As I live and breathe

7:16:35 PM EDT

I am doing better healthwise. Mentally that is. I got the port put in Friday..did ok with the surgery..came out of anesthetic ok..just a little slow motion the rest of the afternoon. Took tylenol and ice packs during the day.and advil at bedtime and was fine next day.

Saw my oncologist this morning..the drugs will be the same I took last time with 3 new ones added. including AVASTIN an anti-angiogenesis med..stops the blood vessels from growing that feed the C cells. It will be given continuously by pump for 2 days every 2 weeks for 3 months, then they will evaluate. And they can work around my trips. So I can handle that. Find out Thursday when to start.

Nin is doing better. Had anther episode Friday and at ER they admitted her overnite. Did another MRI and MRA before letting her go hme. Her new team of doctors seems to be working it pretty well..changing her blood thinner meds and have her on antidepressant again. Now she has one of those viruses that last 14-21 days on top of it..but she is doing better.

Son is still blowing it off. Guess it is out of our hands now. Waiting for the other shoe to drop on that one....

STeven and I still email..up to 50 exchanges a day..pretty good friends ..still hopin he will see the light..this little light of mine :) My teacher friend and I are still doing ok..had to be honest with him about making plans that involve concrete at this early stage..he says he is persistent..slow and thorough. Hmm whatever that is supposed to mean. If there are no sparks from me..what's the point? It is a learning.

I was able to write some good stuff in my novel again..sure sign I'm getting back to normal.

I just read a good book.."You can Heal Yourself" by Louise L. Hay. It validates  lot of what I have been doing nutritionally and physically with NIA and reading uplifting books like this and yoga and meditaion.. for healing of Mind, Body and Spirit..

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8:08:41 PM EDT

What words could possibly describe the mood I'm in. Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Isn't there a word in the English language that rolls them all into one? Guess not.

Where do I begin? I guess it started with Nin's stroke. She is not paralysed but is still having tremendous headaches..and the only med that works, is not allowed every day. The days she takes something else , the headache puts her to bed. She is working half days and that is really too much. Doc has ordered another MRI for Thursday.

My other daughter, Lolly, is a teacher and for those of you who know the system, head count determines how many teachers will be needed next year. Their school's count is down, necessitating the elimination of half day teacher. She is not tenured and is half day kindergarten teacher. Nothing official yet, but read the handwriting on the wall. She is a single Mom with an 11 year old son.

My son is being sentenced on the 28th..like to serve 6 years. Many problems with drug abuse. In and out rehab..Need I say more?

The childrens father broke his ankle. Surgery was done to insert a plate and pins. He is diabetic so not responding well, and is showing, I believe very severe, symptoms of senile dementia. His wife has been very unsympathetic to say the least. She put him in a nursing home, but they would only keep him a short while and now he is home. She complains she has to get him a proper breakfast, and take his blood sugar. Also complains about having to put a chair in the shower and other things making it possible for him to be at home. Now she is going to sell the home in the mountains, which he loves and move to the city where her daughter lives. Meanwhile she calls Nin and keeps her in turmoil worrying about her father. But Nin is the lifeline ..the only way to know what is going on with him. The wife has issued an ultimatum that the kids come and get all the stuff he has stored in the garage or it goes to the dump. Tomorrow Lolly and Pove will try to get as much as they can in the Wagoneer.

On the 24th STeven and I talked about what I call the elephant. Since we got back from vacation in Feb..things have changed. He told me a woman he cared very much about in the past called him. They parted and he told her if she got her act together to call. She did. So he had been deciding for weeks what to do. His decision was to give it another chance. We have remained friends, and still email, which has made the transition easier for me ..didn't say easy. She moved here about April 1 and moved into his house. I have been devastated.

I went back on line and met a very decent gentleman who is an English teacher and we have the writing in common.  He has loaned me some very good books on writing and writers essays on writing that I have thoroughly enjoyed. And he gave me a set of dictioneries he doesn't need. We have a good time when we are together but he lives 70 miles away. He isn't trying to pressure me but wants more from this than I can give..I haven't told him about the breakup yet.

Then the real kick in the head is this. I was diagnosed with cancer again. The colon cancer has metastesized to my lungs..peppered with nodules..both lungs. It has been almost 5 years. I thought I had it licked. I will have to have a port surgically inserted and the chemo will be administered with a pump. I see the surgeon tomorrow and we will set a date for the surgery..outpatient. The patient liason from the Cancer Center will tell me on Thursday what to expect and all the details about this chemo. I had IV before for 9 months, when it was in my spine. Also radiation then.

The writing has suffered the past few days, since Thursday when I got this news. I don't dare get inside my head right now. But it has been going quite well..have almost 40,000 words now. Teacher friend says "powerful imagery."

The only good thing I can report is that 2 friends insisted I take the money they offered so I can go to St. Thomas, US Virgin Island to see my granddaughter get married. Lolly, Chris and I have booked our trip. Nin is not sure yet whether she can pull it off..we hope she can..it just has to be. 

 I have discovered a new class at the "Y" since the pool was closed for maintenance the past two weeks. It is called NIA, a blending of tai chi, tae kwon do, aikido, ballet, jazz and yoga. It is almost a dance and I find it a meditation in motion. It is just what I needed right now.

I know there is a lesson for me to learn in all of this. I will try to remain positive til all things are resolved.

 

 

 

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1:09:56 PM EST

Pikes Peak Writer's Conference 2005 is being held here in town April 22-24. I sent in my registration form with a note that I needed to apply for a scholarship to be able to go. It costs $235 plus room at the Wyndham hotel. I would stay at home, of course. I got the information they needed..including a sample of my writing and mailed it Saturday morning. That committee will be meeting in the next week or so..I am holding my breath. It will be so exciting to go and meet other people with similar interests and attend the meetings. The speakers are authors with published works, agents, and publishers..just a wealth of information. All good vibes appreciated.. hope they find me worthy of acceptance.

My birthday the 16th was cool..lunch with the girlfriends at noon. Then attended my grandson's program at school..his chorale sang excepts from Phantom of the Opera. STeven took me to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. My sis sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Just made my day :) And my daughter Lolly came down on Thursday and took me and my other daughter to dinner at Taste Of India :) Daughter Nin is doing better after her stroke...but has learned some valuable lessons about what is important in life. She tried going back to work but now sees that she is not ready. So she's taking another week off. Then we'll see.

My granddaughter Mad is in Italy. Sez it's just beautiful. The calls are short so we'll have to wait til she gets home to find out much more :)

Still making plans for going to St. Thomas for granddaughter ChaCha's wedding. We need to finalize some things soon..but are looking for such a deal. Have some friends with influence in important places like airlines and hotels..hope it pans out.

 

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11:06:18 PM EST

What mood am I in? Good question. My daughter came home Wednesday. Back to the ER Fri eve..hadn't been feeling good..nauseous and tired. They said normal. Some pain in the right side of her jaw and head..they think no prob. I don't agree but I don't see a Diploma on my wall. She is not supposed to drive or go to work til she sees the doc Thurs. He's out of town so the appt is with the PA. So guess where she is going tomorrow?? You got it. Work!  Her hub is going along with this. I can't believe it. The rest of the family makes any comment on his judgement and he is resentful. We have left msgs and he is screening us out.What can we do? Just pray I guess.

On the other side of the coin, my granddaughter went to a workshop sponsored by the Pikes Peak Writers since she is taking a class in journalism at Colorado Springs School. She told me about it and got info on the group. So I joined today. I also got a book called Rainbow Editing by Dawn Smit Miller who wrote it and did the workshop. You can program your computer to highlight in color any type of words you want. For example "to be" words: Was, are, is, be in all their forms. After you track them down, you can rewrite. It's about fnding the patterns.  Her email is:dndmiller@adelphia.com 

 

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3:52:13 PM EST
Feeling Anxious

So much is going on I don't know where to start. I guess I''ll start with now and then fill in the past couple of weeks.

My daughter "Nin" is in the hospital. She had a stroke Friday evening. Lost control of her left side..fell out of her chair leaning over to pick up something. She was at her girfriend Val's and Val took her to ER. They admitted her and have done every test there is. She had been in and out of ER and docs office for the past week. They said Migraines, allergies, seizure, etc etc..told her to see a neurologist and the appointment was two weeks out.

So I guess I'm glad it finally got their attention. The doc hasn't been in yet today..so they haven't talked to him since he saw test results. She is still having terrific head pain. They had it under control this morning but then the nurse forgot to give her meds and the headache is back. Percocet seemed to do the trick but they also have her on aspirin and another med ..don't know what that is.

She is only 46..very young for this, but her father has had at least a couple and it runs in his side of the family. She smokes about a half pack a day, eats only once a day in the evening..and usually they go out because she is too tired from work to cook. She is a hair stylist and does prosthetic hairpieces for cancer patients and others who need hairpieces. Long hours and fast pace.

Under lots of stress otherwise too. With two kids, one girl 14 and a boy 12..you get the picture. Not that they are a problem just the hectic schedule and homework etc.And she's the type that takes everyone else's problems on. So today is the waiting game..trying not to do too much second guessing..like that's possible. I think recovery is going to take longer than anyone cares to admit. She still has double vision. I had the grandson yesterday..and they are sposed to let me know when they want me to take them today. So I wait.

My friend Jackie got moved on Tuesday the 15th. We had her all packed and other friends loaded the moving truck. Her son drove it and she drove her car full of plants and stuff. And her Schnauzer :) The son started out and she stopped to pick up the dog at Cathy's. They didn't catch up with each other til Vail. The passes were really bad..snowing like crazy and he took the high road instead of the Eisenhower Tunnel. Anyway they made it ok. She's getting settled and likes the new house.

I flew in to Sky Harbor on Valentines Day. I had to check a bag so was worried about hooking up with STeven but I got my bag pretty quick and my cell rang. STeven asked "Where are you?" and I was at North 7 ..he was at North 3 so he drove right up no problem :)

We got to the Resort..Scottsdale Villa Mirage.. and got me settled. Went to a small intimate romantic Italian restaurant ..Arrevaderci..for dinner. Another nite we ate at Morton's Steakhouse. Pretty impressive. 5 Waiters for the 5 of us and all that. His daughter, her hubby and son came down to visit us for a couple days from Winslow. Had a great time.

There was only one sunny day the whole week but the jacuzzi/hot tub was fabulous and the double sheet waterfall in the pool was such fun. We went down every evening..one nite in the pouring rain :) Had lots of pool toys and we had fun with grandson who's 8. He and I played lots of card games too..like War and Go Fish. Haha:)

We did get to the Superstition Museum..I was a little disappointed as there was nothing really new to me. But at least I know I didn't miss anything. It was a very good museum though. And we went to the little touristy place nearby also and ate lunch there. Pretty darn good steak sandwiches mmm.mm. Saw the Old Bluebird Cafe..not exactly as I remembered it..it was isolated there when I knew it. Then we drove back a ways into the area called First Water. STeven enjoyed that ..got a better idea of what the washes do in the rain.It was coudy that day and misty on the mountain tops..that gave it a very surreal atmosphere. Good for the mood of my novel.

Drove back home on Saturday the 19th..made good time in spite of losing our momentum over the pass in Northeastern AZ..Sitgreaves Nat' l Forest area. It was snowing like crazy and we saw 7 cars off the road stuck in mud and slush..one was on its top. Sheriffs were waiting for a tow truck it appeared.We intended to stay over nite in Albuquerque or Sante Fe but the weather seemed to be chasing us. So we drove it straight thru. Had a Chevy Trailblazer SUV..pretty nice ride.

 Got back to the Y and exercise class on Monday. Also Cathy and I signed up for a 12 week strength and conditioning course with a trainer..on all those treacherous looking machines. That started Friday. I can feel the muscles I worked the hardest..chest and inner thigh ..not sore or stiff but definitely aware they are there :) Guess I need it.

I guess that pretty much catches me up to date. I will make an effort to start journaling every day again.

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1:52:54 AM EST
Feeling Happy

The girlfriends have been going over to Jackies every chance we get to pack for Jackie. She is almost to the point of living out of her suitcase.The house is on the market now and she will close on the new house in the old home town next week. She is doing ok but is just not well.

We will go to Denver to the dinner theatre for our last hurrah next Wednesday. The play is Ten Little Indians. This has been one of the things we have enjoyed so much as a group..I think the 4th play we have seen together. And our Tuesday card games and several little weekend getaways. We have lots of good memories.

STeven will leave the soon for Tucson to go to the gem show. Then up to Scottsdale. Here is the best part..I am flying to meet him on Valentines day!  We plan go to Apache Junction one day and visit the Superstition Museum. He has been very supportive of  the novel I am attempting and has always had an interest in Indian lore so it will be enjoyable for him and I can do some valuable research. The museum was founded in 1990. I can hardly wait.

 

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1:05:52 AM EST
Feeling Hopeful

In microsoft word this is in Italics but the only way I know to get it from there to here is to copy it to an email to myself and then copy it here. It loses a lot..but here it is.

CHAPTER1:

      Suddenly the ululating screeches of Apaches on horseback came from every hiding place behind the outcroppings on the sides of the mountain, and descended on the unsuspecting band of men and mules.

     The Indians clearly had the advantage. The men had nowhere to turn on this unfamiliar trail. Some of the men cut the packs that held the gold and tried to flee with a mule, but the men were no match for the swift arrows of the Apaches. There was no place to hide.

     Many of the men were killed by the kicking hooves of their own mules. Others were trampled by the fear-crazed animals attempting to stampede, and still others were smothered under the weight of gold and animal when their wounded mule fell on them. The dust was choking man and beast. There would be no escape.

     Diego felt the pumping of his heart as the fresh spurts of warm blood gushed over his chest. He could detect the faint smell of iron and the stickiness on his hand as he felt the gaping hole in his neck. He was sure it was a mortal wound.

     He strained to lift his head but could not. He wanted to see if his sons who rode behind him were saved somehow from the attack.

     All he was sure of, was that none was left standing. The tangled mass of human and animal lay twitching and groaning its last dying breath.

     Diego thought how foolish of him to think a band of that number would go unnoticed by the Apaches. They had surely watched them from the beginning. They were cunning, these Apaches. 

     And now, who would tell those back at home of the fate of their number. How many wives would wait forever in the hope that someday they would see their loved ones return.

     The thought was more than he could bear and a tear began its journey down the hot and dusty cheek.

     It was becoming harder to breathe not only because of the pain but also because of the sharp odor of innards, pierced by the arrows, releasing the putrid stench of bowel gasses.

     The glare of the blazing sun made it impossible for him to keep his eyes open. He squinted at the sky for a moment through the slit he was barely able to manage, and could make out the silhouettes of the buzzards that were already circling above them.
     As the blood drained from his body, he prayed for the souls of all that lay with him in that carnage. He crossed himself and breathed his last sorrowful breath. Diego Peralta was dead.

     Silence returned to the site of the ambush. Even the vibration of the thundering hooves of the Apache horses as they pounded homeward in victory had dissipated in the now far away cloud of dust.

     No gold would leave the Sacred Mountain of the Thunder Gods this day.

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11:55:02 PM EST

Well I left pretty abruptly the other nite so will continue about Cathy. If you look, there is a bit of humor in all this. As Cathy was drving to the hospital becoming more delirious with pain and driving up over the curb, she was seen by a woman in a car behind her who was convinced she was driving drunk. So she called in and reported it. So when Cathy was sitting in the hospital, she is visited by the police. They could see what the problem was and she didn't get in any kind of trouble. Just had to mail in a report.

 Had her car towed to a garage..and a week or so later the Insurance Co told her it was a total..suspension and frame damage. Not a scratch on it either. For a '92 it looked like new. She got 2500 bucks and went and bought a new Saturn.

As for the foot..I picked up her disc (x-ray) and drove her to her doctor appt. that Wednesday (happened Monday) and it is the little bone on the side of her left foot. Nothing to do but Ace bandage it and let it rest.

On Friday she drove the new car home. She has been doing little errands and it is getting along quite well. This had been 3 weeks now.

Meanwhile there is Jackie. Just before Christmas a Real Estate agent asked her if she wanted to sell her house. It is a duplex patio home I guess you'd call it. Home owners fees and maintenance and all that. Stucco with a stone front..While she was home for Christmas in western CO she looked around and decided to do it. Her son lives there. Her health isn't the greatest so we all think it would be a good idea.

The first house ended up being a hassle and fortunately the Real Estate Agent happened to be going down a street when they were putting up a For Sale sign at a much nicer property. It was owned by the developer and had been rented for 5 years since it was built so it was empty.  Her son went through it and told her it was perfect for her so she bought it sight unseen. He did send a video and some digital fotos ..but WOW. Can you believe it? Things are going fast..she will move on Feb 14th.

Our foursome will never be the same..we have been closer than sisters. But it's only a 6 hour drive..over mountain passes etc..but Cathy has a new car :) And Chrissy has a 4WD SUV. We are going to need a 4th for Canasta..have had Nancy sub ..so if she can commit to a regular day every week, she may be it. Life goes on.

STeven and I have been very close..see each other about 4 times a week. Almost always to eat together..we cook here. On the 31st it will be 18 months since our first meeting ...not counting the week online first. Still making sparks :)

 

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10:27:15 PM EST

Yesterday. whew. Yesterday started at 5:45 and I left at 7:15 for the Ultrasound. Didn't take long and I saw the screen but couldn't make any sense of it. The tech wasn't talkative and divulged nothing. Went home for a while and called the urologist's office. She said bring them the disc and she'd have the doc look at it.

At 10:30 I had an appointment with the Credit Counselor. He basically said..see a lawyer..file bankruptcy. No charge.Went back home. Got a bite to eat.

Went back to the hospital and picked up the disc and delivered it to urologists office. She said they'd call me about an appointment. Went back home.

At 4 oclock I had an appointment with the lawyer. He basically said..the same as the credit counselor but with a twist. He said since noone can touch Social Security I  could just quit paying and all they can do is call me and ask for money. I know what that's like. No thanks. Or pay him and he will take care of it. I need to think.

This morning I got the call from Doc F's nurse. Make appt for a cystoscopy. Can't get in til Feb 8 but since normally they are booking 6 weeks out, that is ASAP.

Then I called and left a msg for the oncologist ..heads up about the radiologists report I had fwd'd to him and info about the urologist. I will see Dr. B on March 1st anyway so all this should be done by then.

Played cards with the girls today instead of Tuesday..everyone's schedule is messed up. Cathy broke her foot stepping off a curb in front of Wild Oats grocery and on the  way to the hospital it started hurting til she lost it and drove over a curb, blew a tire and continued driving on the rim. Totaled her '92 car. More on all this later.

STeven just emailed he's on his way over. LOTS more on that later. :) 

 

 

 

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11:57:29 PM EST

It HAS been a while. I have been fine..lots of water over the dam. Maybe I'll get back to that..filling in the gap. But tonite I am thinking about tomorrow.

This afternoon I had an appointment for an IVP..they give you intravenous contrast dye and take pictures (xrays) of the kidney function. Had one a couple years ago..took 8 hours..waiting for one kidney to work. Finally gave up. It doesn't function. Later they tried to put a stent in but the ureter is closed tight. A tumor strangled it. And so the kidney died.

Three weeks ago I had an infection in my finger and while I was at the doc I mentioned sometime pain in my right flank. He did a urine test and there is microscopic blood. A few leucocytes (white cells) but since he was prescribing an antibiotic for the finger..said come back in 2 weeks and we'll check it again. We did. Still blood. So he ordered the Intravenous Pyelogram.

So today I go. They get me hooked up and then ask if I have had recent blood work and I say 3 months or so. They draw blood. Have to see about my GFR since I have only one functioning kidney. Need to know how much dye to use she said. Ok. About a half hour later they have it.

She says the Glomerulo Filtration Rate is too low. Low # would be 80..mine was 30. The radiologist calls my doc and they confer. If they use the dye with that low GFR I could go into renal failure. Doesn't sound like a place I want to go.

So they unhook the IV's and check with the Ultrasound Dept .that's what they will do instead. They're booked up. So I get dressed and we go up to scheduling. Only thing open is 7:15 tomorrow morning. I'll take it.

Only thing I think they can see with Ultrasound is something big..certainly not inside a kidney. Then I remember last time. There was a shadow behind the left kidney. Maybe that's what they want to see.

I read up on some of the things other than the big bad C word that could cause the symptoms. Autoimmune diseases..I have R/A ( Rheumatoid Arthritis). It is an auto immune.. The book mentions Lupus. And a couple others I don't want.

There is blood..microscopic and moderate..but not supposed to be there. No infection. Hmmm. I want to be as informed as I can before they spring it on me. I am not panicking, worrying or anxious..it is what it is. I just don't know what yet.

It is weird cause I feel and look great. I almost didn't remember to mention this  to the doc..the squeezing type pain in my back over the right kidney. It comes and goes. It may not be related to this at all but if I hadn't mentioned it we wouldn't have done the urine test and discovered  the anomaly.

Well it's almost 10 and I'd better think about getting some sleep. 6AM comes earlier than I want to think about. But I'm used to going down about midnite..so I guess I'll read for a bit.

 I feel better just writing about this..kindof gets it straight, you know? So if I write again tomorrow about what it is..maybe I'll get back in the habit of writing my journal again.

 

 

 

 

 

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