(((Reflections)))

10:42:48 PM EDT

I'm not a "look at me" kind of person.  I share about myself because I want YOU to share about you, and to me, friendship is about just that:  sharing of life.  When someone I care about is relaying information or sharing an experience, I'm not the sort of person that will say, "Yeah, but listen to what happened to ME today...".  Instead, I might say something like, "I understand from a certain stand point, because I've been through something similar..." and so on and so on.  Not because I think I understand what someone else is going through, because we're all different ~ but because i like to find as many ways to relate with someone as possible. 

I've had a lot of support lately, from women that are somewhat close to me who have been where I am right now ~ wondering (when allowing the mind to go there), worrying, scheduling, waiting....  It's nice, really.  When we're uncertain about something, we seek to understand better in some way.  When I was going through the Bell's Palsy I did that.  I sought others who could share with me their own experience.  I researched the disorder on all sorts of sites.  I found YouTube videos that those suffering through it had made as a way of reaching out and I appreciated their courage and willingness to putting the ugliness of BP aside, to help others. 

I don't know why this is so hard for me to talk about.  I do want to write about it, explore my feelings and my fears, as well as examine what is more likely and most probable.  And yet, I hesitate.  I worry, that others will think I am overreacting, or looking for attention, or revealing too much.  I also don't wish to worry or upset anyone, especially those closest to me (who understand my good intentions), by having my thoughts and fears wash over onto them. 

::sigh::

I have a private journal (group) that I am part of, but I've never written in it.  I've tried to be a support, to those who DO choose to write.  But for some reason, I want all my words to be here.  So what, if I eat them someday? 

I don't even know for sure when it was that I felt the lump.  I just know that moments before I was to have my yearly exam in early August, I thought it might be worth mentioning. 

She told me not to tell her where, and when she did the exam, she found it on her own (which she later denied, after not having passed along the appropriate information to the hospital and being questioned).  Afterwards, she drew a small diagram on a piece of paper, showing where it was by darkening the area in pen (a new drawing, without the marking, was later placed in my file, making it look as though nothing was there).  She said that it didn't immediately alarm her, but that she would like me to have a mammogram to "keep a watch of it" and rule anything out.  So, before leaving, an appointment was made for the following Thursday. 

Even though no information was passed on as it should have been, the woman performing the mammogram asked to feel my lump ~ which she did (thank God, otherwise I would have felt like a complete ass), mark it and take the appropriate number of slides which is about twice the norm for a routine mammo (which is what I was told, since this was my first one).

I was called back and asked to come in for an ultrasound (which is not uncommon for a lump) on Monday and then the following day will see a surgeon to go over the results and decide what if any action to take.  I was told that I would not leave the day of the ultrasound with any questions left unanswered. 

Okay, so part of me is completely freaking out, when I allow my thoughts to go there....  Which is NOT often, and probably why writing about it is a little difficult.  The unimaginable, put in black and white ~ and I can't even force myself to write any further in that direction.

BUT, the better, smarter part of me says it's nothing.  I have no breast cancer in my family history.  I am not high risk. I feel good, physically, for the most part.  It's the sort of lump that says "cyst" (yes, my lump talks to me..... lol). 

So this is on my mind some lately ~ though not overwhelmingly so.  I will know more by Monday afternoon and I look forward to writing again and telling you how silly I was with all my fears and anxieties.  Even while I am feeling quite positive that it's all good anyway....

::exhaling::

 

P.S.  The Bell's has improved.  I now only deal with a long term affect called Synkinesis , which is when the nerves of the eye and mouth are crossed.  Meaning, when I move my mouth or tighten it in any way, my eye closes.  Cool, huh?

;oP

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5:54:56 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful

The changing of a season always brings about a certain degree of thoughtfulness and reflection for me.  I am not always comfortable with change, because it often means that something must inevitably end in order for something to begin anew. 

But there are times, when change is a blessing.  And I'm also learning, that there ARE those rare occasions when something doesn't necessarily have to end, but instead, develops into something even more meaningful than we had anticipated or even dared hope.

The summer months brought many challenges.  But with the help of family and friends, I have faced those challenges head on and seen what the strength of love can do.  I have many to thank, and some of you are at the top of that list and hopefully, know who you are. 

The weather in NH has been absolutely perfect for days upon days.  A new school year has begun, and I adore my class and look forward to all that lies ahead in the next few months.  My daughters have begun their own school year with a great amount of enthusiasm, and that my oldest is now a freshman in high school simply blows my mind.  I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and want the best for me.  What a feeling.....

But, there is something, that I've been struggling over whether or not to share for a while now.  I have been writing in this journal for over three years, and have shared many ups and downs and found strength and kindness and understanding in the hearts of many.  There are times, though, when I do settle into a quieter world.  I hate the thought of someone judging me, for what I write or choose to share ~ but then, this is my journal, and I've always been driven to write for and about myself, with the hope that others might also relate, and I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, I wear my heart on my sleeve, only to whip it away from public view without a second to spare for reasons I cannot quite explain. 

I love to write.  It's no secret.  It's therapeutic and helpful (to me) on many levels and for many different reasons, depending on the situation. 

And so here I go, beating around the bush again....

I am facing a bit of fear. 

A woman knows.  When something isn't right...  Whether bodily or mentally, that basic human instinct kicks right the heck in.  While I cannot say for sure, if it is something serious or not, I will confide in you all that my heart tells me it isn't.  But I am not hesitating in the least, to make sure that what needs to be done is DONE ~ and done right.  It's hard to wait.  It's hard not really "knowing". 

I want to write about this because like I said, it's my journal and this is something that I am going through right now and would like to have some place of reference to look back on later, just as I do with my older entries that revolve around the other events that have molded and continue to shape my life. 

I will have to elaborate further, in a future entry, because my time online is limited these days, and I have to scurry on out the door in a few minutes.  But what I want to say, more than anything else right now, is how happy I've become and how much more I appreciate things lately.  Let me also say, that as this point, NOTHING IS WRONG, and it's simply waiting for the confirmation day to come. 

I made my journal private, for a time, and some of you noticed and responded with concern, and for that I am truly grateful.  For those of you who quietly respected my decision and kept me in your thoughts, I am as equally indebted.  It's good to be back.  My heart is in these pages.  There is no need to hide from anyone ~ especially myself.  Thank you, friends.

And Love knows no boundaries.

Welcome, gentle autumn.

 

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12:23:59 AM EDT
Feeling Inspired
Hearing "Watermark"  Enya

There simply aren't words to express my appreciation and gratitude for the many gifts in my life.  Gifts which include friends both near and far, who are there for me and offer words of support and a shoulder to lean (or cry) on when times are (or seem) tough.  I know that my previous post gave at least one or two of you reason to question our closeness and/or your place in my heart, and for that I deeply apologize.  It was never my intention to place blame or hurt on anyone, but to simply share a moment of disorderly thinking and internal suffocation that I happened to have awakened upon without warning.

I value each and every person who has touched and continues to touch my life, as well as savor the memories of those who have come and gone.  While I never wish anyone to feel as if they are alone in the world even for a moment, it was also somewhat calming to read comments that were left by those who could relate to how I was feeling in some way.  Yes, we all have those days, when we have to carry ourselves through with a smile ~ no matter how we may be feeling on the inside.  Let's face it, we all feel just a little empty sometimes.  Even when we know ~ if we really take a moment and think ~ that each and every one of us is blessed in ways we forget to be thankful for, when faced with even the smallest of circumstantial difficulty. 

A reader and friend (who deserves a tight hug) emailed me and offered the idea that perhaps if I opened myself up to others a little more, I might find acceptance and understanding where I least expect it ~ particularly by those who truly count.  It reminded me of the saying (and Maria, this one's for you): "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter".  There are many facets to my personality.  Many unresolved issues, complications and contradictions in my life.  Those of you who have followed my journal and have come to know me through my words KNOW how moody and puzzled I can be at times.  One dear friend even went so far as to call me "mysterious" and is probably still wondering where I've been hiding myself. 

I still feel that writing is a very therapeutic and cleansing way to express oneself, and we all have different reasons and ways of doing it.  I judge NO ONE, for what they write, how they write or why.  And how lucky am I, to have such thoughtful and supportive people along for the ride, to share my own personal and sometimes cloudy journey through life with?  Extremely. 

Thank you.

 

(coming soon:  Job, family, Bell's, creative muse and LIFE update, while I work on that opening myself up thing... ::smiles::)

 

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12:34:53 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if there isn't a single person in my life who truly knows me.  Someone who knows how I feel at all times and is still there when I turn around, despite how I feel inside.  Anyone at all, who I don't have to pretend to feel or be something or someone that I'm not, for. 

It's a lonely place, to suddenly realize that there isn't.

 

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2:46:24 PM EDT

(note:  the subject matter in the following words may be difficult depending on your personal experiences and/or beliefs.  i hope i don't offended anyone)

I think it was my senior year in high school, when I took a class called Death and Dying ~ or something sounding morbidly similar.  It was one of those Human Relations classes, that bridged the various cliques and personalities together in a way no other class could.  I remember certain classmates, who I never would have made contact with outside of the classroom due to differences that today of course, seem (and probably are) irrelevant.  Many times, the majority of us would walk out of that room a little more sensitive and empathetic to each other than we were when we arrived.

I recall one class in particular ~ one that pertained to the whole grieving process, that struck a chord in me which still chimes now and again some twenty years later. 

Tears stung many eyes that day, as many of us had already experienced such a loss in one way or another, but it was also uplifting in a sense, and that is what I'm thinking about today. 

I can still picture our teacher, Mr. Wood, standing in front of the class and demonstrating how the body is like a glove for the soul (of course, this was his own personal take on the matter, and I have to wonder if such a display would be considered inappropriate today). 

Holding out one hand (the soul), he placed the other over it (the body) and stated simply that, when we die, our body "slips off like a glove" and our soul is then free.  A simple idea, but where I went with it in the afterglow has been and is still very meaningful to me. 

Our physical being is a magnificent thing.  We are all different and our bodies don't always look, work or feel the way we would like them to.  Young or old, there are many who struggle physically in one way or another and that can have a pretty profound and lasting effect on who we are and how we feel on the inside.  Our bodies may delight, deceive, burden or strengthen us to an astounding degree, depending on circumstances within or beyond our control.  If we are lucky, in most instances those we are in physical contact with treat us kindly and lovingly ~ or, at the very least, respectfully.  But sometimes, it's when our souls  are deeply touched that we feel it the most, and I'm starting to wonder if that isn't what it's all about in the first place.  Our time on earth is so very brief, in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes, that thought scares the hell out of me and keeps me up at night. 

Other times, it thrills me to no end. 

So, friendly readers, may your souls be touched and well guarded in countless ways for many, many years to come, and your gloves be worn with beauty and grace. 

That's all for now.....  ;o)

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4:03:06 PM EDT
Feeling Relaxed

The storms in NH seem to get progressively worse year after year.  This past Thursday, a tornado ripped through parts of the state leaving 11 towns in a state of emergency, one person dead and dozens injured.  One town that was affected, Ossipee, is a mere five minutes from my grampa's house.  When we called to see if he was okay, we found him sitting on his breeze way drinking tea and watching the storm pass by.  His thoughts are, that at 92 years old, if his house goes ~ he's going with it.

But thank God, he was fine as was his little old house in Union, NH. 

 

I wrote of spring in my previous entry, because I had started the painting that accompanied it at that time, and it still seemed fitting.  I wrote the poem this morning, as another storm passed by and the sun began to peek out from behind the dark clouds.  One thing you can never quite count on in NH is nature's consistency!

Things have been incredibly busy and I've unintentionally neglected many journal friends over the past few weeks.  As it so happens, I'm between chores at the moment and have to head out in about two.  I will try to visit you all in the days to come.  I have a new job that I'll be starting tomorrow, one that will enable me to keep my job at school and still continue working there part time on the weekends throughout the year. 

Hope all is well with each and every one of you.  And that many happy summer memories are being made.

 

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11:36:06 AM EDT
Feeling Thoughtful
Hearing "Morning Watch"   Dolorean

In the sacred hush

of early morning dew

when spring serenades her

earthly realm

and butterflies dance on 

angel colored wings

a heart opens

like delicate tulip petals

warmed moment by

precious moment

in sun's everlasting love 

 

chelle  2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8:16:02 PM EDT
Feeling Relaxed
Hearing "Return to the Heart"   David Lanz

 

Just as the rainbow promises Hope after the rain, so does a garden in bloom.  If you'd like to see mine, please click on the smilebox creation below.  My images seem to be too large, and some of the petals are cut off, but so be it....  :o/

AOL won't let me post albums any longer ~ Something to do with my browser.  I'm assuming it's the change in computers and nothing else.  No, I haven't gotten a new one and most likely won't be getting one for a while.  For now, I'm content (grateful, really) for the use of my daughter's. 

Speaking of my daughter....  Thank you, for the kind and supportive words I received after my previous rant.... uh, post.  Of course, things settled down and improved greatly as that particular evening went on.  Just recently, she pointed out that she tells me things her friends would NEVER tell their parents.  THAT, my dear friends, is good to know. 

I also have another vehicle now, so the problem is mostly just financial at this point.  I have two catering jobs coming up and another possibility or two in the making, so for now, I'm doing okay. 

Life is good.  I've been enjoying it lately, which is a plus.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Hope you enjoy the photos ~

 

Make a Smilebox slideshow

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9:39:54 PM EDT
Feeling Irritated
Hearing There's music??

"So, are you going to have a car tomorrow, or what?  'Cuz H. wants me to come over, and I need a new charger for my cell phone since you ran over it with the vacuum cleaner, and we want to do something else, and ....."

Somebody stop me......

This, at the end of a day I've been struggling to ignore. 

I guess it's too much to ask, that my teenager be appreciative of all that I've done for her this week.  The money I spent getting the paint she wanted for her room (even though technically we're not allowed to paint the walls here) and the time I took to help her finish it.  The camp-out I planned for us (more money), with all the fixin's for a night under the stars.  The one we are supposed to be at right now, but aren't because after packing the car all up this morning, it died again.  This, after spending half of what remains of my summer funds to have it fixed just days ago.  This, after spending the day trying to think of something to do to make up for it.  THIS, just moments after coming in the door from walking 3 miles to and from Dairy Twirl so her little sister could have an ice cream cone (and don't think for a minute I didn't have one myself!).  Not to mention everything else that's gone wrong this week.

I'm just plain pissed off ~ and I rarely write when I'm pissed off.  Shocking, I know.

She's in her room sulking now, because I asked her to get up off the couch (for the first time today) and pick things up a bit.  She's been sleeping in the living room since we finished painting, not wanting to over-exert herself and get it done with. 

I AM the meanest mother in the world, you know.

I understand she's disappointed about a lot of things right now.  So am I.  The difference is, I'm finally allowing it to show.  Consider the rules broken. 

Thank you, I feel much better now. 

::sigh::

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1:36:38 PM EDT
Feeling Thoughtful
Hearing "The Voice Within"  By Christina Aguilera

When our hearts are willing and able to accept what is and what is not, there is a feeling of Peace that transcends even Hope.  I've always believed that without Hope, all is lost ~ but what I'm finding is that Acceptance is much more essential to a healthy outlook on life ~ among other things. 

Of course, we all have hopes and dreams and goals.  We MUST!  Each one gives meaning and purpose and color to our own personal journey through time.  One should never be without them.  

But sometimes our hopes are not answered.  Our dreams are not meant to be.  Our goals are not reached.  That doesn't necessarily mean that we have failed, but simply that Someone has other plans. 

I am learning to derive a great amount of comfort from that.  Notice I've said "am learning" and not "have learned".   It's a process, really.  One that works and sometimes not so much.  I was inspired by comments left in my previous post, to share these thoughts.  Yes, most of the time, my priorities are in order and my outlook is as it should be ~ Acceptance has a great deal to do with that...

That, and summer breezes.

 

 

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