April's Journal

Well I am forced to delete this screen name due to some stupid virus or something.  BooHoo.,  I have to also get rid of this Journal.  I have started a new one.......A Funny Thing Called Life.  Come and check it out!

 

acarnell at 3:04:03 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 

The wake went okay.  It was very sad.  As I was walking in, I saw like 10 guys from school...and the more i went in the more people I saw.  I then saw the casket from where I was standing.  And from the view I was first at, he looked exactly like the way he did when I first met him, but with shorter hair.  There were alot of people, probably mostly his family and friends.  I waited in line to sign the guest book and look at the coloage of pictures people had put together. Oh my godness he was so adorable!!! It was weird as my friend Irene and I were standing there....I was seeing his old school pictures and Im like I have that one and this one!!! He was the cutest baby ever, really he was.  And he grew into a very handsome man. I waited in line to "veiw" the body and say my prayer..etcetc....and i really felt like i was going to be sick.  I was so nervous, confused, just so sad.  For some reason this has really hit me very hard and i am very sad.  Even though I havent seen him in a over 2 years from moving, getting married..etcetc, but he was just one of those people that put a stamp on your heart.  A impression that will always last forever.  I went up and kneeled down and was so in shock.  The makeup was so horrible and they made him look so bad i thought, well everyone did.  He looked so diffrent...not even like him at all. He just looked so dead... He had his baseball hat and ball in the casket with some rosery beads and pictures and a bouguet of flowers.  I wanted to write him a letter and slip it in his casket, but i decided not too.  I could only stay there for a few moments and i was so freaked out, i wasnt really crying, but i could tell that my face was probably white as a ghost and i was shaking.  When My friend Emmaunel died when I was a senior...I was the same way, but i think that I feel alot diffrent now, not that I understand anything more, i just dont know.  Maybe because I am older and i have a baby and that makes me make the smartest choices everyday that i can, butbi am not even sure thats it either.  But then I went to say my sorry's to his family.  First in line was his father, whom he looks so much like and as he hugged me tight he cried.  He remembered me.  He once met me as a young 6th grader on my bike playing with the boys at the park.  Boy how things have changed.  I told him how sorry I was and how much he meant to so many people.....we then hugged agian and i moved on to his mom and sisters....My i dont even know what i would do if I was in there position.  My grandmother and uncle just recently passed, but its diffrent in a way. My grandmother had a long full life of happiness and children and a husband that loved her and she even saw her first great grandchild....but Sean.  What he saw his 22nd birthday just TEN days before his death.  What a waste.  He had alot of potential and was going to be something special, but just got sidetracked along the way.  And that road lead him to a death that will haunt us all forever.

acarnell at 9:21:08 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living between the lines
And all the stars they sparkle and shine everyday

He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road I am on

He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it all between the lines
Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on

acarnell at 10:50:42 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I just got the most horrible news.  My younger brother Matthew just came home a while ago and asked me if I had "heard" what happened.  I was like nope...what???  He told me one of my very good childhood friends Sean had O.Ded last night from heroine.  Oh my fucking God.  What the hell is wrong with everybody??? What the hell made him go that far to have to actually have a good time and feel good???  I am so in shock.  I was like best friends with this kid all through middle school and when we went to different Highschool's we drifted apart...but we still saw each other a lot...either at parties or wherever was hanging out.  He was such a cool shit!  He always cracked me up so hard!!!!  And people that know me, know that I love to laugh and he was just one of those people that I would just look at and giggle like all day and all night....there are not too many people like that, but he was one of them.  My god I met him the first day of 6th grade.....he comes this big goofy kid who is like 10 feet taller than me and trying to pick up on me the first day I met him!!!!!  I nicknamed him mushroom head, for he had a "bowl" cut and he had sooooo much hair it actually looked like a mushroom! Oh just thinking makes me laugh.......and he had these like silver sneakers that I called moonshoes.....WOW...i miss being young....i would have made so many different choices...but I would still have been friends with Sean.

I just cant even imagine what his family is going through.  He has two younger sisters as well......Oh.....It is so hard losing anybody...but I am mad at him...I cant believe that he was as selfish as he was to not think about what could have happened to him.  People I care about have been dying WAY to much and I cant even take it anymore......This is not sopost to happen when we are 21!!!!!! His wake and funeral are going to be very weird as well.....I will probably see so many people that I haven't seen in years and it will be a flash back to my friend Emmanuel Kalu that i lost when I was a senior to his girlfriend and him dying while driving drunk and crashing on the high way.....horrible shit...I am so depressed right now....i still cant even believe that he is dead.  I always think about him too...its weird, whenever i drive by where he lives or even that area...or a song...he's just one of those peeps that i will never ever forget and i will cherish all of my memories.

 

God Bless.....

RIP Sean Clark

1983-2005

acarnell at 8:32:31 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 9 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 

Today is FRIDAY...woohooo!

I am not workign tonite.....thank GOD beacuse we are getting yet another FOOT of snow!  My My...when is this going to end??? What is it 12 more weeks til spring time???  We have had alot of snow this winter so far...and i like snow, but when its like -10 deegrees and snowing...then I dont.  It is so damn cold and everything is completly frozen.  I havent even attempted to drive anywhere except for work last night almost all week.  Its to crappy and icy and cold to go anywhere and with the baby...im not chancing it.  But today I am going to go do a little food shopping...JUST IN CASE i cant getout this weekend.

 

 Sean had his first "NEW" scheduled visit last night from 5-8.  Things went good and he sees the baby again on Saturday.  I am kindof liking haveing that time on Sat to get errands done faster than having to lugg the baby and basically everything she owns around with me !!!LOLOLOL!!! She is still trying to attempt to walk like the little trooper she is.  She now gets lazy and "chickens out"....and I am not even trying to rush ne thing......i am content on her crawling and crusing for the moment!! She "dre" her first picture last night!!! She thought she was the coolest thing ever...laughing and staring with a huge smile while scribbling on a piece of paper.  Then she dragged the paper while she crawled and kept playing and sharing it all night....too damn cute!!  She has the BEST personality already...i cant wait to see this little drama queen really come to life in the years to come....she truly is the love of my life...my baby.

acarnell at 10:33:19 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

FIRSTS
1. First best friend: Kalee....and Irene

2. First love: Willie

3. First real kiss: Andrew P.

4. First screen name: Lirpa1269

5. First pet: Heidi

6. First car: 1989 Toyota

LASTS
1. Last cigarette: April 2, 2002 

2. Last kiss: My daughter before bed

3. Last good cry: 2 Saturday's ago

4. Last beverage drank: Shirley Temple at work

5. Last food consumed: Chicken and Ravoli Parm at work

6. Last crush: oh wow.....cant even think!

7. Last phone call: Irene

RELATIONSHIPS
1. Who is your best friend: Irene and Kalee

 2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: Nope and i dont want either

FASHION STUFF
1. Where are your favorite places to shop: Anywhere that is on sale

2. type of clothing: jeans a tank top and sandels

SPECIFICS
1. Do you do drugs: Not anymore....I used to have ALOT of fun you can say...I got married and had a baby...no time or intrest at all anymore

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Dove

3. What are you most scared of: something happening to my baby

4. What would you change about yourself: My money problems, my living arrangements

FAVORITES
1. Colors: Purple, White, Pink and Yellow

2. Foods: Turkey Dinner, Salads, Mexican

3. Subject in school: Lunch

4. Animals: Tigers and Puppies

5. Sports: Field Hockey, Baseball, Footbal, Skating

6. Movie: Girl Interupted, Almost Famous, The Goonies, Brokedown Palace, Sweet November, The Princess Bride...I could really go on for like ever

AVE YOU EVER1. Given anyone a bath: Yes my daughter every night

2. Smoked: Sure have

3. Made yourself throw-up: Yes sometimes thats the only thing that will make you feel better...

4. Skinny dipped: yes

5. Been in love: Yes

CURRENT
1. Clothes: pink yoga pants, a white sweater with a zipper, socks and slippers.

2. Music: Gwen Stefani

3. Make-up: what ever is left from work...mascara??

4. IMs:  none.

LAST PERSON
1. Hugged: my daughter

2. IMed: Matt

3. Last person who slept at your house: Sean

RANDOM
1. In the morning I am: very alert

2. Love is: painful sometimes

3. I dream about: ALOT of crazt ass shit

PAST/FUTURE
1. 7 years ago: probably skipping a class

2. 4 years ago: graduated high school and dating willie

3. 3 years ago: dating willie and working ALOT 

4. 1 hour ago: putting my baby down to sleep and changing from my work clothes

5. Tomorrow: shoveling snow and playing with my daughter and food shopping

6. College: i am going to try to start nursing school

acarnell at 10:24:20 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 

Tommorrow I have to go to court.  I hate court and I am so nervous for some reason.  No big deal....Just have to again reduce my child support...always great...and agree on some more visitation times, but just being there sucks.  Plus i dont want to have to drive in this crappy ass weather.

 

It snowed AGAIN.....not too much, but it is so absolutly disgustingly cold, that its actually 2 inches of ice.  My car is a ice box, i had it running for like anhour tonite and it didnt even warm up at all....well hopefully tommorrow wont be so freezing...and wish me luck!!!!!

 

acarnell at 8:18:14 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 10 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Result of Quiz :: What's Your High School Stereotype?

You scored as Punk/Rebel.

 

Punk/Rebel

63%

Stoner

63%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

25%

Ghetto gangsta

25%

Goth

13%

Drama nerd

6%

Geek

6%

Loner

QuizFarm.com

acarnell at 12:30:11 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

This morning I woke up at about 7;30 a.m.  I came down stairs and i started my everyday daily routine....Tinkle, brush my teeth and brush Olivia's teeth....and then i always let the dog out.  Well "Tasha" wasnt anywhere to be found.  Great.  I open the door and yell her name about 5 times, and usually she comes galloping like the big dummy she is onto the deck and right into the house.  No "TaTa"(as Olivia calls her). Okay WTH...I think shes proably next door playing with all the kids.  I called my grandmother who lives down stairs and asked her if she has seen the dog.  She said nope, but she would go look.  So she took her dog, Sully, and went for a walk down the street, So I start to make breakfest and feed the baby.  I open the door again and and start to call her name.  It is SO windy out today its nuts!!! My dog is a freak show when its windy.  I am not sure why, but i think its b.c she cannot see it, but can hear it....but today is a very scary windy day..its about 60 deegrees, but its not sunny.  So here I am thinking "oh my god, shes went skitso and she is lost or shes gotten hit by a car or someone took her...its my brain on overload as it always is in a situation like this.  I can never think of positive things when i am nervous and scared.  So after feeding the baby and both of us getting dressed we jump in the car and are going on a "DOG HUNT".  My awesome luck, right as I am walking out of the house, its like a terentual downpour (spelling?).  Sweet, so now i am sopost to find a big huge German Shepard in the rain and then if i do find her have her jump in my car soaking wet and stinking it up with wet dog smell.  AWESOME.  This is so the first thing I wanted to do today.  Well we drove around for about 20 minutes, covering all streets and parks and anywhere else i can thinkt hat a dog would go, (VERY HARD) and nada.  So I decided to go home and try later.  Maybe my g~ma found her.  I then get in the house after dashing in from the rain and thers a message on the machine,  " Hi this is Dave from the Braintree Police Deparment Animal Shelter, We picked up a German Shepard with tags on them, and the data base gave us ur number, Please casll back" OMG! Sweet!!! No if you have read any of my earlier entries, you will have found out that my parents are away for the week.  And thats the last thing i want is for another thing to be MY FAULT, and this dog is like their child, so i was freaking out!!!! So i dash back outside and buckle my wiggle worm back up and zoom to the office.  The Doggie Catcxher (who was a very hott cop) said that she had been picked up in the middle of the night last night at 711!  WTF.  When I camne home last night from work at about 10 p.m, she was inside on the floor.  SO someone must have let her out in the middle of the night, dont ask mw why ne one would EVER do that, but they did.  SO that was my dilema for the day!!!  So the dog is home safe and sound and snooring away on the floor.  She is so pooped~!! 

acarnell at 1:37:20 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 11 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 

I am a mother, a friend, a waitress, soap opera addict, a junk food junkie, a sucker for romantic comedies, a good athlete, a women

I hurt when people lie to me

I love my daughter

I hate bad drivers

I fear that my daughter will die before me

I hope i can provide for my daughter completly

I hear my daughter playing and giggling

I crave happiness and soda

I regret not doing better in school and finishing college

I cry because people treat me like shit

I care about my daughter and our future

I always CLEAN THE HOUSE, kiss my baby like 10,000 times a day

I long to the best mother i can

I feel alone since my husband left me

I listen when people talk to me

I hide my sadness and my money

I drive my mother crazy and a chevy caprice

I sing to my daughter all day long

I dance to sesame street and barney

I write in my journal and doodle on EVERYTHING

I breathe every breath for my baby

I play with my daughter on the floor

I miss Having my own place and my dog phoebee

I feel like I have to get on the right track

I know i will NEVER depend on a man or anyone ever again.

I say I love you about 1,000 times a day

I search for the truth, lost socks, lost binkies and good deals on everything

I learn from my mistakes

I suceed when i am happy

I fail to do what people tell me to do

I dream in color

I sleep in a twin bed, most of the time with my little baby snuggled next to me 

I wonder when things will get back to normal for us

I want my daughter to be healthy and happy

I worry about things to much

I have curly hair, a beautiful daughter , a batch of brownies in the oven and lot of dreams to conquer

I give every inch of my heart and soul to my baby

I fight for my beliefs

I wait for everyone all the time

I need to start school and make more money

I am a cleaning freak and a goodball

I think I am a wonderful mother, a very loyal friend, a shitty daughter somtimes

I cant help the fact that i have a big mouth and a very strong opionon on things

I stay true to my word and home alot

acarnell at 12:45:15 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own