Atkins Adventures

Well, I haven't been around to visit your journals again, but something else happened.  This time it's not serious, but it is annoying.  My computer broke!  Right now I've walked up to the library to use theirs.  I've been meaning to walk up here every day, but haven't felt inclined to do the walking.  (No, I'm not exercising every day.)

I am expecting an insurance settlement for the wreck that totaled my car a few months ago.  So I can get me a reburbished computer.  I'm just not sure if I should get the internet again after some things about it have caused me so much anxiety.  There's some good things, definitely!  But some things just upset me so much.

Like, i was e-mailing these two friends of mine named Amy and Jennifer.  They are very sweet.  But I would just tell them stuff going on, and i would become very anxious about it.  They would send responses, and i would be afraid to open them.  I would get mad if they said something that was slightly off.  I would obsess over every little comment.  I wasn't like that with what they said in person, so I don't know why I was like that in e-mail.  That's just how I am.

Also, I got a really ugly e-mail from a so-called online friend about the blog entry I made about the overdose.  She said I surrounded myself with people who coddled and made excuses for my behavior, and I was selfish and narcissistic.  She also commented how I talked more about how I needed to keep my apartment clean than I did about Colton. 

I didn't realize my blog entry would be picked apart and used as fodder to insult me.  Anyone who is supposed to be my friend knows how devoted I am to Colton.  But I was worried about keeping my apartment clean because I didn't want to get kicked out.

So that really upset me a lot.  My therapist was asking me if I needed to keep my blog considering all the comments and responses wouldn't be positive.  I thought I would get rid of my blog.  But then today I got this e-mail about someone who read it who also had bipolar disorder, and it made me want to keep it if somehow one person identified with it.

At any rate, I want to read other blogs, too.  This time I just deleted all the alerts because it wastoo overwhelming.  But I will come up here about twice per week, (to the library,) and read at least the most recent entry on all my blog friends' journals.  I will come back on Tuesday to do that.

Since I don't talk enough about Colton, I thought I would give an update on how he's doing.  He just got his report card, and he made the honor roll.  He was never making good grades at this school here.  I think a combination of a bad teacher and a sick mother was making him perform poorly.  He also had disciplinary issues, and there is none of that at the new school.

They are looking to do some testing to see if he has a disorder on the autism spectrum.  I see some signs of Asperger's, but not enough to make me think he has it.  I have already talked to his doctor about his developmental issues multiple times, but his doctor said there's nothing wrong with him and recommended a parenting book.

I have finally started my job at Models of the Maker.  Some interesting stuff happened this week, so I was glad to be there.

I have still been depressed and crying on some days.  Mood swings.  I called Dr. Awtrey's office and told them.  It's understandable since I got confused about my lithium and was taking only 600 per day, when it was actually supposed to be 1200 per day, (600 per dose.)  So she said to increase it to the correct dosage that they gave me in the hospital, because the lab work had shown that the level of lithium in my blood wasn't at a therapeutic level.  So hopefully I will stop having days like that.

I need to change the name of this blog, but I don't have any ideas.  I will think about it over the next few days.  I am not even focused on weight loss any more.  Terrible to say.  I just can't deal with worrying about it right now.  I do just wish I could focus on maintaining.  But with some of these cravings I've been having, and giving in to, it's hard to imagine that is going to happen.  I haven't weighed.

I do hope everyone is well.  And I do thank you for being friends to me.

Donna

 

adonnainparis at 1:08:10 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I'm so happy over each comment I receive.  I know this sounds terrible, but I love to write about myself.  I am very self-centered.  I found this out in the hospital when my favorite part of process group was my turn to talk.  I love to talk to people, once I am comfortable enough with them, and my favorite topic is me.  I know this isn't God's idea of how a Christian should be, but I'm being very honest here about how I am. 

At any rate, the comments make me happy.  It's sort of like I make myself vulnerable here.  If no one says anything, it feels like a rejection.  If I get support, it is reassuring to me.  Makes me feel like I can be my real self and still have people like me.  I have always been my real self here. 

I started this blog to talk about weight loss.  I thought it would help keep me motivated and accountable.  It hasn't really worked that way.  I've just enjoyed writing about my weight struggles, appreciated feedback, and went on doing what I was planning on doing. 

Now I'm faced with the dilemma of changing the name of this journal since I can't seem to get back on Atkins.  Not only is it too difficult to get back on it after you've been off for two weeks, but I also tired of the constant restriction.  I would be invited to eat dinner with the ladies in the shelter, and it was a big issue whether I could eat what they were having.  I would like to eat regular food in moderation.  But actually doing it is causing a big problem for me because I'm having so many cravings.  Today I ate a candy bar and some fritos with bean dip.  What did I buy that junk for?  Cravings.

A friend on a message board suggested that I try to eat more protein and fat, even if I wasn't doing pure Atkins.  I mentioned that I was having 2 bowls of raisin bran each morning for breakfast, and it seemed like I craved carbs all day.  Maybe if I eat a high protein breakfast, it will cut the cravings.  I'm going to try that in the morning.

Anyway, I saw my new psychiatrist yesterday.  Dr. Awtrey.  This is only the second time I've seen her.  I decided to start seeing her after I got my Medicare, and I was so glad because those people at MHMR were incompetent. 

I think Dr. Awtrey is awesome.  She sits beside you to take notes instead of in the chair behind the big desk.  She always asks if Colton is okay.  Today she asked if he'd been given an explanation for why he was staying with my cousin, and I didn't know.  I started to wonder if he thought he'd done something wrong. 

I just think it's sweet that she's concerned about Colton, when he's not even her patient.  And she is so nice!  She didn't gripe at me about overdosing or not calling or anything.  She just said that, in the future, she didn't mind at all if I called to let her know what was going on.  In fact, she would prefer it.  But she said it so nicely that it didn't feel like being griped at.

She was concerned that I have so little to do with my time.  She asked me why Models of the Maker hadn't let me go back to my volunteer job.  I said I didn't know, but I would call them that day to ask. 

I did call Models of the Maker, and they want me to start a paying job on Monday!  It will be 9-12, Monday thru Friday.  I will be doing a lot of typing, and I'm really good at that.  I won't earn enough money to use up any of my trial work months to mess up my disability income.  I am just nervous that I'll do something wrong.  Like oversleep, go too slow, etc.  I really don't want to let them down.

I don't know what I'll do about this summer, because Colton will be home.  But I guess I'll just worry about that when the time comes.  There's nothing I can do to change the situation.  I can't afford to put him in daycare, and he would be too bored to come to work with me.  And I don't have anyone to watch him for 15 hours per week. 

So it seems like I just won't be able to work in the summer time.  I hate it, because I don't want to get into the habit of staying in bed late because I have no purpose to get up.  That's what I've been doing now!  But I'm not going to sit around and worry over it yet.

Well, I'm about ready for bed.  Hope everyone is well.

Donna

adonnainparis at 10:27:58 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Well, I guess that wasn't my last entry.  I've written e-mails galore today, and still have more to say.  So where else to say it?

I appreciate the comments.  I don't think there's a proper way to make an announcement that you overdosed, so I just went with what came to my mind first, second, third.  I am glad that is over.

I have just been sitting around thinking about my life.  I am still afraid for getting kicked off disability.  I won't know until I get the letter in the mail.  And even when i get it, I'll just be worried about next time.  So, as you can see, it's a worry that will continue.  Dr. Lee told my therapist that my level of worrying on this topic was psychotic.  I thought that was a little exaggerated, but I'm not the doc.

I have been thinking about jobs.  My friend Pamela thinks I should be able to find a social work job when I get better.  How I wish she were correct! 

My last social work job was with MHMR in 2005.  What a disaster that turned out to be.  I started having excessive anxiety about seeing the clients.  I would think they didn't like me.  I would feel too nervous to call them.  I would become so upset about it that I'd go in the bathroom and cry.  I started getting depressed.  I had to see these clients, but was too scared.  So I began lying on progress notes.  I said I saw them, but I did not.  I made up things about the supposed visit. 

This technique didn't do a thing for my mental health problems but make them worse.  I started feeling so guilty about the lying and the failure that I got extremely depressed and suicidal.  I started spending large chunks of my day in the office planning my suicide.  I planned who all would be at my funeral, how exactly I would kill myself.  I just couldn't make any sense of what would happen to Colton.

Then I became manic, with rapid cycling.  I would be delighted with my suicide plan when I was manic, and depressed and terrified about it another time of day.  My behavior became very odd.  All the while I was freaking out about those lies, and I finally confessed.

They made arrangements for me to get to Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital,which was nice.  They also fired me.  I had committed Medicaid fraud, and they had to pay all that money back. 

So I feel like that ruined my social work career.  Or maybe it ruined my life.  I've not been well for a full year since then. 

I don't know how I'm ever going to get a social work job.  There aren't many of them available.  I have given serious consideration to writing MHMR human resources a letter and trying to talk them into making me eligible for rehire.  I could tell them how much they need me at the mental health center, because some of the caseworkers they have are incompetent.  It would be a dream come true for me to work with people who have mental illness.  I am knowledgable about it, and I also have compassion and empathy.

Nevertheless, they probably won't let me work there again.  There are a few other places, but it just seems hopeless.

I just need health insurance, daytime hours.  That's asking for a lot.

Of course, even if something fell into my lap right now, I think it wouldn't be a good time to take it.  I need to get completely well and have it last.  I was doing very well for a few months around Christmas, and thought it would last forever.  I thought I was cured!  It's the 2nd time I've felt that way.  And what happens?  First the worries come back.  Those are always a sign that I'm ill, or about to be ill.  The excessive worries that attack my brain like some kind of flesh-eating bug. 

Well, on a totally different topic...  I guess the name of this journal won't make much sense, because I have given up trying to get back on Atkins.  Man, it is impossible to get back on that diet when you've been off for a couple weeks.  Very Very Very hard!!  I just can't do it.

But, I am desperate not to gain all my weight back.  I already gained 8 pounds while I was in the hospital.  I don't want to get back up to a size 26 again, now that I'm in 22.  I have been trying to eat sensibly, and sometimes failing.  Today I think I did okay.  Not great.  Looks like I ate 2400 calories.  Not great.  But maybe not enough to make me gain! 

My friend is giving me a CD to use that explains the diabetic diet.  She swears that it's a great diet and you can lose weight on it.  I find many diabetics who aren't so thrilled with it, but it's worth a shot.  at this point, I'm not even about losing more weight.  I am just desperate to maintain what I've already achieved.

About to take off to bed now!

Oh yeah, I have been reading some journals, but I know I missed some.  If you are here and I haven't been to your journal in a timely manner, I'm sorry.  I had to delete some of my alerts when I got home because there were too many.  And I've had to delete some in the past week because I was so busy and they were overwhelming.  Now I am back to a small number  again, so I will try to get by to read you.

Good night to everyone!

Donna

 

adonnainparis at 11:53:39 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

This will probably be my last entry, because I don't really have any readers left.  I am not confident enough to just write here for myself.  If I'm going to do that, I'd rather write an e-mail or a letter.  Also, I have been away and unable to read all the other blogs I receive alerts on.

I'm just writing this in case there's one person reading this who cares where I have been.  If nobody reads it, I haven't lost anything except for the minutes it will take me to type this out.  But I'm just going to write with the expectation someone is reading this, because it's easier to write that way.

Sorry I haven't read blogs.  I have been in the hospital.  I have been in Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital for 2 weeks.  And I was in Paris Regional Medical Center for 2 days before that.  So two weeks and 2 days I have been gone.

The whole saga began with my freaking out over possibly losing my disability income.  I don't have much hope for being able to find a job and support myself.  I just know that losing SSDI means losing my health insurance, not being able to see my therapist, and becoming homeless.  And I have zero faith about God making everything turn out okay.  May as well admit that.

I just kept worrying about it all the time, and writing to my therapist about killing myself if I got kicked off disability.  I began thinking a lot about overdosing if I got kicked off disability, and became pretty convinced that's what I would do.

I just kept having these repetitive thoughts to hurt myself, and one day I cut my arm with a knife.  I was disappointed because I wouldn't cut deep enough.

Then I got a letter that they really were doing a medical review of my disability.  I predicted a negative outcome, and went into a deep depression.  I had already been depressed before, but that really made me think I was going crazy.

One Saturday I woke up being really depressed about thinking I was going to get kicked off disability.  I woke up at noon.  I started having those overdose thoughts, and it was like a voice in my head kept telling me to do it.  So I acted on my impulse, and went into the living room and took 2 and a half bottles of Lexapro.

Idecided I needed to go to the psychiatric hospital, but I wanted to wait until the next time I saw my psychiatrist.  I didn't plan on going to the hospital for the overdose because I didn't want my stomach pumped.

But I laid there for over an hour, and couldn't help but worry.  I didn't know who would keep my son while I was in the psychiatric hospital.  I finally called my ex husband to tell him I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn't tell him I'd already taken the pills.

I called another friend to tell her what I'd done, and ask her to take me to the hospital.  Then I talked to Colton's father and told him I was going to the hospital and why.

By the time I got to the hospital, there was nothing they could do.  I'd waited too long for stomach pumping or charcoal.  They just monitored.  I have never felt that high in my life, and it was distinctly unpleasant.  Made me sorry I'd overdosed.

They kept me in the hospital from Saturday until Monday.  Then I had to go before the judge.  They sent me to Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital on an order of protective custody.  I would have signed myself in, so I don't know why they did that.

Dr. Lee is my psychiatrist at Glen Oaks, and I've always been kind of crazy about him.  He is like a father figure to me, even though he's not old enough.  I go there messed up, and he takes care of me.  And he did.  He changed around my medicines a lot, and got me to stop the worrying, ruminating, and feeling depressed.

I got home last night.  I have felt great today except for one thing.  My neighbors all came and cleaned up my apartment.  It didn't look great because I'd not been well.  The owner said it needed to stay this way.  That makes me nervous.  Because I worry that if my apartment gets dirty again, they'll kick me out.  And they will.

So I am kind of bummed about that.  But there's nothing I can do.  If that's how it's going to be, I'll just have to keep it clean.  I think they're not very understanding.  They want your apartment to be clean no matter how sick you are.

Also, there was the issue with Colton.  I didn't know who he was going to stay with.  His dad couldn't get him to school because he is a truck driver.  I was worried sick about it.

I finally gave him permission to contact my family.  I didn't want them to know because I was embarrassed.  They were very supportive and concerned. 

My cousin kept Colton.  She lives in a different town, so he had to change schools.  They think it will be best if Colton stays at that school for the rest of the school year.

They think I haven't been doing well.  I have been getting Colton to school late.  Some days I was so depressed and anxious about it that I stayed in bed all day.  I got a letter that he was truant.  I had been sleeping all day on the weekends. 

So since I was depressed and having problems, my family thought it would be best if I had some extra time to get well.  Colton will see me on weekends.  He'll come back home this summer.

Luckily, Dr. Lee solved my sleeping problems while I was in the hospital.  He said my Geodon was probably to blame for my difficulty getting up in the morning.  He took me off that and put me on Trazadone.  It is so perfect.  I have been going to sleep before 10:00, and waking up between 6 and 7.  I haven't had any problem waking up, nor have I been sleepy during the day. 

I've had people talk to me in such terrible ways, and think horrible stuff about me, because I couldn't get up to get Colton to school on time.  I have also felt like a failure and been very depressed about it myself.  I am so thankful to have that problem solved!

Well, I feel much better now.  I am not depressed, and not having such obsessive worrying.  I am worried a bit about the whole issue with cleaning my apartment, but it hasn't ruined my mood. 

 

adonnainparis at 8:52:53 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I've been in a pretty good mood all day, and I'm not sure why.  Not that I should complain about a blessing, but you never know with me.  Different day.  Same circumstances.  Totally different outlook.  I hope it will continue for a while this time!

I was a little disappointed this morning when I didn't get to volunteer at Agape House.  I called the lady who usually takes us, and she never returned my call.  Normally I would be all depressed over that, but it didn't really hit me hard this time.  Maybe she didn't get the message or something. 

It worked out fine not going because Colton's dad showed up for a visit with him.  This isn't his weekend, but he had some extra time.  He didn't get on my nerves too bad this time.  In fact, I was feeling really thankful because he gave me an extra $20 in addition to my child support check.  I needed it for a couple of things, because my child support check was budgeted for other things already.  So I am grateful that he wants to help.

I was also happy because I experimented with a recipe and it turned out well.  And a healthy recipe at that!  I had gotten an idea about how to make a low-carb stew on a message board, and I changed it up a little.  I threw together some stew meat I'd browned in a skillet, 2 cans of beef broth, 2 zuchinni squash, some diced onions, garlic, a can of green beans, a can of tomatoes, okra, a lot of oregano, some seasoned salt, and pepper.  I simmered it for 45 minutes, and it was great!  I hardly ever get my required veggies in, but I did it today!  I need to make that more often, and I will.

I got good news on the scales this morning.  I am down to 256.  That's 12 pounds since the same day last month.  Three pounds more than my monthly weight loss last time!  And that puts my total at 52 pounds lost since November 20th.  I think that's pretty good.

Colton is out for spring break next week.  We really don't have any plans since money is tight.  We will walk to his art lesson and the library on Tuesday, as we usually do.  Although we have skipped the library the past couple of weeks.  And I will try to take some walks.

His dad is coming to get him Wednesday night or Thursday morning, to spend some extra time with him for spring break.  Colton will ride on the big truck with him.  I hope he drives carefully and Colton wears his seatbelt! 

I'm not sure what I'll do with myself.  At least I will get a chance to watch TV if I want to.  He would have it on cartoons 24/7 if I let him. 

Anyway, that is my little blurb for the day.  Hope everyone's weekend is going well!

Donna

adonnainparis at 8:04:28 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I can't believe I was so nervous about that mammogram.  The whole thing was a breeze!  The only bad part was not being able to wear deodorant, and feeling like I might smell bad.  But after the test I put on some deodorant they provided, and that was over.  So if you haven't had one and feel nervous about the prospect, let me ease your concerns.  It's a piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, I didn't have any last night at home fellowship.  It did look yummy, though.  Sometimes I get a little tired of always being on a special diet.  It makes me different.  But I guess it's worth it to lose 46 pounds, and hopefully it will soon be more than that.

I did get the results from my labwork at that Welcome to Medicare exam, and they didn't look too swift.  My cholesterol is still high!  My LDL is 203, and that's considered "very high."  I thought it would be normal by now!  But I've only been eating this way since November 20th, so I have to be patient.

I know just losing weight makes your cholesterol go down, no matter what diet you're using.  And I know Atkins lowers your bad cholesterol because that's what the book says.  And that's what it did for me before when I lost 80 pounds.  So if my cholesterol is this bad after losing 46 pounds, how bad was it before?!  I shudder to think.

It all makes me nervous because my mother died of a heart attack when she was 32.  I don't want to go down that path.

At the doctor's office, she said the best way to lower your cholesterol was to exercise.  I was surprised to hear her say that.  I didn't think exercise had any effect on your cholesterol at all.  I figured she'd give me the standard line about a low-fat diet.

That's all the more reason to keep up with my exercise plans!  Which I haven't been doing too well.  I don't like my new videos because they make my legs too tired.  I have to go with plain walking.  But today it was cold and rainy, and I am too much of a wuss to freeze my butt off.  I can handle the heat, but not the cold!  I can't wait for spring!

I haven't been sleeping well a lot of nights, and I am sooo bored with it.  Nothing worse than staring at the walls at 2am.  I meant to ask my regular doctor for some sleeping medication, but I forgot.  I will ask my psychiatrist when I see her at the end of this month.

Oh, one more thing about my cholesterol.  There was good news.  My HDL cholesterol is high.  It's 68, and anything over 60 is considered good for lowering your risk of heart disease.  So at least something has changed for the positive!

If  you're reading this, thank you for taking an interest in my tales.  I figure my life is pretty boring, but I like writing about it nonetheless.

Donna

 

 

 

adonnainparis at 8:58:10 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I've been feeling cheery the past couple of days in a row.  This morning I went to see a nurse practitioner for my Welcome to Medicare exam.  It feels so good to finally have health insurance!  They cleaned the tons of earwax out of my ears, took some blood, and asked me some questions.

I am basically pretty healthy, which is something to be thankful for.  I have hypertension, but it's well controlled with medication.  My blood pressure today was excellent.

Monday I have to go for a mammogram.  I am almost 40, and my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer when she was 52.  I would like to see I'm really careful about doing self-breast exams, but I'm not.  I never even think about it.  I could use a reminder chart on the refrigerator.

I am nervous about the mammogram, because I'm afraid it's going to hurt.  I've never heard any woman say she enjoyed having her mammogram done!  But I guess it's a necessary evil, to make sure I stay healthy.

I can't believe I forgot to ask for some sleeping medication.  I slept well last night, was feeling well today, so I totally forgot about those two miserable nights when I was lying awake past 2am and staring at the walls. 

One night I had a weird anxiety situation, because I started being very afraid that an intruder was going to come in and grab my legs or touch my face.  You just know that's irrational, because an intruder could do a lot worse things than that!  But that's just what was going through my mind, and it had me so freaked out I couldn't go to sleep.

Anyway, no sleeping medication for me.  I will just have to wait until I see Dr. Awtrey again next month. 

Today I weighed at the doctor's office, and it was 262!  That means I've lost 6 pounds since I weighed at the Agape House on Feb 19th.  That is awesome for a week and a half.  And I've been eating well, not doing without.  I do have a bad habit of skipping breakfast, but I've been eating my other meals.

All my pants are too big, what few pairs I have.  I have this friend, who is like a substitute mother to me, who says she's going to take me shopping when I lose 50 pounds.  I probably won't find out officially how much weight I've lost until next month at Agape House.  My scales at home weigh different.  They are 3 pounds heavier than the ones at the doctor's office.  So I think I've lost 44 pounds, but hard to tell until I get back to the Agape House scales.

I will take myself shopping as soon as I get paid on Monday.  We live close to a thrift store, and I will browse in there and see if they have any jeans in my size.  Before, when I wore a 26, I couldn't find anything there.  But now I wear a 22, so they might have something.  They did have plus sizes, just not big enough.

I have been posting on this great message board: http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/articles.php?boardId=255854&func=3&channel=People%20Connection&refresh=true  I've made a pledge to drink at least 2 bottles of water each day, and to exercise 45 minutes a week.  So wish me luck in keeping up with my pledge!

Oh, almost forgot to say...  That friend who wants to take me shopping bought me a set of DVDs that are exercise ones.  It's George Foreman, circuit walking and walk-and-box.  I should have done it today, but I've been so busy with the doctor's appointment and grocery shopping.  And tonight we have church and Colton is watching TV right now.  But tomorrow I'm having a free day, and I'm going to do it!

I also got fired from my one of my volunteer jobs, which was working in the office in front of the building where I live.  How does someone get fired when she's a volunteer?  Just ask me.  I kept having sleep problems.  I can't sleep at night, so I'm very sleepy in the mornings.  I used to fall asleep on the couch after Colton went to school, or he would be late to school, and I would not wake up in time to get down there at 9am.  I also had a lot of appointments and days when I couldn't work.

So I am very disappointed in myself that I didn't do a better job.  I don't blame them for finding someone else.  But I have gotten over being so disappointed about it.  It will be nice to have my days free again.  Today I was able to go grocery shopping at Wal-mart during Colton's school day, and it was very nice. 

Thanks everyone who's read this long post.  And have a great day!

Donna

 

 

adonnainparis at 4:57:18 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 4 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I feel like I haven't updated in forever!  I did get all my blog-reading done today, too.  I've just been taking a little break from the computer.

Yesterday I went to see a new psychiatrist, and she seems really competent.  She thinks I have borderline personality disorder.  That would explain why I'm so difficult.  I am hard to have as a friend because I'm always seeking reassurance and talking about irrational worries.  Especially in e-mail.

She decided to take my Medicare!  I was prepared to pay $250 for the first visit, and $125 for subsequent visits until she started accepting Medicare.  But she decided to take it, so I only had to pay $135 (my deductible) for the first visit, and $35 for subsequent visits!  That is so awesome.  I was thanking God.  And Dr. Awtrey.

Anyway, I feel like she's really going to be able to help me.  I know I'll never be cured of these mental illnesses, but it would be nice to have some sane thinking for a while.

In other news, I weighed this morning for the first time in a few days.  I had lost another 4 pounds!  That puts my total at 44 pounds.  I might need to get some new pants soon.

Also, I'm going to start walking.  I'm talking about walking so little that all you big exercisers will be laughing at me.  But Dr. Awtrey recommended I start out at 10 minutes, 3 days a week.

I think walking is sooo boring, and I don't really want to do it.  But she said it would be good for my mental health, and I like to do what my doctors tell me to do. 

I got my walk in today because I needed to walk to the bank.  It was cold today, so I wasn't too thrilled.  But maybe I will come to enjoy it.

Hope you're all having a wonderful day,

Donna

 

adonnainparis at 6:18:56 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I've had a good day so far today.  Better than yesterday, when I had jitters like the first day of school all day, for no reason.  Today I volunteered at Agape House, which is a local Christian clinic that provides medical care and helps people get medications.  I got to weigh some people and wrote a bunch of prescriptions for the doctors to sign.  I do it every month, and always enjoy feeling useful in that way.

I took my son, since I take him everywhere, and he kind of complained all day.  He took a book to read, so I don't know why he didn't just read it!  He was bored.  Oh well.

I weighed on their scales, and found out I've lost 9 pounds for the month.  That's not exactly what I had in mind, because I'd rather lose 9 pounds a week!  But I've lost 40 pounds, overall, since November 20th.  So I'm going to be thankful for that, and just keep on being patient.  Nine pounds a month is better than nothing.

I'm also happy because we're having low-carb meatloaf tonight.  I thought I just had to give up meatloaf forever, because I didn't know you could make it without bread crumbs.  But I was reading an Atkins board, and someone there had made one!

I just used 2 pounds of meat, three eggs, garlic, onions, bell pepper, seasonings, and put tomato paste on top.  The only drawback will be the bad breath!

I was also proud of myself today at Agape House.  I had overslept and didn't have time to eat breakfast before we left.  I was up there from 8am until 1:30pm.  They brought in food all right.  Pizza and doughnuts.  I was so hungry, too!  But I resisted, and didn't have one bite.  When I got home, I made myself a 3-egg cheese omelette with bell pepper, onion, and salsa.  I was glad I made it through the day without wrecking my diet.

It's raining here, but I don't mind.  We needed the rain because we've been under a burn ban due to dry conditions and high winds.  So I feel like this rain is a blessing from God, before anyone else's house burns down.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Donna

 

 

adonnainparis at 6:01:33 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I am not depressed any more.  And that's so good, because how boring is it to be depressed?  I feel like I shouldn't even have written about it, because that makes for a boring entry.  But it was just on my mind!

I told a friend that I was bored with myself, thinking the same negative thoughts over and over.  She said that was good, because there was a time when I enjoyed being depressed.  Well, I never "enjoyed" being depressed.  But I got comfortable with it and lingered there. 

Anyway, about my diet.  Blah.  I'm bored with that, too.  I weighed this morning, and the scales stubbornly said "275."  I have fluctuated from 275 to 277 for over a week now.  I feel like I wouldn't lose any weight if I went on a 40-day fast!

I'm just not going to worry about it.  I'm not giving up on my diet, even though I'm a little frustrated.  I lost 80 pounds in 2005, and I didn't have plateaus like this.  I lost weight every week!  They say it's harder as you get older and have tried to lose several times, but I didn't know it was this much harder!  And I'm only 38.

Today I've eaten all right, I guess.  For breakfast I had two strawberries.  For lunch I had a sausage-on-a-stick, (blah to those, too.)  For dinner I'm having sirloin pork chops and canned green beans.  Not an exciting eating day, but definitely not over on carbs.

Of course I've had my trusty 10,000 diet dr. peppers.  I bought a 12-pack, and I just chain drank them until they were gone.  I think I drink less if I have to go next door to the convenience store and get them, but I spend more.  I'm pretty poor, so I need to think about the pocketbook.  How much money I would save if I'd just take to drinking ice water! 

But I am distinctly hooked on my sodas.  I quit smoking in 1999, when I found out I was pregnant.  And that was easier than trying to give up my diet dr. peppers!  (And diet cokes.)  Oh well.  At least I finally got switched over to diet. 

Hope your day is wonderful!

Donna

 

 

adonnainparis at 3:51:43 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own