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This will probably be my last entry, because I don't really have any readers left. I am not confident enough to just write here for myself. If I'm going to do that, I'd rather write an e-mail or a letter. Also, I have been away and unable to read all the other blogs I receive alerts on.
I'm just writing this in case there's one person reading this who cares where I have been. If nobody reads it, I haven't lost anything except for the minutes it will take me to type this out. But I'm just going to write with the expectation someone is reading this, because it's easier to write that way.
Sorry I haven't read blogs. I have been in the hospital. I have been in Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital for 2 weeks. And I was in Paris Regional Medical Center for 2 days before that. So two weeks and 2 days I have been gone.
The whole saga began with my freaking out over possibly losing my disability income. I don't have much hope for being able to find a job and support myself. I just know that losing SSDI means losing my health insurance, not being able to see my therapist, and becoming homeless. And I have zero faith about God making everything turn out okay. May as well admit that.
I just kept worrying about it all the time, and writing to my therapist about killing myself if I got kicked off disability. I began thinking a lot about overdosing if I got kicked off disability, and became pretty convinced that's what I would do.
I just kept having these repetitive thoughts to hurt myself, and one day I cut my arm with a knife. I was disappointed because I wouldn't cut deep enough.
Then I got a letter that they really were doing a medical review of my disability. I predicted a negative outcome, and went into a deep depression. I had already been depressed before, but that really made me think I was going crazy.
One Saturday I woke up being really depressed about thinking I was going to get kicked off disability. I woke up at noon. I started having those overdose thoughts, and it was like a voice in my head kept telling me to do it. So I acted on my impulse, and went into the living room and took 2 and a half bottles of Lexapro.
Idecided I needed to go to the psychiatric hospital, but I wanted to wait until the next time I saw my psychiatrist. I didn't plan on going to the hospital for the overdose because I didn't want my stomach pumped.
But I laid there for over an hour, and couldn't help but worry. I didn't know who would keep my son while I was in the psychiatric hospital. I finally called my ex husband to tell him I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn't tell him I'd already taken the pills.
I called another friend to tell her what I'd done, and ask her to take me to the hospital. Then I talked to Colton's father and told him I was going to the hospital and why.
By the time I got to the hospital, there was nothing they could do. I'd waited too long for stomach pumping or charcoal. They just monitored. I have never felt that high in my life, and it was distinctly unpleasant. Made me sorry I'd overdosed.
They kept me in the hospital from Saturday until Monday. Then I had to go before the judge. They sent me to Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital on an order of protective custody. I would have signed myself in, so I don't know why they did that.
Dr. Lee is my psychiatrist at Glen Oaks, and I've always been kind of crazy about him. He is like a father figure to me, even though he's not old enough. I go there messed up, and he takes care of me. And he did. He changed around my medicines a lot, and got me to stop the worrying, ruminating, and feeling depressed.
I got home last night. I have felt great today except for one thing. My neighbors all came and cleaned up my apartment. It didn't look great because I'd not been well. The owner said it needed to stay this way. That makes me nervous. Because I worry that if my apartment gets dirty again, they'll kick me out. And they will.
So I am kind of bummed about that. But there's nothing I can do. If that's how it's going to be, I'll just have to keep it clean. I think they're not very understanding. They want your apartment to be clean no matter how sick you are.
Also, there was the issue with Colton. I didn't know who he was going to stay with. His dad couldn't get him to school because he is a truck driver. I was worried sick about it.
I finally gave him permission to contact my family. I didn't want them to know because I was embarrassed. They were very supportive and concerned.
My cousin kept Colton. She lives in a different town, so he had to change schools. They think it will be best if Colton stays at that school for the rest of the school year.
They think I haven't been doing well. I have been getting Colton to school late. Some days I was so depressed and anxious about it that I stayed in bed all day. I got a letter that he was truant. I had been sleeping all day on the weekends.
So since I was depressed and having problems, my family thought it would be best if I had some extra time to get well. Colton will see me on weekends. He'll come back home this summer.
Luckily, Dr. Lee solved my sleeping problems while I was in the hospital. He said my Geodon was probably to blame for my difficulty getting up in the morning. He took me off that and put me on Trazadone. It is so perfect. I have been going to sleep before 10:00, and waking up between 6 and 7. I haven't had any problem waking up, nor have I been sleepy during the day.
I've had people talk to me in such terrible ways, and think horrible stuff about me, because I couldn't get up to get Colton to school on time. I have also felt like a failure and been very depressed about it myself. I am so thankful to have that problem solved!
Well, I feel much better now. I am not depressed, and not having such obsessive worrying. I am worried a bit about the whole issue with cleaning my apartment, but it hasn't ruined my mood.
adonnainparis at 8:52:00 PM EDT Blog about this entry |
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Aw sweetiepie. I could kick myself as i wondered where you were and meant to send an email hinting for another entry to be done. I have been chasing my tail this past few weeks and right now have terrible earache so I can't get round the journals to read and leave comments but I am sure people understand. No one will think anything of you not reading, you have had the worst time and I am so sorry i wasn't there to help you. Please please, send a wee email If you feel things getting that bad again and I will do my best to help. You sound like you are getting back to being you again and that's good. I need you Donna. Please remember that. You are very Important to me. If It was me In your shoes, I would not have been very happy at people coming Into my space and tidying either. You have every right to be cross. As for Colton, he needs a mummy who Is all better, so that you will be able to get up In the mornings and also be able to things at the weekend. Depression Is an Illness. The most common thing to do when depressed is climb under the duvet and wish It would all go away.You need to have support and complete rest so you can build up your strength and confidence so that you be able to move on. Sorry for writing a novel! lol. Remember to keep posting, even If It Is only to rant then go for It. It Is getting It out your system. I am only an email away. Love Pam xx
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Oh Donna, sorry your are going through so much. I am glad you are feeling better with the right combination of medication. You should not worry about your apartment. With only you in it, how dirty can it get. Make a rule that you have to spend 1 hour a day straightening it up and cleaning/vacuuming. If you do a little everyday, then it won't get bad. I care and want you to stay around. We are your friends here in J-land. Wouldn't want to lose you, besides you always give me good advice when I post in my journal!!!
Christina
http://journals.aol.com/ecco69/my-evil-ways/ -
Donna,
I have been thinking about you and wondering where you got to; I know sometimes we get so busy with life that we put journals on hold so I didn't think much of it but I'm sorry for the stuff you have been going through. I'm glad you got the help that you did and I think its wise for your son to stay with your cousin for the rest of the school year which is probably just another month or so. Depression is a terrible thing to deal with; I'm hoping you see better days ahead and feel better with each and every day. I would read you if you continued writing. If you decide to stop writing, I will miss you.
betty -
Hi Donna,
I'm so sorry you have been going through all of this. I do care about you and where you've been, and when you write....I do care enough to read it, always remember that! I feel so bad that you are feeling alone in your depression and anxiety, and I so hope that your Doctors can find a way to help you feel better. I know that at times, life seems like it is more than we can handle...and I will be praying for you and sending every good thought I have your way. Hang in there, and know that you are worth life, you are worth living it, and you are worth all the love God has to offer you.
Many Pooh Hugs,
Linda
4/9/08 11:19 AM