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Back from the Brink
Well, I guess that wasn't my last entry. I've written e-mails galore today, and still have more to say. So where else to say it?
I appreciate the comments. I don't think there's a proper way to make an announcement that you overdosed, so I just went with what came to my mind first, second, third. I am glad that is over.
I have just been sitting around thinking about my life. I am still afraid for getting kicked off disability. I won't know until I get the letter in the mail. And even when i get it, I'll just be worried about next time. So, as you can see, it's a worry that will continue. Dr. Lee told my therapist that my level of worrying on this topic was psychotic. I thought that was a little exaggerated, but I'm not the doc.
I have been thinking about jobs. My friend Pamela thinks I should be able to find a social work job when I get better. How I wish she were correct!
My last social work job was with MHMR in 2005. What a disaster that turned out to be. I started having excessive anxiety about seeing the clients. I would think they didn't like me. I would feel too nervous to call them. I would become so upset about it that I'd go in the bathroom and cry. I started getting depressed. I had to see these clients, but was too scared. So I began lying on progress notes. I said I saw them, but I did not. I made up things about the supposed visit.
This technique didn't do a thing for my mental health problems but make them worse. I started feeling so guilty about the lying and the failure that I got extremely depressed and suicidal. I started spending large chunks of my day in the office planning my suicide. I planned who all would be at my funeral, how exactly I would kill myself. I just couldn't make any sense of what would happen to Colton.
Then I became manic, with rapid cycling. I would be delighted with my suicide plan when I was manic, and depressed and terrified about it another time of day. My behavior became very odd. All the while I was freaking out about those lies, and I finally confessed.
They made arrangements for me to get to Glen Oaks Psychiatric Hospital,which was nice. They also fired me. I had committed Medicaid fraud, and they had to pay all that money back.
So I feel like that ruined my social work career. Or maybe it ruined my life. I've not been well for a full year since then.
I don't know how I'm ever going to get a social work job. There aren't many of them available. I have given serious consideration to writing MHMR human resources a letter and trying to talk them into making me eligible for rehire. I could tell them how much they need me at the mental health center, because some of the caseworkers they have are incompetent. It would be a dream come true for me to work with people who have mental illness. I am knowledgable about it, and I also have compassion and empathy.
Nevertheless, they probably won't let me work there again. There are a few other places, but it just seems hopeless.
I just need health insurance, daytime hours. That's asking for a lot.
Of course, even if something fell into my lap right now, I think it wouldn't be a good time to take it. I need to get completely well and have it last. I was doing very well for a few months around Christmas, and thought it would last forever. I thought I was cured! It's the 2nd time I've felt that way. And what happens? First the worries come back. Those are always a sign that I'm ill, or about to be ill. The excessive worries that attack my brain like some kind of flesh-eating bug.
Well, on a totally different topic... I guess the name of this journal won't make much sense, because I have given up trying to get back on Atkins. Man, it is impossible to get back on that diet when you've been off for a couple weeks. Very Very Very hard!! I just can't do it.
But, I am desperate not to gain all my weight back. I already gained 8 pounds while I was in the hospital. I don't want to get back up to a size 26 again, now that I'm in 22. I have been trying to eat sensibly, and sometimes failing. Today I think I did okay. Not great. Looks like I ate 2400 calories. Not great. But maybe not enough to make me gain!
My friend is giving me a CD to use that explains the diabetic diet. She swears that it's a great diet and you can lose weight on it. I find many diabetics who aren't so thrilled with it, but it's worth a shot. at this point, I'm not even about losing more weight. I am just desperate to maintain what I've already achieved.
About to take off to bed now!
Oh yeah, I have been reading some journals, but I know I missed some. If you are here and I haven't been to your journal in a timely manner, I'm sorry. I had to delete some of my alerts when I got home because there were too many. And I've had to delete some in the past week because I was so busy and they were overwhelming. Now I am back to a small number again, so I will try to get by to read you.
Good night to everyone!
Donna
adonnainparis at 11:53:00 PM EDT Blog about this entry |
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girl I have been out of commission to so I had to go back and reread your last entry , get well then we can worry about the weight loss .. and it will take time but it will happen sending you hugs
Sherry
http://journals.aol.com/shrbrisc/sherrys-weightloss-journey / -
I'm glad you are back!! You know, you can always change the name of this journal, or even make a new one for a fresh start....you always have options :)
I so understand how hard it is to get back on a plan after being off it....believe me. If you don't want to do Atkins anymore, it's no biggie. You just do what you feel that you can handle right now.....counting calories is a good place to start.
I'll keep you in my prayers that you find a job with benefits, I know it's stressing you out and making you feel anxious not having that. Things are about to look up for you sweetie....I just know it. Hang in there and never give up!
Pooh Hugs,
Linda -
Just went back and read your last 2 entries..... I hope that you will concentrate on getting better. Colton needs you!! My prayers are with you.
Joann -
Donna; I'm so glad you decided to keep your journal; you can always change the name of it.
I know how hard it is to get back on a diet plan after you've been off of it for awhile, don't look at it as a diet but perhaps call it healthier eating or something similar; that's what I'm trying to do to get my weight off (again); set up parameters of what I'll eat throught the day and then stay pretty much on plan, its low carb, but definitely not an Atkins type of diet
I think if you could find a job that you would be comfortable with it might help some with your anxiety; believe you me, I'm no expert, but I suffer from anxiety and I find if I keep myself busy I can work through it more than if I'm idle; the thing is, of course, finding something to do that brings you the money you need and benefits you need without the stress which is what you don't need
betty
4/15/08 9:00 AM
Christina