Cae's Cookies

I've been dating recently, and I know how that might sound to some people, like "ya, so," but to most, you know that I don't do that as often as others might think. I'm too picky and too busy, but I've found myself too often home on Friday or Saturday nights, and to me, at my age, that's not healthy. So, I decided to be a little more outgoing in the dating department. There is this one guy in particular that I've seen three times now, and I'm already wondering how to let the guy down gently. I thought maybe I was just nervous and needed to see him again just to be sure my kneejerk reaction to the who chemistry "vibe" wasn't a fluke. Well, it wasn't. It's not there. Great guy, has things going for him and stuff, but not meant for me.

On the way home tonight, like my mind always does, I tuned back to memory lane, and boy does that still pack a punch to the heart. I think, even though we never met, that I really loved Alanson, not something you just wonder if that's really how you feel, because how the hell do you know what love feels like if you've never felt it before. But tonight I realized that that must be my problem, the reason why whenever I think about him, hopefully healthy and striving wherever he is, I just ache and wish. Whatever happened, even though I know I did my best, I still have a small regret that things never advanced.

I stilll wonder where he is, if he's still in San Francisco. If he was there when I was there over the summer. If I had known where he worked, if I dropped by just to say hi, would that have even been possible. But this leads me back to the one main regret, that I didn't have the guts to go to NI when he invited me in the first place. Three years ago, perhaps this heartache would never have existed, or at least I would know if we were or weren't right for one another.

Damn, I hate when I get like this, because all I'll think about for the next few days is Alanson and what and how he's doing, and my own loneliness. There's nothing a healthy normal person can do about that, but get into the "game," right? Of course, as I say that to myself now, my adversary just screams that I had that, and I missed it.

I think what hurts the most is not knowing. But that's what life's about right? The unknown and being able to live with it?

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