Archives
April 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
7:35:00 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing nothing
I can't control my anger, and I have no patience to articulate my feelings anymore. They're never heard anyway. They're destorying me. I don't even know who I am. I feel so distorted and lost.
They've never give me a chance to explain myself and even if I did they'd never understand. We're too distant to even communicate. I feel so frustrated that I go to anger directly. He ALWAYS says shit about me. I never want to help him. I noticed when I first came here that he goes over all my faults again and again and makes me feel terrible. Even when he's being decent to me I hate THINKING of helping him bcuz I know I'll regret it later when he says something derogatory about me.
The hurt I feel is too raw to put into simple words. I don't even want to dig that deep into real feelings. I'll become depressed and I can't have that happening. It's better to block it out and hold it at bay.
His influence makes me lazy and want to please myself. I feel like I'm not worth anything when he hurts me every day by the emotional abuse I put up with every day.
He even yells at me for things I don't do. He thinks I want everything from him and I understand nothing. I could help them financially and I would help him physically if I enjoyed his company and respected him. I have neither feelings for him ....nor will I ever. I despise that man and I reject him from my life.
If they don't appreciate me why should I do hard work to get hurt more; to come home and not celebrate with my family....making it mean nothing.
I give up too eaily. I need support but I get none from them. Some from my friends...but they can't provide me the support and love that I need.
I want inner strength but it takes so long to gain it. I need to believe that I will be an amazing person when I leave here but it's so hard for me to believe that I will. I have so many doubts and the continual belief that I'm as worthless as broken glass triggers failure in my heart.
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7:35:00 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing nothing
leave me alone
They've never give me a chance to explain myself and even if I did they'd never understand. We're too distant to even communicate. I feel so frustrated that I go to anger directly. He ALWAYS says shit about me. I never want to help him. I noticed when I first came here that he goes over all my faults again and again and makes me feel terrible. Even when he's being decent to me I hate THINKING of helping him bcuz I know I'll regret it later when he says something derogatory about me.
The hurt I feel is too raw to put into simple words. I don't even want to dig that deep into real feelings. I'll become depressed and I can't have that happening. It's better to block it out and hold it at bay.
His influence makes me lazy and want to please myself. I feel like I'm not worth anything when he hurts me every day by the emotional abuse I put up with every day.
He even yells at me for things I don't do. He thinks I want everything from him and I understand nothing. I could help them financially and I would help him physically if I enjoyed his company and respected him. I have neither feelings for him ....nor will I ever. I despise that man and I reject him from my life.
If they don't appreciate me why should I do hard work to get hurt more; to come home and not celebrate with my family....making it mean nothing.
I give up too eaily. I need support but I get none from them. Some from my friends...but they can't provide me the support and love that I need.
I want inner strength but it takes so long to gain it. I need to believe that I will be an amazing person when I leave here but it's so hard for me to believe that I will. I have so many doubts and the continual belief that I'm as worthless as broken glass triggers failure in my heart.
Written by amandazerilli Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | digg this
