Looking over treetops...

leave me alone

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:35:05 GMT

I can't control my anger, and I have no patience to articulate my feelings anymore. They're never heard anyway. They're destorying me. I don't even know who I am. I feel so distorted and lost.
They've never give me a chance to explain myself and even if I did they'd never understand. We're too distant to even communicate. I feel so frustrated that I go to anger directly. He ALWAYS says shit about me. I never want to help him. I noticed when I first came here that he goes over all my faults again and again and makes me feel terrible. Even when he's being decent to me I hate THINKING of helping him bcuz I know I'll regret it later when he says something derogatory about me.
The hurt I feel is too raw to put into simple words. I don't even want to dig that deep into real feelings. I'll become depressed and I can't have that happening. It's better to block it out and hold it at bay.
His influence makes me lazy and want to please myself. I feel like I'm not worth anything when he hurts me every day by the emotional abuse I put up with every day.
He even yells at me for things I don't do. He thinks I want everything from him and I understand nothing. I could help them financially and I would help him physically if I enjoyed his company and respected him. I have neither feelings for him ....nor will I ever. I despise that man and I reject him from my life.
If they don't appreciate me why should I do hard work to get hurt more; to come home and not celebrate with my family....making it mean nothing.
I give up too eaily. I need support but I get none from them. Some from my friends...but they can't provide me the support and love that I need.
I want inner strength but it takes so long to gain it. I need to believe that I will be an amazing person when I leave here but it's so hard for me to believe that I will. I have so many doubts and the continual belief that I'm as worthless as broken glass triggers failure in my heart.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 05:02:20 GMT

Everybody warned me about him.They said he would use me and then duimp me. That fucker did. And if not then he's being a major asshole by not talking to me and ignoring me. It hurts and tears me.I want to beat him and shake him down. How could I have been so stupid to give him my virginity and THINK that we could be together. With all my heart I think/thought that we could be a good couple if we both worked towards it but no.Obviously he doesn't. I'm not just another girl. I'mspecial and I'mfucking worth it
I want to scream in his face about everything I'm thinking. There's so much I want to tell him but there's no way I'll tell him over im. I want to see him face to face and FEEL his reaction...him. I need that. I hate him for awakening these damn feelings within me..and me sinking to this utterly low, disgusting level. I'm humiliating myself and I think it's time that I've moved on and told him to fuck off and never to bother me again.
I can't take not knowing. I want solid plans I can lean against so I don't have to sifting through things to find something hard to cling onto. Oh I hurt. My heart wants to crawl out and twist into the fetal position. Doesn't her care or think of how all this affected/affects me? Are all guys this inconsiderate....do all them want only sex and so on? Is there no guy on this earth that connects with me absolutely perfectly...and if yes when am I going to meet him. I'm so scared that I'll be alone.
I never want to be that way.I need someone to share my life with, to be crazy with. And my heart keeps swelling...like it was injected full of drugs and it's going to keep growing and getting more painful before it burts and spills all it's blood over [the cup runneth over].
I hate men/boys. They can leave me alone, but it won't do I'll alwasy give them a chance if they even look at me in that way.That's how gullible and suspectible I am. I AM like my grandma. The person I never wanted to be.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'll complain about it at a later time. Too tired and having that second vision again.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:16:06 GMT

Field trip 2morrow for 2 days
No blessed school
Exactly how I like it lol

Excitements coursing through me
but so is apprehnsion
It's an explosive combination...

just how I feel about someone 2

Last evening

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:06:17 GMT

Sun's setting
There's a stream of light
Lighting my road
I'd give anything to be by the water
And watch it set..

I love watching sunsets go down..

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 23:53:22 GMT

U know when u get those feelings when for maybe a second or a whole day u see the world differently?
U want to reevaluate ur life and make everything better...u start seeing the joys in scarificing and the love that flows around ppl continuously..waiting to be seen

That feeling is so euphoric and catching that I never want to let it go but somehow I always lose it, falling back into my old habits

This time I mean to keep it

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 04:31:49 GMT

I give u choices and from what u decide I can find out who u r

I do something dumb..you make me feel dumb
I do something dumb...you laugh with me and make me feel better

I'm ready to keep on crying and you u say ok, and yea

I'm ready to keep crying and you tell me how special I am and touch my heart

I'm bored out of my mind and you agree with me and say nothing

I'm bored out of mymind and you say something random and we're not bored

I wish I could finally meet that amazing guy because so far it either doesn't work out... or they weren't who they seemed to be

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 01:34:45 GMT

Tears are the things in this world that make me want to never live again.
I'm tired of bearing this pain and trying to forget it right afterwards so I can live an existence without pity.
When you hear the words "We need to get rid of her" it tears right through everything that's protecting your soul and hurts you so bad that you lose your breath.
I hate being detested at home. It hurts so much,but I try not to care and blow it off. They can never see the good side of me and they never ever will be understand me.
I'm such a bad person to them, and what I hate the most is that I can't change what they feel...
I hate life right at this moment!!!
I would skip through this mental pain if I had alternative to choose.

rit

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 00:22:04 GMT

I need a daily writing serving. I need to evaluate myself, because no one else can do it for me.Ok right now I'm going to write down some facts.

Megan hates me

Monica hates me

Kendra hates me

Alyssa is a bitch and says shit about meand prob hates me

Kerry's siding with group

Grandpa is disgusted with me and despises me

Keely hates me

Charolatte probably thinks I'm an assuming bitch

Mrs.Karnes prob thinks I'm a poor vp and thinks I'm not a hard worker

Mrs. Groom prob thinks she was wrong about me and that I'm a slacker

I let down that woman from that volunteer thing

I never called back that guy from ball room dancing

I broke my promise to Abdul about sending him a boob pic [that wouldn't happen for anyone I know in person!!]

Never went in for making up my math credit

Treat Karen like shit all the time

Barely ever take care of my animals

Swear too much

Break promises too much

Have no morals

Have to learn responsibility and sacrifice

Have to learn to keep my room clean

Learn how to listen better

Respect people more

Think how actions affect people

BE NICE

Don't care what people think of u..take care of yourself

LOVE URSELF but not too much

Always try to improve yourself

I'm changing and that's that

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:07:07 GMT

Maybe if they didn't complain about trivial shit and make me mad they'd understand I'm not mean and a spoiled little brat.
But no, they always have to see the annoyed part of me that gets angry very quickly!
I'm fucking damn sick of this house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:34:43 GMT

I wish Khanh was here. I hate waiting for him;being reduced to this lovesick girl but I am and I want to.
I haven't known him that long but I like him a lot. He makes me laugh continually and it kills me. All I want to do is be over there in AZ with him or have him here with me.
If he was here with me...we'd have so much fun and I'd finally get my first kiss with him.What I wouldn't give to touch him and have him touch me.