Live From Deep In The Heart Of The State Of Confusion...

10:22:36 PM PST

For years drug lords have been using humans, underground tunnels, and airplanes to traffic drugs in to the states as well as other means of transport. So why should it shock us that now the have made a submarine to do the same as well. I only have one question and that is just where did they plan on docking at one of thier buddies  marina slip or what?  

Ok next thought, So when your scarecrow does not speak the language do you sign it up for classes so that it will be "More Effective" I mean what the heck is next teaching your cat to speak dog.  

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12:13:48 AM PST
I have gone days without looking at myself in the mirror and recently when for whatever reason I did and to my amazement I did not recognize the person that was looking back at me. the eyes that were looking back at me were of a person whose soul has obviously been broken and battered I would even say shattered. There was no light, drive, or even shadow of the person that I once was or thought myself to be. I don't know when this person that is reflected back at me came to be. Nonetheless, here she is a stranger in my home and in my body. The thing I find ironic is that I wonder what it is that she knows that I do not and will she ever share it with me. I know that nothing in life ever stays the same but this is one of few changes that I was totally not prepared for in just a glance you can see that he suffer from a heart that is so broken it is beyond mending and is now afraid to be laid on the line once again. what do you do when super glue is not enough to mend a broken heart. When the love that is lost can never be recaptured again. I don't know how to help my self move past missing my best friend.   

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1:57:18 AM PST
A few weeks ago my Aunt Lucy who lives across the street came by to use the phone as she does not have a long distance plan this is not a big deal I was sitting out on the front porch with her daughter who works here and we was taking a break and just chatting when  Lucy came walking up the drive and across the lawn she then took a seat on the porch with my cousin and myself and asked to use the phone. When we all came in the house Lucy proceed to ask me if I happen to happen to have any ice cream. I told her yeah there was some in the refrigerator freezer and that she could have some I was stilling at the computer looking up some prices of something that I would be needing to get from the store this week. I did not realize that she never grabbed herself a bowl to put said ice cream in. she then proceeded to sit al most directly behind me in the recliner I just happen to look over my shoulder when she announce that the ice cream had never been open I just shook my head  and she dug in to a half gallon of Dryers chocolate chip ice cream after she had her fill she was ready to my cousin offered her mother a ride home and my aunt Lucy said that was ok she walked every painful step over she would walk waver painful step back and that she needed the exercise as she then to place the ice cream in a shopping bag and she turned and looked at me  and says I will return your spoon later. that is when I looked  at my cousin and said you know your mother is just ghetto and my cousin say so me. You know she is crazy.

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1:23:57 AM PST
Hearing The Knife Show on PAX
I know that it has been a long while since I last made a journal entry and my only excuse for that is really lame to be really honest with you. You see back in January I got a video game system for my birthday and I have been kinda stuck on stupid gaming and my poor lil PC and my on line life kinda got set to the back burner, see I told you it was lame. But here is the big fat update since January. my mother is doing well and I am blessed to have her with me. My uncle that lived in Texas has moved back to Ca but I do not know how long that is gonna last I know he is gonna start missing his kids and either send for them or head back there to go get them but he and his wife just could not make a go of it any longer after 16 years. My brother just found out that his girlfriend is expecting there first child, Lord help us all. My Aunt Lucy stole ice cream and a spoon from me and I think she is keeping the spoon hostage, but I am not really sure on that one I will have to get back to you on that one. but that is about it as far as the family is concerned.    But as for me I think the most slightly assuming thing that happened well at least this past week anyway happened with my ex whom I refer to as Crazy. I got an email that I unclear on from Crazy so I called her; however, she was not home. When I did finally make contact with Crazy she told me told me that she told me that she had thought that she had really messed things up with the person she has been involved with. Now mind you, Crazy's relationship with "Jane" has had its share of own type craziness and ups and downs over that past couple of months and I have been really supportive and I habit my tongue and just sat and let Crazy vent when needed, I have never had a problem with, so Crazy goes on to tell me what is going on with Jane. At that point my only thought is "I could have told you that was gonna happen." And before I know it Crazy asked me if I was jealous of Jane? Can I tell you can I just tell it was a good thing that I was not drinking anything because I surly would have choked. my response to this retarded question is,   "No, of all the thoughts that ever run through my mind were the two of you are concerned that has never been one of them. Actually, there has been only one thought that tends to run throughout my mind when it come to the two of you. And that is I think it is ironic that in this world you tow found you way to one another because now you know what it is like to date yourself." What the hell did I say that did I say that for because I must have hit the irate bitch button cause it just set her off. And me being me went on to explain that the emotional turmoil is reflective to what I felt when dating her, and from listening to her in her talk about her other relationships after me I feel as thought her other ex's most likely feel the same way I do. Before I knew it the F word was off and running and I was blaming her for the problems in our past relationship this woman was so pissed that she hung up on herself while she was still calling me everything but a child of God. I then sent Crazy an email saying that I was ending a curtesy that I was extending to her out of friendship, and this is the response I got.........   that's fine... you can also send me my damn diploma that you keep hanging on to.... And you can be all pissed but you had no right to kick me while I was down and try blaming me for our relationship... Our relationship is over, it has been over for 6 years, get over it already... When you grow up and stop blaming me for everything in our relationship and want to apologize for kicking me while I was down and blaming me for shit, you can call the house but not until then... Later     The only thing I can say to this is I told her do not date anyone that has the same kinda mental issues as she does such as Jane. Then when I put it in words she can understand she freaks out. I find it freaking funny, and I think that one of the best things that I ever did was end that relationship yrs ago and I am not responsible for her crap she should have taken it when she left and if she really wanted she could have sent for long ago back before I moved yrs ago like I know where the hell it is now.

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4:27:13 AM PST

It seems like every month there is a new Food and Drug Administration warning, recall or alert. I was really starting to think that the competition between the manufactures was so competitive that they were just cutting corners just to get the next wonder drug out on the market and charge the unsuspecting public an arm, leg and first born child for a bottle of chemicals. Once I took look at the reasons why some of the things have been recalled what I found the most interesting was the fact that there are a lot of things being recalled and or pulled from the market via manufacture. I mean every thing from cookies to surgically instruments and biological products from blood to donor tissue. I now have a new out look on the nutritional labels on food and not to mention my next blood transfusion. It is amazing what we are unaware of on a daily basis in our drug stores supermarkets and our own home.

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3:39:29 AM PST
As I sit here thumb through the news papers via online, like I do. I ran across the following statement.    Some levels of rocket fuel pollution are safe...   And I gotta tell you the first thought that came to mind was rocket fuel good, cigarettes bad sure that makes sense, NOT!  What the hell is wrong with this picture? Yes I read the article but come on people some on explain this to me like I am a 2 year old how the hell can "some" rocket fuel be safe but all cigarettes be bad  for you? Color me stupid but I don't get it. Poison is poison and that is there is to it.   

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2:59:22 AM PST
Feeling Silly

     So I have been mulling over my life and things from my past. I have come to realize amongst my handful of failed relationships the relationships that that I think have messed me up for life in one way or another were left hand people. That alone seems strange but the even stranger part about it is that the left handed people were born in the same month. So when you add that together you get this really wired kinda jaws theme music happening if you know what I mean but there are more similarities in regard to the left handed people of my past and that being the case. It begs the question, is it really the fault of the left handed people or did/do I just keep making the same mistake when it come to relationships?

      I guess I need to start doing things different in my life to come up with a new out come. But then too I was not the best person to be in a relationship with I tended to be come lazy and complacent in relationships and just when things are getting good I sabotage my own relationship. I still have no idea what the hell that is about. I know that I am not a rejection junkie but there is a part of me that just might be a bit of a drama junkie.       

     I think that I have had one relationship that I was really happy in and I was in love w/ my partner and life all at the same time. No, it was not a left handed person have you not been paying attention me and the left handed people are like oil and water. hell in my most resent relationship I was quoted a line from a movie which was that, "I behaved like a vending machine, out of order." Okay, enough with the rehash of the past for now and I guess I will set my sights on what is to come in this a new year. Some times when I think that I am gonna spend my life by myself no matter what I do it is then that my cell phone rings and I hear a special voice of someone who loves me on the other end and I once again have hope for the future. 

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12:32:35 AM PST

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.

 

In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal  (who we will call Dumb Ass) said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."

His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."

He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

In a brief telephone interview with Reuters, Dumb Ass said, "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation."

A spokesman for "Fear Factor" said the show would have no comment until it sees a copy of the complaint. The spokesman said the program did feature a rat-eating scene in New York's Times Square on Nov. 8.

Over the years, contestants on the program have eaten some weird things, including ground-up spiders and live worms.

Okay people have we not learned how to change a channel on the TV as of yet. I mean hell when I see that fear factor is coming on I without fail change the channel because I know I do not want to watch someone eat some I would not put in my or my enemies mouth. And don't let me get started on ass backwardness of Jerry Springer this is what we have a remote or if you don't have remote have your kid change the channel. Hell I was the remote control in my family until my brother learned his numbers and then that chore was his. I swear that if this thing goes to trail someone should ask Dumb Ass' mother was he born this way because this is just about the most asinine thing I have heard in some time. I think it is right up there in my top 10 list right up there in w/ the Jerry Springer opera that they will be showing in the UK.  You know this is the kinda just that makes me scratch my head and  ask, "So how much crack does one have to smoke to do something this stupid?" 

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8:44:52 PM PST
Well, I know that A.) I had not been doing a good job of keeping up on my journal but that is what happens when you get a little bit depressed and you are me. B.)Not to mention the fact that my computer was not working as of the first part of November and I just got it fixed and so I am back online and believe it or not I really missed not being online I did not realize that I had such an addiction to being online but I guess I do.   Since my last entry I have lost my 15 year old cat Horton. He had gotten so sick that I had to put him down. Tigger and I miss him everyday and I think that we are a little lost with out him. To make matters worse for me he died on my late bestfriend's birthday. the strange thing about it is that I relased ballons for her that day and they headed right for the vets office. I guess the went to pick up Horton as he that was known for taking his time to get from point a to point b.    And I have had some other things going on in my life that I just do not think that I am ready to talk about just yet. We had a good Christmas my jail bird brother was home for thanksgiving and Christmas this year I honestly cannot tell you when he was home last for a holiday let alone three in a row so that is pretty cool. Well, I think that is about it for now all is well with me and mine and I hope you can say the same.    

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5:51:38 AM PST
Feeling Quiet

Here I sit at the keyboard listening the sound of the gentle rain hitting the grass as my Tigger runs and plays in it all the while looking a dry spot that she herself can make wet. I have known for some time now that Tigger was a little bit twp I think this just proves it.

I have for the last few days been dealing with some things that I have done in my past that I am not proud of and I am not all to sure that I know how to deal with this realization that I have done so many horrible things in my life. I find it funny that the people that know me now know what I would say is a completely different person. It is strange how abuse of any kind can have a profound effect on a persons life and change them for some good and for other not.

I would like to think that I have learned from my mistakes. I hope that I will not repeat the mistake that I have made in the past ever again. I feel as though I am at an emotional crossroads and that in time I will once again metamorphose in to something all together new.

It is time to call the cat in from her play time close the door and lock up tight and head to bed. I know I will read for a few hours before I drift off I think tonight it will be Plato. All the while the rest of the world awakens to start their day.  

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