The Truth, a way to vent and think in words

6:42:10 PM EST
Feeling Quiet

Ok - so first of all this little puppy will be making it's arrival here for my dad on 12/22.  Isn't he just adorable?  How can I say no to the cute little face.... Ok so people know me to well - I get all upset about a puppy and ask to many questions, and to a point was against it.... THEN they show me pictures.. how can I refuse him a home now!

I guess you can say it has been a trying few weeks for me.  We had our Employee appreciation dinner on 11/16 - it was very nice for being on a Friday!  But we all had a great time - lots of food - drinks  and the dancing!  It was a great time had by all.

Then comes 11/18 - the day I can still see in my head like it was yesterday.  My dad was in a car accident.  I got the call  - he tells me he is ok - and to come get him.  So I get myself together and I head to lockport.  Anyone who knows me and the area - knows it takes usually a good 30 to 45 minutes from house to get to Lockport - Not on this day... 15 minutes MAX!  And then I saw it - 3 fire trucks - 2 ambulances and a whole bunch of police cars... and the blue car TOTALED and lieing in the ditch... Needless to say I wanted to find my dad and almost got into an accident myself becasue I was paying attention.. Anyway.. enough with the details... long story short - my dad truck is also totaled - he has a fractured bone in his left wrist - The other people are alright also.  Thank goodness!  But now dad is totally dependant on me... which is fine - but he needs to be able to do things on this own. 

I am trying my hardest to get into the christmas spirit - I want this year to be a happy one.. but I just can't find it in me.  I try - and then something will remind me of those who are no longer here - and it sets me back. 

Well I am procastinating,, I am suppose to be doing my laundry and writting checks for dad's bills - and well to be honest all I want to be doing is sitting in my recliner with one or all of my cats - under the afgan - with a cup of tea.. watching movie. 

But I am off - I will try to be back again soon.  Until then.. Hugs~  Ann

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12:08:47 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

It is hard to believe that it was May since I wrote in my journal.  I guess part of that has to do with my Myspace page.  I have been blogging there.. but realized today that there is so much more on my mind that I really can't put there.

I have to say just how proud of myself I am.  I will be 11 weeks on Tuesday that I have quite smoking.  Sure like most I have slipped here and there- but it was nothing to get right back on the wagon.  I don't feel any different.. I don't miss it at all.  As a matter of fact  I did it cold turkery and I think that is part that has helped the most. 

During the past 11 weeks there have been many obsticles that one would have thougth that I would have gone back.. But didn't.  Lets see - I have put my dog Kline to sleep... that was the hardest day for me.  I have never had to do that.. usually they just go to sleep on their own.   I did this the first day of my vacation - the day before I was to pick Scott up from the airport and 3 days before my girlfriend Amy was to get married.  So needless to say I did have good things to keep my mind off my dear Kline.

So, yes Scott came in to go to the wedding with me.  I can't even put into words how it felt to see him walk out from the gate.  I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream - or for that matter to have someone pinch me and tell it was real and I wasn't dreaming. We had an amazing weekend together.  Unfortunetly - I had my guard up- the walls around me were so high - I almost didn't think i could climb though.  But it was still amazing.  Made us both come to some decision.

Well for now I will end.. I didn't realize how late it is and I have to be up early.  More then likley for my last week of overtime. 

Until next time - that will hopefully be soon then it has been in the past -

Hugs!  Night.

 

 

 

 

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11:12:56 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing None

I can't believe how long it has been since I have written.  So much has changed here in journal land.. but also in my life.  Its weird how you always think that things are going to stay the same - but then are changing when you are not looking. 

I have missed writing my thoughts in here.  Not that lately alot of thoughts have been going on - I have been trying not to think.  Thinking lately has gotten either more confused or in trouble. 

I went to Georgia for Thanksgiving.  It was really nice to see and spend time with Andre.  I think my sides ached for weeks once I got back from all the laughing he and I did.  I made Thanksgiving dinner at the friends house he is staying.  It was a challange but I won!  I did get to see Scott for a little while on the day before I was leaving. 

Christmas - well another holiday been and gone. I flew Andre home so he could be with his Grandmother for the holiday.   We kept it as a surprise for his grandmother  - only Tina and I knew he was coming in. 

The New Year brought me my promotion!  I was so excited. I had been working extra hard prior to the holidays, and well it all paid off.

Because of the raise that came with the promotion - I was able to join a gym.  I have been going now for 2 months.  I know for a fact that I have lost a total over body of 11 inches.  I would love to say that I lost weight - but my instructor has told me not to 100% pay attention to the scale.  Since I am doing both cardio and weights there is a good chance that I am gaining muschle quicker then I am losing weight.

  And now we get to the present.  It is spring, time to finish project from over the winter.  Time to drive the Firebird.  Time to spend with new and old friends.  I think this summer is going to be really fun. 

Well, I am off to bed.  I have an early morning. Lucky me I get to go to the dentist in the morning and then the doctor in the afternoon.  Wish me luck!

Bye for now.  Hugs~

 

 

 

 

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4:11:02 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing none

Sunday, October 1st, 2006

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11:19:17 PM EDT
Feeling Happy

Wow - I have done it again.  I have not written in almost a month.  You would think that I have been busy living life - or something.  That is quite the contrary.  But the last time I wrote I stated that I felt like I have lost more weight.  Well, I went to the doctor last week, and I have lost another 15lbs.  I am so excited.  I have 50 more pounds to go to get to my goal weight.

So what have I been up to.  Well lets see.  I have been training a new employee this week.  I have been pulling 12 hour days, and let me tell you they have really gotten to me.  I was able to sleep in for a little bit today - but once 10 am hit I was wide awake.  And for me that is unusal! 

I saw Mr X today.  We got together for a few hours.  He was leaving for Tennenesee tonight.  He has a job out there for about a week, but it could turn into a 8 week job.  I am happy for him.  He has been wanting to get back out on the road for a while now. So I took him out for dinner and to get a few things to make sure has some stuff.  He left here about 7:30pm and plans to either drive through or stop - but will be calling me to let me know. 

I have talked to Scott - well at least once this week.  This is my final word on mr Scott. I can't do it any more.  He says he wants to work things out - and then just this weeks - states that he is scared that he is going to lose me to Mr X.  But yet is not willing to fight for me or us - well then I guess you lost me!  So to him I say good bye - and good luck!

Not much else is really going on.  Just working alot, and trying to catch up on my soap opera and mail.  Monday we have training on a new mail system.. I have never used Lotus Notes - so I am hoping that it is similar to Outlook. I guess we will see on Monday.

Well it is getting late for me - so I am off to bed... until next time - Night Night -

 

Hugs~

 

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1:01:47 PM EDT
Feeling Happy

Yes I am actually in a good mood.  I have been for a few days now and really don't know why.  Maybe it is because I feel like I have lost more weight!  Horrarry Me! Of Course it is not offical - I haven't weighed myself.  But as they say - it is not in what the scale says - it is in how your clothes fit - and they all fit different - looser!

 Well it is that time of year again.  The Annual Lewiston Peach Festival.  I didn't go last year, but this year I am going.  I am meeting T at her house and off we go.  Your probably wondering how I can go to a town with so many memories - and after saying goodbye.  Well...

Last Sunday I was out with Mr X.  We went driving, no particular place to go or to be, so we just drove.  Well I ended up in Lewiston.  A place I really didn't want to be - I had said goodbye to the bad and the ugly - and I wasn't ready to make sure I had said goodbye - if that makes sence.  Well I drove by the house - or I should say where the house used to be - I didn't cry - I didn't even have the urge to cry.  I have actually done it!  I have said good bye to my past!  And even now when I talk about the house - no tears - no choking up!  It feels good.  Good to know that I have let go of the bad and ugly of my past and am left with the good memories - and I am able to move forward with what ever my be in my path.

Speaking of my path.  Scott called last night. We actually talked for an hour.  It has been a very long time since we have talked that long.  But of course the one thing that didn't change was that it was all him talking.  But that is ok.  He informed me that he got his promotion. He is now an Assistant Manager of Autozone.  I am so proud of him - he so deserves it and has for a long time coming!  Then he hit me with it... "So what would you think of a house here in Georgia?"  I didn't know what to say - and really wasn't given the oppertunity to say anything - he just kept talking.  But when I could - I was proud of me - I really held my ground and told him that it really defeats the purpose of us having separate residences.  If we are going to work things out we can't live in the same house, until we know for sure this is really what we both want.  As I told him, I REFUSE to put Me, or my animals or my dad through that.  I am not doing the  - I move in it doesn't work I am moving again game!  It no longer works that way for me.  If I move - it is for the rest of my life.  I am done moving back and forth!

So much has gone on this week.  It is to much. In about 2 weeks I will find out if I get my promotion - or new position if you will.  I am not sure what comes with this position - all I do know is that it comes with more responsiblity. 

Well I am off for now.  I will be back later to with the rest of my week and how the festival was!

Until then - Bye for now!

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9:26:45 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing XM Radio :Boneyard

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday.  It has been a really look week. I have been training the last of the 3 people that I have to train on Customer Service.  I am hoping that if this was a test that I have passed.  But we will see.  Nothing more has been said about me getting the new postion, so I am not sure what to think. I just know that I am enjoying the overtime!  But I get the feeling next week will be the end of that. 

Not really much else has been going on.  Hence the fact that I really haven't written.  I am still waiting for Scott to tell me what he is doing.  Is he going to Florida or is he coming back to NY.  The only thing he has stated lately is that he will be leaving Georgia in 3 weeks.  Well some of us need to know more details then that, so that I get be ready.  I am getting the feeling if he does come home that he will just appear outside my door.  This is something that Scott would do and it would not surprise me! 

Today is payday and I really don't have the energy to write out my checks and pay my bills.  Though I know I have to, it is a part of life.  I just don't wanna!

Well that is all for right now.  Until next time - bye for now

 

hugs~

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2:42:51 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Reba

Horoscope for: Sunday, August 20, 2006 Perhaps you have sunk into a bit of an emotional funk recently and see no easy way out. Your current situation is weighing on you enough that it is apparent to everyone in your life. There's no need to pretend; there's no reason to hide yourself from those who want to love you. Take a risk and share what's in your heart.

Good Morning! Yes - You read that correct - I said Good morning.  It is 2:30 pm Eastern time and I have only been up for about a half our.  I got home around 4:30 this morning.  I hit the bed and I was out!

Todays Horoscope truly is right today. Well I was out last night, I found out some things that have really weighing heavy on my mind.  Things that could really change how I feel on things.  And could possibly change the path that I go down on my love life.  (No this is not me coming out - I am 100% straight).  I goes maybe I should not have brought it up since I really can't get into what I am saying.  But the horoscope really hit home!

Well, my friend won the pageant last night!  I am so happy for her.  Congratulations, Miss Buddies II!!  She was so nervous and I kept telling her she had nothing to worry about!  But why listen to me.  The good thing was that the person that was doing her makeup - ending up dresser her and I was just there for support.  That works for me!  I saw ALOT of old friends last night.  It was great to see them all, and the warm hellos that came with it.  People that I didn't even think knew who I was - were saying hi with hugs.  I also so an old friend that I haven't seen in YEARS.  He is the other half of an ex-friend, who did me wrong.  He was walking out of the bar, and I called his name, we embrassed and cried for like 10 minutes.  OMG it was sooo good to see him!  Sad to hear that they were breaking up, but I knew it was matter of time before S saw the true person that he was with.

Well, I am off for now... I have so much to get done today and sleeping as late as I didnt is not helping.  Half of my day is gone and I have nothing done. 

Until later..... Hugs~ 

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6:15:23 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

Well, even though I really don't want to, I am going out tonight.  Why don't I want to.. well I hate going out by myself.  Granted I am going to meet friends, but it is not the same.  I guess I should explain that a little further.  Though I am a straight female- I have many friends in the gay community, they really have become like family to me.  And tonight my one friend who is a Drag Queen, has entered a pageant.  She will not let anyone be her dresser but me!  I am the only one that seems to understand her mood swings due to nervousness.  So, needless to say I am going.  I can't let her down!

Now my second problem - what the heck to wear.  Sure right now it is 71 degrees, but I don't know what it is going to be like later. Is it going to be cold.. is it going to be raining like it has all day.. I am at a loss.  Plus, I want to make sure that I am comfortable.  Dressing someone can be a hard job, drag queen or not.  So know I am thinking do I wear a skirt or do I wear short.... UGH I hate these decisions!!

I am so glad I am done working for the week.  But next week brings another long week.  Another week of 50 plus hours.  Talk about working your summer away.  Summer is almost gone and what have a done.  Not really much of anything if you really think about it...

Well I am going to end.  I have to go and figure out what the devil to wear.  I will write again later, if able!

Good luck Momma - you will be great!  Love ya!

Bye for now.  Hugs to all~

 

 

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11:40:35 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing AOL Radio:Hair Metal

First let me say, yes the color of the text in yesterday's entry is very very close to the color of my hallway.  Now do we see my dilemma.  I don't have heart to tell my dad how truly awful it really looks. 

Second.. yes it is Friday - but not for me.  We have mandatory overtime tomorrow.  I have to be at work at 6:30 am.  So needless to say I am going to bed very very shortly. 

Well needless to say - I started this entry about an hour ago and I am still awake.  And why.. oh everyone decided to call me.  Scott called and I talked to him for like a half hour and then Mr X beeped in and I talked to him for 10 - 15 minutes and then I talked to T.  So now I am lucky enough to have my mind going a mile  minute.  Between thinking about the conversations with the guys - and the music on the radio... OH I am pretty much in trouble...

Let me tell ya - when it rains it pours.  With the rain comes a flood of emotions.   Not to mention confusion.  In talking with Scott he has pretty much told me where things are.  We are currently just two friends talking, and seeing where things go.  Taking it day by day.  Which is fine with me.  But still the confusion is there.  Why now - why has he changed his mind on things now.  My life can never be drama free.  I would love to know what that would be like - a life with no drama.. does it even exist??!!!

I have realized that it never fails.  Just when you think all is going well, or you have found someone to move on with, all the single guys come out of the wood work.  What is that all about.  Is this just part of the plan, to keep us women on our toes.  I just don't understand. 

What I do know is that I am a 32 year old women - who is ready to settle down. Be with just one person, have a family and that big house on the hill with the white picket fence to boot.  Is that too much for one to ask for?  But what do I have instead.. 1 guy who is a 1000 miles away who says he wants to work things out - but at the same time doesn't know if he really wants to come home.  Then on the other side, I have a guy, who is a great person.  He has been a true friend through all of this.  But also, is someone that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.  This same person has gone weeks without calling me - or answering a call or returning one - now he knows what is going with Scott and has done nothing but keep calling - making sure he answers or returns a call or even calls me back when he says he is going to.  Something is up with that.. or maybe I am just looking to much into it.  I mean with Scott I have to read in between the lines.. am I doing that with Mr X - and there really isn't anything to read?? 

Well now that I have totally gotten off track with what I was thinking originally for this entry and now don't even remember what that was.  I think that is sign that I need to go to bed.  I have to be to work in oh.. 7 hours... What a long day that is going to be.  Plus I have plans of going out tomorrow night and no way of getting out of it.. well maybe in a strange way it is what I need.. Who knows anymore.

Well on that note.. i am off to bed.  I hear it calling my name and my cats are meowing at me saying "Mommy come on it is bed time!" 

So until tomorrow or early Sunday morning.. I am off.  Bye for now!  Night Night!!

 

Hugs~

 

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