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Cruise-a-palooza


We all know that the Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone thinks Tom Cruise has been committing "creative suicide" with his public antics over the past year. But now's the time to figure out what went wrong with that once untouchable Top Gun and see if the plane can be righted again. For starters, we must dig deep in the dossier, back to 'Risky Business', when Tommy first chose to abuse home furnishings, and Oprah was just a twinkle in ABC's afternoon programming, not the media megalon she is now.


A lot of people have blamed Scientology for brainwashing the actor, but no one mentions how that "religion" has decimated his dance moves. Granted he's a pasty white boy trying too hard to be dope on B.E.T, but homeboy looked more fly wiggling his tighty whiteys to the tune of Bob Seger.


Now we move to exhibit "A." The clip you've probably seen, but must see again to remind yourself that this grown man is allowed to legally impregnate someone barely half his age. The clip that has been logged in the Smithsonian as the "Doprah on Oprah." Yet watch it alongside that old bit from 'Risky Business' it makes you wonder if Tom had only jumped on the couch in his skivvies, no one would have said squat.


Here's the clip that we include for Sumner Redstone's benefit. Gramps, you may think it's dope to call your boy Cruise a wingnut to the world, but he has powers you don't realize. Behold the Wrath of Cruise. When the lightning bolts start to fly in your corner office, you'll realize who's really committed "creative suicide."


Sumner, at this point you may want to find out whatever voodoo priestess those boys from 'South Park' have hired. Somehow they were able to mock R. Kelly and Tom Cruise in a 'South Park' episode and after all was said and done, wind up with an Emmy nomination. If that's not a deal with the devil, or possibly L. Ron Hubbard's estate, what is it?





Of course, there were still repercussions. Isaac Hayes, in a brilliant career move, decided to leave his stint as Chef on 'South Park.' Luckily, as Jimmy Kimmel points out, he was able to pick up a new gig immediately. That's Cruise power.


Summy, when T.C. finally decides to confront you, consider throwing water on him. Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, Mr. Cruise melts when faced with liquid. He's in league with forces you know nothing of, forces more vicious than the press corps at an Adam Sandler junket.





And as long as we're discussing the media, who do you think Tommy will blame for his downfall? Yep, that's right. You can bet he's going to say he's being crucified, or at least slimed. But he's a trooper. He's been there before. He'll rise again.




Picture from Hometown

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aolcomedy at 3:59:00 PM EDT Blog about this entry
This entry has 144 comments: (Add your own)
  • #144 Comment from firstworldentrp 
    1/28/07 9:01 PM Permalink
    Isaac Hayes providing Tom Cruise's voice on the video of Tom acting up on Oprah Winfrey's show is inspired and hilarious.  I've enjoyed Tom's movies over the years but I think he went a little kookoo last year.  Things seem to have settled down of late and he's keeping a little lower profile, which is good.  The only publicity he or Katie really need or should go out of their way to attract, is publicity about any movies they have coming out.  Sticking to show business, not weird business, is the wisest course for them both.

    T Man
    http://www.privatejetsalesandrental.com
  • #143 Comment from jstcookn12 
    8/27/06 6:34 AM Permalink
    Why is everyone so mean?  Who gives you the right to judge?  You are entitiled to your opinion, but why slam someone, because you can?  People do not have to live up to "your" standards, nor you to theirs.  He is not breaking any laws.  Tom has brought happiness to many.  Whatever his reason for not bringing Suri out is his.   The way the paparazzi is,  I wouldn't want my baby out either.  All the screaming noise would surely scare the baby.  I also couldn't get over the posts that commented on Tom's height.  Is there nothing you won't grab at to try to tear him down?  This goes to show, we need more compassion in our lives.

    Congratulations Tom and Katie upon your new baby Suri.  You have to be a strong person to let all this slander just roll right off you.  But it is just that, slander by people that can choose something to vent on you, when in fact, if they look deep, it is something about them.        I know you will have continued success, and I do hope and wish more happiness for those that have the judgemental attitudes.  Lets have more love in our lives.

    Thank you for listening.  Kathy
  • #142 Comment from maurnenstr 
    8/27/06 6:12 AM Permalink
    i noticed that one of the descriptions of TC was along the lines of a pasty white boy....well, there is a likely Native American somewhere in his lineage.  Although TC  got dental braces in middle age, he has been noted to have shovel shaped incisors.  THis trait is a tracjubg reference in the Native American gene pool.  Not All pasty white, perhaps a bit of natural wildness among the anglo-euro mix.  Regardless, whatever he does, he does.  Nothing he is being publicly censured for is illegal.  So, if you must, HAVE a judgement.  
  • #141 Comment from algundia421 
    8/27/06 6:08 AM Permalink
    What Tom Cruise does in his private life is HIS business !  He is one of the best actors,   his movies made a lot of money for the studios,  and he SHOULD  and  WILL  continue making good  movies...   So many other actors gained notoriety by their  antics and continued  on  in  their  careers  in acting.   I wish everyone left Tom Cruise alone !   Especialy  the  friggin press !    I will   cotinue   watching  his works, and  enjoying his acting on screen !
  • #140 Comment from jimmyhman 
    8/27/06 5:57 AM Permalink
    I still want to know whose baby it is. Wonder if Michael Jackson's surrogate lady was available. I don't really care if he's gay or not, I just don't like Hollywood publicity lies, which have been fooling people since time began. If it's another Hollywood ploy I'd just like to know today, and not 20 years from now. That's all I'm sayin'. Forgetabouthim.
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