Aunt Dubby's Ugly Green Couch

The Local Gazette, Headlines, Aug. 24, 2005

 

LOCAL RELEASED FROM HARD TIMES

Our own Ms.Gussy Dubella, A.K.A "Dubby" was released from prison last week after being convicted of bribbery, assault, and going on the lam...(you know, evading authority and all that.)

Anyway, she (Dubs) has been released. There were reports that Dubby had made it as far as Bermuda, but that has yet to be confirmed.

What we do know, (since no one is speaking) is that Dubby was released from prison twenty pounds lighter, and she was carrying a poncho type looking thing, It looked like it may have been patterned after the same poncho Martha Stewart was wearing upon her release at Camp Cupcake.

Rumor has it Martha knitted the damn (oops) poncho herself, based on a pattern Dubby commandeered after finding out how cold prison porcelain heads can be after midnight.

(It's a bowl cover people, not a friggin poncho.....)

Anyway..Dubby, er Ms. Dubella, has been released, and the taxi driver said he dropped her off safe and sound at her home at the "Last Stop Trailer Park" sometime last week.

Ms. Dubbella is not giving interviews at this time.

 

 

auntiedubby at 5:06:55 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 23 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

VACATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiOOOOOOOOOOON?......

...............(in the same tone as "nooooooooooooo mooooooooore wiiiiiiire haaangers"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ms. Gussy Dubella was spotted stepping outside jail today.

Ms. Dubella was then seen boarding a jet plane.

auntiedubby at 12:53:02 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 18 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Most fun things come to an end at some point.

By now, most of you that visit here know that Aunt Dubby is a fictional character. I think that when I get old and cranky I will most likely be a lot like Aunt Dubby. If I am half as fiesty as she is, then I will consider myself lucky.

Aunt Dubby has been a blast to have around...unfortunately, I don't have the time to keep up with her the way I want to. I have decided to put Aunt Dubby's Green Couch in a storage unit somewhere and send Aunt Dubby to the Caribbean on a long vacation.

I will miss Aunt Dubby, however I think she will have more fun in the Caribbean drinking rum with some young stud, then sitting here waiting on me to check in on her.

Thanks to everyone that came to visit Aunt Dubby. You entertained her more than she did you...so many of you sent things that created all kinds of giggles...it was a BLAST!!

Love,

E and Aunt Dubby

 

 

 

auntiedubby at 10:10:38 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 20 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

 

 

The Local Gazette, Headlines, May26, 2005

 

VFW Facing Closure

Today investigators served notice of a temporary closure of the local VFW.  Numerous kitchen and facilities inspections repeatedly failed to meet standards.  The workers blame it mostly on the antics of one Ms. G. Dubella otherwise known as Dubby. The debauchery is too lengthy to list in detail, however the distractions from duties are blamed on having too much fun. Workers report being forced to drink beer and do shots, as well as play darts at the insistence of Ms. Dubby. Investigators also report Ms. Dubby offering bribbery at the final failed inspection of the VFW. When local police went to question Ms. Dubby she had slipped out the back door. It was said she could be found on the Ugly Green Couch, but thus far the suspect has not been located. Staff have been laid off pending reopening.

Also, last week there was a report of a scuffle between Ms. Dubby and one Myrtle Brown. The brawl was said to be over a man, and workers as well as patrons of the VFW were betting illegally on who would win.That has yet to be determined. One staff member commented, "That Myrtle woman choked on her chicken leg! There's nothing more to the story." 

 

 

 

 

*Update from Myrtle:           

 

Miss Myrtle Brown>>>>              

 

It's true. Aunt Dubby is on the lam. The Green Couch is empty. I have it on good authority that she has runoff to Bermuda, but it could just as well be Wyoming for all I know.

I will keep you posted when further updates allow.

auntiedubby at 3:48:36 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Well this is a first. I actually kept my mammogram appointment today.

I was met with, "Hi! I'm  Georgia!"   The perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown."

"Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Georgia, try decaf. This ain't rocket science, Dearie."

Georgia skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a dernt man invented this danged machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything  nice....it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and twisted  over a  cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.  

With the right side finished, Georgia flipped me (literally) to  the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and  lean in a tad so we can get everything?"   

"Fine".. I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!   Complete darkness and the power went off! 

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working on it... Bet they hit a snag." Georgia headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?"
  
Georgia kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll berighttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO, get back here missy!" she disappeared.  

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!  

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness  as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Georgia breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and  making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am  soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........

 

*As told by that mean old Myrtle..who knows if it's true..however, what is true is that I wouldn't have waited two hours to get my revenge on that clip-board-carrying-booby squeezing-in-the-name-of-medicine whippersnapper!! There would've been a swift kick in the sit-down before Bubba could spell EARL!

 

auntiedubby at 2:35:18 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

The summer is fast approaching. Aside from playing darts and drinking beer with my girls at the local VFW, I like to read. I have compiled a list of books I plan on getting from the bookmobile when it rolls into town. Since I have better things to do than to sit on my arse and read big fat novels all damn day long while my hemorrhoids  expand and take on a life of their own, I have chosen some of the quickest books to read. Hell, I don't have time to waste.

 

 

French War Heros by Jacques Chirac

How I Served My Country by Jane Fonda

My Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

How To Build Your Own Airplane by John Denver

My Super Bowl Highlights by Dan Marino

Things I love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Little Book Of Personal Hygeine by Osama Bin Laden

Things I Cannot Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

Amelia Earharts's Guide to the Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Detroit: A Travel Guide

A Collection Of Motivational Speeches by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Guide To Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson

Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

The Amish Phone Directory

My Plan To Find The Real Killers by O.J. Simpson

Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy

And lastly the shortest book ever:

My Book of Morals by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

 

That's a mighty long list. I hope my friggin' eyes can take it. However, you know what they say:

THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING...............to waste.

I read all the time and look at me!

Well enough of this B.S. I am off to the VFW. Senior Citizen's happy hour starts at noon. I'm feeling a little frisky. If I'm going to be finding myself swooning in the afterglow of Edgar by two o'clock I better get going. I can't let Myrtle and her new unmentionables from the Victoria's Not So Secret catalogue beat me to it. The selection of men one has to spend any kind of quality time with these days is getting smaller by the second. Edgar is a load of fun. Some of the things we like to do are: (I have rated them in order)

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

Edgar is mine and that old Myrtle is a fiesty pistol!

We'll see.

Happy Hump Day.

 

 

 

auntiedubby at 1:21:17 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 13 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Dear Aunt Dubby,

If we humans were meant to procreate, why is it that childbirth is so painful?

 

Sincerely,

Valerie

 

 

Dear Valerie,

Answering these letters is also painful, can I get a little gas and air for that?...probably not, but that's where bourbon comes in Dear. Anyway, until modern day drugs and hospital T.V. distractions, the pain was meant as a deterrent to ward off temptation to have too many of the little whippersnappers....you don't say how old your child is, however I will warn you the real pain begins after the child turns.. say, ten.... maybe sooner....and there are no drugs for that...

Cheers Dear!

 

p.s. Happy Mother's Day

Aunt Dubby

auntiedubby at 4:17:27 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 11 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Dear Aunt Dubby,

Do you like detective stories? I have one for you so pay close attention.

Three old ladies, er elderly women were excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggled a bottle of bourbon into the ball park. The game was real exciting.The ladies were enjoying themselves immensely, mixing Jack Daniels with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Huh?

Think!

Think some more!

You're gonna loooove it!

Okay, ready?

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!!

Heh!

If you really like this one, I have more where that comes from.

Gotta run I have a biology test to study for.

Later.

 

 

Ryan

 

 

Dear Ryan,

 

My, my but aren't you a charming one? Yes, thankfully I enjoy detective stories, even at my old crusty age. Yes, Dear...yes indeedy...listen be an even bigger dear and send Aunt Dubby your last name and address. I would like to personally deliver you a plate of homemade cookies. In the meanwhile, why don't you think about joining the CIA.  They need you. Never too young to start Dear.

 

Aunt Dubby

auntiedubby at 11:32:22 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 12 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Dear Aunt Dubby,

I have a story for you. I have children and I am sure you having your own, although grown, can appreciate the humor in this. I heard it from someone who heard it from someone else, so I can't take credit for it, but I thought it was right up your alley. 

 

A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother had a fit, telling her not to even think about going out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Gramma. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and so out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager is about to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that this is not appropriate...

The grandmother then says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging roses."

 

Har!....Ok...speaking of roses I have some gardening to do.

Love,

 

Tanya

 

 

Dear Tanya,

 

Thank you for taking time away from your rose garden and sharing. I remember the hanging roses stage myself. Now at my age I have moved to the "dried" roses stage. That's what happens when roses age and are left to hang upside down for prolonged periods of time. For-the-love-of-Canasta!...thank goodness old age enables one to focus on more important things like free breakfast at Denny's on your birthday, sales on Pepto Bismal and Preparation H. and making sure you have clean unmentionables to wear on Bingo night.

 

Bettie Davis said it best "Old age is no place for sissies."

 

 

Aunt Dubby

 

auntiedubby at 7:27:16 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 11 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Dear Aunt Dubby,

 

Are you still around?

 

Anyway~ My hubby's feet stink. What do you suggest?

 

Dela

 

Dear Dela,

 

.......a bath?

 

Please Dear....Aunt Dubby

 

auntiedubby at 12:51:37 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 18 comments: Show Recent | Add your own