Don't Score Too Quickly

12:47:04 AM EDT Lent started a bit early in South Bend today. The National Championship and the Heisman went poof.

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12:31:25 PM EDT Has ever a team opened the season is such disarray as the Oakland Raiders did on Monday? Probably. History is filled with really lousy performances, that are often forgotten in the deluge of media superlatives that flow in the present. Still, the Raiders looked atrocious, and had not Head Coach/Guru/Man of the People Marty Schottenheimer sat on the ball for most of the game, the 27-0 would have been much more lopsided.

But I didn't come here today to bury the Raiders; I came here to laugh at them and their fans. I can't stand people who use a football game as an excuse to put on their Halloween costume. I especially want to fuck up that Darth Vader dude in the Black Hole that gets on TV all the time. Hey, Shit for Brains, Darth Vader could never win the big game (he had Skywalker on the ropes three different times and couldn't finish the deal -- and that is just the first three movies that covered his adult life), plus he became a sissy action figure. Bad men don't sell their likenesses so dolls can be made in their image. Bad men don't wear capes to football games; bad men step on other capes of other rumored tough guys. Darth Vader is about is intimidating as a ride at Lego Land. Batman would have kicked Darth Vader's ass, so find yourself another role model to emulate.

That isn't to say there are not some real bad asses in the Black Hole; there certainly are. However, anyone who wears their high school football shoulder pads to look buff probably squats when he pees. And for all you Mad Max wannabes in the Hole? Let me remind you that soft rock pussy Phil Collins dressed just like you in one of his videos. Yes, you look like fucking Phil Collins.

An a football note, has Art Shell ever heard of the shotgun formation? When your QBs reach double digits in sacks, perhaps a formation that buys him some more time is in order. And how about a few passes to La Mont Jordan out of the backfield?

The good news is with the Raiders in the league, the Browns won't start 0-4.

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2:04:28 PM EDT The Browns' season officially ended on the first play from scrimmage on Sunday when Charlie Frye hit Braylon Edwards for a 74 yard touchdown pass that was nullified by a holding penalty. In fact, the play is a perfect metaphor for Brownsv2.0 --- an euphoria based on a falsehood that is quicky shattered by reality. Lerner's Browns are one of the most incompetent orgainizations in sports, a fact that is often overlooked because they haven't been around very long, and nobody gives a shit about them outside of Cleveland.

The Brownsv2.0 are the Peanuts' character Pig Pen, forever surrounded by a cloud of doom. This year, their big free agent signing that was to shore the putird offensive line suffers a season ending injury on the first day of practice, then the possessio nreceiver the Browns gave way too much money breaks his ribs on his first catch, and the play is called back for holding. Last year's numberone pick, Edwards, admitted after the game that he was gassed when the game started because he was celebrating too hard before the game began. Moron.

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3:37:22 PM EDT Bill Cowher's Steelers are in danger of becoming the NFL's version of the New York Yankees. The NFL is supposed to abhor dynasties, but the Cowher's Steelers didn't seem to get he memo. Sure, Lockjaw's boys only have one ring, so they aren't quite a dynasty yet, but if they keep winning games, the rest of the country will despise them as they despise Yankees.

I don't the poor, fragile Steelers' fans can handle that type of trip. Deep down, Steelers' fans want acceptance. Why do you think their women open beer bottles with their remaining teeth? People from Pittsburgh want the nation to say, "You know what? You live in a fair city, and you didn't make a mistake by not moving away when you had the chance. We love that thing atop the art museum." Like most underdeveloped cities experiencing frustrated growth, Steelers' fans mistakenly think their football team is a representation of their lives. Of course, that is silly; the Steelers are successful while many of their fans are not. However, there is no doubt like in other cities, the team's identity is intertwined with those who love there.

Recently, Pittsburgh's mayor, Bob O' Conner, passed away suddenly. Last night, after a moment of silence, his son was waving a Terrible Towel at the Steelers game, sending 60,000 people into a frenzy -- not a bad send off for the deceased. Supposedly, the mayor is going to be buried with a Terrible Towel, which sounds downright paganistic for a Catholic. Thou shall not have false idols, Bob. People were tail gaiting in honor of the mayor, which I suppose is rather awesome reflection on the man's life, but Good Christ, that seems morbid.

I suppose I refuse to relate because the Browns offer nothing but heartbreak. When it is my father's time, I will make sure that nothing resembling the Browns is remotely neat his casket. The Browns let him down enough in this life; they sure as hell aren't going to be allowed to do it in the next. If I were to do something asinine like bark like the Dawg Pound at his wake, his cold finger would rise from the casket and grab my testicles. But I digress; I just think it is very creepy to take your sports laundry to the afterworld. I would like to think that when we die, we do to a place where things like Nick Saban's pouting is not important.

Saban is one of the easiest coaches to poke fun at because he takes himself way too seriously. Nick is an extremely snarky bastard who walks around as if he is bitter because he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.You coach football, asshole. Lives are not in the balance when you make the scene. The most stressful part of your day is when you have to answer a dumb question from a reporter.

So last night the game is on the line, and Snarky Nick pulls a passive aggressive dickhead move with his challenge flag, as if he could show up the officials by throwing it at the last possible second. Perhaps if Nick had spent less time composing his sneer, his challenge would have been noticed. Instead, he created a scenario which he can whine about until his next blunder, which should occur in Week Two.

If Opening Night is any indication, not much has changed in the NFL. The Steelers still are going to keep on winning while Nick Saban is still an ass hat.

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7:18:35 PM EST This is the Official Police Blotter seasin for the NFL, meaning that the only real football news happens when an NFL player gets arrested. Not much is going on in that front, which leaves us with baseball talk.

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11:40:47 AM EST

>>>I am surprised I am wasting my time responding to it.<<

I'm not. You fancy yourself a champion of justice for your team. Dipshits like yourself fly around the cyberspace in your symbolic cape, looking for wrongs to right.

>>>No champions were born of Super Bowl XL???<<<

Do you often have to repeat things to yourself to understand the point?

>>>The Steelers battled their way through the top 3 seeds of the AFC (All of which would have smoked the Seahawks in the Super Bowl) without a weeks rest since the beginning of the season. <<<

A red herring in regards to the game. They played like absolute shit in the big game, and only won because the other team was even more incompetent than they.

>>>Even with a rookie QB playing in a game that that has unnerved seasoned veterns, they kept their composure and won the game.<<<

They didn't keep their composure; they played like scared mongoloids. They won because the other team had even less composure.

>>>As for lackluster, how about this for size?  Longest ever run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history for a touchdown. <<<

It was piss poor defense -- a complete break down in assignments.Very few will remember that play past the preseason next year. The fact that presenting that play as your *showpiece* illustrates how fucking boring the game was.

>>> First ever touchdown pass by a wide receiver. <<<

Which was a better pass than the Pittsburgh QB threw all game. Another example of how bad the game was, and another example of how inept Seattle was.

>>As for officiating, give me a break. <<

No.

>>>Its the last refuge of a losing team.<<

Yes, it is. Perhaps if you could read for understanding, you would be able to realize that I said that. " Seattle can't blame the losses on the officicials because they played poorly, and most importantly, could not manage the clock at the end of either half." That being said, the officiating was atrocious, another example of why the game was such a goat fuck.

>>>Where was the Seahawks coach after the game?? I didnt see him come and shake hands with the winning coach<<<

You probably don't see a great deal of things. Holgrem was probably stuffing his fat face after the game, trying to remove the feces taste. I really didn't spend much time thinking about where the Seahawks' head coach was after the game.

>>>Maybe this year they will accept his resignation.<<<

Would that make you happy? Would it make your Super Bowl experience complete, Captain Crusader? Hip, hip, hooray!

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11:03:00 PM EST The Super Bowl is supposed to define a champion. Super Bowl Forty (which no is no longer worthy of Roman Numerals) produces no champion, just a game winner. The game resembled a very old man geeked on Viagra -- as soon as 3/4 mast was reached, biology defeated modern medicine with flacccid results. Neither team could sustain much of anything on offense , despite some shoddy defense. In the end, no champion emerged from Detroit (another apt metaphor for the city), and the geezers performing the halftime show mirrored the game. Congrats to the Steelers, but this ring should have an asterik. Plus, the NFL should investigate the officials to see if they are in the bookies' pocket. Seattle can't blame the losses on the officials because they played poorly, and most importantly, could not manage the clock at the end of either half.

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1:06:17 AM EST I suppose it is time to talk about that football game being played on Sunday in Detroit between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks. I don't really have a feel for the game other than Browns' fans are destined to suffer, so a Steelers' victory is probably imminent. The Steelers certainly feel like a team of destiny while the Seahawks feel like an enigma this week. From the clouds of mystery one of two Seahawks' teams could come to play: a menacing team that destroys the Steelers with precision and strength, or a bumbling collection of Keystone Cops can't do anything right.

Make no mistake; this is not going to be a close game. One team is going to embarrass the other team in a fashion that would make the Bill Walsh Niners proud. Since it is the time of the week when shrewd minds are supposed to cal the game, I am going to say the Steelers are the team that will march out of Detroit with that phallic trophy that signifies a champion.

Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward will rule the day, hooking up all damn day as the Seahawks ask themselves just what the hell did they sign up for. When Ward needs a breather from running through the Seahawk's tattered secondary, Antwaan Randle EL will pick up the slack Jerome Bettis will get a couple of end zone dives so the announcers can tell us even more stories about Bettis being from Detroit. Willie Parker will rush enough to keep the Seahawks honest, and the game will be decided by half time.

Keith Richards will die during the half-time show, but no one will know until the fourth quarter. Some roadie will just haul his carcass off the stage, and the crowd will think it is part of the act and go wild. Other than that, just another normal half time show, sans Janet Jackson's tit. It is a sad day for rock 'n roll when its original bad boys are hired to ensure nothing embarrassing happens during the show.

Sometime during the third quarter, Mike Holgrem will request Matt Hasselback to begin performing liposuction on Holgrem's enormous back. Hasselback will politely decline, demurring that he is not a surgeon and Holgrem will snap, "You aren't much of a quarterback either. You're making my intestines bleed, you might was well start on the back. Kill me now, you fucker. Kill me now."

In the fourth quarter, the residents of Detroit will begin burning their city, claiming Bettis as their own. Matt Millen will be thrown onto a burning police car. The fire fighters will let his carcass burn for three days, giving Ron Artest fresh material for his rapping career. Meanwhile, the Steelers will keep scoring points.

Final Score

Steelers 45 Seahawks 17

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3:21:13 PM EST Why hasn't PETA planned demonstrations in Detroit this week? After all, Detroit was founded by fur traders who specialized in killing the fuzzy wuzzy beaver. PETA could argue that the sad state of Detroit was karma's way of evening out things. However, PETA is too chickenshit to travel to Detroit in the winter. Synthetic clothing just isn't as warm as good old fashioned animal pelts.

It seems as if this year it has become taboo to bag on the host city of the Super Bowl. Since everyone knows Detroit is one of America's largest shitholes, people have been politely declining to make fun of it, as if they would be smacking a special needs kid on a little yellow school bus. The city was spared during the All Star Game, and now it is being spared during the Super Bowl.What type of pussified politically correct culture have we become if we can't rip on Detroit, Michigan?

Look, when the Lions plated in the Silverdome, the team should have been re-named the Detroit White Flights. Sure, the story line is that the Silverdome was built because a bunch of football players lost their shoes in the mud during a late season game, and the shoes couldn't be found until next spring. What an apt metaphor for the city of Detroit. People are still digging through the mud to find what the politicians and corporations have stolen from them for decades. However, the Silverdome was built in Pontiac so the white man didn't have to drive to the ghetto to watch the NFL.

A few decades later, urban renewal became hip as the jerk off sixties generation had grown into material consuming locusts with an insatiable lust to own more than their parents ever did. Once their houses were full of electronics, they still felt empty because they didn't have their parents memories of a glorious urban past. The solution was simple; refurbish downtown areas to drive to like an amusement park, and presto, urban renewal grew legs.

Detroit bought the urban renewal myth hook, line, and sinker, mainly because the heavy construction equipment would bulldoze new barricades to keep blight out of the suburbs and in the city where it belonged. Plus, the prairie was threatening to reclaim long abandoned industrial areas, and if that happened, it would be just a matter of time before there was another Indian problem. So up went things like corporate office buildings and stadia while the infrastructure was ignored. The same story played out across the land, even in Indianapolis, a city that never really had "urban structure" before, just a large lot of land where the corn and beans were processed.

Soon the urban renewal yo-yo's realized that just bulldozing blighted areas is akin to spray painting a mud puddle. The scenery doesn't change much; you are just left with a toxic film on your puddle. So now Detroit has embraced a new grass roots urban rebirth plan which is supposed to have better results than the corporate urban renewal. Oxymorons aside, this plan might be a better magic trick than a corporation pulling a stadium out of the tax payer's ass, but any long range success is doubtful. This is, after all, is the city that burns itself down after sports championships and every Halloween.

There is an important lesson to be learned from Detroit; the lesson of what happens when large corporations are allowed to corrupt local politics for personal gain and to keep down the oppressed to better regulate their work force. This lesson will go unnoticed this weekend as bitter debates will rage about whom double dipped in the guacamole.

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2:47:32 PM EST One of the greatest things about this country is a little thing known as Freedom of The Press. I am going to forego a history lesson here, but trust me, the Freedom of the Press is great --- except during the week before the Super Bowl. It is only Tuesday of Super Bowl week, and I can't watch television anymore. How much time was spent of that Seahawks fender bender? Good Lord, the media acted as if the SUV flipped fourteen times like Eddie Murphy's prison bus in 48 Hours II. A slow moving tank hit a gate. Big deal.

Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Why is that a media story?  Why not focus on what Detroit is famous for, like pizza delivery men? Detroit revolutionized pizza delivery during bitter turf wars between Domino's and Little Caesar's. Now the rest of the country can get a shitty pie in less than thirty minutes, but the shamefully media ignores this.

Ignorant sports writers like Skip Bayless are lamenting that the Super Bowl lacks star players. Never mind the league MVP and rushing leader is playing in the game. The guy only set the record for most TDs in a season. Had he made an ass out of himself through shameless self promotion or been arrested, the scribes would have had their star player.

Why does Seattle receive grief because of coffee? Pittsburgh only offers a supply of Waffle House short order cooks and waitresses who transplant themselves to work in Waffle Houses throughout the land. What is preferred, coffee prepared by Starbucks or an Appalachian far from home? Waffle Houses don't have Wi-Fi.

Can someone buy Brett Farve a razor? Or did he lose a bet with Jaime Mottram? Why is Brett Farve still news?

Fat football players are more likely to die young than other athletes. Wow, there is a surprise. I thought 300 pound people live forever, especially if they eat three steaks per meal.

How long until pitchers and catchers report?



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