Many Go; Few Understand

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 Some of my more perverted readers recently illustrated that their minds are firmly entrenched in the gutter when they decided to share their “naughty” baseball terms like the high hard one, up an in, chin music, going the other way with an inside pitch, backdoor slider, and back handed plays deep in the hole. Of course these two derelicts barely scratched the surface of terms that would raise the ire of the wing nut freaks who find filth in everything but their own commode. However, rather than exploring all the baseball idioms like cunny thumb, balls fully clogged, and Merkle’s Boner that sound dirty, but really are not, I would like to focus on one term that I believe should be fully integrated into American mainstream culture. “Boning your bat” should be a staple in communications.

American should bone their bats more often. Rubbing one’s Louisville slugger with the femur bones of a cow is a good way to relieve pent up anxieties. Also known as bone rubbing, this procedure closes the pores of the wood, making it harder. Lord knows, that in these troubled times, America needs more hard wood.

While making our wood harder is an admirable goal, our primary objective should be to ensure the phrase is incorporated into our conversations to bring vibrancy to our oral traditions”

“The wife and I are going to bone the bat tonight after “American Idol, which sure beats the Beaver Shooting on Fox after Idol.”

“My hunting buddies and I bone our bats in our lodge after we unwind with a few stiff bourbons from a hard day of killing helpless animals that just wat to procreate their species to the brink of starvation.”

“That Jennifer Lopez is a ‘ho. That’s the fourth bat she’s boned this week.”

“Aaron Boone is so worthless that no amount of boning his bat would help his game.”

What many of my readers do not know is that I almost entitled this blog, “Boning My Bat”, but went with the religious allusion instead. Who knows what would have happened had I chosen the path less taken. Perhaps I would have been on “Good Morning America” already. After all, it is never too early in the say to bone your bat, and a little boning before breakfast is always a good thing.

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This entry has 1 comments: (Add your own)

• #1 Comment from arranwen1 
  5/11/05 8:36 PM | Permalink

  I'm just wondering if the etiquette allows for boning a bat other than one's own. I saw Mike Piazza bone Carlos Beltran's bat three times. Then he had a cigarette.