The Mental Ward

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 12:55:17 GMT

Problem:
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. Grain at $7.00 a bushel.

Solution:
Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.

Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Should go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 23:13:05 GMT

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:24:05 GMT

. . Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like me to solve today?

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:59:26 GMT

Just a light side to a drab Tuesday

ETHICS.......................

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head say: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering....

"John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard."

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:15:24 GMT

" Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword....And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded with patriotism, will offer up all their rights unto the leader, and gladly so."

William Shakespeare

Is it not still so? I'm afraid it is, and that's a shame.

THE WOODEN BOWL

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:20:37 GMT

THE WOODEN BOWL

A
frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and
four-year -old
grandson.

The
old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step
faltered.

The
family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky
hands and

failing
sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When
he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son
and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do
something about father,' said the son.

'I've
had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There,
Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since
Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden
bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,
sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still,
the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he
dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched
it all in silence.

One
evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood
scraps on the floor.

He
asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy
responded,

'Oh,
I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I
grow up.
' The four-year-old smiled and went back to
work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were
speechless.

Then
tears started to stream down their cheeks.

Though
no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That
evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led
him back to the family table.

For
the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for
some reason,

neither
husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk
spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 01:47:25 GMT

****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:16:55 GMT

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
Have
a nice day

Fri, 23 May 2008 18:25:40 GMT

What is good news?........ It's having a whole body bone scan and finding out you have arthritis is your hands, wrists, feet and elbows but that you aren't dyeing of some bone cancer. Good news is feeling the pains of age and not something to totally mess up your life.

Sun, 18 May 2008 14:34:15 GMT

I've learned.... That the more you seek happiness, the harder it is to find. Let it come naturally, Just keep an open heart.