Beth Gwinn's daily thoughts

8:36:06 AM EDT
Feeling Ecstatic
The last of the Friday night dance images and the start of the Friday morning stuff.  Well, yesterday I volunteered at the library and then picked up my New York friend and took her to the doctor.  I sat in the waiting area with a magazine this time.  Came back here and did little else.  Walked a bit and got some things e-mailed out.  That was about it.  I found another game on line that I liked.  It took me awhile to get use to it and in the short trail verison of it I got I never completely beat it.  So that was my yesterday.  I have an idea of something I want to do. I know it is probably a crazy one but that's ok.  We live in a world with craziness in it.  So I think it's find to be part of that.  
The weather is getting colder.  This house that I thought was so well insulated isn't so well insulated in the winter.  I know if I put curtains on the windows that it would help but I don't like curtains at this point in my life.  I'm tried of being the victim at least that's how it feels.  I need to figure out how I can grab life by the horns again but not in the same way I did when I was young.  I need to figure out a way to do it as an older person.  I don't care if I'm skiny that isn't important to me.  What's important is to be happy and I'm not there right now.  I have to be at the house between 8 and noon today because comcast is coming to set up for wireless internet.  Then I get sit in the bed and go online.  Not a big thing but it will make life a little easier.
Many days I feel lost and that is about it.  I feel like I'm going nowhere and all I'm doing is losing clients left and right.  So what do I do to combat this?  Put together a new portfolio and go after it.  In photography you can make more money that working a low paying job.  Maybe I can mix the two a little.  That would be nice.  

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9:13:11 AM EDT
Feeling Angry
Looks like it's going to be a bueatiful day.  I got all my Halloween cards sent yesterday.  I only had one thing up all day that was to have lunch with an old friend.  So we went to a place not far, that I had been meaning to try out but hadn't.  It was kind of a soul food place.  Very much, a meat and three at least I got three.  Interesting to see what it was like.  Very much a local place.  The food was ok, not great but it might made a fun lunch place.  The rest of the day I did little to nothing.  I just didn't want to.  I went to a movie but I left it quickly.  I wanted something funny and lite and this wasn't either to me.  It was called Waiting and it was very fulgar and gross.  Not what I was in the mood for, at all.  Nothing had opened that I thought was worth jumping films for, so I left.  There is a guy in east TN who has been calling me. I gave him my phone number, so it's partly my fault.  I haven't met him but we chatted on line.  I get the impress this man is lonely and looking very for someone to fill his loneliness.  I just don't  know that I can do that.
But I reserve judgement till we meet.  He's lives in a small town, I'm from the big city and not willing to move.  At least I don't think I am.  He would have to be pretty special to get me to move anywhere.   I just doubt people that special exsist in the world.  I find myself at this point in my life doing alot of volunteering.  Working for very little money and barely surviving.  I keep thinking going back to work might help this but you get paid so little.  If I can figure out a way to survive taking photos at least I can charge more.  So we'll see.  
Ok the images this morning are still from the dance at the retreat.  It seems to go on forever here.  But since I don't do much in the way of work to put up here you get what I do.  So today I volunteer at the library and then I have to pick up Pat and take her somewhere.  Tonight I might do the untitled meeting, we'll see.

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8:46:26 AM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
My renter arrived on Sunday and last night was our first chance to really talk.  Interesting woman I think I'll refer to her as the actress in my basement.  She dreams pretty big, we'll see if any of her dreams bear fruit.  To be truthful as long as she is nice, honest, and pays me the rent on time.  Is all I ask. Yesterday I had told some people butting together a documentary that I would get them low res images by Monday.  I forgot this till Monday.  So I spent Monday morning going through all my slides and B&W that I had of this duo.  I had a bunch, that's for sure.  After I went through them then I had to scan them as low res images.
I only got the color done, I never even made it to the B&W, there was so much of it.  I did get the images to them.  The woman e-mailed me back and said that was great.  I hope it was.  I did the florist thing yesterday too.  Did my first delivery.  I drove the florist van to a place not too far away and delivered to an elderly woman.  Told her Happy Halloween.  I find it so strange that I am working part time in a florist.  I mean I like flowers and plants ok.  But I'm not one to make bows in my life, yet here I find myself making bows.  Also doing  cleaning which is something I don't think of myself as very good at but ya know, maybe when I do I am.  Strange, what I'll do for money I quess.
Before I went into the florist I got a call from someone at the democratic party saying they needed volunteers tonight to help with a mailing.  He sounded sorta desperate, like they were having trouble getting anybody to come in.  So I took a sweat shirt to cover up my florist t-shirt with me when I left the house.  I put that on and went and stuffed envelopes, labeled, and stamped.  It was for someone for govenor that I'm not thrilled with.  I use to like him but I felt like he has done some in humanitarian things since he's been in office.  I think he's going to have a hard road to hoe to get elected again.  It all depends on who the republicans have to run against him.  
Then I came home and brought the actress up stairs, let her use my computer.  We had a good talk, so that now I know what her story is.  I like her, I think she's an interesting woman.  I hope she can accomplish her dreams.  They are good ones.  After she went back down stairs, Iwent straight to bed.  No tv, no nothing.  I was tried.  Today I only have a lunch up, so I hope to get a few things done that I've been meaning to do.  

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8:25:31 AM EDT
Feeling Worried
Here in depression central, that's how it feels.  Yesterday I borrowed money just to pay my bills.  This isn't good.  I'm working on a fund rasing plan that involves my church.  We'll see if anything happens.  I need to write an e-mail.  
More images from the retreat Friday night dance.  I like blurs, nothing shows movement in still image like a blur.  I don't think anybody else likes my blurs like I do but that's ok.  It's hard to get the blurs just right where there is enough clarity to see the faces of the people but blurs to show motion.  Actually I need to have people with their faces dark and a strong back light.  That's what you do to get it looking right.  
So the dancing moves on.  
Yesterday I went to church and carried my New York friend to Wild Oats and Walmart.  Then back to my house to change clothes to go to the zoo and the woman who is renting my apartment was there.  She was interesting, that's for sure.  She came with two cats, one that is a young cat, who wants to go outside.  She says she'll be back tonight.  So I met her and talked for a few minutes, then ran upstairs and changed clothes to go to the zoo.
I got there about 20 minutes late and they had a line of people who were volunteering waiting to get their assignments and go in.  I sorta felt out of place, I didn't wear a costume.  At first they put me with two young kids at a button place.  I sat there doing nothing for several minutes then told them I was going for a walk.  So I walked around the zoo.  Many of the animals were out and active cause it was late in the day and getting cooler.  The elephants were out, so were the big cats.  The monkeys and birds seemed to all be in their warm enclosures by the time I got to them.  The red pandas were out, they look like big
raccoony teddy bears.  They are furry.  I got back and sat with the kids, learned that the one who is a senior at McGavock is married and has been so for a year.  That is scary.  She was very young and very innocent.  I don't even her life, I know it is going to be a rough one.  He away in Iraq, so they have been apart for the last 3 months of the marriage.  He will come back a very different person from the one who left.  We'll see if they last beyond much but I will not know because I will not see them.  I just sat there for a few minutes when the woman in charge came and ask who would like to in the monster garage and be a ghost buster.
I volunteered because I was bored setting there.  So I stood with a pail of ghost poop, and told people I was looking for ghost but all I found was the ghost poop.  Most of the adults thought it was funny.  The little bitty kids didn't get it the ones older took one look at my bucket of marshmellows and said those are marshmellows.  So I did that for about an hour or so.  Then the ghost buster guy who had gone to the bathroom returned.  I gave him his bucket back and then went back and told them I was leaving.  They didn't need me, that was obvious.  So I came back and saw the basement woman again.  She was leaving she'd run into a friend at the store,
who overed her a real bed.  I told her I understood.  So I came in and saw the butter and eggs I'd left out to make cookies.  I thought I'd hav time in the afternoon but turned out I didn't.  So I turned on the tv and made cookies watching Desperate Housewives and Crossing Jordan.  Then off to bed.  My New York friend had given me a liquid estrogen that she uses to help her sleep at night.  I tried it last night, I'm not sure if it worked or not.  I woke up in the middle of the night again with a small headache so it didn't effect that.  
This morning I have to scan images.  It's so boreing to scan images.  

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8:47:57 AM EDT
Feeling Worried
More images from the dance last Friday night.  Yesterday was an interesting day.  Because of my migraine the night before I was wiped out yesterday.  My energy was in the basement and having trouble doing anything.  But I got the little pots I needed and made it to my sister's for the garden party.  Her neighbor let me use her potting soil so I didn't have to buy any.  So I came home with a little bag full of stuff.  Now we'll see if I use any of it.  I was suppose to but the fall corcus in the ground yesterday but it didn't happen.  My sister's idea for a garden party is quite fun.  Everybody brings something from there garden or related to their garden, enough for everybody at the party.  Then after having a wonderful brunch we sit down and pass them around.  So I got mums, crocus's both fall and spring, seeds of all kinds, and mix of blubs.  It was fun several of my relatives were there.  
I left with a big bag of stuff.  In the afternoon I went and volunteered at the library.  That was fun I helped in children's with the little bitty kids.  There was a woman there who was the program and I helped her.  Mostly by helping her to pick up afterwards.  Little bitty kids I just can't do it, I just don't know what to do with them.  I held the woman who owns the florist I'm doing parttime at's baby for her and we just basically stood there and looked at one another.  Children that small I just don't know how to play with I guess.  I do feel like I've lost that, playing is something I do on a computer or with adult friends.  I think I lost simple play with little ones.  Once they but me in the toddler room at church and I just didn't know what to do.  They were sweet little kids but I just had no idea.  Well, I know I've said this before but I think I have a renter, I think.  She gets to town today.  So we'll see if she takes it.
Last night I did a Halloween party it was amazing.  What was amazing about it was the way this guy had fixed up his home.  It was covered in Halloween.  Outside he had assembled this huge spiderweb with little lit things all over the yard.  The side and back yard had a graveyard in it.  The very back yard had a firepit dug into it.  So that there was a bond fire also.  The interior of the house had two small halloween villages in one corner.  The tv played a loop of old horror movie trailers.  He had two glass cases full of halloween stuff.  It was amazing.  The deck had only a disimbodied hand that danced around.  The steps up to the deck had lighted stuff all up them.  The basement walls were coverd in Halloween designed blankets.  With body parts hanging from the ceiling and the band was in the corner.  Before the party the band leader had sent out an e-mail asking for request to play at the party.  So it was quite an interesting mix of songs.  Then my friend the dollmaker showed up with her daughter and I stund around and talked to her, got the low down on what was happening in her life.  We stood by the bondfire for awhile, I met some people, who I'd never met before.  I got the impression that this group of people had been partying together for years.  
I knew enough people to get by see fimiliar faces in the crowd but most of the people I had no clue who they were.  They seemed to be a fun group.  I took lots photos, just for fun.  I volunteer at the zoo this afternoon and if I have time I'll make the cookies I'm sending to my college friend in upstate New York.  So it's a busy Sunday too.

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9:11:25 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet
I had a migraine last night and it was a bad one.  Lately I've having little headaches at night that I wake up with take an asprin and go back to sleep this was not one of those.  This one I had to take the imitrax my sister gave me and still it didn't completely go away.  Then it came back and I took the excedrin migraine stuff.  It all sticks together in the bottum of the plastic jar and I can't get it out.  I use to a knife to cut the pills from each other.  At night with a migraine this is not an easy thing to do.  I learned that one of the good things about a garbage disposal is that you can throw up in it and it will just make it all go away and you don't have to bend over as far as you do with the toliet.  It was not fun, my brain still feels a little numb.  Yesterday I worked again at the Florist.  It was different from the first day I worked there.  I was there with the owner and her baby.  So I got to change out the sign out front.  First time I'd done that, it was a lesson in frustration but still doing it till you got it done.  What a pain.  Then I just answered the phone and made bows till she had me mop the floor.  That was the first time I think I'd mopped someone elses floor before.  I learned when I do it for others I'm not as picky as I am at my own house when I do it here.  Especially at a new location when I'm not sure what is a permenant stain on the floor and what isn't.  The owner was really nice.  She said she'd recommend me for weddings.  I need to get her some business cards.  I think they like me because I show up on time and I work.  I could tell anybody I'd do that.  I haven't heard from the kennel place it was so far out of town.  After World Fantasy I have to go sign up at ManPower and see if I can get some better paying temporary work.  I don't mind the florist it just pays so little.  I don't know if my gas will be paid for the work I'm doing there.  To start out with it will be the same at the kennel.  It' so far out and I doubt they will start me out at a high payment even if they promise me that eventaully.  I hate being poor, maybe I should go sign up for food stamps.  I've done any type of government assistance but if it would help me to pay my bills maybe I should.  
More images from the dance at the retreat.  The people who stayed on the side lines are the ones sitting on the benches to the sides.  It was a fun dance I did the last dance the circle dance but there are no photos of that dance because I was the one doing it.  I like playing with blurs they give motion to an image that you just can't get otherwise.  Today I'm suppose to go to my sister's garden party that starts at 11 so I need to get moving if I'm doing that.  This afternoon I'm going to the library to volunteer there then I have an invite to a halloween party tonight.  A busy Saturday that's for sure.  So I'm off to take a shower and wash my hair and try to make the garden party.  

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7:50:07 AM EDT
Feeling Loopy
Yesterday I began working at a florist.  It isn't paying hardly anything but it is interesting at least so far it is.  I met the young woman who place I'm taking on Monday's, Thursdays, and Fridays.  I can't say I'll stay there long but I'm going to give it a try for a few days.  I learned about taking orders and helping people at the counter.  They only had one customer come in while I was there.  He was buying red roses for his love, it was very sweet.  I answered the phone once that it was an actual order.  I feel like a kid in high school the young woman who I'm working with I bet on finished high school a few years ago.  The work isn't hard it's just busy work and not that difficult.  It is interesting that I undestand certain aspects of the business because of my business.  So that is kind of interesting what translates over.
Before I went to the florist I worked on getting the house cleaned up.  Tonight I have dinners for nine at my house, so I have to get it in shape.  I also have to cook something and I have to be at the florist between 2:30 and 5:30.  So I need to have everything ready to go soon as I get back here.  I plan to go to the store this morning, I hope they open early.  It's almost 7 now and it's still dark outside.  Fall is here, we haven't had our first frost yet but the trees are turning.  
Ok, the images up are from the dance the first night of the retreat.  It was fun.  We had two people teaching and a caller, who called out the dance moves much like square danceing.  I'm considering find out how much the classes cost to do the danceing.  I think I'd enjoy it.  At the retreat I feel an obligation to take photos so I find it hard to dance with a camera.  It was a fun retreat.  I'm glad it's over.  The older I get the more I want to sleep in my own bed.  

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7:21:33 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Photos of the retreat begins.   Yes these are images from this past weekend.  We are up to current events now.  I hope to get a few days out images out of the retreat, so expect to see if for awhile. People hanging out and having fun.  That's about it.   It was a good retreat I thought.  There were a few problems but they were few.  All the images here are from the first night, before the dancing began.  The last image is another headshot that I did for a woman for little of nothing.  Last time I agree to do this for Cable this cheap.  Well, I do the retreat for free.  So yesterday I went and applied to work at a very posh dog kennel.  It is in very exclusive part of town and I'd be working with dogs.  Which I must confess, I like the idea.  I like dogs, I've always had a great affinity for dogs.  They would pay me more than working at the Florist would pay.  That is important at this point in my life.  How much I make. I have to make a certain amount just to survive.  How do I do this?  Since my photography isn't doing it.  Is work for the most money I can get.  
I hate having a cold, I hate being sick.  I just don't like it.  I'm lucky in that normally I'm not sick but a cold comes along and knocks me on my butt.  I feel awful but not awful enough to stay in bed.  I get tried of being in bed and just get up.  Nightquil helps for awhile but it runs out around 3 in the morning and I wake up.  I lay there and do nothing until around 6 then I get up and do this.  I might try going back to bed, after I finish.  
My science fiction people project has just gotten wider I think.  I want to do the people that have a love of the genre.  Something more all encompassing than just science fiction.  I want the geeks who grew up on the comic books and the tv shows.  Who were always drawn to the fantasic.  To the stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with this reality.  Finding those people who are famous enough for other people to be interested in them.  That is the key.  It go after the genre is much bigger than just science Fiction.  It's that simple.  

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8:08:02 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Ok, this is the last of the little cuties.  This time they are witches and so cute.  The last two images were shot in the house with my rocking horse.  So I have a cold and feel pretty bad.  I'm not sure how I got this cold but that's what I've got and I have to deal with it.  Today is so busy I need to be up to snuff and I don't feel very up to snuff.  So I might break down and take a flu and cold relief pill.  I try not to take much in the way of medicene I figure if I use it spareingly it will hopefully work for me.  Yeah depression is a problem when you feel like I feel.  There are times and days when I want to go curl up in a corner and just die.  It's so rough out here these days.  I have bills and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay them.  I just don't know.  
All I can do is keep going on but that's hard when there is no money.  I'm almost out of the money from the sale of the house and I haven't rented out the basement apartment yet.  I need to get my act together.  I do.  I know I do and I'm trying but it is hard.  I applied at Fed Ex yesterday to work the early morning shift.  We'll see if that happens or not.  Since I'm not sleeping very good, I figure hard pysical labor would help me to sleep better.  So we'll see.  I go to apply today for another job at a place far away in Franklin.  The gas would kill me but it depends on what the work is the pay.  I start a part time job at a Florist tomorrow.  So I'm making headway that's for sure I just don't know where I'm going.  

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7:36:50 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hello!
These two are so cute!!!  Now they are little faries, adorable.  
Last night I woke up and knew I was coming down with a cold.  I could feel my throat getting sore and my nose start to close up.  I sneezed and knew this was coming.  I've been awake off and on all night long.  So it's a little after 6 and it's still dark and I took Nightqual.  Yes it's morning and I took a night drug. I did this so I can go back to sleep and hopefully it will let me sleep for a little while.  I hate being sick, it is one of my least favorite things to do is be sick.  
Being sick alone has always been the pits.  I think, I go along fine living alone till I'm sick then it's a whole different subject.  I know I'm not deathly ill or anything I just have a miserable cold.  So I"m poor and sick.  NUTS!  I don' t like being either right now.  I'm ready to get a job but nobody wants an older person who hasn't been in the job market for years.  So what do I do?  I don't know.  I just don't know and I especially don't know now that I'm sick.  It's depressing that's for sure.

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