Tracy's Awesome Journal of Awesomeness

Ahhhh, I can't sleep, ahhhhhhhh! That is all...

P.S. I like Joe...a lot.

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Ok, I think enough time has passed that I can gush about the new romance. So let's have the gushing commence! Huzzah!

The story starts Friday (the night before B-day of awesomeness). The gay mexican lover Juan invited me out to visit our friend Tori at her work downtown where she works on a water taxi. I was feeling super spiffy, happy to be single, happy to be almost twenty and just looking forward to hanging out with people that can always bring sunshine and hilarity to my day. Juan picked me up in his sweet ride and we headed into the night. We met Tori on her water taxi and working with her was Joe. I had never met Joe but often heard him mentioned by people I know. I thought he was really cute and seemed really nice the moment we were introduced, but didn't think much of it until Juan and I got off the taxi to go eat delicious pizza of deliciousness. Apparently, my dear Juan had alterior motives for bringing me out. Between him, Tori and Robin (Joe's roommate) there had been a nefarious plan to get us together spanning over my three days of singlehood. Although I thought I had felt some chemistry with Joe in the...uh...two seconds we had met, I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. After all, I had just become content with being back on the market. Juan and I went back on the taxi with Tori and Juan and rode around until their shift ended. Joe and I started talking and holy batman, we clicked like whoa. The conversation just came so effortlessly and there was unbelievable sparkage as Tori and Juan did a happy dance in the corner. We went back to Joe's place afterward (sans Tori, who had to get up early) and basically: more conversation...inching inconspicuously toward each other on the couch...a night of kissing, talking, kissing, talking, sleep, kissing and talking. I've since hung out with him Sunday and had my first official date with him last night, which started at 7pm and ended at 1pm today. I think it was quite possibly the best first date in the history of best first dates. He took me out to dinner and then there was a park overlooking a river glittering with romantical (I'm sure that's a word somewhere in the universe) paths of moonlights and Joe kissing me in a gazebo. I ended up spending the night at his place (get your minds out of the gutter), and it was lots of more kissing and talking and awesomeness etc. We both want to practice cautious optimism as to not screw anything up, but I forsee many good things to come of this...

In other news, after much careful considersation I have decided to switch my major to theatre. I think teaching is a wonderful career, but have realized it just isn't the fit that I thought it would be for me, unlike theatre. I have discovered quite by accident that this acting hobby of mine is not just a hobby anymore. It's truly where my heart is and I only look forward to learning more and pursuing all aspects of this fabulous art. I have never felt more at home with anything than when I am rehearsing, performing or even just reading over a script, and to me that is definetly something worth sticking with.

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Ok, know how I was really bummed out in my last entry? Yeah, that's over. I just had the best birthday in the history of Tracy birthdays ever. Weeeeeeeeeeee...

I am 20 now, which means I get to send my teen years out to pasture and have splendiforous times that people in their 20's do. Whoot! Hoorah! Yay, and the like. I got wonderful presents of wonderfulness today, but more important than that is that I had the most awesome time with so many of the cool cats in my life. I love you guys!

Alex left me a very amicable voicemail today wishing me a happy birthday, and I reciprocated with my own amicable voicemail thanking him for the call. As far as the Alex thing goes, I am completely over it. That is not to say anything against Alex or to detract from the relationship we had. I have no bad feelings toward him; he is a good guy, but obviously just not the right fit romantically for me. Regarding the relationship, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Sure, it hurt at times (especially the end), but if anything I have learned from the experience and come out more mature and confident in myself.

There is something else that may be developing with me concerning the area of romance, but I don't want to delve into it this early on. I will keep you all posted though if/when things develop in that area.

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I broke up with Alex yesterday. I was sick of feeling neglected by him. I was sick of feeling unappreciated. I was sick of feeling like the only one putting any effort into the relationship. I was sick of having to constantly search for ways to justify his behavior. I know that he never meant to intentionally hurt me, but I was hurting regardless. I am not the type of person that cries over anything, and I found myself crying over him every day. When I visited him sunday, I told him exactly what I needed in order for our relationship to work long distance. I explained that I understood that he was very wrapped up in a busy schedule (hey, so am I!), but that I needed him to find two seconds in his day to call and let me know I am appreciated. I also told him that if that wasn't something he could do, he needed to tell me because it would be unfair to both of us to continue with something that was a waste of time. He told me that he wanted to be with me and would work on it. Before I left, he told me that he'd call me the next day just to say "I love you."

He never called.

I decided it would be best to wait until he came home in two weeks to end it--better to do it in person than over the phone. But when I felt the familiar sting of tears around noon yesterday, I couldn't take it. I got his voicemail and left a message telling him I was sorry but it wasn't working out. I was actually surprised when he called me back. The conversation was painful, yes, but it wasn't the horrible breakup that it could have been. We even decided we want to see if we can be friends. I said everything I needed to say. When I asked him if he had anything he wanted to tell me, he just said "I love you." The sucky part is I love him too.

I think what it really boils down to is that Alex is a 19 year old boy who is just not mature enough to handle a relationship at this place in his life (that's not an attack on him, many 19 year old boys aren't). I still love him, and maybe somewhere down the line we will find our way back to each other, but it's not something I can dwell on. Tears and heartbreak is simply not how this chick rolls. I have wonderful people in my life who are here for me, and a lot to be thankful for.

I will get through this. I just need a little time.

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Congestion junction, what's your function? To piss Tracy the frack off! I have a sinus infection, which is the height of unpleasantness. Fortunately, I also have antibiotics and plenty a tea bag to soothe me. Cough, cough, sniffle, sniffle, hack, hack and such...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and Antigone rehearsals have been good times so far. In Antigone, since I'm the queen, I get to be bowed to by a messenger, which is awesome. It's good to be the queen (well, until my character goes off stage to kill herself...)

In other news, my gay mexican lover Juan took me to Double T Diner and insisted on paying for me, which technically makes it a date...which technically means I am having an affair. Ooooh, I feel naughty.

I am going to visit Alex Sunday. It has been almost three weeks since we've seen each other, which is the longest we've gone. I have been doing fairly well with the long distance thing because of happy distractions like friends and rehearsals and other miscellaneous fun hoopla. However, a few days ago I started missing him to a tearful extent. We also hadn't talked on the phone for a while, which added to my frustration. Long story short, I called him, we talked, I sniffled a bit (part sinus infection, part missing him-ness), we laughed and I feel 110% better about things.

Only one week from Saturday I will be kissing my teen years away and will be one step closer to 21. Woot!

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This entry is entitled "Roly Poly" because rhymes like that make me giggle, and also it makes me think of bread dough...scrumptious bread dough...I want pancakes.

Rehearsals have started for You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown. I get progressively more and more excited about playing Snoopy as I hear about what we're going to do with the show--it's going to be frackin' (yes, I said frackin') awesome. Masque has a really good budget this semester, so there's a lot of great stuff we can put into the show set-wise. We have a great director, crew and cast as well, with some newbies in the mix for the roles of Sally, Linus and Shroeder. The newbies are all really cool and sweet and fresh out of high school, which made me feel like a grown-up for once in my life. Up until this point, I have always tended to be the youngest if not among the youngest in any group whether it be with school or friends  or family. I'll be turning 20 on October 1st, and for the first time tonight it really hit me that my teen years are coming to an end.

In other news, I met up with my Big Gay lover Big Gay Nick for a chat after leaving him this spicy text message:

"A lesson in alliteration: Tracy would like to have a taudry, tantric tryst with her hot homosexual husband...I miss you, lover!"

Apparently Nick has gotten a job at a family-owned ice cream shop called "Uncle Wiggly's"....I spent ten minutes laughing uncontrollably at the name "Wiggly's" because I find that name humorous...much like Roly Poly...*giggle*.

Proof is coming out September 23, which rocks my socks because (as mentioned previously) Kelly will be directing the stageplay the movie is based off of for Masque this spring. Whooness! Jake Gyllenhaal is hot like whoa.

Speaking of hot like whoa, I talked to my boyfriend yesterday. I did not get to see him last weekend, nor will I be able to this weekend but I forsee a possible visit the weekend after. Yayness. He is cute and stuff. Love you, sweets!

Weeeeeeee...

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Guess I didn't do as horrendously as I thought at my audition. I got called back yesterday and got cast as Snoopy in You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown! Eeeee! I am mucho excited about this! I get two solos and do plentious dancing for the role, which should equal quite good times. I may also be doubling as the little red-headed girl at the end of the play, which shouldn't be much of a stretch since I am a girl, a red-head and relatively little. I know lots of fantabulous people in the cast of Charlie Brown as well as the cast of Antigone, so I'm forseeing lots of awesomeness ahead this semester.

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So I auditioned for You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown today, feeling quite prepared when it turned out I apparently was not so prepared and long story short my audition was kind of a clusterf*&%k. I messed up my song, didn't realize I should have prepared another song and just was not feeling at my prime whatsoever. Sucks, but c'est la vie. On the positive: had my first cast meeting for Antigone, and apparently a lot of fantabulous people I know are in it, and the play sounds like it's going to be awesome (we're going to have lightning effects and stuff...woot!)

In other news, I visited Alex sunday and didn't have to leave until monday night because of labor day. It was thoroughly good times. I love him and stuff.

Weeeeee...I'm done for the night.

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Greetings lovely readers! Here's the 411...

Sunday Alex and I were reunited after our week apart. Hoorah! We kissed and talked, then kissed and talked, then went out to get his paycheck, then strolled and kissed and talked, then sat down and talked, then kissed again, then talked and kissed some more, then got up and walked, then went back to his house and kissed and...stuff...Alex thought he saw an otter at the side of the highway, but then said it was probably a beaver. That makes sense, since otters live in the pacific and we live on the east coast. Unless, of course, it escaped from the aquarium...hmmm...I will be seeing Alex again this sunday when I go to visit him.

Classes started monday, and so far so good. I auditioned for Antigone (my first time auditioning for a non-Masque show) and got the part of Eurydice, who is the queen of Thebes. Eurydice appears in only one scene, where she learns of her son's death and then goes back into the palace where she commits suicide. It'll be the second time I play a mother who dies (hmmm...)  This is the part I was really hoping for. Since I also am hoping to be in You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown (Masque's show), I'm glad my role in Antigone won't be one that will monopolize a lot of my time, while still giving me some very powerful material to work with and explore as an actress. When I read the play a while back, Eurydice was a character that really stood out to me. Yayness! I am full of excitement and cheerios right now. Mmmm...cheerios...

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I am obsessed with the song Gay Boyfriend by The Hazzards. Thanks to Mort for providing the link. I went clubbing last night with my friend Liz and two of my very own gay boyfriends (Juan from college and Jamell, who is actually an old gay boyfriend from high school who I sorely need to hang out with more). Clubbing was mucho fun times, although I don't really go clubbing often because I enjoy activities that involve conversation and don't leave me deaf and sweaty...and sore (Note to self: just because those heels make your legs look hot, they're not exactly appropriate for a 3-hour block of dancing)

Thanks all for the kind comments on my last entry. Two more days until my non-gay boyfriend comes home for a visit. Yayness! Alex, I miss you, I love you, and I can't wait to see you.

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