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4:29:00 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
A year in the Life
My normal time of taking a look at a year in my life comes around the 3lst of December when I talk about where I've been and where Im going in my journal. David has been living with me for a year so it might be a good time to look at life, (me) us. My year can't be looked at as only one in a relationship. That exact same time period has seen a substantial change in my health which has been as important in the day to day of my life as has having someone around.
I think that I have not made as much progress in moving forward with my 'intestinal fortitude' problem as I could have but Im not sure of that. I have not felt well a lot of the time, my desire to go out to eat, to a play or to socialize at the bar are much less than they were before the past year. Have I changed due to a lack of energy? Yes. How long or permanent is that change, I have no idea. I want to head in a better direction; a more fulfilling direction. At some point I need to look at what I mean by that and what I can do about it. Thinking about changes in my life is not enough. This year as flown by...they will only get faster. Twenty years from now, at age 76 will not be a good time to look back with regrets. I can do better. It will take thought and self discipline.
My relationship with David is hard to put a finger on. The direction of crappy health was not supposed to be an integral part of this. That particular facet also helps me to look at David as a person; sincere, patient, caring and with no real vision for his future. He has not figured out just yet that he must be right for himself before he can be right for anyone else. Pleasing the world is too often his answer for getting along instead of pleasing himself. David seems a bit too good at not looking at the things in his life that are not working. he wears his own set of 'blinders' with which he only sees what he wants to see and much of the rest is shoved aside and ignored. He is not good with money but isnt doing much about that mostly because he makes so little. He has not put the kind of thought into where his life is going that he needs. He has plenty of time to think about a relationship, a career, money management but not forever. He is at that age where these issues need to be dealt with.
After a year away from Scranton and the life of plays and rehersals; life has changed. He needs to take a look at it and ask himself if it has changed for the better and where he wants his life to go from here; has to lose the fear of moving ahead; which he proved he can do by moving here. Living in Boston, in a dead end job cannot be allowed to be the new Scranton. David has to make changes in his life. First, he has to figure out what those changes need to be.
The 'us' of all this remains to be seen. We can get along pretty well, a great deal due to David's patience. We are apart a lot due to the hours of his job. Despite the fact that the new job, he was hoping to get, scared me with the new found hours that we were about to get together, I was looking forward to the opportunity to do more things. The new hours would force us to do new things or admit we were failing at it. We need to move on in our relationship. It may not be the easiest thing to do but my health will have to become just one more part of whom we are. If I am not going to feel a lot better, than I (we) are just going to have to deal with that fact. I dont feel that its partiularly fair to David but it is reality.
Despite being at very different phases of our lives, we are also at the same point. David has to figure out where to go with the main part of his adult life. I have to figure out where to go with the middle/later years of my life. He has to work. I want to work. We need to lead lives that are mine, yours and ours. We are not each others only outlet and should not be. David needs to find a new life, friendships here. He needs to find out who his own social being is right now and into the future. So do I.
We need to talk about that. He mistakes my realtity sometimes for a bad attitude. We need to talk about where we want to go in our future and what we want from that future and from each other. No blinders for either of us are going to work.
Yours, mine and ours.
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Thinking about you ... hope all is well.
*** Coy *** -
Good to hear from you, sounds a little like
me and my David! (you know the whole
blinders and direction thing)
Good luck to both of you and heres sending
wishes for boundless energy your way!
*** Coy ***
http://journals.aol.com/coy1234787/Dancingintherain
9/30/07 6:48 PM
*** Coy ***