The AIDS Diaries or The Last Brontosauras

Next year, I enter my 30th year as a positive man.  Life should be great after making it through all those improbably years for a man of 56.  Am I just a chronic complainer? Damn, I hope not but nothing seems to help me feel like a man of great worth these days.

There are days when one is so edgy and off center that Id like to just climb back into that bed and not get out for a week...and the worst part is when I cant figure out why.  I am just on edge and a mess for no good reason and nothing I do seems to make it better.  Ok, maybe a bright, sunny day would help.  Im trying to get my ticket business working and it isnt doing too bad if I woud work a bit harder. I never worry about trips but im not really looking forward to 7 days in Florida..seems I screwed up the dates to the theme parks to the whole wrong part of the week.  The City sent me a bill for $1900. for taxes on my paper.  I left it 3 years ago and taxes average about 60. a year on my antique furniture.  I can tell city hall doesnt like me anymore.  How fast the ones you supported so strongly forget you when you dont own a newspaper and cant be of big help anymore.  The Mayor seems to have put me out to pasture. 

I should be going to cooking class tonite but just dont want to go.  This has happened to me before when I had classes.  I seem to develop  a mental block and not want to go yet dont want to do anything else either.  Not much of a plan in all that and certainly not a cure to anything.  My garden looks great but that is only one thing.  I talk about looking for a part time job but not sure if I can handle it mentally or with my helath going up and down....or is that just an excuse.

Life could be better.  I dont want to take any of this out on my partner, David, who is just out of the hosptial but Im sure he is getting more than his  share of my not understood frustrations of the moment. Life could be better and I had best stop moaning and get to finding a wway to make it just that.

Send me your advice.  It will be welcome. 

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• #1 Comment from fchgrl 
  5/10/06 9:08 PM | Permalink

  Hi,  I have to admit to being a silent lurker for some time now. Tonight reading your entry just made me shake my head.  You just described the last two years of my life. Not wanting to get out of bed, nothing seems to work right, and the edgyness and not knowing why.
  Well, I can't give you any advice...I am looking for something that will shake me awake again, something that will bring me joy and a sense of peace.
  
  Good luck...and don't apologise for complaining......we all have these days! We are out here to listen and support when we can!  :)
  
  Sue