Something New

Life is life. What else is there to really say.

I feel like I need something else in life, some "thing" to keep me occupied.

Something to keep me moving forward in life and not behind.

Other then books.

Ugh. - ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

We were expecting the rinky dinky little wanna-be Hurricane to come through this morning so Brittany stayed the night. We spent the day today doing little bits of nothing (absolutely a blast) when Brittany decided to play with Nicki's hair, then she decided to play with mine and what followed was a few hours of laughter and silliness between three sisters along with a niece, nephew, and a Mom.

I sometimes forget why I'm happy. It isn't fair to the people around me who do make me happy. I just feel an emptiness (that yes I talk about all the time) at moments.

Who knows, I just know I had fun and I wanted to share pictures.

Brittany was from the 80's, Nicki the 60's, and me of course the 40's.

Hope you enjoy and for those who have my myspace I'll post more later on there.

Brandi

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My heart was pounding as I threw clothes from bed to floor, floor to bed. While I emptied puckets, boxes, went through purses, bags and even a makeup kit. My shoes thumped all over the house as I triped and put a hole in my brand new pantyhose. I stop to think of what crew scheduling will say, my God I only have four more days of probations ... why today!? And then I saw it, the one item I could not live without in this industry ... my badge.

WHEW.

Any flight attendant would understand. Now I'm just waiting for my heart to calm down long enough not to fall down the two flights of stairs before I fly off to Cleveland.

Brandi

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Angel just said "Daddy is pissed off" ... I was too shocked to reprimand her. Although I did mention she should never say that word ... but only after I laughed.

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 (Charly, San Diego Zoo)

So for the most part I like to grab things by the horn and just let people know what I think and feel. After my last entry I realized being upset with my "friend" was effecting me too much. Not wanting to be around a person can bring a mood down completely. I even planned today if I wasn't able to get on a flight home that I would go stay at another friend's house (we've been wanting to have a little "slumber party"). So after my entry I wrote the "friend" a message and sent it to her on myspace (yes I'm a dork like that). Anywho I'm going to post it here (name of course changed) ...

Friend,

I'm going to try and go home tomorrow morning when I get back to Minneapolis. I've already put in for a release the next day. I'm ready to go home, to be completely honest I feel completely out of place when at the crash pad. I'm becoming distant towards you and bitter as well. I've always taken things head on and yet there with you I've just let it fester. I'm a ticking time bomb and trying to avoid explosion. Simply put you've upset me, and while I thought I was over it I'm not. I wanted to be a bigger person and just let things go and just accept our friendship but unless I get this out it will hinder every inch of it for me. I could blame my period for me really being upset but really it's everything hitting me all at once.

For me even when I've had an interest in anyone, or met anyone through another friend I knew that was a line that could not be crossed until it was made completely clear that my friend had no interest. If they had an interest at all at any point I didn't even think of the other person again. Yet twice while in Minneapolis I've met two people (and I've avoided meeting anyone else since) and you've gotten both of their numbers. I thought nothing of it at first because I trusted you. You gave me no reason not to trust you. Then you asked if you could hang out with "guy number two". I was furious. I hadn't given any hint to liking him because I wasn't given the chance to get to know him. As soon as we met your eyes lit up and gushed how cute he was and you decided we should all go to Fridays. You were the conversation holderand wouldn't let anyone else get to know each other. I had no chance to get to know him before you went in and got to know him. I knew the instant you asked for his number that things would go this way. When you said he asked you out he was off my list instantly. Instantly. Because I don't want to be one of two for anyone. I hoped and thought you would do the same. Friends first is what we both said and yet you couldn't manage that. I thought we were over it till you pulled me into the bathroom and asked if it was ok for you two to hang out. I thought I had made it clear to you that it was NOT ok. So instead I said ok. Enjoy yourself. Do what you feel is right.

It's enough to know you and he are going for each other. To hear about it pisses me off. I don't want to hear about the guy I was trying to get to know getting to know you. I don't want to hear about him asking you to be with him. I don't want to be apart of anything you and "guy number two". I want you to be happy but you can't seem to be satisfied. I realize your husband tore you down but that doesn't mean you have to tear yourself down. It doesn't make it ok to make your friends scared to meet anyone. I'm afraid you'll be hurt by this email. Truly I am but it's like a thorn in my side festering and burning to be released. I can't hold my tongue for long and I think this is much easier then getting into a screaming match with each other in front of others.

Please don't doubt how thankful I am to have you in my life. Without you I would not have survived these past two months. I am thankful each time you pick up something of mine to put it away, each piece of clothing you've washed and folded. Each phone call, text message, and email. I'm thankful for it all, but sometimes and emotional hurt can't be healed by things done physically for one person. You have a degree in psychology and yet you don't seem to see the damage you could do to a friendship with the things you've done. You don't see the signs of hurting a friend. I'm truly sorry if you are hurt by this message, I don't want you to be. Things will be ok I'm sure but I had to say something otherwise our friendship would have been over before it truly began.

Brandi -

So that's it. That's what I wrote. All of it. I think I got my point across very clearly without putting her down. I hope I didn't anyway. I just had to make her see how I was feeling. There was so much more I could have writtenbut that would have just been bitter talking. Anywho, she read it and decided not to reply. I expected she wouldn't. Today a friend of ours told me my "friend" put in her transfer to Detroit. Which is fine by me. I don't need an up to date by her, I don't need anything from her. I wanted her friendship but maybe it's better to not have her friendship. At the rate we were going I would never have felt comfortable meeting anyone. A male friend of mine is coming to Minneapolis at the end of March and knowing her I can't be sure she wouldn't have thrown herself on him as well. It sounds mean and cruel, but I fully believe I'm a nice person. Very forgiving but we can only take so much before we have to face some reality.

Am I sad she is leaving? Part of me is. Part of me is happy that some of my stress is going to go away. She'll be happier in Detroit (they get better flights out of there, more international). I'm planning on going to Memphis anyway, when I can afford it of course. So I'm feeling good, and I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. Things should get better, life shouldn't be so gloomy. I finally feel like the sun will shine when I get back to Minneapolis the next time. Sorry this one has been so long.

Brandi

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 (Texas sunset)

I'm in Minot, North Dakota and leaving around four in the afternoon. I have to confess I've been a bit disappointed by the minimum overnights and the destinations I've had with this major airline compared to my former regional. I mean, come on I was staying in Mexico, Canada, all over the US and now I can't seem to get out of the midwest. Except I've completely enjoyed Minot today. I've hung out in bed, read, took a loooong shower, and just been relaxing. There has been no one here to distract me (living with six other people in the crashpad is almost painful at this point). I can't wait to get back to Texas. I don't mind being bugged by my family so it should be fun. They make me remember I am completely loved. If I were in a relationship I doubt I would lean on them so much. I hope that doesn't sound bad, because it isn't meant to be.

Lately one friend in Minneapolis has been letting me down. Being around this person is getting to be painful and so I shut myself away just watching movies and keeping my earphones in my ears. I'm getting to be completely distant there and almost having some remorse. I shouldn't let it be this way and I know I have to "grow up" and tell her how I feel. Except I don't think she can take it. I don't think she can say "I'm wrong" and deal with it. Ugh. To put it simply I have no hope of meeting anyone in Minneapolis because as soon as I do she hounds them for their phone number and calls them! I mean for the most part I haven't been that interested in anyone, but how can I get interested until I know someone and how can I get to know them if she is a hound on their trail?

I've been stressed lately. Lots of things are going on with many people and I want to help, even if I'm just listening while they let go. I'm feeling like I'm not doing such a good job with makes me feel like a let down. I had a good cry yesterday so I'm feeling a bit better today. It's just a mixture of watching everyone I love fall in love and I'm still just standing around waiting for something. I know I know, it's my main problem here. It's the main thing I complain about, but if you look  back over the past four years in this journal (jeeze it's been four years!!) you'll see I've not been in a relationship at all! You can see how I'm getting a bit desperate for some kind of real male attention. You can only be told by the people that love you how great you are before you stop believing them.

If I'm so great then why am I still alone? Oh and no this isn't a sympathy thing. Just talking. Who knows, maybe I'm just feeling icky today and it's effecting me all around.

Brandi

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It's that time of year again when we get to have fun hanging outside all day just waiting for a two and a half hour parade to begin. We bbq, laugh, take pictures and just hang out with the ones we like the most! : ) I think before the parades begin is the best time, the parades are fun but nothing like just hanging out.

I've posted some pics from yesterday, when I find my own camera I'll post those too.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend, I head back to Minni tomorrow.

Brandi

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Yes those are my pasty white legs. This pic was taken December 23rd if I remember right. I would show you the whole image but the picture is just too unflattering (um and I've been posting a lot of pics of myself lately, I'll hide my mug for this entry). So what's the story behind it? Boredom and shock that snow fell that quickly outside. We ran out in our boots and shorts, ran back in for our coats and took just a few pictures. It was a fun moment for me.

Things haven't been so fun lately, I've been bummed out a lot lately. I'm home now. Just for a few days but being around here just makes me feel that much better. I hate to say that I've become a complainer but I see myself going in that direction so getting to come here makes me know things will be ok.

Brandi

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