The Overweight Armchair Sooner

...FOR THE SUMMER TIME BLUES

 

I hate this time of year...I really do.  June and July are four letter words to me, heinous and vulgar, similar to the ones you would hesitate to use in front of your mother.  They reside inconspicuously in the middle of the calendar, luring you in with the promise of vacations, weekends at the lake and summer cookouts.  But don’t fall for it.  Don’t be fooled by a Saturday afternoon T-ball game or a heart warming day named for dad...under that layer of fireworks smoke, June and July are the worst 61 days of the year.

 

To start with, the days are longer, the days are hotter...and I am fat. You do the math. 

 

Summer also means family vacations, summer camp and amusement parks.  Last time I drove cross country with my family, my grandfather threatened to choke me....Unless Camp Longhorn has put in a sports bar and a casino, I have the same interest now as I did at 11, which is less than zero....and as for amusement parks, my life is all the rollercoaster I need, thank you very much.  But by far the worst part of June and July...is the sports calendar. 

 

It has been 181 days since Phil Loadholt last jumped off-sides in Phoenix....the combination of time and the bartender at Harry’s have succeeded in washing away the nightmare I witnessed for the second straight yearin Arizona.  I am starting to get excited about the upcoming season, starting to get that itch....but there are still seven weeks remaining until kickoff....I need a sports fix....but outside of Tiger and Rocco, the following is proof that the dog days of summer are more irritation than relief.

 

ESPN

          Breaking news.... Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement. 

 

NASCAR

          I hate NASCAR like the tooth-fairy hates Kentucky. 

Cars disguised as advertisement billboards going in very fast circles in front of a fan base that can’t read.  Makes perfect sense.  Left turn, left turn, left turn.....channel turn. 

 

NBA Finals

It was a finals match up that only David Stern, NBC TV executives & the ghost of Red Auerbach could have dreamed possible before the season started....but here it was....Lakers vs. Celtics for the title.  Memories beckoned of Magic, Kareem,& Worthy battling Bird, McHale & Parrish. An era when players wore short shorts and a tattoo was something that Rambis or Walton gave you if you tried to drive the lane....It was a dream match up....but...It’s the NBA.

 

I tired to care, I really did....but it is hard to care when you don’t care who wins.  In the 80’s you were either a Magic/Lakers guy, or a Bird/Celtics man.  I was a Lakers guy.  But root for Kobe...the Barry Bonds of the NBA? Maybe to break his ankle.  Phil Jackson, no doubt a great coach with 9 rings...but I’m thinking The OAS could have won at least 5 titles with Jordan/Pippen & Shaq/Kobe combos. 

 

The only thing I found myself rooting for....was for it to be over.   The NBA season started on October 30th, 2007...or about the same time that OU played Missouri in football...the FIRST time.  It is now June....I couldn’t keep an interest in a marriage for 8 ½ months, and you want me to care about Rondo Raja exposing Sasha Vujacic on the pick and roll?   Speaking of that....when did every NBA roster start sounding like roll call at a United Nations meeting?  I would rather listen to an extended dance version of a death metal song than Brent Musberger do a sporting event.....but I give him credit....not many people get Didier Ilunga-Mbenga’s name correctly when he enters the game.  Next channel please

 

ESPN

          Breaking news.... Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement. 

 

Wimbledon

          I have not watched tennis on TV since Borg/McEnroe....now I know why.  Yawn.  Have you watched a women’s tennis match lately? Better yet, have you listened to one lately? The “grunting” these chick do when they hit the ball is a little over the top.  Put Ron Jeremy in the umpire chair and pipe in some bad 70’s music and you would be hard pressed not to mistake it as porno.  Going to need more than the grunting Williams sisters to keep me interested. Mute.

Evidently, the men’s final between Nadal & Federer was one for the ages, but I was asleep by then.  The men’s game is boring...it is dominated by service aces, instant replay and foreigners.  I was shocked to hear that only two Americans rank in the top 40 of men’s tennis.  Gone are the days of Sampras, Connors, McEnroe, wooden rackets, extended volleys and...Any interest I might have had.  Double Fault....Game/Set/Match

 

Arena Football

Kansas City Brigade vs. Grand Rapids Rampage?  Look I miss OU Football a lot...but I am not desperate.  When my girlfriend goes out of town, I miss her....but I don’t go find some fat, ugly, cheap artificial enhanced substitute to replace her.... Just because I am weak and have some empty void that makes me incapable of being happy when I am alone doesn’t mean I settle..... OK...OK, that was a long time ago...I am different now. 

My point is...I can wait. 

 

ESPN

          Breaking news.... Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement.

 

Women’s U.S. Open

          Love chicks.  Love Sports.  Chick Sports...not so much.  Look, I am no chauvinist...I am all for gender equality.  Want to keep your married name when you marry, that’s fine, one less issue in the future divorce decree.  Don’t want to be harassed at work, that’s cool, I am mature enough these days to wait until happy hour.....but chicks on the golf course?  Letting women vote is one thing, letting them do anything on the links beside drive a beer cart is another.  Before putting me in theLifetime Channel Asshole Hall of Fame, you should know this....I gave it a shot...but watching ten minutes of Lilith Fair in FootJoys sponsored by Playtex was all I could handle.  The LPGA tour is battling a “lesbian image problem” (the LPGA commissioners words, not mine).  Corporate advertisers and sponsorship is down...rumors that the tour is on life support are up. 

I don’t need to watch or play with any more golfers who are going to give me 3 shots a side and possibly hit on my chick later....that is what my fraternity brothers are for.

 

Major League Baseball

          Steroids.  Barry Bonds.  The Royals and Rangers are further out than Big Brown at the Preakness... and the Tampa Bay Rays are in first place. What next, we find out that Roger Clemens did steroids?

 

ESPN

          Breaking news.... Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement

 

Tour d France

          I thought they had called this thing off right after Lance Armstrong took his Huffy andwent home.  Performance enhancing drugs have reduced this event to a joke....It’s like Pulp Fiction on Wheels.  Let’s review: Adult men in spandex shorts and goofy looking helmets.....riding a frickin’ bike through mountains and across an entire country for 20-something straight days? Hell, they would be crazy not to be doing drugs. ....I hate racing on two wheels just as much as I do four. 

 

47 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes, 12 seconds to until OU-Tennessee-Chattanooga Kickoff.....Can’t get here fast enough.

 

Just the opinion of one mildly interested guy

 

The OAS

 

Buddy Putty

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Hello again, it’s been a while...Hope everyone is doing well.

 

 The OAS has had a very busy off-season...I attended a seminar called “There is no I in Team, But There is an M and an E” hosted by Malcolm Kelly.  I read Brent Venables book “How to Stop a Running Quarterback” and also did some shopping at the mall with DeMarcus Granger.

 

I have also been working very hard building the company I started in 2006....which brings me to the reason for the blog update.  I am in hopes that I could ask for a moment of your time to tell you what my company does.

 

The company I started is named Dream Season Collectibles.  We specialize in producing sports collectibles, with the primary focus being mini helmets.  Our football, baseball, softball and hockey mini helmets are custom designed to be exact replicas of the one worn by your team, group, league or organization. The helmets are approximately 6" high and are very high quality.  (I have included pictures of some of the helmets that we have produced.)  Over the last year and a half Dream Season has custom made helmets for the following:

 

Youth League Teams     High School Athletic Teams             Booster Clubs

Team Reunions             Athletic Conferences                          Semi-Pro Teams

                     Spirit Shops                 Retail Stores

 

We all know people with children.  Most if not all of you have children...I know because I have purchased everything from Girl Scout Cookies to Oil &Gas Leases to help support their various endeavors...and was glad to do so.....So here is what I am asking:   Youth & High School football seasons and fall baseball season will be here soon....If you or someone you know, is looking for an idea for a team trophy, fund raising or booster club idea or any situation that calls for a custom made sports collectible....I would appreciate it if you would consider Dream Season Collectibles. 

.

 

Here is our website which includes contact information: 

 

www.dreamseasoncollectibles.com

 

 

More importantly....51 Days, 8 Hours, 47 Minutes to Kickoff

 

It took some time, but I am finally able to hear the word "Fiesta" and not feel the need to climb up a tower with a high powered rifle and open fire...I am starting to get excited about the season, the Sooners and their shot at winning title #8 this year....but right now I got to go.....time for study hall with Lendy Holmes.

 

Thanks for your time

Buddy Putty

The OAS

buddyputty at 4:01:33 PM CDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

The off-week could not have come at a better time.  For seven of the previous eight weeks I had loaded up in my Yukon and headed out in various directions to OU games, the shortest of which had been a 6 hour round trip to Ames.  I was tired, but my Yukon was exhausted and in dire need of some maintenance attention.

 

After getting the oil changed and the tires balanced and rotated, it was off to the car wash. This was an absolute must.  After countless cigars, the inside of my Yukon smelled like George Burns had lived the last 10 years of his life inside of it.  Contributing to that smell was the food that had somehow missed my mouth and ended up outside my reach and on the floor of my SUV.

French fries, part of a chicken strip, a half eaten onion ring, three donut holes, six different variations of pig and the entire 99 cent Taco Bell Value menu was wedged in, around and under the seats of my Yukon.  I found everything but Jared from Subway and Ronald McDonald himself under there.  You could have feed the Waltons, the Huckstables and the Bradys (including Tiger, Alice and Mel the Butcher) with all the petrified calories and trans-fat that was “aging” under my seats.  You would think that my two dogs (Guns & Roses) would have been a little help in cleaning up the food I had dropped over the course of the season, but evidently they are more health conscious then I am.  I think I gained 3 pounds just cleaning it out.

Evidently I cannot eat a meal without turning to the left and talking to a clowns face.

 

With a rejuvenated mind and body, a clean automobile and all my tailgate equipment...Molly and I hit the road for Norman and the OU/A&M game last Friday afternoon. 

 

Saturday was gorgeous.  High of about 70 degrees, light winds...picture perfect.   Molly and I got to the tailgate spot about 12:30 and set up the tent, a bar and all the equipment.  Then she made us a couple of Bloody Marys and we sat down to enjoy a tranquil moment or two.....which lasted about 180 seconds.  

 

Molly needs a chair about like Stevie Wonder needs a camera. She has the energy of six and talks non-stop like all six are listening too her.  If the Energizer Bunny ever met Molly, he would say “screw this, I can’t keep up with you anymore” and then he would pass out.  One thing is certain, between the two of us there is never a dull or quiet moment.  In addition to drinking so many Bloody Marys that I started calling them Bloody Mollys; Molly also decided to become The OAS Blog photographer.  She took pictures of everybody and everything in sight with the new camera she got me for my birthday.  Great job, baby....on the drinks and the photography.

 

As far as food was concerned, I decided to do my first shrimp boil.  Potatoes, corn, sausage, little neck clams and shrimp...boiled in the cooker and then poured out buffet style for all to enjoy.  I put everything but Emeril in the damn thing...and still came up about 2 Cajuns short on the spices.  It was pretty good but could have been better.  Now I know.

 

A good friend of mine let me use his seats for the game.  They are located on the east side of the stadium and have access to the suites.  Very nice.  It was the first time I had been in the suites.  It was nice to have such proximity to the bathroom as well as short concession lines.  They also had a very nice desert bar....I highly recommend the chocolate cake.

 

The one not so nice thing was the climb up to this particular section.  I bet there were 15 ramps to climb.  About half way up I thought I was going to have to ask for medical attention.  I needed CPR, or a tequila shot or at least a donut or something.  Next time I will find a way to get a handicap sticker and get my fat ass in the elevator....I can promise you that.

 

THE GAME

 

The Sooners looked like the week off was good for them as well.  They seemed to have fresh legs and looked rejuvenated.

 

Bradford is night and day a better QB at home vs. the road.

 

Coach Franchione is dead man walking at A&M.  Really thought he would be a lot more aggressive then he was.  What did he really have to lose, his job?  Too late to save that Coach.

 

Even with the addition of some offensive and defensive starters to the kickoff and punt coverage units...OU special teams did not improve.  Look for more changes.

 

Malcolm Kelly had an out and out drop and also missed another catch that he usually makes.  He was involved in a game long smack talking session with the A&M defensive back that seemed to divert some of his attention.

 

Pray that the injury to Austin English is not serious. Losing him would be big trouble against a quality opponent.

 

DeMarcus Granger is getting better and better each week...and so is Gerald McCoy....they will be the best defensive line duo in the country next season.

 

Ryan Reynolds is not healthy or just not playing well...just my opinion.

 

Time for Dominique Franks to get a full time shot to return punts.

 

I have been critical of the OU coaches in the past for not getting the ball to the TE enough....but they have figured that out this year and the results have been very rewarding.  JG is special....and a very tough match-up for defenses.

 

Even the A&M band got upstaged Saturday night.  Don’t get me wrong, they were their usual amazing self, but the Pride stole their thunder when they played Michael Jackson’s song Thriller...Then they broke out into the full Zombie Dance during the performance.  It was awesome and got a standing ovation from 85,000 plus.

 

Looks like the Sooners are going to need lots of help going down the stretch if they are going to play for the Sears Trophy....but the way this season is going, it is not a stretch that they end up there.

 

We need to put it on Baylor this week...Stoops needs to run up the score if he can...style points seemingly matter...how else do you explain Kansas jumping 5 places in the BCS by beating a sub-500 Nebraska team?

 

Enough Blog for this week...time for a late lunch....think I will go see what new items I have under the seats of my Yukon.

 

Just One Mildly Interested Guys Opinion

 

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

 

Buddy Putty

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***Special OAS Blog. 

 

Special OAS recognition goes out this week to the Jenks Black Trojans and the Southwest YMCA Longhorns of Ft. Worth, Texas.

 

Jenks Black, lead by Matt McCabe and Brady Latham, rallied in overtime of the semi-finals and then cruised to victory in the Jenks Bowl to capture the 1st and 2nd grade title. 

After the game, controversy grew as dad/coaches Dave McCabe and Bob Latham guaranteed a repeat next year.  “This group is special.  If we can keep them away from video games and skate boards, avoid injuries like chick pox or the mumps and keep them from discovering girls for a little longer...this team could be a Jenks dynasty,” said proud father Dave. 

“This team reminds me of a smaller, less physical, but more mature version of the 1985 Sooner team I played on” added coach Latham. The head coach went on to add “No doubt we will be ranked number one when next seasons pre-season polls come out in a couple of weeks....we just need to work hard this off-season.  If they are not eating Captain Crunch, taking naps or watching cartoons...they need to be in the weight room.  If we do that...I guarantee we repeat.”

 

The Longhorns, lead by Turner MacLean, Doak Dozier, Ben Sankary and Jack Sankary turned in a season reminiscent of the 1972 Dolphins.... When young Ben & Jack Sankary were asked if that was a fair comparison they simply looked at The OAS and said “who?”  

The Longhorns won the YMCA Super Bowl by crushing the Gators 19-0.  It was the second time this season the Horns have pummeled the Gators.  The Longhorns not only went undefeated this season...but also un-scored on.  The Longhorns outscored their opponents 215-0 to capture the Southwest Christian YMCA, 5th and 6th grade title.  Since the Battle Creek Count Choculas lost to the Battle Creek Lucky Charms 7-6 in the Battle Creek, Michigan Cereal Bowl....the Southwest Christian Longhorns also captured the mythical YMCA National Championship.  “Defense wins championships” beamed proud father Scotty MacLean...”Can’t beat us if you can’t score on us” he went on to overstate the obvious.  “There were rumors all year long about Coach David Dozier leaving the team to become the defensive coordinator at The University of Notre Dame...but the kids stayed focused” said mom Pepper MacLean.

“These kids have a blue-collar type work ethic” states Coach Dozier. “When they are not doing long division and dissecting frogs at school, they are thinking football.  They bring a Scooby-Do lunch pale type mentality to practice and go to work” he added.  “I would also like to say that I fully intend to be back next year...It is flattering that my name in being mentioned as the head coaching candidate at places like the Southlake, Highland Park and Plano YMCA’s...but I am fully committed to my job here”.

 

Again, congrats to the Champions.

 

The OAS

 

Buddy Putty

 

THE OU / A&M BLOG TO FOLLOW

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WEEK 8 REVIEW

OU 17  IOWA ST. 7

“If you build it, they will come” ---Field of Dream

 

Watching Kevin Costner carve a baseball diamond out of a corn field in the movie Field of Dreams is about as close to Iowa as I had ever been before this weekend...but “if OU plays there, The OAS will come”...

 

Ames, Iowa is a straight shot up I-35.....228 miles, 417 potholes, 14 one-lane construction zones and three road rage episodes from Kansas City.  Located in the central part of Iowa, Ames (pop. 50,000+) is about 30 miles north of Des Moines.  Area employers and inhabitants of Ames include: a 3M manufacturing plant, Barilla (pasta manufacturer), Sauer-Danfoss (hydraulics manufacturer) and of course Iowa State University.

 

I hit Ames about 11 pm Friday night.  The first order of business was to find a room.  I struck out at the first two hotel chains before pulling up to some place called the AmericInn Hotel.   When I asked the man behind the counter if they had any availability, his reply was, “Yes, but we only have one room.”

Hell, I had to look behind me to make sure the Partridge Family wasn’t standing behind me or something.  “My entourage is booked at the Super 8 down the street, so one room will be fine.” I don’t think he thought I was funny, but he booked me in room 105 anyway.

 

 

 

THE COLLEGE NIGHTLIFE...aint no good life

 

The little “voice of reason” inside my head was advising me to retire to the room, put on my feety-jammies, and watch Sports Center reruns until I fell asleep....but...The not so little “voice from hell” inside my head was encouraging me to hit the town.  If my “voice of reason” was a sports team it would be the Washington Generals... it has never ever won a game vs. the “voice from hell”.

 

The Phuel Bar is located on 4th Street, directly across from the ISU student Union.  There is a large bar in the center of the room, scattered tables and then another room off to the side that has couches and oversized chairs.  As is the norm these days, the music was what seemed like one continual, never ending rap song...played at a volume that if you didn’t hate it before you would now.

 

I made my way to the center bar and got lucky when a couple got up to leave.  I grabbed a chair, moments later, a guy I would know later as Eddie, grabbed the other....that would be the end of my luck.

 

Eddie, I would guess was about 19.  He had enough metal in his face that he might have been getting free HBO and didn’t know it.  The only thing that was not tattooed on this guy’s back was John 3:16.  Eddie was so drunk he was slurring his pauses.... The girl he was with was the “girl next door type”...that is if you lived next door to a whore house.   She looked like she woke up from dying just in time to go out tonight.  As luck would have it, he wants to chat. 

The next few minutes of conversation were part confrontational, part comical...and most part strange.  The conversation went something like this:

(* note: I was wearing a black cowboy hat)

 

Eddie: Hey, look at this guy’s haaaat. What are you a steer or a queer? Laughing...Hey steer/queer, we don’t wear that shit in here.

The OAS:  Look Axel Rose, I know that Ames is the hot bed of cutting edge new fashion, but I’m wearing the hat, so go f*** yourself.

Eddie:  Look steer/queer, we were here first.  Get up so my chick can sit down.

The OAS:  Sure she wants to sit down?  She looks like the type who would be more comfortable on her back.

Eddie:  What does that mean steer/queer?

The OAS: It means that I think your chick, Courtney Love, looks like a whore.  Now why don’t you head back over to Home Depot and see if you can find something else to stick in your face... (Then he tries to grab my hat, but I grab his arm first)

Eddie: then he starts laughing his ass off and says: “OK, you can wear the hat.  I like you, your funny...and your right, she is a whore”.

 

I didn’t know what to do, other than let this guys arm go before I caught something.  All of a sudden he wants to be my new best friend. His chick even gives me a picture of them (see pictures)...just what I always wanted....

Why me?

 

 

PRE-GAME

 

I got to the stadium about 8:40.   I parked in the first lot I came to on the South side of the stadium.  This was a designated student tailgate lot and was a place that filled quickly.  I was amazed at how many people were already there, camped out and well into the tailgate mode.  Turns out this is what ISU football is all about.  The student motto is “Come early, stay late...let me know who won the football game.”

 

Every group has some sort of game...grill...and cocktail set up.  The people were not friendly, but not rude....more or less oblivious to any out of town types. 

 

The more adult, older crowd was on the other side of the stadium...tailgating was still a theme, albeit a calmer one.  There was a tailgate median that ran down the center of the main lot....the median was lined with tents that anyone could rent.  There were a lot of tents going unused....even for Homecoming.

 

Not much tradition going on at ISU outside of the student tailgate parking lot...Gene Chizik has his work cut out for him

 

JACK TRICE STADIUM

 

The stadium opened in 1975 and was originally named Cyclone Stadium.  In 1977 the stadium was renamed Jack Trice Stadium after ISU’s first African-American athlete and first athletic related fatality (1923). The stadium is a double-decked bowed grandstand facility with a grass field and has a seating capacity of 55,000.  The Richard O. Jacobsen Athletic Center is located in the north end-zone (athletic offices and alumni center).   Jack Trice Stadium has rather antiquated concession & restrooms.  The food is cheap but makes up for it by tasting like it.

 

My seats were in the OU visitors section.  I need to confess that I am not proud of my behavior during yesterday’s game.  Several people with children actually got up and moved.  Seems that my Tourette’s syndrome was acting up again....Sometimes I just can’t help it.   Today I am feeling kind of embarrassed about my action during the game...but only kind of....somebody had to be into the game, the Sooners certainly weren’t.

The guy next to me and I were talking before the game...and he was telling me about his dad (who was divorced from his mother).   He told me that his dad was coming to the game with his new wife, who was much younger...he said that he was embarrassed that his dad had a hot “trophy wife”.

The dad finally showed up in the middle of the first quarter with his “trophy wife”...but apparently the trophy was not for first place.  I have never seen such a fuss made over an ugly chick in my life. 

 

THE GAME

 

After Colorado, Texas & Missouri back to back to back, I was not surprised to see the Sooners come out flat.  They found a way to win, which good teams do, but it was ridiculous that the Cyclones were in a position to win like they were.  Sometimes the youth on this team shows.

 

DJ Wolfe played the best game of his Sooner career.  He made several great tackles that saved first downs or even touchdowns.  His 4th quarter INT saved the game and the season for OU.

 

DeMarcus Granger also had a good game.

 

The second half OU did what they should have done in the first....came out and imposed their will at the line of scrimmage.  The worst thing you can do to a smaller, less talented team with less depth is go three and out passing the ball.  You establish no offensive rhythm, while they don’t get pounded; they stay fresh and get an opportunity to control the clock some if they can get a first down or two.  Let a team hang and they start to think they can win....then add a turnover or three and you can get beat.

 

Ryan Reynolds was held out so that with the bye week, he in effect would get two weeks off to rest his knee...interesting decision...Lewis Baker was probably better suited for the ISU pass oriented offense anyway....but, interesting none the less.

 

The wind was blowing hard and affected the game.  Bradford struggled going both directions...the punter Cohen will not have fond memories of Ames. 

 

Gresham needs the ball more. What a weapon.  His one drop was a killer, but he seemingly is always open and a mismatch nightmare for the opponent.

 

Chris Brown....wow, he really runs hard and is amazing in short yardage situations.  What has Brown done for you lately?  Try 5 touchdown’s in last two games. Countless big first downs and tough yards....RB rotation is going well....just have to stop the fumbles.

 

I love college kickers.  Garrett Hartley’s 43 yard field goal into a 25-30 mile an hour wind was clutch.  It may have been ugly, but it was effective.  I was on you hard last week #10...but you came thru big on Sat.

 

 

THE RIDE HOME

 

I was going to do a bunch of corn puns here, but I just don’t have it in me...so I will spare you all.  The 6 hour round trip to Ames was the shortest road trip of the year for the OAS...thank goodness for the bye week....

 

It was good to get home....I need the break....The OAS is road weary....

 

Just One Mildly Interested Guy’s Opinion

 

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

 

Buddy Putty

 

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WEEK 7 REVIEW

OU 41  MISSOURI 31

 

There are some things in life that happen more often than others.  Some of these things can be extraordinary, maybe even mind-boggling occurrences; but because they happen so frequently, they in general, tend to be taken for granted.  The human heart beat, a jet airliner taking flight, turning on your TV, or Lindsey Lohan being arrested, are just a few of the things that come to mind.

Conversely, there are events that happen with such rarity, one might go a lifetime without having witnessed it.  A total solar eclipse, making two-consecutive holes-in-one, a male hero in a Lifetime Channel movie, a cab driver who speaks English…and maybe the rarest occasion of all…when I keep my mouth shut.

Yes, believe it or not, sometimes the filter kicks in and is able to mute some undocumented, scientifically impossible, foot in mouth, politically offensive, off-the-cuff, expert opinion that I was about to force feed anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot. 

Even rarer is the occasion when I know I am right…and yet still choose not to enlighten all those around me….Hell, you got a better chance of seeing Kirstie Alley turn down a Crispy Crème than witnessing that type historical event…but it happened.  

 

I sat and listened to the MU fans, players and coaches for seven very long days last week without saying a word….Now it is my turn.

 

As you may know, earlier this year I moved to Kansas City, Missouri.  If I had been asked 5 years ago to list all 50 states in the order of most likely to someday be called home….Missouri would have been somewhere around 37th.  I got nothing against Missouri, in fact I really, really like it here…but five years ago it was about as relevant to me as an eight-track player.  With change come adjustments…and while not major…one of the adjustments is the shift in my sports environment, the surrounding fan base and the info being provided to that base.  

As you can imagine, KSU, KU and MU dominate here, the way UT, A&M and even OU did in Dallas.  The change takes a little getting use to…going from the Big 12 South to the North is like going from an endless daily buffet of information about the Yankees to a Pizza Hut salad bar of tid-bits about the Rapid City Kernels.

 

Anyway…the point you have all been waiting for is this….the endless smack being spewed by Missouri, Kansas and even some Wildcat fans has been nauseating. 

Why all the hub-bub?  Coming into last weekends sixth week of the season, Missouri and Kansas were both 5-0…care to guess when the last time that happened was?  Try 102 years ago…in 1905.  Hell, OU and Texas have both been 5-0 at least three times in the last seven years.

 

Let me try to put this inperspective: since the last time MU and KU both started a season 5-0:

There have been 18 different U.S. Presidents, several of which served more than one term.  The Titanic was still seven years away from ramming into an ice cube and going down like a prom date.  1905 was the same year that Albert Einstein was so bored he came up the Theory of Relativity…and the same year that the first forward pass was recorded in the NFL.  

 

Both teams 5-0 for first time in 102 years….People here are downright giddy…Basketball will have to wait because the line to jump on the football bandwagons is forming to the left.

 

Hey, initially I was like more power to them.  I had no problem with them being excited…but then….like Coach Mangino at a Kettle buffet….things went a little over-board. 

 

These are just two of my favorite quotes:

 

“We are going on the road to a hostile place…so what?...That’s what we do at Missouri”  --Missouri QB Chase Daniel when asked about playing in Norman.

 

That is what we do at Missouri?  Right.   Chase is probably talking about having to play Oregon State last year in El Paso.  Nothing says hostile like a second tiered bowl game played on a Tuesday afternoon in a half-filled Sun Bowl.  Chase, a hostile environment is 80,000 screaming at you in Norman or Austin....not 30,000 bored people, half of which probably swam to the game…One word for you Chase: Siesta

 

“We are the best offense in the country, defenses don’t dictate what we do…we dictate what they do…when you are the best, you don’t change”—Tiger Tailback Tony Temple (who didn’t even play) when asked if MU would need to make any adjustments against the OU defense

 

Who is this guy and why is he trying to use big words.  Here is the deal Tony the Tiger: We?  You didn’t play…so unless “we” is in reference to you, Trapper John and the rest of the Missouri Regency medical staff…then please adhere to one of the oldest rules in sports: “no talking to the mic, if you aren’t lacing up the Nikes”. 

 

I was an easy target all week for Tiger fans…between my normal everyday attire that has me looking like Cecil Jr.....and my Yukon decorated like the Sooner Schooner…Tiger fans piled on all week.  Here was one typical exchange….

MU fan “We are going to kick your ass, our offense is unstoppable”…

My reply: “you sure might, you guys look good…want to put your money where your mouth is…how about we put a $100 on the game”.

MU fan “Straight up?  I am not going to bet straight up, the line is OU by 9/1/2, you have to give me points”

Me: “a minute ago, your team was going to kick our ass….why would I give you any points?”.

 

Funny how these guys whip a couple double directional vocational schools and a weak Big 10 team to go 5-0 for the first time since electricity…then want to talk smack about a team they have beat once since 1960. 

 

I would advise the MU fans to “act like they have been there, done that before”…but I guess, the fact is….they haven’t.

 

 

THE GAME

 

The Sooner special teams are more like Special Olympics.  Unless Hartley pumps it out of the end-zone, the opposition is going to be starting around mid-field.  Evidently the kickoff cover team either get tired or loses interest somewhere around the other teams 35 yard line.

 

Speaking of Hartley...and I was very harshly last Saturday...what in the name of Trey DiCarlo is going on?  Hartley was suppose to be one of the better kickers in the country this year...which speaks for the state of kickers at the NCAA level.  I am beginning to hate college kickers, which is convenient, because OU has about 8 of them on scholarship right now....which makes no since.  We don’t have depth at linebacker, but we have 6 guys in ballet shoes on scholarship....why?.... so the 4 punters have someone to talk to during practice?  What the hell...why do most all college kickers suck?  You give a soccer player a helmet, a special shoe, a cute tee, tuition and all the time in the world to do the one thing...and this is what they give you.  The only thing saving Hartley’s job right now is the fact that the cover team is so bad; he is actually the leading tackler.

 

MU came into the game ranked #79 against the run...and we couldn’t move it at all on the ground until late.  Little worry some.

 

Iglasias...stop frickin’ fumbling....I am running out of cuss words to hurl at you...and I hate not being original.

 

Curtis Lofton...OU defensive MVP at this point. (Can you believe the season is already more than half over?)

 

Typical Gary Pinkel, you can count on him to go brain-dead at least once in a big game.  Tigers are moving, they have the momentum, not to mention one of the better QB’s in the conference, if not the nation....makes perfect sense to have the WR throw the ball.  OU INT

 

After Lofton’s fumble return for TD put the Sooners up 11, Stoops went for two again.  I cut him some slack here...at this point he probably figured it was 50-50 whether Hartley makes it anyway...but going for 2 there was a mistake.  The point makes it a 12 point game...then MU needs two TD’s to win....miss the two-point conversion like OU did and MU now only needs TD (with 2 point) and FG.  Call me Bob, I am here for you.

 

Coaches usually have a chart to advise them of what to do in that kind of situation, but Hartley had missed so many points by that stage that Bob was probably confused.  My chart clearly said... kick it.  But then again my chart also says “just one cap of vermouth and two olives for a dry-martini” and never wear a straw cowboy hat after Labor Day.

 

Gresham needs the ball more. 

 

Isit ever a good idea to throw the ball to Dane Zazlaw when Malcolm Kelly is on the field? Or come to think of it....even if he’s not?

 

When was the last time OU won a challenge?

OU gets a nice win against an improved Missouri team, especially when it comes the week after Texas...looking like an OU/Tech showdown that could go a ways in deciding the Big 12 South.

 

John Payne and I will be heading up to Ames, Iowa this week.  Never been, heard it is actually a cool town...looking forward to this trip...the last two years, this trip was the adventure of the year....

 

Just One Mildly Interested Guys Opinion

 

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

 

Buddy Putty

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WEEK 6 UPDATE

 

SOONERS 28  TEXAS 21

 

(this blog is dedicated to the memory of Lou McKnight...you will be missed but not forgotten)

 

In the top of my closet you will find a box that contains some of the things I consider most dear to me.  Items like: the crimson shirt I wore and lucky towel that I carried during every OU game in 2000, the Dallas Morning News sports page from the day John Blake was asked to remove his wristbands and step down as coach of the Sooners, my OU/Texas ticket stubs from 2000-2004 and the lanyard containing my ticket from the 2000-2001 Orange Bowl National Championship Game.  Also in this cardboard shrine you will find such items as: a picture of my mother and I two-stepping on her back porch, a yellowed newspaper article from 1982 about the “Putty lead Bearcats” defeating the “Aikman lead Hens”, and a couple of finalized divorce decrees (hey, some things mean a lot in there own way….what can I say).

 

At the other end of the closet you will find another box, this one contains things that make me want to drink warm gin…things like: the shirt I wore to the 2004 Big 12 Championship Game…it was red when I left the hotel, but looked like Prince had thrown up on it after the 35-7 KSU win.  There are the Mardi Gras beads that I tried to hang myself with after the 14-7 loss to LSU in the 2004 Sugar Bowl National Title Game.  There is a 2005 Orange Bowl ticket stub that got me into the first half of the title game against USC.

Also in this cardboard crapper are the black parachute pants I thought were cool and wore 1983, an 8x10 color picture of Vince Young & Reggie Bush, a triple cheeseburger wrapper signed by Lawrence “Mo” Dampeer and a video of the last three minutes of the 2006 OU/Oregon game. 

If I ever start feeling a little depressed, first I watch ‘Old Yeller’ and ‘Where the Red Fern Grows’ back-to back…if that doesn’t have me speed dialing the suicide hotline…then I spend some quality time browsing thru this little box of therapy.

 

The amazing thing about that box of cryptonite is that those items actually made it home.  More times than I can count, I have parted ways with various pieces of clothing, memorabilia and/or personal items that I felt played a roll in an OU loss.  I was wearin