I'm A Survivor

Not much

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:21:32 GMT

Not much going on here!

Busy week here with day care kids! I do have the day off tomorrow though!!!

I have to have blood work done tomorrow.

David is being David what's new... I rather not get into it Long story short, Broken promises to Brian again!!!

I was told by my kids that I di NOTHING!!!! Isn't that a hoot???

So I am thinking of going on strike and just show them who does nothing!!!!!!!!! If it were not for me last nights dishes would still be in the sink, their socks and shoes would still be in the middle of the floor! Books and toys would be out!

I ask them to feed the animals... their answer... "They ate yesterday!"

So does that mean I feed my kids every other day too then???

I am so tired of it!!!!!!!

I get to sleep in tomorrow.

A new shared journal

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 23:13:26 GMT

There is a new shared journal... I thought I would let those who don't know about it, know about it!

pass the word!

check it out!

http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/these-we-have-loved/

It's back.... And

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 21:48:54 GMT

Got my computer back! Got it back Friday night! Boy is it nice to have my PC back! And the person who fixed my PC , took the other one that had a mind of it's own and shut off when it felt like it, he is going to fix that one too and make it an xp instead of windows 98.

OH yeah and he didn't have to replace the hard drive or the recovery disk! He thought it was the hard drive but it was not! it was something about the cable conectors? I didn't lose any of my songs or pictures. I am so happy!

BUT I should get the pictures and muisc I want on CDs just in case!

My back is sore today! Went to Hershey park yesterday with the kids and I got on some rides I probably should not have gotten on!

Bethany got on some of the scary rides! She just made it ( height) to get on them! If you have never been to Hershey park they measure you by candy bars made by Hershey... the kissable's are the baby rides, a Hershey kiss are toddler rides a recess cup is for shorter kids then there is a Hershey bar, and twisslers and then the jolly rancher! Bethany is a twissler!

My feet are killing me and my back hurts! It has not hurt since Nov... I hope I didn't hurt/hurt it!

We went on water rides and the boys wore their socks and shoes and well they got runied, so they tossed them! I bought them flip flops for the rest of the day at the park. We went out to Wal-mart today and bought new ones! The boys were upset that I only bought them 8 and 10 dollar shoes for the summer! But I am not spending 30.00 dollars on sneakers for summer when they cut grass and stuff! I told them I would buy them nicer sneakers when school starts!

Bethany got a new hermit crab and named it Kiss... He already switched the shell he was in, guess it was to small for him! When we first got him I thought he was the same size of the other one we already had, that is why I got him! We put him in the cage with the one we already had and it looked like he was going to fight the other one! So I put a boarder up in the cage to keep them apart! We woke up this morning and the board was down the sea sponge ( for their water ) was gone and Kiss was gone too... So I thought... That's when I discovered Kiss moved out of the one shell and into the other! But here the kitten must of gotten into the tank and knocked over the board and got the sponge!

While we were there I saw signs for the Journey concert!!! Doesn't look like I am going to that! :( and cheap trick is playing with them! At 91.00 a ticket!!!! :( I wish!

Back to work tomorrow.

I think I am going to go take something for my back and go lay down for a bit!

Wonder if alerts are down??? I haven't gotten but 3 or 4 all day!!! Or everyone is out doing stuff and will blog about it later?

Still ..... And

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:04:48 GMT

Well my PC is still down and I am now on my third hard drive, the other one that had the mind of it's own were it shut down when it felt like it, well it shut down and I guess it didn't feel like booting back up! So now I am on a millennium and I am on 8.0 and this thing is slower then slow! It is driving me crazy!!!!!!

Just wanted to share something funny about my birthday the other night!

I went out to dinner with a friend and when we got back Brittany had made me a cake. Well, they added 42 candles and all trick candles too! WELL the smoke alarm went off! I set the smoke alarm off!!!! Not Once BUT twice it went off!!!!

Man is that a sign that I am getting old!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I will try to get on again!

But probably not for a long time as this thing is getting on my nerves! I hope to have my pc back soon!

Don't worry

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:01:30 GMT

hey just wanted to let you all know NOT to worry if you don't see me on for a few days!!! my xp (pc) bit the dust!!!!! Not sure what is wrong with it, maybe the hard drive???

Right now I am on windows 98 and it has a mind of it's own! it shuts down by it's self when it feels like it!

So just in case I am not around I am ok but my comuter is NOT! :(

MY DAY

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:34:08 GMT

Well it's my birthday... The BIG 40... plus 2....

I am not having a very good day though!

My day care kids are full of it today off the wall! And my kids , man is it to much to ask for a little help??? IF I spoke to my parents the way my kids speak to me, I would not be here today!

And they do it because they know they can get away with it! They know I can't parent the way my parents , parented, if I did I would be in prison and they know it so they try and get away with whatever!!!!

They won't get a hobby, they won't go out and play with the neighborhood kids. All they do is fight with each other or me!

I had a date Saturday night! BUT before the date my ex called me and tried to ruin it! He got his papers for the court hearing and he is trying to talk me out of it AGAIN... He is saying he is not making more right now, right now he is going to school and he will be making more later but not right now! He is saying things like how Brittany is going be 18 and how he was going to keep her on CS and if I take him then the courts will take Brittany off. BUT he will keep paying for Brittany! SO now I don't know!

My date was nice , I really like him! AND he is a pilot... What is it with me and pilots! I was telling him about my ex and CS and he said it is a possibility that he isn't making more because aviation does suck right now! So that makes me to tend to believe David a little bit!

My date and I ... our paths could have crossed 17 years ago... He use to fly out of the same airport that David use to work at and we had our plane at! He does not remember us, or me, BUT he does remember our plane. Weird!

BUT I had a nice time, after dinner he took me to see his airplane!

On our way home he decided to take a different way home, he took one wrong turn and we sort of got lost! It was funny though just as he said "where are we?" I was getting ready to say "I don't know!" BUT just then we went past my friends house and I saw all her boys sitting around their kitchen table and I said "I know where we are... oh crap what's the name of this town?" I couldn't think of it! But then I told him that was my friends house then I remembered the name of the town and he said "OH yeah!" LOL I saw the one boy leaning in his chair! I should have called him on my cell and told him to stop leaning! LOL he would of been like "Aunt Sharon WTF?" Then I would have told him "I see everything!!" LOL.... BUT I made it home safe and sound!

We were suppose to go to the 4th of July fire works but they were rained out until the next night! He did come over on the 4th for the cook out! BUT when the fire works were canceled till the next night , he sort of hinted coming back, BUT I really didn't get the hint... duh!

He did e-mail me and said he had a nice time Saturday night and would like to see me again!

The guy I was dating last yr , we remained friends, asked me out about 2 weeks ago for my B-day tonight! So I am going to go, because I said yes! My kids are a little up set though because this is the first birthday I have not spent with them , not counting the lousy B-day I had in Vegas in 2001. BUT Brittany is going to be 18 in Sept and this will be the second B-day in 17 yrs that I have not spent with the kids! My kids think it is mean! I feel bad in a way BUT at the same time I don't! Is that horrible of me? Brittany kept asking me what I wanted for my B-day... I hate that question! I hate asking for things. BUT I told her, kidding (sort of) I want a bottle of Pleasures perfume by estee lauder ... and guess what I got!!!! A bottle of Pleasures by esstee lauder... Guess what I am wearing tonight??? :)

Went to church yesterday and one of the church members asked me if I had prayer request and I got a little teary eyed and told her! I don't like to talk to them about my problems because I was told in so many words one time , I shouldn't do that! ANYWAY another church member (Sunday school teacher for the day) thought she made me cry by something she said... about family and marriage and kids, and staying together NO matter what! It wasn't her that made me cry , but it's JULY and David and I would have been married 19 yrs this month and together 26 years. And in church the guest speaker ( our pastor broke his ankle) was saying how you should pray for your enemy ... I don't know how to pray for David, I don't know that he is my enemy per say but I know there are times I deeply dislike him! And it's not about the affair any more, it's how he treats the kids and won't help out much past LATE child support! How I had beg him to help food shop that one week and that was the first time I did that in 7 yrs! His first response was "why? aren't you on food stamps?" Like he is proud that I feed his kids that way! It's the way he parents or doesn't parent , is what I have such a hard time forgiving!

I made a comment the other day when he called he how he never calls here to check on the kids! So he called today!

He left for the week! So hopefully my phone won't ring his ring! I do so much better when I don't hear his voice! He can call the kids cells!

Tags: Estee Lauder,

Thirteen on Thursday

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 01:02:51 GMT

13 unknown facts/secrets about myself.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship?
Butthead couldn't keep it in his pants.

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
just an hour ago

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m?
chasing 5 kids

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
writing up freecycle adds

5. Are you any good at math?
NOPE

6. Last night?
What about it????

7. What is outside of your back door?
hummm all of it?? a grill a hamock a sand box, a few tress, grass, a bike a doll house a slide a fort still wanna know?????

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
No. BUT for a divorce

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?

don't have one (a song)

10. Last thing you received in the mail?
mail for my ex FIL , mail for Brittany's ex and why the heck I am getting mail for these 2 are beyond me......

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
2 , tea and a pepsi

12. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Sometimes.

13. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
my wisdom teeth jerk wouldn't give me enough pain medicine and then told me to suck it up when I told him it hurt!

Someday...

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 01:33:28 GMT

Someday I hope to get ahead!!!

WOW so I finally got CS almost 2 weeks late! paid my bills and have a whole 20.00 dollars left!

My pay raise started this week though. So That should be good!

I filled out the papers to take him back (to court) I will NOT let him talk me out of it this time! He can't tell me he making less NOT after what I heard! BUT proving it to the courts will not be easy! He is a jerk! They won't make it go down. Not until Brittany turns 18 in Sept BUT then it might stay the same if he is making more, even if Brittany is off in Sept, because of his raise I may get for three what I use to get for 4 (kwim?)! BUT either way the courts know what he is capable of making.

I just don't get him how could he make his kids suffer!

I was paying bills today and it sucks!!!! BUT I did pay off another loan , last payment on that one! 2 down and one to go! This month also sucks because my water and trash were due, they are every three months, So they won't be due again until Like Oct. I can't wait till I have extra in my account! My grandmother passed away and I was in her will, I should be getting something from that! I plan on starting a nest egg! I don't think it is big BUT every little bit will help me start that!

Well in 4 days I will celebrate another birthday!! 29!!! Again!! Seriously I will be 42, it's not as bad as I thought ... When I was 22 , 42 seemed so old... NOW 42 is the new 22!!!

Cash and gift cards are welcomed!!!! :) jk!!!!

So Busy and tired....

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 01:16:05 GMT

WOW I have been so busy this week with day care kids I had one day off but I ran around that day running errands!

Man am I tired!!!!

They keep me hopping!!!

WOW on the news today there was this homeday care where this baby was being fussy and she put the baby in the crib and put a piece of ply wood over the top so the baby could not climb out, he was a yr old! The board fell in a broke his neck! He died!!! :*( How sad.... How could she do that? She stuck him in there and then put a board over it as if he was an animal!!!

I have two babies and 2 pac and plays and when I discovered that the one little one could climb out of the one pac and play I then turned around and put her in the deeper pac and play!!!

I just don't get it how people can do that to a baby! Makes me want to cry!

After they left I went out to clean the garage some more ( still working on that!) and I found two books. One that is called if you give a pig a pancake and if you give a moose a muffin! I have if you give a mouse a cookie and I have to read it 100 times if I read it once ,the one little boy loves to read and once I read a book he is like "again!!" So I was joking to my kids when I found the books saying I am going to write one called "IF you read Ben a book!" I think he will like that! :)

Tags: if you give a pig a pancake, if you give a moose a muffin, if you give a mouse a cookie

Last night.... Why I am so Blue

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:36:38 GMT

I've been sittin' here Tryin' to find myself, tryin to find a way to write what I am feeling, to make it come out right, without making it sound like I don't know.... bitter and stuck in the past!

I don't think I do live in the past at least I try hard every new day not too... BUT then those damn triggers!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate them!!!!

People don't know bout the things I say and do ,they don't understand about the shit that I've been through. I said it too many times And I still stand firm you get what you put in And people get what they deserve, BUT last night I laid in bed racking my brain and heart trying to figure out what the heck I did so wrong to have gotten what I have?????

I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up feeling a little better BUT not 100%....

I just wish I could figure out WHY!!!!!!!!

People tell me "In HIS time!!!" BUT it's been 7 yrs.... Hasn't "it" been long enough??? Gosh for that matter it's actually been 42 yrs!!!! What the heck did I do as a baby to get beat? To be called stupid dumb retarded every day of my childhood? What did I do so wrong to fall in love and believe in a man only to get hurt???

Last night before the fire works... BH calls says "what are you doing?" I tell him going to the fire works! He asks what time they are! I tell him, he says "See you later!" WELL low and behold he shows up.... OF ALL the places he could have gone to see them he shows up with FiFi , his mom , his daughter from FiFi , his nephews and his cousin her husband and her kids!!!! At first they don't see us there, or do they? BUT set up their blanket and what knots!!!! Then out of the blue he is standing in front of me with all the rest in the back! He asks if this is a good spot! I tell him NO it is the worst spot in the whole park! Then I tell him I know he is a pain BUT I cant see through him! His mother laughs! BUT never even says HI to me! How are you doing or anything!!!! The weird part about it is she tells the boys she prays for me every night! In the seven yrs he has been gone she has not called here to say HI even though I almost died 2 times in those seven yrs! NEVER called to see if we needed anything if her grand kids need anything ! She has not seen Brittany in 6 yrs and she didn't even say HI to her!!!! Then his cousin , ugh she rubs me the wrong way... ( another story to that) BUT she says "you probably don't remember me, it's been awhile.... ( how can I forget?)... @@ Plus the fact I am not dumb I rememeber her!

FiFi how ever did not come over Thank God!!!!

BUT a few minutes later after they walked back to their spot they picked up and moved!!!! NOT before he bought 8 of his nephews those 6 dollar each glow sticks! BUT he went all out and got them swords and dolphins and ... so we are talking more like 10.00 glow sticks, He NEVER bought our kids those when they asked for them , he couldn't afford them he would tell our kids! It was IMO mean and hurtful for him to even show up there in THAT spot to start with!!!!

So a few minutes later I started to think of the time I found a letter from his cousin to him , when we were dating , and it asked him if he was going to get to see the girl he likes confidently from Chicago!!! Then I remembered something recently that Brian had told me, he told me once that his dad mentioned to him that he knew Sophie while he was in college, So I got to thinking about that... and wondered did he cheat on me our whole relationship? and IF he knew her while he was in college why date me while he was in college and why go on to marry me and have 4 kids with me if she was the love of his life? Why would he sit on my front porch with me at the age of 21 and start to plan our lives together! Get engaged, be engaged 2 yrs then get married , be married 2 yrs and start a family... and have 4 kids each 2 and half yrs apart hopefully 2 boys and 2 girls! NEVER did he mention and 2 yrs after our last baby I will leave you and go be with the realgirl I love from Paris!!! Because that is pretty much what happened! We got engaged, married 2 yrs later, we started our family a little sooner... and finished a little later but we had our 4 kids most of them 2.5 yrs apart, even had 2 boys 2 girls! Talk about perfect planning... except perfect should be omitted from that sentence ... Because 2 yrs after our last he left us!!!! Well if I would have known that was part of the plan I wouldn't have gone through with it! WOULD anyone????

The thing is I can't picture my life with out my kids! BUT I am so PISSED that Butthead left me holding the BAG and everything else too! he moved on started his new family had it all set up before he even left me! He was even engaged to her before he moved out of here! I am so PISSED!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if he ever did love me at all???? IF not then why did he waste 18 yrs of BOTH of our lives????

And why would he tell his son that? Does he think by telling Brian that he knew her while he was in college then made it ok , a good enough reason to leave his mom (me) high and dry? Does he think it makes it ok and not considered cheating then?? What goes through his head when he tells our kids stuff like that! Like the time he told Bethany, she was 4 or 5 at the time, he left me because our marraige was complicated!!!! Please don't get me started on that one! He had it made here with me! I bent over backwards for the man! maybe that is why he cheated on me! I trusted him way to much! Gave him to much leash . Maybe I should have gotten him on a shorter leash. BUT bringing another woman into your marriage IMO would complicate things a bit! I just wish I knew then (89) what I know now.

BUT then I go back to then I wouldn't have my babies!!!!! And I love them so damn much... IF it were not for them I would have probably checked out long ago!!!!!!!!!!

I just don't get WHY me though?????

What did I do so wrong in my life to have been dealt the hand I have been?

abuse by my dad emotional, physical, verbal, Then David with emotional abuse and controlling , brain wash !!!! Losing 2 babies, my genetic disorder, my scoliosis , the tumor on my spine and NOW the gist.... AND NO one to talk to at night , no one to hold me , no shoulder to cry or lean on in times of feeling so low!!!!!

I wonder if he ever really loved me at all??? Will I ever know? Or will I die never knowing? Should I even let it bother me anymore???

How can I put it out my mind???

Will I ever find love again???

I just don't understand it.... WHY ME??????

So for now I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high.
I'll keep moving on and only, God knows why... I just wish he would let me know too!