Inside the Mind

2:43:24 PM EDT

It's been a while since my last entry.  I'm not too sure why.  The tide has been out for a while now and I have enjoyed walking along the beautiful beach of serenity.  Occassionally there's a wave that comes in further than the others, but Grace has held the tide back.

I've jotted a few things here & there and I will include them in this journal (not particularly this entry) so if anyone IS following these ramblings, there will be a little more activity.  Although, I write this for me, perhaps strength is drawn knowing that you're not the only one struggling.

I've been burdened to get into The Word more....so that's what I'm doing.  Currently, I'm in Ephesians.

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

9:41:21 PM EST

Well, the husband is off to another city again - which means the nemesis will be in the neighborhood, inflicting her venom and hatred.  Bringing out the codependant Bi-otch in me.

I'm praying and working hard against this little demon (who is not to be underestimated).  I've already sent requests to my prayer warriors to stand against this spiritual battle with me. 

I'm not sure what I can do. I have found that when I try to ignore my horrible, yucky feelings they seems to grow and multiply exponentially.  If I try to "ride them out" they become tsunamis.  If I try to examine and evaluate them objectively, I am not objective and they grow again.  It seems that no matter which way I turn, I am fertilizing their growth with super strength vitamins or something.  Then I end up in the mess, emotionally & spiritually, that I was in before.

I need orders from a Jesus Freak.  Someone who can tell me, "OK, when this happens, I want you to do A. B. & C. in that order, every time!"  I guess that's my prayer - that God will send me someone to tell me what to do. Amen.

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

4:39:19 PM EST

Due to the current situation, many are aware of the conflicts within my heart and head. I have reached out to my mentors and support in an effort to seek an answer to the latest internal dilemma.  Once again, God has supplied my answer.  Although I didn’t expect it in a public sermon, but maybe that was how He would get me to listen.  I’m sure, too, that I am not the only one who needed to hear His words about this topic.

 

I have recently struggled with evil, vile thoughts directed toward a specific person who continues to persecute me. I didn’t know if I should fight these thoughts; if I should allow the thought to run its course so that it could then be trashed; if I should try to turn the thought into something positive.  I didn’t appreciate the pain & anger fanned by the fire of these thoughts burning my brain.  Each time a “not nice” thought reared its ugly head, it was a battle within me that I didn’t appreciate. I didn’t want that person to have the power to bring thoughts into my head that I didn’t want there.  These thoughts went against everything I try to be and struggle with routinely.  Well, due to Grace, God, His Holy Spirit, Christ, and all that God stuff in my life – it isn’t a routine struggle.  I have been able to sweep the trash of my past into the garbage can of yesterday.  You know the one – with the floor of forgiveness.  The one that is forever empty because God has forgiven and removed the garbage. 

 

So, when these thoughts worm their way into my head, I didn’t know how to get rid of them.  I would try to justify them knowing this person deserved my anger, my loathing, my detesting.  Then perhaps I would hear that passage in my head about not having the same expectations of the lost as we do the saved (no, I’m not a verse spewer, sorry – but you should know what I’m talking about). Then, again, I would try to justify the thoughts by telling myself that she should be of the Body of Christ.  She goes/went to church.  She knows how it’s worked.  She knows what to do, right & wrong, good vs. evil.  But, because she makes the active choice to behave in the manner she does, it’s OK for me loath and despise her vehemently.  Yes, I have even indulged in saying that I hate her, knowing I am to hate no one – for Jesus’ sake. 

 

I found myself in this circular conundrum that was only bringing me down.  I would ask myself “What would Jesus do?” I wanted to believe he would be tossing the tables and demanding appropriate behavior.  But, I knew the truth.  The truth would be that Jesus would love her when everyone else hated her.  Jesus would always be kind, even to the soldier who was beating him un-relentlessly.  It was, er, is my responsibility to be Jesus on earth in my sphere of influence.

 

“But,” I whined to God, “I’m not Jesus. I’m just me.  I’m not perfect. Can’t I have my human thoughts? Can’t I have my temper tantrum once in a while? Why do I have to be wonderful all the time? Why, why, why?”  I threw myself on the floor of heaven at His feet. I stomped. I pouted. I held my breath until I turned blue. I kicked. I screamed. I cried. I surrendered.  It was then, He took me by my hand. He sat me down upon His lap and He hugged me until I was cried out.  Then He sat me down across from Him. He cupped my face in His warm, loving hands.  He looked me in the eye and he said, in His kind, soft voice, “My sweet baby girl, I, the Lord your God, your Father, your Daddy, I love you more than you can ever imagine.  I will hold your right hand as you cross the street.  I will keep you safe in times of danger – seen and unseen. Do not be afraid.  I will help you. I will always help you.  When you are sad or scared – cry out, yell, scream, pitch your little fit.  But know that I am only a word away; a word which never has to be verbalized, only internalized.  Like that silly song from TV’s ‘Friends’ says, I’ll be there for you. I love you. I will always love you. I will protect you and I will help you.”

 

So, I have to realize that I can over-think this situation. I cannot understand her.  She doesn’t even understand herself.  Who am I to know beyond that? I don’t have to try to understand her. I don’t have to try to understand her motivations, her bitterness, her actions.  I only have to keep my eye “on the prize” – the prize I have already won and enjoy.  Keep my eyes upon Jesus.  Look full in His wonderous face – or however that protestant song goes, it’s not one I grew up with.  But, I think you know what I mean…

 

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

4:03:01 PM EST

This morning's sermon had my name written all over it.  It was about "you are what you think".  He said that if you have horrible, awful thoughts, then you should redirect and recenter your thoughts on God.

Hmmm, a coincidence? I think not.  It's nice to know that God cares enough about me to burden the preacher with a sermon in answer to all my questions.

It is spiritual warfare.  When I find myself wishing ill will and harm toward this person, I need to refocus on God.  Not even so much as "WWJD?" - because I'm not always able to do what Jesus would do due to my humanity.  So, instead of indulging these thoughts thinking maybe that would make them go away, I need to find something Godly to focus on.  Indulgence breeds. If I indulge in one "ill will" thought, it will produce another one which will generate another one, and then these "bad" type of thoughts will splinter into other areas of my life - other people, selfishness, self-centeredness, self-satisfaction due not from fulfillment of God's will but self-will run riot. It will be an ugly mess.

Act your way into feelings or "Fake it till you make it" - so, if I find myself obsessed with her, her ways, her obscene behavior, I ought not try to understand it - because I can't. I ought not focus on why I can't relate to her. I ought not try to understand how to respond.  I should turn my thoughts away from her and onto God.  But not in a "prayer" type way - God help me understand her, God help me release this power she has over me, God guide me with how to handle her.  I need to redirect on things unrelated to her and not give her the time of day within my brain.  Ignore her, ignore the compulsions, ignore the loathing and focus on the love God has for me.  Look at how I can be a better mom or wife.  Concentrate on spending more time with my family and friends.  I have to learn not to indulge in anything related to her in any way, shape, or form.

Wow - duh! But, again, I find myself needing to hear the known from someone else.  A confirmation? Maybe.  Encouragement? Yes!

Thank you God for sending me this message that I so desperately needed to hear. I love you lots, too.

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

5:13:44 PM EST

I feel like I'm a tidal wave - or the situation is a tidal wave - I'm not sure.  But, when I am forced to deal with this woman - the internal dilemma seems to grow like a tidal wave. 

At first, things are OK, I'm handling her and nothing is bothering me.  Then, as she wears on my everlasting last nerve, I notice a little flick in my patience.  Then, I might say something to a friend about my lack of understanding her behavior.  Then, there is a personal attack to me, which I don't respond to.  Then I feel like I'm consumed with her - thinking about why she behaves the way she does, trying to understand her irrationality, wondering why she inflicts such pain in me, concerned as to why I give her that much power over me. 

And, then, the tide shifts.  Something happens which returns life to a relatively normal state - the crisis passes, we've reached a plateau in the situation, she is moved farther out of my immediate world.  I feel the wave of emotion and codependency recede a little bit back to the manageable level.  I find myself picking up the debris and repairing the damages - wondering how I can protect myself from future tidal waves....

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

9:02:05 PM EST

I don't understand the pain involved.  Are there people out there who intentionally hurt & harm? Duh, I know the answer to that, but I have no frame of reference of how to deal with the narcissistic sociopath who finds their way into my life.  Why would anyone want to inflict such pain? How can I defend myself from the pain without striking back?  Should I? What would Jesus do? I'd like to think he'd be turning the tables over in the Sanctuary, demanding that the inappropriate and offensive behavior to God stop instantly.  Did they say such things as "cease and decist" back in his day?

Where do thoughts become sinning of the mind? If you daydream - does that do it? If you allow your mind to fantasize - is that sinful?  Where do you draw the line? Where does our own humanity play in this drama?

Why does she affect me in such a manner? Why do I care what she thinks or does or says to or about me? Why do I waste such energy on this black hole of humanity? How can I regain the power I need to prevent her from further ripping my heart apart?

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

6:32:53 PM EST

There is a world within myself of uncertanties, unhealthiness, and quandries.  I am only human. I have buttons that get pushed, goats that get got, and a desire to be amazingly awesome at all times.

One specific person in my life currently brings out the worst in me.  She intentionally antagonizes, berates, and insults in an effort to feed her little narcissistic self-will-run-riot. It's not often I want to pulverize someone to such a degree as I do her.  This causes a spiritual, moral, and emotional rollercoaster in my being.  The thoughts of ill-will toward her go against everything that defines who I am and how I live.  Do I berate myself for these ill thoughts and feelings towards her? Do I acknowledge them, dismiss them, and move on?  Do I ignore them in a past-time of prayer, hoping that God will remove them from me?  Where is the balance of being human and giving over to God? How can I achieve this? Am I indulging in selfish delight when I give definition to these thoughts & feelings?  Can I not bash her up-side the head with the 2x4 of appreciation? How to get her heart to melt? How to motivate God to move faster in her life so that my life will be a little easier?

Until we meet again...

Written by butterieflie Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own