Inside the Mind

Due to the current situation, many are aware of the conflicts within my heart and head. I have reached out to my mentors and support in an effort to seek an answer to the latest internal dilemma.  Once again, God has supplied my answer.  Although I didn’t expect it in a public sermon, but maybe that was how He would get me to listen.  I’m sure, too, that I am not the only one who needed to hear His words about this topic.

I have recently struggled with evil, vile thoughts directed toward a specific person who continues to persecute me. I didn’t know if I should fight these thoughts; if I should allow the thought to run its course so that it could then be trashed; if I should try to turn the thought into something positive.  I didn’t appreciate the pain & anger fanned by the fire of these thoughts burning my brain.  Each time a “not nice” thought reared its ugly head, it was a battle within me that I didn’t appreciate. I didn’t want that person to have the power to bring thoughts into my head that I didn’t want there.  These thoughts went against everything I try to be and struggle with routinely.  Well, due to Grace, God, His Holy Spirit, Christ, and all that God stuff in my life – it isn’t a routine struggle.  I have been able to sweep the trash of my past into the garbage can of yesterday.  You know the one – with the floor of forgiveness.  The one that is forever empty because God has forgiven and removed the garbage. 

So, when these thoughts worm their way into my head, I didn’t know how to get rid of them.  I would try to justify them knowing this person deserved my anger, my loathing, my detesting.  Then perhaps I would hear that passage in my head about not having the same expectations of the lost as we do the saved (no, I’m not a verse spewer, sorry – but you should know what I’m talking about). Then, again, I would try to justify the thoughts by telling myself that she should be of the Body of Christ.  She goes/went to church.  She knows how it’s worked.  She knows what to do, right & wrong, good vs. evil.  But, because she makes the active choice to behave in the manner she does, it’s OK for me loath and despise her vehemently.  Yes, I have even indulged in saying that I hate her, knowing I am to hate no one – for Jesus’ sake. 

I found myself in this circular conundrum that was only bringing me down.  I would ask myself “What would Jesus do?” I wanted to believe he would be tossing the tables and demanding appropriate behavior.  But, I knew the truth.  The truth would be that Jesus would love her when everyone else hated her.  Jesus would always be kind, even to the soldier who was beating him un-relentlessly.  It was, er, is my responsibility to be Jesus on earth in my sphere of influence.

“But,” I whined to God, “I’m not Jesus. I’m just me.  I’m not perfect. Can’t I have my human thoughts? Can’t I have my temper tantrum once in a while? Why do I have to be wonderful all the time? Why, why, why?”  I threw myself on the floor of heaven at His feet. I stomped. I pouted. I held my breath until I turned blue. I kicked. I screamed. I cried. I surrendered.  It was then, He took me by my hand. He sat me down upon His lap and He hugged me until I was cried out.  Then He sat me down across from Him. He cupped my face in His warm, loving hands.  He looked me in the eye and he said, in His kind, soft voice, “My sweet baby girl, I, the Lord your God, your Father, your Daddy, I love you more than you can ever imagine.  I will hold your right hand as you cross the street.  I will keep you safe in times of danger – seen and unseen. Do not be afraid.  I will help you. I will always help you.  When you are sad or scared – cry out, yell, scream, pitch your little fit.  But know that I am only a word away; a word which never has to be verbalized, only internalized.  Like that silly song from TV’s ‘Friends’ says, I’ll be there for you. I love you. I will always love you. I will protect you and I will help you.”

So, I have to realize that I can over-think this situation. I cannot understand her.  She doesn’t even understand herself.  Who am I to know beyond that? I don’t have to try to understand her. I don’t have to try to understand her motivations, her bitterness, her actions.  I only have to keep my eye “on the prize” – the prize I have already won and enjoy.  Keep my eyes upon Jesus.  Look full in His wonderous face – or however that protestant song goes, it’s not one I grew up with.  But, I think you know what I mean…

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