trading my sorrows

9:46:31 AM EDT

this is my oldest daughter christy. we went to her colledge graduation this last saturday. she graduated with a honors diploma. gosh i am always wondering how my daughters got all their smarts!!!! it sure isnt from me or either one of their dads. not trying to be mean. its just true!!!! boy was i ever a very proud mom!!! she is soooo darn smart but she unfortunely has very little comman sense which worries me something awful. i pray for her daily. now my youngest daughter is very smart and has lots of common smarts for the most part. she is perfect as nobody is and sometimes i do wonder where she is coming from but she really does have her head on her shoulder even better than me. after christy's graduation we come home and finished up the things that we had to do for her open house at her house. and we had a very good time there that evening.

 

sunday we went to church and laid around the house all day long afterwards. my youngest daughter had to work though.

 

monday evening my husband come down with this most awful stomach flu. sure worried me. he had to stay home from work yesterday but is back at work today. sure wont do our finanical problem any good with him staying home but what can you do? not a thing but to stay home and let it take its course which i think it did. i sure hope brittney and i dont get it. i think he got it from my nephew. should have never let him spend the weekend here. he was just getting over this.

 

today i am not doing much other than cleaning the house and have a few things already accomplished. not much but putting a dent into it all.

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11:22:33 AM EDT
IM A VERY FIRM BELIEVER NEVER TO USE THE QUOTE "IT COULDNT GET ANY WORSE" CAUSE I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT I MISERY I AM GOING THROUGH AT THE TIME BECAUSE I AM DEFINATELY SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THINGS COULD GET WORSE!!!! MUCH MUCH WORSE SO I HAVE ALWAYS WORKED ON TRYING NEVER TO SAY THAT CAUSE I AM THE PERSON THAT WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND I WOULD BE SHOWN THESE CAN GET WORSE BUT TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT I HAVE TO BITE MY TONUGE SO I DONT SAY IT CAUSE I AM SOOOO DISGUSTED WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW WHICH ONLY BRINGS ON MORE AND MORE DEPRESSION. I AM SOOOO FINIANCIALLY BURDENED AS IT IS AND WE CAN NEVER NEVER SEEM TO GET ONE CRISIS CAUGHT UP OR MADE DISAPPEARED BEFORE ANOTHER ONE COMES UP. AND I DO PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY EVERYDAY FOR THIS BURDEN TO LEAVE BUT IT JUST STICKS WITH ME. I WATCHED THIS CHRISTIAN CHANNEL ONCE AND THEY SAID NEVER GIVE UP ON HOPE BECAUSE THE MINUTE YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID WHICH THEY DIDNT USE THE WORD STUPID I AM SURE BUT I CANT REMEMBER WHAT THEY USED SOMETHING WOULD HAVE COME UP TO THE GOOD. IF YOU WOULD HAVE ONLY WAITED ONE MORE MINUTE OR ONE MORE DAY OR ONE MORE WEEK AND SO ON YOUR PRAYERS WOULD HAVE BEEN ANSWERED AND IVE ALWAYS TRIED TO HOLD ONTO THAT BUT I TELL YOU I GO THROUGH SOOOO MUCH TORMENT IN THE TIME BEING.........I HEARD THIS KNOCKING SOUND IN MY CAR THE EVENING BEFORE YESTERDAY AND I THOUGHT O NO NOT ANOTHER PROBLEM!!!! I KEPT TELLING MYSELF JUST MAYBE IT COULD BE NOTHING AND IT WILL GO AWAY. I PRAYED FOR IT TO GO AWAY TOO. TOOK IT OUT FOR A TEST DRIVE YESTERDAY AND IT DIDNT GO AWAY SO I MADE MY HUSBAND TAKE IT TO TUFFY CAUSE I FELT IT COULD BE A BRAKE PROBLEM. STILL HAD HOPE THAT IT COULD BE TAKEN CARE OF AND NOT COST THAT MUCH. O HOW WRONG I WAS CAUSE IT IS GOING TO COST OVER $500!!!! SOOOO IN DEBT I GO AGAIN AND WHEN I GOT HOME I TOLD MY HUSBAND JUST GO AHEAD AND GET THAT LAWN MOWER THAT YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT IN THE SALES PAPER CAUSE THAT IS GOING TO CREATE A WHOLE NEW PROBLEM IF WE DONT GET ONE CAUSE OF COURSE OURS BROKE DOWN AND WE LIVE IN A MOBILE HOME PARK AND THEY ARE BIG TIME ONTO YOU IF YOU DONT MOW YOUR YARD AND OUR NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN DOING IT BUT I CANT ALLOW HIM TO DO IT ALL SUMMER CAUSE IT WOULD BOTHER ME TOO MUCH CAUSE I COULD NOT PAY HIM A PENNY FOR HIS EFFORT. SO SINCE WE ARE GOING INTO SUCH DEBT WITH MY CAR WE MIGHT AS WELL GET A LAWN MOWER BEFORE WE END UP GETTING A NOTICE SAYING THEY ARE GOING TO MOW THEMSELVES AND THEY CHARGE A ARM AND LEG FOR DOING THIS. I TOLD MY HUSBAND MAYBE WE COULD COME UP WITH SOME MOWING JOBS FOR HIM TO MAYBE PAY FOR IT BUT I AINT HOLDING MY BREATH BECAUSE THERE AINT BEEN MUCH RELIEF COME OUR WAY IN THE PAST. AND PLUS I AM JUST NOT TOO SURE IF MY HUSBAND'S HEALTH IS REALLY GOOD ENOUGH TO TAKE ON ANYMORE THAN WHAT HE IS DOING NOW WHICH IS HIS JOB. SOOOO I JUST DONT KNOW. I HAVE FOR QUITE A LONG TIME BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR ME A JOB BUT I AM SOOOO DARN LIMITED WHEN IT COMES TO HOURS SO WHEN I GO TO PUT A APPLICATION IN NOBODY YET IS INTERESTED IN ME PLUS I HAVE NEXT TO NOTHING AS FAR AS EXPERIENCE IN ANYTHING. MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER HELPS OUT A WHOLE LOT BUT SHE JUST GOT A NEW CAR WHICH SHE HIGHLY DESERVES SO SHE WILL BE LIMITED NOW WITH WHAT SHE CAN HELP WITH SOOOO IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT I FIND SOMETHING SOON. I AM LIMITED CAUSE I BABYSIT MY GRANDAUGHTER AFTER SCHOOL AND I BABYSIT TWO BOYS SO I NEED SOMETHING WHERE I CAN START AROUND 5PM. THESE DAYS PLACES WANT YOU TO BE VERY FLEXIABLE AS FAR AS HOURS WHICH I REALLY CANT. I SELL AVON BUT MAKE NEXT TO NO PROFIT BECAUSE IT SURE HASNT COME OFF THE GROUND AND IVE DONE IT FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS. I PUT MY NAME IN THE PARK OFFICE TO BE A POOL MONITER AND THAT WOULD BE IDEAL FOR ME. THEIR ONE SHIFT STARTS AT FIVE BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN CALLED BUT SUPPOSELY I AM STILL ON THEIR LIST. DONT PAY ALL THAT GREAT BUT HEY SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOHTHING. SOOOO WHAT I AM SAYING I AM ALL THE MORE ANNOYED AND ANGRY WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW AND REALLY FEEL STRONG DOUBT IF ANYTHING EVER GOING TO GET BETTER. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE WITH THESE KINDS OF PROBLEMS. I READ JOURNALS AFTER JOURNALS ABOUT OTHERS GOING THROUGH THE SAME MISERY. I HEAR IT PERSONALLY ALMOST EVERYDAY HOW PEOPLE ARE ALSO STRUGGLING. AND MY HEART DEFINATELY GOES OUT TO THEM CAUSE I SOOOO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE FEELING. I FEEL LIKE I AM A EXPERT AT KNOWING. HAHA. SOOOOO AS ALWAYS I TRY TO CARRY ON JUST ONE MORE DAY CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR SHIP IS GOING TO COME IN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT IS YOUR TURN FOR GOOD THINGS TO START HAPPENING. I AM GOING TO TRY TO GET MYSELF BUSY AND JUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT ALL.

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2:23:53 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet

GOSH I KNOW ITS BEEN SOOO LONG SINCE I HAVE COME TO WRITE IN MY JOURNAL. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING WITH DEPRESSION REALLY BAD HERE LATELY. IT EVEN FEELS LIKE AT TIMES ITS WORSE THAN IT HAS BEEN EVER. I THINK THAT FROM TIME TO TIME THROUGHOUT THE YEARS BUT THIS TIME IT REALLY DOES FEEL THE WORSE. I FEEL LIKE I WOULD SO LOVE TO CRAWL INTO BED AND NEVER GET OUT ONLY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS LIKE BABYSITTING MY GRANDAUGHTER AFTER SCHOOL AND BABYSITTING THE TWO BOYS EVERYDAY THAT MAKES THAT IMPOSSIABLE. I DONT HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL THE PARENTS HEY I AM OUT OF COMMISSION FOR I DONT KNOW HOW LONG SO YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN AS FAR AS YOUR KIDS. I JUST GET SOOOO DISGUSTED WITH LIFE IN GENERAL. EVEN WHEN GOOD THINGS DO COME MY WAY I AM SOOOO BLINDED BECAUSE OF ALL THE BAD THAT I CAN ONLY SEEM TO FOCUS ON THESE DAYS. I TRY TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS EVERYDAY EVEN THOUGH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT DOUBT THAT BUT I REALLY REALLY DO. BUT EVEN AFTER COUNTING THEM THOSE DARK DARK CLOUDS SEEM TO NEVER BE TOO FAR AND ALWAYS COME BACK TO BE RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD. I ALWAYS SAY I AM NEEDING TO PUT ALL THE THINGS THAT WE ARE STRUGGLING WITH IN GOD'S HANDS AND THEN I GO AND GRAB THEM BACK FROM HIM AND DWELL ON ALL OUR PROBLEMS WHICH ALWAYS END UP MAKING ME FEEL MENTALLY AND PHYISCALLY NOT WELL AT ALL.

I HAVE BEEN HAVING A GOOD DAY OR TWO A WEEK WHICH I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REALLY DIG INTO SOME MUCH NEEDED HOUSEWORK AND I REALLY LOVE TO SEE A DIFFERENCE WHEN I DO HOUSEWORK SO THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING A COUPLE TIMES. ONE DAY LAST WEEK I GOT TO WANTING TO CHANGE MY KITCHEN AROUND AND WHEN IT COMES TO A KITCHEN THAT IS NOT TOO EASY CAUSE THERE IS NOT MUCH YOU CAN REALLY REARRANGE SO I DID COME UP WITH PUTTING MY KITCHEN TABLE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. FOR EIGHT YEARS I HAVE HAD IT BY THIS PARTICULAR WALL AND SO THAT MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN LOOKS. JUST THAT ONE THING DID THE TRICK TO SATIFIY ME. WOW THAT IS VERY HARD TO DO TOO. BRING ME OUT OF THE DARK WALLS OF DEPRESSION BUT IT DID FOR THAT DAY. THEN I SCRUBED UP THE KITCHEN REALLY GOOD AND WHEN BRITTNEY AND RONNIE COME HOME IT WAS A SURPRIZE TO THEM. A GOOD SURPRIZE CAUSE THEY SEEMED TO OF LIKED IT.

NOT MUCH ELSE REALLY HAPPENING AROUND HERE. RONNIE AND BRITTNEY ARE AT WORK. I HAVE THE ONE LITTLE BOY THAT I BABYSIT FOR HERE. IT WONT BE LONG BEFORE MY GRANDAUGHTER COMES HERE FROM SCHOOL. I HAVE NO IDEAL EVER IF THE BOYS STEPDAD WILL BE HERE BEFORE THE BUS COMES WHETHER I WILL HAVE HIS BROTHER OR NOT.

WE ARE BACK TO HAVING FALL LIKE WEATHER TODAY. IT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL BE THIS WAY THE REST OF THE WEEK. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER HAS COLLEDGE GRAUDUATION ON SATURDAY AND I WAS HOPING THAT DAY COULD BE MORE SPRING OR SUMMER LIKE CAUSE SHE IS HAVING A SMALL PARTY AT HER HOUSE THAT AFTERNOON/EVENING THAT WE ARE GOING TO.

WELL I AM GOING TO GO FOR NOW AND TRY NOT TO BE SO LONG IN GETTING BACK HERE.

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5:50:06 PM EDT

this is brittney's new car!!! i am sooo proud and happy that she was able to get it. we sure held our breath at the car lot. she is a first time buyer with not a real big down payment so it could have either way. my husband co-signed for her so she could get what she wanted. if he hadnt she would have had to get a much cheaper car that might have went to pot very easily. i am not into co-signing for anybody and i havent in all my life but brittney has showed such maturity most of her life that i thought gosh she soooo deserves something really nice. she does for people all the time. she has helped us out with our bills for soooo long and i havent been able to repay her too much for her generiosty so i thought this was the least we could do. she is soooo excited and happy about it all. she is somewhat upset cause she cant take it out of the driveway till tuesday because that is her first day off when the insurance company is opened and they say she has to be there to sign papers. we were hoping they would be open saturday but they arent. i wouldnt mind at all getting it out this weekend and show it off some but i am not into taking chances. my oldest daughter took off with a car my parents bought her years ago without getting insurance on it before hand and it was such a nightmare. speaking of my parents.......it really hurts my feelings and i am sure brittney's too that my mom has never once yet told brittney that she would like to give her some money to put on this car like she has helped and bought for soooo many of her grandchildren. i will never never understand why brittney and i are always treated differently than my sibblings and the rest of the grandchildren. i guess God only knows and i am sure i will not ever found the answer to this. it really breaks my heart and i really get depressed over the difference but i try sooo hard not to think about it cause it will bring me down soooo badly.

 

talking about depression. gosh i have been going through some real serious lows here lately. i hate when i get to feeling like this. sometimes i get to feeling soooo tortured that i really dont know if i can handle it. sometimes i am really scared of myself cause the mental pain is way too much to take. i know a lot of the cause is the financial crisises that my husband and i stay in. i am soooo tired of it. i pray all the time for a break but nothing ever ever seems to come our way. i feel sooo helpless. it has lasted way too long. then there are always that worry and this worry and i try to put it in God's hands but sometimes i just snatch it right back from him and dwell on it till it makes me phyically ill. i put a application in at this hotel the other day. was called in for a interview but no call back afterwards. that is the story of my life!!!! i am tired of it. it was for a morning breaksfast hostess. it was soooo me. a lot of the places that i do applications cant handle the hours i need which is after my grandaughter goes home cause i babysit her. i wouldnt dare say anything to my oldest daughter about maybe having brookie go to this babysitter that she goes to in the morning cause my daughter is sooooo aggresive and mean and i couldnt take it mentally. soooo i deal with it. my oldest daughter holds things against us like if i said anything she would threaten not to have brookie around me and all. its just not worth going through it all to me. a month or so ago she tried to get me to put brookie on the bus in the morning so she dont have to pay this babysitter and i said no and we fought over it for a good few hours. she got sooooo nasty about it. she still tries to fight me about it but so far i have won. i know that most people would just ignore her and not fight with her and call her bluff but i have never been to do that.

 

 

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1:39:27 PM EST

WOW I THINK SPRING MIGHT HAVE REACHED US. THE LAST I LOOKED IT WAS 72 DEGREES!!!! TOO BAD I HAVE A COLD OR VIRUS OR SOMETHING WHICH I HAVE HAD FOR OVER A WEEK NOW. I DID START TAKING SOMETHING NEW THOUGH LAST NIGHT THAT I CANT SPELL AND IT SEEMS TO BE HELPING ME OUT BETTER THAN THE OTHER THINGS THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING. IVE GOT COUGH,SINUS PROBLEMS, AND MAJOR BODY ACHES AND PAINS AND I THINK I WOULD HAVE HANDLED THIS ALL BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE BEEN IF IT WASNT FOR THE ACHES. THAT IS WHAT IS BOTHERING ME THE WORST. HAVENT WENT TO THE DOCTOR CAUSE BRITTNEY WENT OVER A WEEK AGO AND SHE WAS REALLY WORSE THAN ME AND HE SAID SHE JUST HAD A VIRUS. MY HUSBAND GAVE US A BIG HUGE SCARE ONE WEEK AGO. HE PASSED OUT IN THE BATHROOM FOR NO REASON. IT WAS BETWEEN 11 AND MIDNIGHT AND HE WAS SLEEPING BUT GOT UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND JUST PASSED OUT. HE DONE THAT ONE OTHER TIME A FEW YEARS AGO. ALSO IN THE BATHROOM. VERY STRANGE. HE HAS A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT THIS MONDAY TO TALK TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT IT. HE WANTED TO WAIT TO GO SEE HIM AFTER HE STARTED HIS VACATION WHICH HIS FIRST DAY WAS YESTERDAY. HE GOES BACK TO WORK NEXT THURSDAY.

 

LAST SATURDAY BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS GAVE ME A SURPRIZE BIRTHDAY PARTY WHICH I LOVED IT BUT REALLY COULDNT GET INTO IT BECAUSE OF BEING SICK. I FELT BAD BECAUSE I WAS FEELING SOOO DOWN DURNING IT. I RECEIVED LOTS OF NICE STUFF.

 

NEXT WEEK STARTS MY GRANDAUGHTERS SPRING BREAK SO I HOPE TO GET TO FEELING A LOT BETTER BECAUSE NOT ONLY WILL I HAVE HERE ALL WEEK BUT THE TWO BOYS THAT I BABYSIT FOR. THAT WILL DEFINATELY BE MISERABLE IF I DONT FEEL BETTER. I KNOW THAT I AINT ALONE BECAUSE I HAVE READ LOTS OF JOURNALS WHERE THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AND LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME. I AM SUCH A BABY WHEN I DONT FEEL WELL. I AM SURE THAT MY HUSBAND AND BRITTNEY HOPES FOR A RECOVERY SOON ALSO SO THEY DONT HAVE TO HEAR ME WHINE NO MORE. HAHA.

 

 

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1:34:48 PM EST
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing CARTOONS

WELL MY MOM DIDNT STAY THE WHOLE SIX WEEKS AS PLANNED. SHE STARTED SHOWING HER OLD SELF AND HER AND I HAD WORDS FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS IN A ROW. THIS IS NOTHING NEW THOUGH. WE HAVE WORDS A LOT. I THOUGHT THAT SINCE SHE FACED DEATH SOOOO CLOSELY THAT SHE WOULD CHANGE HER WAYS. WELL SHE DIDNT. SHE ENDED UP GETTING MEAN AND AGGRESSIVE AND WE KEPT GETTING INTO IT. MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND TOOK HER OUT FOR LUNCH LAST FRIDAY AND SHE FLIPPED OUT ON THEM TELLING THEM ALL SORTS OF LIES. THIS IS NOT NEW. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I HAVE HAD TO LIVE WITH ALL MY LIFE BUT I MUST HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A FAIRYTALE WORLD THINKING THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT AND SINCE NOBODY STEPPPED UP TO THE PLATE TO TAKE HER IN I WOULD AND IT WOULD GO SMOOTHLY CAUSE OF HER BEING SOOOO SICK. I WAS WRONG. ON FRIDAY SHE BEGGED MY SISTER TO COME STAY WITH HER FOR AWHILE. SHE SAID NO RIGHT AWAY. MY SISTER KNOWS WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE. SHE KNOWS IT WOULD BE MISERABLE. SINCE I TOOK HER IN FOR THREE WEEKS I SOMETIMES THINK MY SISTER REALLY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HER IN FOR THREE MORE BUT THEN AGAIN I DONT BLAME HER. BEFORE SHE LEFT SATURDAY MORNING SHE FLIPPED OUT ON MY HUSBAND AND YOUNGEST DAUGHTER. THAT REALLY HURT ME CAUSE THEY HAVE HAD NO WORDS WITH HER. THEY JUST KEPT QUIET AND TOOK IT. MY DAUGHTER COULDNT TAKE IT NO LONGER FROM HER AND SAT OUT IN THE CAR UNTIL SHE LEFT. I HAVE FELT REALLY DOWN BECAUSE OF IT ALL. MY MOM WASNT REALLY READY TO LEAVE HEALTH WISE BUT SHE JUST COULDNT BEHAVE. SO I GUESS THE BEST PLACE FOR HER IS AT HOME. TO TRY TO DESTRESS OURSELVES BRITTNEY AND I WENT TO THE MALL. TOOK MY GRANDAUGHTER AND BRITTNEY BOUGHT HER SOME EARRINGS AND A EARRING TREE. WE WENT WHERE MY GRANDAUGHTERS MOM WORKS TOO. DONE SOME SHOPPING THERE. IT WASNT TOO LONG AFTER MOM GOT HOME SHE CALLED AND HAS BEEN CALLING SINCE LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED WHICH IS NOTHING NEW TO US EITHER. I JUST WISH MY FAMILY DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. ITS NOT JUST MY MOM. ITS ALL OF THEM. I PRAY ALL THE TIME FOR THEM TO CHANGE.

 

BRITTNEY WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR THE THRID TIME CAUSE SHE CANT SEEM TO GET RID OF THIS UTI. SHE IS ON HER THRID ANTIBOTE. THIS HAS ME REALLY STRESSED OUT TOO. AND SHE TALKED TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT HAVING SEVERE HEADACHES. HE FELT THEY WERE STRESS HEADACHES. HE GAVE HER MEDICATION FOR THAT TOO. THEN SHE STARTED GETTING A SORE THROAT AND A REALLY BAD COUGH SO BACK TO THE DOCTOR SHE WENT AGAIN. SHE GOT SOME MEDICATION FOR DRAINAGE AND A VERY STRONG COUGH SYRUP. HER BOSS MADE HER GO HOME FROM WORK YESTERDAY CAUSE SHE LOOKED AND SOUNDED SOOOO BAD. BUT SHE TROOPED RIGHT BACK IN THERE TODAY. SHE SAYS SHE FEELS BAD NOT GOING TO WORK CAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE SOOOO GOOD TO HER. SHE DOES LOVE HER JOB.

 

MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN FEELING BAD ALSO BUT NOTHING LIKE BRITTNEY. HE HAS BEEN TAKING SUDAFED PE. HE SEEMS TO BE FEELING BETTER. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE IT LIKE MY HUSBAND. I FEEL BAD BUT I KNOW I AINT AS BAD AS BRITTNEY. IVE BEEN TAKING THIS HERB THAT IS GOOD FOR SICKNESSES AND ROBUTTUSSIN. BRITTNEY AND I BOTH SLEPT FROM LIKE 5PM YESTERDAY AND I GOT UP AT 5AM REALLY DRAGGING AND BRITTNEY GOT UP AT 6:30AM FEELING BAD BUT FELT THE NEED TO GO IN STILL. SURE HOPE WHATEVER IS AILING US AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HURRY UP AND TAKE ITS COURSE AND DISAPPEAR.

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6:59:31 PM EST
MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER BRITTNEY TOOK THE WALGREENS NATIONAL CERTIFIED TEST TODAY. PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR HER TO PASS THIS TEST. GOSH SHE STUDIED SOOOO HARD FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS. IVE DONT THINK IVE EVER SEEN ANYBODY PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO ANYTHING IN MY LIFE. SHE STUDIED SOOOO HARD THAT BY LAST NIGHT THAT SHE ENDED UP WITH A SEVERE HEADACHE. SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO BED WHEN SHE GOT OFF WORK. SHE IS WORKING IN THE PHARMACY AND THE NEXT STEP IS TO GET THIS NATIONAL CERTIFICATE. WE TOOK ANOTHER CO WORKER TO THE PLACE ALSO. IT WAS HELD IN A FANCY HOTEL. MY HUSBAND AND I WENT TO THIS RESTRAUNT THAT WAS THERE AND HAD A HUGE BREAKFAST BUFFET. TALK ABOUT SOME GOOD FOOD. THEN WE JUST WALKED AROUND AND SAT AROUND. JUST RELAXED. THE TESTING TOOK OVER 3 HOURS. THEN WE CAME BACK HOME AND ATE LUNCH AND I DID SOME HOUSECLEANING. MY DAUGHTER TOOK A NAP. MY AUNT SAT WITH MY MOM WHILE WE WERE GONE SO SHE DIDNT HAVE TO BE BY HERSELF ALL THE TIME WE WERE GONE.

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8:38:21 PM EST
Feeling Anxious
Hearing listening to nothing but silence

ive gotten through one week and one day with my mom here. some times have been good and some times have not been soooo good. tonight and the other night for some reason that i will probably never figuare out she has been in a real fowl mood. a very agtated mood. both times i have been very exhausted and not able to handle it. i think to myself can i really do this for five more weeks??? i really dont have a choice. if my sister was the one that had took her in she would have bullied everyone in helping out but you cant make her do anything that she dont want to do and what she is wanting to do is stinking nothing. she threw such a fit because she thought she was going to have to take mom to the doctor the other day. screamed and cussed me. this only made me feel worse than i already do. i ended up the next day and writing her a email telling her that she has no choice but to take mom to the doctor when she has to go and if she dont she needs to find some info about help out there in taking her. i let her have a real piece of my mind. i couldnt lay into her in person or on the phone cause as angry as i was feeling i would have only made a fool of myself as i have done in the past. mom ended up not going to the doctor the other day but did today. my sister still was acting like a bear. o how i am soooo disgusted with my family members. i keep a watch on whether she has read this letter and so far she hasnt and i know when she does she is going to be on fire but i dont care. i was honest and said nothing that wasnt true. i let her know that i didnt appreiate her not being there in the emergency room the saturday night that we took her there. even in the waiting room she went elsewhere. i told her that if there is a next time when mom has to go there that i am going to call a ambulance and send mom off and give these people my sister's phone number. that is if my husband cant go with me and if he can then we will just go ourselves and not ask no one else to come there. because of the shape mom is in and it aint her fault i have to tend to her almost like a kid so its a lot of work especially since some of the day i have at least two more kids to tend to. my husband is going to take his vacation at the end of the month. just maybe he can help do something.

 

as if that aint enough our toliet is acting up. i think mom actually put stuff in it and swears that she didnt cause my husband found this plastic tube{small} that her breathing medicne comes in and i found one too. now this is not like her to do this so it has to be like she dont know what she is doing. we plunged it. my husband bought one of those snakes and tried that but still didnt get no where. i am sooooo hoping it was because he dont know what he is doing. a friend is suppose to come over tommorrow morning and fix it. please pray for it to be fixed without any cost than what we already spent which was the snake and the hardware guy showed my husband a better plunger that he bought. i know this might be a very odd thing to pray about but for me its not. im soooo weary of everytime i turn around something has to go wrong. and we dont have the money to do nothing with. o how i wish i could sell this mobile home and get me another apartment. then i would have a maintance man again. that would only happen if God wants us to go that way and i really hope he does cause my nerves are more shot than they ever have been in my life.

 

well i best go for now. it wont be long till i have to go pick up my youngest daughter from work. hope everybody has a great weekend.

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12:29:36 PM EST
i guess today is my day to do some venting. to get some stuff off my chest before i hold it inside like i sometimes do and i just explode. well this is not new stuff to me. i have went through it time after time. i was pretty leary about letting my mom stay with us because of just this kind of stuff. my sibblings arent worth two cents into paying attention to her. this has been a ongoing thing for many many moons. but all my life i only seen her obsess over them soooo many times. and let me tell you that does hurt your feelings after awhile. it has mine but i try must best these days not to let it get to the best of me but sometimes i just aint too good at it. and it is especially hard when she is right here with YOU!!!! ok she hasnt heard from my sister since saturday. she hasnt heard from my brother since sunday. soooo its time as always for her to obsess over this over and over and over and over again. its been going on since last night. i have already had my full of it. soooo i do what i have to for her and go elsewhere in the house so i dont end up losing my mind and go screaming or whatever at her. my sibblings have always been selfish,self centered,worthless in my eyes,heartless,etc,etc,etc......it would hurt me too. i understand 100 percent what she is feeling but gosh give the one that is there a stinking break!!!!! what do you think it makes me feel like when i am the one that has been at her beck and call since thursday and all she can say is she wonders why brenda and tim hasnt called or brenda and tim hasnt done this or that. the only part my sister wants and has is my mom's many checkbooks and stuff like that. i feel my brother is only waiting at the funeral home's door steps waiting for a handout of his inhertance. my brother talks about mom's money and his inhertance all the time so i would think no different than i just said. this is only what i see in my eyes. i could be very wrong but this is all i observe when it comes to the both of them. like i had mentioned when mom had to go to the emergency room my sister refused to even go in the examing room with us until we were about ready to go with mom to be put in her room cause she was going to be admitted. she wouldnt even sit with us in the waiting room. she sat very very away from us. i did tell my mom about this. whether it was right or wrong of me i cant help it cause after these many years of hearing all about my sibblings i am tired of it. i know if my mom goes on and on andon for too long my husband will get tired of it and let harsh words looose. he takes sooooooooo much from people and then when he cant take it no longer he will let it all out. he is a very quiet person but if he cant tolerate something anymore i already know what will be in the future. ive been there. done that many many times. my husband is giving up his sanity for mom. he is giving up his bed for mom. he is giving up a lot for mom to stay her for six weeks. this is exactly why she couldnt live with us permantly cause she would break us all down mentally and we would be no help to her or ourselves. i love my mom but she is sooooo hard to get along with sometimes. she has such a negative outlook. i thought soooo much that she might chance a bit since she came soooo close to death but she didnt. i guess she needs a lot of prayers and so does my husband and youngest daughter and me so we can get through this time she will be here.

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7:42:34 PM EST

MY MOM CAME BACK HERE FOR THE SECOND TIME THURSDAY. GOSH SHE LOOKED AND ACTED WORSE THAN WHEN SHE CAME HERE THE FIRST TIME AFTER THE COLON SURGEY. BUT SHE HAS SEEMED TO BE DOING SOMEWHAT BETTER NOW THAN SHE DID ON THURSDAY.  BUT......IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME THAT IT WILL TAKE A GOOD LONG TIME BEFORE SHE SHOWS MUCH OF A IMPROVEMENT. I FEEL SOOOO DEPRESSED AND FEEL SUCH PANIC WHEN IT COMES TO ALL THIS. MAYBE THINGS WOULD NOT BE SOOOO BAD IF I HAD SIBBLINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL MORE AT COMFORT WHEN IT CAME TO HELPING ME OUT WITH MY MOM. LIKE IF I HAD A SIBBLING THAT WOULD SAY OR FEEL THEY HAD MY BACK IF THINGS GOT WORSE. BUT NO I HAVE SIBBLINGS THAT REALLY DONT SEEM TO CARE ONE BIT. I KNOW THAT I SHOULD BE USED TO IT CAUSE THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS WHEN IT COMES TO ANYBODY. THEY ARE SOOOOOO SELF CENTERED BUT IVE NEVER REALLY HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS KIND OF SERIOUS STUFF WITH A PARENT. THERE WAS ALWAYS HELP TO SOME DEGREE WITH MY DAD. I TOLD MY HUSBAND TO PLEASE HURRY AND PUT IN FOR HIS VACATION WHEN THE TIME COMES THAT HE CAN TAKE ONE WHICH AINT TILL THE END OF MARCH BUT MAYBE I CAN HOLD ON TILL THEN. AND MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER SAID SHE WILL CHECK INTO TAKING SOME OF HER VACATION TIME AS SOON AS POSSIABLE. I THINK SHE CAN ACTUALLY TAKE HER TIME OFF BEFORE MY HUSBAND. MY HUSBAND WILL HAVE THE WEEKENDS TO HELP OUT AND MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER WILL HAVE TWO DAYS A WEEK TO HELP IF NEEDED.

 

TODAY HAS BEEN A CALM LAZY DAY. DONE PRETTY MUCH THE NORMAL EVERYDAY THINGS AROUND HERE. CLEANED HOUSE. DONE LAUNDRY. TOOK MY YOUNGEST TO WORK AT NOON. WILL BE PICKING HER UP AT 8:30PM. MOM GAVE ME MONEY TO BUY ALL OF US BREAKFAST AT MCDONALD'S. MADE HER SUPPER WHICH WAS SOUP. SHE DOESNT HAVE A VERY GOOD APPEITITE YET. MY GRANDAUGHTER SPENT THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT AND HASNT BEEN GONE FOR TOO LONG. I TOLD HER SHE COULD SPEND ANOTHER NIGHT BUT SHE WANTED TO GO HOME. SOOOO THAT HAS BEEN MY DAY. I GUESS NOT TOO MUCH TO WRITE HOME ABOUT.

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