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Hearing I'm like gravy to potato, Luke to Darth Vader...MOPO
Food as A Sport
story from SI.com
2. Baseball locker room dares:
Milk might do a body good, but only in moderation. That was the lesson learned on Sunday by a Marlins bat boy. Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny bet the unidentified bat boy $500 that he couldn't drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour without throwing up. Several Dodgers teammates kicked in cash to raise the booty to $1,000. The batboy managed to down the beverage in time but couldn't fulfill the second half of the bargain. This is merely the latest example that baseball players have far too much free time on their hands.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/pete_mcentegart/08/23/ten.spot/index.html
Not a pretty Penny, indeed. Two Minute Warning hopes that they paid the kid off anyhow.....vomiting up a gallon of milk with Sports Illustrated watching is worth $1000...especially when it's all Millionaire Money. The money sort of takes the sting out of the loss of prestige that few batboys can afford.
I love food challenges. I don't know her name, but the Japanese person who can eat like 700 hot dogs in an hour....big hero of mine. She/he (I truly forget) might weigh 105 pounds, too...apres contest.
I used to work at a school where things were conducted differently than they are at most schools you know. One year, I taught History from a kitchen (our very small school was in an office building, and we had an advertising firm-kind of kitchen with big tables). The other rooms were filled, and the room I was supposed to have was being remodeled by the student body.
I also did a lot of the school's cooking, and it was better for everyone involved if I could teach near the stove. An army travels on its' stomach, you see... and in the kitchen, I whup ass like General Patton.
One of the jobs I had was regulating the fridge. Can't let food go to waste, especially on a budget. So, if something was going stale and I was aware of it, I'd make sure we ate it all before it went too close to the expiration date.....usually by laying it out on the table during class, and allowing the kids to eat as I taught.
A lot of these kids had no food in the fridge at their home, and I'd rather have a fed A- student than a polite, hungry A student. I'm French... and I'm a Mother, you know.
Anywhooo....when you have that much exposure to food, it wasn't unusual for it to get involved in lessons I was doing (or counseling, once I added a few degrees....I kept the kitchen as a secondary office, and many a kid told me their problems while I was chopping onions for 5 gallons of chili).
I often had to explain to official state observers why a kid would get up- in the middle of my lecture- and make himself an egg sandwich....and I would not only allow it, but I would have him get me a cheese wedge while he was in the fridge.
Sounds strange, but no one ever skipped my class.... even/especially the blazers, and they skipped most of the other classes. I'd explain my logic, show the state a few test scores, and they stayed out of my hair for most of the time I was actively teaching.
I keep my husband around- and his mother away- with the same method...plus sex and children.
One of the fun parts of mixing students, food, and current events would be the occasional food challenge. They'd see that Japanese girl win those contests (she's won a bunch in a row, sort of the Tom Brady of throating a sausage), and they'd think they could beat the record.
Boasts were made, challenges were issued, money would go onto the table, and goddamnit if there wasn't a food challenge about to happen.
Now, this stuff is dangerous....and although I technically AM a doctor- though not in any operate-on-a-dying-kid manner- it was a bad idea, and, had I been fired for it, I wouldn't have argued my dismissal. It wasn't the thing to be doing with the State'stime....however fun it may have been.
It's legally child abuse, I think....but it's really funny to see a kid try to eat.:
- 3 big pretzels in 3 minutes, 30 seconds, with no water. I'm not talking those skimpy Bachman's Pretzel Sticks that you can wedge between your upper teeth and gums to get that Walrus Look....no, I'm talking about dipping into the money on the table and sending someone (who had already completed that day's lesson) out the side door to the street pretzel vendor.
If you've never tried this- DON'T! While vomit generally tends to steam on cold New England mornings (the human body maintains a temperature in the 99 area, and the stomach- with the acid needed to break down and digest food- is even hotter), there is something extra-sickening about additional steam rising from steaming vomit.
- 5 really big glasses of milk in 3.5 minutes. The rate of intake- and the time allowed to do so- was bitterly negotiated by the student body on all food challenges. I've seen a kid refuse to lay 25 cents on the table because another kid insisted on drinking from cups instead of banging down the whole gallon in one long chug-a-lug.
The vomit from this- for lack of a better term- was ectoplasmatic.
- 6 packages of Hubba Bubba, all chewed at once and successfully blown into a giant bubble. This isn't as cruel as it sounds, and the kid- who was slightly taller than your average NBA small forward- could have easily acomodated 1-3 more packages.
He won the bet and took home the money....although if you've never seen a medicine ball-sized bubble explode on the face/hair/chest of a 16 year old kid with a Ben Wallace style afro, you can't have any idea just how funny it was when the bubble- quite literally- burst.
It took 3 girls 3 hours and 3 jars of peanut butter to clean him, and it remains to this day the second funniest thing I have ever personally seen (the funniest, Shea having a hot fudge sundae accidentally mashed into her face by my husband- and her angry and very French reaction to it afterwards- will be a future Journal entry).
(Editor's Note..... While at a party at Worcester State College, I saw a Duxbury friend- Wolfy D- drink 8 beers in a rigidly-timed 1.79 seconds out of an (previously unused) enema bag. The school record had been 6 in 1.65 seconds. He also didn't vomit....although he ordered 5 pizzas from Domino's, then passed out before they were delivered.)
(Sort of like this, but much, much faster)
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dong that was also on MTV's Jackass before it was inked
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obviously one of them watch A&E's "Inked" Because that's where they got it from two of the guys bet the other guy that he couldn't drink a gallon of milk in 1 hour. They copied off of them. even though they did not invent the dare. Penny and co. copied it off of "Inked", big time.
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I saw worse things than that....including a kid who climbed down a dorm wall to throw a brick of firecrackers into the dorm room of a friend who was having his girlfriend over for the first time. This was just food/drink related.
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(Editor's Note..... While at a party at Worcester State College, I saw a Duxbury friend- Wolfy D- drink 8 beers in a rigidly-timed 1.79 seconds out of an (previously unused) enema bag. The school record had been 6 in 1.65 seconds. He also didn't vomit....although he ordered 5 pizzas from Domino's, then passed out before they were delivered.)
Cute. Every year, some college nerd dies of alcohol poisioning.
Alcohol is a depressant. If you drink enough fast enough, you die. Funny how alcohol can shut major organs down. Even the voluntary ones like the lungs. But I can't explain all that to anyone with the upper knowledge of going to college.
Lew
8/24/05 8:51 PM