~*~tHiS GiRL's LiFe~*~

Subject: Goodbye
Time: 7:44:43 PM EST
Author:  carolynl1983
Mood:  Sad

I just wanted to let everyone know this will be my last journal entry.  I will be moving and not have AOL where I am going.  As you probably know my BF and I have broken up.  I am heartbroken but I will get through it.  I am looking forward to my new life-working hard, hopefully going to college, and spending time with friends and family, going to church, having fun.  So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read my journal...thanks for the comments and encouragement and kind words.  And also thanks for the opportunity to read your journals.  I got to learn about people all over the country from all ages and walks of life, I hope you enjoyed reading my journal as much as I enjoyed reading yours. 

If you would like to e-mail me my e-mail is carolynl1983@yahoo.com.

 

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Subject: Life
Time: 11:25:37 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Life is very crazy.  My BF has now decided that he can't be in a relationship because he needs to concentrate on himself.  I am heartbroken, but I am getting over it.  We have been together for 3 years.  He comes home Wednesday.  I am getting through it because I have been through so much in my life that I can handle anything.  Everything happens for a reason, and everything always works out for the best.  I keep telling myself that over and over... 

I don't even have a car, so I guess this weekend I am going to have to get one.  I want to get a Saturn Ion because through my work I get a discount on all GM vehicles.  I want to get as old as possible so it's not so expensive, but I only get the discount on 2005-2007.  I don't have much money to put down and my credit is terrible, so I hope I will be able to afford it.  But I need to take advantage of the discount because sure, I could get an older, cheaper car, but if it breaks down on me and I still have to pay more money to get it fixed and it won't be worth it.

My plan is to move in with my friend S for a few months until my new friend A and I get a place.  We are looking at an apartment complex that is right across the street from my work, which is perfect.  I am also thinking of going to college, my work will pay for it if I go for Business.  I want to do the online courses.  That will be in time though...

I have just been keeping busy, to keep myself distracted.  Friday night I went out to eat and had a couple drinks with some friends then went and saw "The Departed".  Very crazy movie, but very good.  Saturday A and I got a pedicure and our eyebrows done.  Sunday we celebrated my Grandma's 85th b-day by going to Macaroni Grill and then went shopping.  I bought a couple pairs of jeans and some tops at Macy's.  I've probably been spending money I shouldn't, but it makes me feel better when I feel like I look good.

I am still having some pain from my surgery, but it is much more tolerable.  I saw the surgeon last week and he said everything is healing good so far.

Work is super crazy, busy and stressful, but I wouldn't have it any other way, if I was sitting around being bored it would be terrible.

 

Here is a pic I took at work today. 

Tata for now...

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Subject: SOOO Bored
Time: 7:27:36 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

I really can't believe how bored I am.  I have been sitting home doing absolutely nothing since Wednesday.  It would be different if I could clean, or do my laundry, or something but I can't.  I was instructed to take it easy, plus I am in pain and it hurts to do anything.

I did leave today to pick up my mail and I went to the store to get my cat food.  THAT'S IT.  For some reason none of my friends have come by to see me the past couple days. 

I have been on the phone for hours and hours the past few days.  Calling friends, family, you name it, just trying to pass the time.  I am sick of TV, sick of the internet, the phone, books.  I know I will look back at this time when I am back in work and WISH I was back here, home relaxing, but I just can't get into it. 

Sorry for such a boring entry.  But then again, there are some people who write entries like this all the time, so I shouldn't feel so bad. 

HEE HEE

Oh, here's one of the pics my dad sent me from the Keys of my friend and I:

Toodles~

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Subject: Surgery update
Time: 9:37:52 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Some cool Halloween tags from http://journals.aol.com/nightmaremom/Thisandthatandhockey/...

So I had my anal fistulotomy surgery (again) yesterday.  I was very surprised that my hospital visit went very well.  I went to a different hospital this time, Holy Cross, and it was excellent.  The nurses were very caring.  One even asked my mom to leave the room and asked if I was going through any domestic violence.  She said she asked because I am a female and so young.  I thought that was nice because if I was going through it, that might have encouraged me to go and get help.  Sometimes people have nowhere else to turn.

They put this cool massaging thing on my leg to improve my circulation and it was very relaxing.  A chaplain even came and prayed for me since it is a Catholic hospital.  I got to stay in the room with my mom until they took me in for surgery.  At the other hospital I had to spend hours with a bunch of other people in beds lined up against the wall and no one could be with me.  They sedated me right before I went in to surgery, so I don't even remember them putting the mask on me.  I woke up in the recovery room.  The last time I woke up in the surgery room and was awake as I was being wheeled into post-op.  When the Dr. came to tell me what he did I was still sleeping so he told my mom.  Last time the Dr. took off and no one had a clue what he did.

Also my specialist is really nice and KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT.  He said my fistula was much larger than normal so when they cut it they only got part of it.  He is confident I will never have to go through this again.  So happy about that.

Then the nurses gave me a sitz bath so I don't have to climb in and out of the tub to soak.  They also gave me special gauze pads and a pad to lie on my bed so I don't bleed on everything.  The other hospital told me I could use gauze pads, they basically told me I had to go to the store and get them.

I am going to write a letter to the hospital and tell them what a nice experience I had.  Everyone calls or sends letters to complain but not to tell them about a good experience, so I want to do that.  They deserve it.

So my mom took me home and hung out with me for a little while.  Then my friend K and her mother stopped by for a minute.  Tonight my friend S is coming by to visit me and watch a movie with me.  Even though there are things I don't like about my friends, they are good to me and care about me.  I also have made a new friend the past few weeks, A, and she is a nice girl.  She goes to church, works full-time and goes to college.  That is the kind of person I need to be friends with, not one who is a psycho party person.

So my pain is not bad, though I'm not sure because I am hopped up on painkillers so I can't feel anything any way.  I was afraid to go to sleep last night because the other time I couldn't stop hallucinating from the drugs.  So I ended up going to bed at 5 AM.  I talked to my friend in MD for a few hours until 2 AM and my brother for an hour (he works a night shift).  That is about it.  I have to take tomorrow from work unpaid which makes me mad, but what can I do? 

I am just happy that this Dr. thinks I won't be having another one of these surgeries...I will just be sitting around so I'm sure you'll see more entries from meee...

 

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Subject: Pics from the Keys...
Time: 4:53:05 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Yes, I did end up going to the Keys this weekend.  My Dad got married on a sunset cruise Fri night.  It was really nice.  Saturday we drove to Key West for the day (we were in Key Largo, which is about 1 1/2-2 hours away).  Last night my friend and I went and had some drinks at Coconut's.  Then today we left and came home.  We wanted to rent jet-skis or something but I ended up getting something (it's either heat stroke, an allergic reaction or sun poisoning) so I didn't want to be in the sun so there was nothing else to do besides be in the sun.  It was way hotter there and they are only like 100 miles south of me.  These are just some pictures I took from my camera phone. 

View from the room, it was on the intracoastal

My new tat...not really, it's henna.  It will take a few weeks to wear off.  My friend and I got them together b/c her BF's name is Jay too.  I think people thought we love the same guy.

Sunset from the boat

Me on Duval Street

Otherwise, things are OK I guess.  I am scheduled to have my anal fistulotomy surgery on Wednesday.  I hope they will still be able to do it with this "thing" I have on my arms.  It is really disgusting-looking.  I have all these little red bumps on the lower part of my arms and a few welts and it's itchy and burning...like I don't have enough medical problems lol...

TTFN

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Subject: So much for being happy..
Time: 10:44:00 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Had to go to the ER tonight b/c I think that damn thing came back, at least it feels like it has.  I was in pain today and couldn't take it.  I couldn't get an appt to see the specialist until next Friday, which coincidentally is the day I was supposed to be leaving work early to go to the keys for my dad getting married (he is flying down from Kansas, just him and his woman).  So now I will have to leave work @ 11 AM, go to the Dr's, then drive a couple hours w/ my friend and make up 5 1/2 hrs during the week b/c I have no vacation time due to these damn surgeries.  On top of that, I have no vacation time to use for another surgery and I can only get disability if I use 2 weeks vacation time first.  It's all very distressing, and I don't want to have another surgery. 

In good news though, my BF sounds so so so happy...happier than I've heard him in like a year.  He is doing good and really working on himself and I couldn't be prouder.  I am counting the day until he comes home so we can re-start our relationship...make it like it was, before the drugs.  The only thing that concerns me is since he is in recovery he is not supposed to drink which means I can't if I want to support him.  Not that I am a lush, but I like to have some drinks once in a while, like on the weekends.  I guess I can go out and do that with my friends, just not do it at home.  He apologized to me and I could hear how sincere he really is.  The bad stuff was all caused by the drugs and as long as he never, ever does them again we will have no problems.  I really love him.  I was looking forward to him leaving and now that he is gone I know that he is the one I am supposed to be with.  No one is perfect and I have done a million things I am not proud of, and look at who I am today.  He was really worried about me having to get surgery and said if I do he will leave the re-hab and come home but I told him not to.  He needs to concentrate on himself-I have plenty of family and friends to take care of me.  I am just sick of always being in pain. 

I hope things go better for me for more than a week...

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Subject: Going high-speed...
Time: 12:36:58 AM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

I am so excited, starting Tuesday I am going to have high-speed internet!

Comcast has a special for 24.95 a month plus free install for a year.  I am paying 17.95 a month for AOL plus 45.00 for the phone bill, since I have a cell phone I will be getting rid of the house phone so that will save me money.  AOL of course will be free since I will have another internet connection.  At least something is making these advertisements in here useful!  Plus since my mom works at Comcast her friend looked into it for me and I am getting full digital cable including HBO, Cinemax, Showtime etc. for a year for around 40.00 a month for a year.  I was paying 70.00 for basic digital which only had like 100 channels, not including any movie channels.  Plus since I have paid my bill on time they are giving me back my deposit so I won't be paying the TV bill until like December.  Probably sounds stupid, but I am so excited.  Of course the most excited about the internet.  I am not going to read any journals or e-mails until Tuesday when I won't have to sit and wait what seem like hours for graphics to load.  I am so happy LOL

My boyfriend left today, I took him to the airport.  It was sad but at the same time I am relieved-he is too.  I had to talk to his father for like an hour tonight, that sucked.  I am pretty close with him so it didn't suck talking to him, but it sucked because of what it was about.

So tonight I made myself a yummy salad, I cooked chicken and added fresh lemon, salt and pepper to it and my salad had tomatoes, carrots, celery, mushrooms, croutons etc. in it.  I got that new salad spritzers stuff in Balsamic and it was sooo good.  Then I did my laundry, I have to go to the laundromat in the complex since I don't have a washer/dryer in here.  It sucked b/c there were no machines available and I had to remove someone's stuff and it reeked of mildew.  Plus there sheets had stains all over it-ewww.  Then I got stuck in the torrential downpours-I looked like a drowned rat just running back to the car.

Tomorrow I am going to go to a local bar with a few friends and watch the Dolphins game.  I am not a huge sports fanatic, but I'll watch games if I can do so in a fun place and with friends.  I won't sit home and watch it by myself.  Guess I am not a true "Dolfan" LOL

I cancelled my sigmoidoscopy because it turns out they already did that when they did my operation and I am feeling fine.  Also my work does this thing once a year where we give them our blood and they do like 50 tests (they also take $20 a month off our insurance for doing it) and my results came back great.  If I had cancer my liver counts would be high and if I had Crohn's I would have low iron.  So I am done with this medical crap, yay!

So my "different life" is off to a good start so far.  I am pretty happy so far. 

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Subject: Who me, stressed?  Nah...
Time: 9:10:35 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Not much to say really...

Work is going OK.  I am getting better at ignoring those rude women I work with, plus this new guy started so we can talk about how stupid they are.  LOL

I still don't have a car.  My credit is really bad, so I am going to have like an 18% interest rate.  I am going to put $500 down (Mom, Dad and brother contributed) plus try to get something for my car.  I test drove an '04 Hyundai Sonata and I loved it, but they wanted me to pay $260 a month for 72 months.  No thanks.  I only want to pay $200 a month.  I am going to look at Hondas and Toyotas too because they are good cars and even if I get an older Civic it will be cheaper and still last me a while.  But there is no rush because...

The problem I've been having with my BF is that he's been doing drugs behind me back.  He doesn't treat me bad or anything, but that has been the issue.  I knew it was going on and he kept lying to me.  He is going to a re-hab like 6 hours away on Saturday so I will have his car because they are flying him in so I don't have to worry about getting one.  I want to just leave him and move in with my friend, but he begged me not to.  So I am going to stay at the apartment until he comes back and then discuss where we are going from there.  I have just been tired of it, I miss being happy and doing things, he's been miserable and doesn't want to do anything and it's depressing.  So we'll see what happens.  I am looking forward to the time apart.  I will just work and go out with my friends and have fun and enjoy life.  So that's that.

My dad is flying down to get married next month, he will be like 2 hours south of me in Key Largo.  He is getting married on a Friday, how convenient I have to work.

Health is OK-I see the specialist next week and have the sigmoidoscopy and I'm done with all that.

I went out with my friends last weekend and had fun. Here are the pics:

So that is about it for me.  I am down to 77 e-mails and trying to keep up with all the alerts.  I'll have plenty of time in the next 35-45 days starting Saturday LOL.

 

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Subject: What a joke...
Time: 8:07:25 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

Ernesto was nothing-barely even a tropical storm...We had more rain and wind a couple weeks ago...Ah well, take the good with the bad, I got off work and it wasn't taken out of my vacation!

Right before "Ernesto"

Last weekend I got a thing in the mail about getting a free make-over and beauty products from Clinique so I got a make-over.  Here are the pics:

I still have no car, and I am broke, so I'm sort of depressed.  The biopsy came back that I have eczema (which makes no sense since it's a tiny bump and doesn't even itch) but whatever.  The called me in a prescription but I have no $ so I can't buy it.  I am trying to be positive and have faith but I feel so down right now...

But things always work themselves out for the best, and I know that when things are going great for me again I will appreciate them.  Until then I will just try to be patient.

I have like 150 e-mails including some alerts, but I haven't had the chance to get to them...I will, maybe this weekend.

Toodles..

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Subject: Another hurricane coming...
Time: 7:28:33 PM EDT
Author:  carolynl1983

This storm (Ernesto) is not looking so good for us...They have it hitting Homestead (Miami, where Hurricane Andrew hit) and then going straight up through us.  We are under a tropical storm warning and hurricane watch right now, but they definitely think it will become at least a '1' hurricane before we get hit.  We'll be getting hit Tues night/Wed morning.  I hate my job-everyone else I know who has a job is not to go to work if there is a hurricane warning, and we have to go in even if there is one.  My radiator busted on my car, I am not pouring any more money into it, so I am carless.  I am going to save up for a new one.  Even at lunch today the lines for gas were all the way down the road...We're going to wait until like midnight to go get gas tonight, hopefully the stations that are out of gas will be filled up by then...That's about it for now...feeling stressed...

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