Life and Lessons

8:18:19 AM EDT

Just so busy and overwhelmed with life and docter appointments. there has been one each day this week, i woke up ealry to post since it will be last post intill i get back from vaction. a liitle behind and not packed yet either, well i had a balance test on tuesday witch was  not normal and another werid ttest vng who knows about those results. still did pyscail therpy and to  the chripracter and a few other things, i speak to my lawyer on tuesady a phone conference, cause i got me some issues, never a dull oment in my life. its crazy and i am challenged with all my problems, and since verything is a catch 22 goodness me, and my troubles, well i will be leaving saturday and coming back on 23 ? well a bit vaction hubby says its work, caseu it will be busy, i finally am going to floridia with my son, and since he was two i wanted to take him but could not, now he is nine, and i am looking forward to  it, tell me not to cry becaseu of my happiness, i will try not to. regardless of pain and limitiaons i will haev to make the best of it, i am doing well without the brace but wrist still hurts, back still hurts too and foot well i guess it has chemcail pain, i will be taking muscle relaxers,, wish me luck. well one day i will get to journals, ,,, in pain limited my computer time and funtion, spasms pervent me so much ,,, alerts will stay on and well if its a clogged up email sitauion, i will laugh it off, maybe i can chacek ,y mails in Fl,

stay well j alnd be back soon, look forward to playing catch up when i retrun,,

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7:33:49 PM EDT
Feeling Crushed

I just wanted to thank all whom do support and help me through all comments and such, its great to have freinds here in journal land, even though at times i feel like a casper frinedly ghost not visitng much nor commenting to anyone at this time, but i am sure who do understand the issues, i am facing, i am sure evryone is just so busy,

well another week ahead i wil be faced with many docters appointments once agin and there are one for  everyday, and in between i have to pack for floridia and thats a job fo rmy me and my brain and body.

today was rough had to go tthe store, and shop a few things, i still feel gulit on spending moeny its a horrible feeling for sure, my brain was hurting only went to one store a bout a hour or so , ia mf eeling tired, and i am trying to walk normal, without favoring my other leg. it seems my walk is so much diffrent then its use to be, wither foot or barin causeing this, is eem to keep trying, not htinking but jsut doing, i fee like a snail my body hruts so bad and so agin the foot, weak legs, i am worried, but i keep at it, between the back and the brain what s the issues and many issues, i seem to fight with the pain, its amazing, what a rug can do to you and you can no longer have it, well to sickness, my downfall to able to disabled, ,  iam very down with my sprit and saddness, i have much on my mind, and when one is tried, goodness nothing gets done, is truggle everyday, i try not to think to much, only to think myself to sleep,

 the wrist i seem to write a bit i can print abit, no cursive, , and its not raing so when its raining, nothings happen, still havenot tried to use left hand. what many months ago were things easier yea crimnal of couser but it was easier, now disbaled and nothing is simple, and i am faced with many challenges each day, i am fighting with keep my journal public, but i really do not know how much more time i have before i have to go private, i do fear a bit but i still haev my courage to keep writing. i think anything i do i will be trhown under the bus., corrections, and suffering and losing a battle i so much want to win.

i haev no answer to the journey i am on, and i ahev no answer to others what one can do to me and when i talk i talk the truth and when i write i write the truth,  and when i live my life, i do not hide from the truth, and my whole life is to me is telling the truth,  and crufied one day issomething i rather not experience, but one day it will happen i hope i will be jsut has strong has i am in this journal,

i do have things on my journy i would like to do, but slow brain and pain distractions, seem to be in my way of getting anything done, anything expressed,

i am a amercain ia m a mother ia m a fighter and i am a lion i am a step mom i am wife i am adomestic violence survior, I am a head injury survior i am a person whom will risk all for a bit of justic, I am a person whom wants some of the laws changed, I am a person who supports the medcail pot law for new jersey, I am a person whom does not have a answer but  a journey i seem to be on , truth can crufiy one,  copyright 2008 c, l,

thats all today, cramping and suffering today,

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8:11:29 PM EDT
Feeling Distraught

yesterday was hard for me three appontments, first chripracter then Dr G brain doc, then pyshcail therpy. well counted them one by one one till the last one, neck cracked back cracked but hurt, and still do not walk very well, pain pervents me and weakness to, things be so unbearble, but i keep trying, well anyway, the secound docter well helps me much and does look out for me, helps me relaize mcuh, and when in deep thought, my sitauioon is not just complicated with the limitaions and the motherhood, evrything is a catch 22 and sad sure it is and sad and in pain sure i am, legal complications of such later on what i say and do and what others say, will throw me under the bus. take all in considertaion, and no answer do i seem to have or not a clear one, labled for life it seems and correction are useless, and when i tried so very hard to prove myself it will only devast me,  i hol dmuch trauma from my past and the darkness of the cloud creptted up on me, not only did the judgeemnts. destroy me whne at one time i only suffered from some depression, chroinc depression from trauma others caused me, the lable will destroy me and no i will nevr have my son back becaseu of this, trauma is traum and in my heart and soul i am traumatized, by others judgements, my docter does help me and well truth to others may help me through a truth of affadavit to be written and given to a few chosen ones and that will help but the damage is done, and my futrue life will always be uncertain, and motherhood, that i so deprestaly want and had a small chance in my son llife for two years now he is nine, i was not only not given a chance i cann ot do what i was usspose to do and i tried so very hard, in the past few years, now i relaize others tramatized me for the rest of my life and not only that, a mother whom nver will be, only a fraction becaseu the trauma damaged  me this much, i am lost for words.  and my heallth will be thrown all over he place, and judged soo very wrong, correction, will lead me to corruption of my soul,a nd well sadder my son still does not have a healthy mother . depression chronic and 5 hed injurys, and pyschial limitaions and the rest, how unfair it is, i have the heart so very heavy, i cried all day yesterday and between head pain and not focusing i continue to cry, a thosand tears, of damamge and heart ahce, i let my self down in so many ways, catch 22 all acrross the board, if not one thing its another, and the only thing that i have is my faith and i want other reliaze the damage that has been caused by other peoples actions and injustic,  if my affdavit will help me or damage me more, i haev no clue, but healing what is that. i have no clue, scarred for life, no one will ever give me a chance or will they, if one granted me a pardon on my case , and someone said to me, be better and you can have your son back, i am sure my depression will be so less and i can recover, if someone asked why i am so sad, its not only being away from my son, its the judgements placed upon me. is perventing me and other request i can not fill, so everything i say everything i do or have done will be used aginst em in court of law,

my pain is bad and heart is verty sad, and tears of thousands i haev creid, and i am lost for owrds, and i have not no smile on my face, at all, i lost the fight of wellness and sickness will destroy me if i can not heal from past trauma that over power a soul of a mother, id o show courage in all my efforts abd i still haev a roar, courage is my best friend but truth  is os improatnt for my hreat,

not much today will get done hope one day i catch up on  the journals, tom mcuh for me, today being limited as much has i am.

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8:09:47 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

today and everyday as been truely diffcult. saturday and sunday was diffcult, saturaday was hard to clean and i was in so much pain, i could barely get through the day, so exshausted, and  eah day i struggle. my hubby is supportive and hes the wonderful man whom gives me uncounditonal love, though it seems we do struggle. he never shows it on the outside, one income. and well he wants to build house, and with  only one income it will be hard,  its great to look forward to things getting better, the motherhood truama may only be worse for me, but a mother who one day will correct, even be more crufied. then one wants to be, i do fear the wrth of the wolf pack and in my histroty of saddness and judgement, i have right to be this way, there is no justic, and when time will be my son will 18 years old, he is 9 and he is strong, but mommy moments are missed,  and not any amount of money can fix this damage. i feel those judged me wrong. and well this trauma puts me in the saddness.

i had gone to the docter back. for adjustments,a nd papers are so many to fill out. and goodness hand in brace, some not understand questions, and trying to remember how one feels, dizzy and when i bend down and get up or sit down and get up i left the bend down get up, goodness,. my docter is nice and she mention to me i been through enough to have faith and of course i do, hard tiems hard to be postive, buti try.

tomarrow 3 docter appointments.a nd well i am overhwelmed a whole lot. suspose to go on vaction on the 9th to 22, give me a break from docter appointments, and spend some time with my family. the bvaction is to floridia, and its special, and the resaon it is specaul when he was 2 years old, i had some money but whole many restrictions, and could not take him anywheree,  for over a year, thats what a mother gets who only wanted to protect my child, judgeemnt wrong. so this vaction is specail for me and my son and hubby.

tomarrow my docters appointmetn will be intresting much on my mind, at times i think i should no longer talk for what i say will be used aginst me in court , thats in justic in its own one who talks to get help smack in the face for talking, and why do i not want to talk. losing my comuter on day if those who want my information is possible, but i try to keep public, i guess my whole journal could get me with more isues then i want, but if you look closer i suffer torisk to tel the truth and trauma i am trying to heal, and make best of my life. , could i evre fix what was done. a lawyer woudl cost me thosands of dollars, and if i can take care of myself on daily basais i will not be able to get my son bcak., the list of requirements are many. and i fill none, why i am sad.

thoase want me to work and i want to heal and fix my problems and take care better myself, and my heath, sending me in distress will only put me in the hospital, the less stress the better, its not easy to fix messed up papers,

the one questions or things or avenuse to take on my journey. are many. goodness, trails of trials path of light path of darkenss,

suuffer sickly and trying hard to feel better what is better when i suffer. my papers are a mess. and chores need to be done and this brain wants to check out and not work, tell me how hard it will be to pack my suitcase when a brain will not work propley, goodness, one weeka nd i will be overhwelmed till i go waway with docter appointments, tir me, reckless,

goodnews my friend from chciago called me after forever long time, its a mircle, suspose to send her a care package, since she lost everything in a fire in march, well she is one in a million, i know i can reallya fford it, but, small gestrue will make her happy.

my wrist hurst firece and no cursive writinf, i can print a bit with the right hand, trying to use left hand, and its hard, pain in the neck and back just distracts me so,

i have no to do list, and if i try to print how much can i do till the pain overwhelms me then my thoughts wil be piled one on top of another, and this brain has so much to write and rembeber, but, i am having such a hard time with the brainc ompass,,,

i feel i let myself down becaseu i can not work, and i feel horrible, not able to give and to have, hubby does much, but there are things i would like to to do for my son. and if i had a job i would be able to, do, with my own money, i do conserve, but conserve sickly. with guilt to spend someones else is money.

 i know if i was working, and my house would be easier to build,

i idd go to store today and i am eshausted from that and docters to, toimarrow will be a challenge for sure

thanks for reading and saying prayers for me and my famliy and the comment keep me going,.and enoy the friendships, pardon me for not visitng things been complicated, i think of evryone and hope oppne day i catch up,and revisit everyone. my wrist hurts now and spasm in the back must cut this short can not sit no more, or type, will post agin when i have the moment

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1:53:33 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
my back is messd up and the chripracter made that clear to me,  more hterpy fro me and more x rays and test that i will need , too, i am overhwemed much could i just have one problem instead of ten or 12 goodness, hubby pays co pays, goondess, just wednesday my docter wanted me to find  a job, i laugh becaseu i can not work in this bad shape brian and back and hand, what in the world, i am stressed once agin, and monday is one day nothing planned tuesday back docter wednesday 3 docters thursday one and friday one, and that is not ocunting the appointment i need for the cervic test and hand surgeon , or medcail docter. goodness, i feel like i am famous only with the docters, goodness more co pays i can not afford, thanks goodness hubby as medcail insurance becaseu if he did not i woudl not get treatmnet. i am sad i think hubby is going to be broke, i am not working, and goodness poor hubby pulls all the wieght, and cut corners goodness ,,,,, i thik i casue myhubby stress not wanting to and not feeling effeint, i wish not torment myself but i do, and if you were me, you would be on a pity potty to, well thought to post cause i am overwhelmed.

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10:12:27 AM EDT
Feeling Crushed

i hate to live in the past and i do so try to heal and in all my heart i want to fix the things  that woudl make me a better mother, being judged medcailly would be the hardest, i have to one day correct this and i have no clue how, is it that simple , or that diffcult, or so very complicated, its all,  and when i talk and write its damaging me, but i coniute to express the woes of my heart, how can some things be changed for the better,, i really can not live in a split life, i want a whole life not spilt, but my efforts of improvement i do not think is good enough and thats harsh, being afraid, and being so truthful, i do not beleive in lieing and i alwasy expressed the truth,  my saddness is becaseu of the situations that happend to my life, and if i got my child back, i woudl be happier, beign away from him has damaged both hearts, my goal was to get healthier and bettre, i am suspose to work but in need heath first and care for my son,, i am in pain everyday and thats awlful, there is way to solove the pain, but not in the state i live in, other states yes, not new jersey, legal wise i asked many and wait for the law to change for new jersey, i have my own beliefs, but judged by others harsh. i am worse i ever have been and i still try to live my life and correct things, worse when beofre i was way better and more functionable,

my wrist hurts firece and wear the brace everyday  so does the elbow, and leg and brain and foot, and back, i have not organized nothing, trying to puts me exsausted, and every thing i do drains me,,

my docter did tel me that even if i got a bigger house i would still have the organizeing problem, well i hope it gets better when i get ab igger house, , i am disgusted that my brain does not want to put things in order,

the brain does try to problem solove, but what 2 hours and brian fizzle, and if ia m seraching and doing more fizzle out quicker,

i am still trying to bounce back after my head injury of 2007 and this journey has not been easy, when i try to ignore the head problem its bam back in my face, making my day and function diffcult,

i still have not been able to write and its chicken scracth, anddropping things, and cramping . left hand have not tried to write with, my time is so taken up docters everyday and pain and if i take a pain pill, good lcuk, nothing gets done, iam struggling, much.

i believe my depression and saddness would be fixed or less if i get my son back, the herb pill that ia m taking does help alot, but there will be alwasy a saddness, does not mean i fully depressed, i know why i am sad, and i know what would make me better,

if i can not work i can ot have my son, thats sad, though my lawyer tells me different, and well who to listen to who can help me with problems. iineed stable job not work a day get fired and worka nd get fired unstable work i wil never gte my son. so when i ramble on i am trtying to probelm solove, thats dam diffcult anymore.

thanks for comments they help and greatful for prayers, and thanks to all who take there time and express, those wonderful friends in j alnd do make a differnece,

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12:57:53 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
teh pain in the wrist and the elbow and leg and foot, i think the foot is better then yesterday, since i did go to pt,  the pian i deal with makes anything hard to do, i nver give up, even if i am tired with head pian,

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12:56:09 PM EDT
Feeling Distraught

to live has a mother with a darkenss of the cloud that may never be removed. just becasue of someone lies and carelessness my life is forever shattered. a mother who never had a chance to be, it devastes me. anyone would be depressed, and others caseud me this, will my life ever be healed and coniute on. with all the strikes against me. and the words i write and the feelings i express can casue me more death  of my soul. how can i live with the bad judgeemnts that were placed upon me. its harm to me and my son being away from one another, when i look back, yes i made bad desions, but if you look deeper i made protective desions and measures, and corrections,  i always told the truth, and look what happens, i am not the person to lie. , a piecea of paper damaged me for the rest of my life, and the contradions, in justic, is that much, damaged who knows it could ever be repaired, the more i talk the more i write the more deeper i get myself in the hole , i am depressed for what others did to me and put me through, and i have reasons to feel this way, i am depressed, for not getting proper care when i needed it and i am depressed becaseu the judgements that devasted me and the rest of my life. others destroyed my motherhood, by not listening to the truth, if i lost my son becaseu of somoe else lies, and becaseu of the stress that others caseud me, and i can not take care of myself daily and well no job no medcail insurance, the strikes are against me, ,, the contradtions are many and its fuzzy and unbelive the injustic of the state, and  i have medcail problems and others have children and deal with depression and stress,  the papers do not make sense, and when you look deeper they really do not make sense, yea i said things, not  knowing it was going to be put aginst me, no one helped me and not parenting classes either, not that i needed them , but i needed help then and no one helped me at all, thats ashame,  i never abnaded my child, my x husband held my son aginst me and would not let me take him , and i nver slapped my husband as he stated , i nvere did no such thing, and weeks before the incident i wanted to leave with my child and my x husband would have him not close to me and every where else, and months before this, i wanted a divorce,  yea i was invied to go somewhere, with a friend, but its not like i was not going to have a sitter, the life i lived was just not normal and isolated, i was held aginst this byothers, maybe poor judgeemnt, but i never did anything wrong. and when it came to a agruement, and such itw as down hill, and well that morning, we argued but i wanted to take mys on to my mothers house, no car, at the time, my x husband was abusive and mentally abused me, he held my son aginst me, and called me names and would not let me call the police blocked the doors and when i wanted my son hecalled me b333ch, and said youleave , and he stood inf ront of my son, and told me to leave, when i went for the door he pushed me, to the fground and i banged my head and was disorinted, and i called a friend whom was only a friend i did leva the house, and walked dazed out of my mind, and my friend did give me a safe haven and care, but the x husband called the poilce got aretsatiner order, for and custody and told the court i was insane, two lies never hit him, and i was raged for the way he was acting, and being abused mentally pyscailly, i jsut wanted to have my son and go my parents, house, the others told me it was abandonment, really cause 250 pound man in between you and your son, what was one suspose to do, the others believ him and gave him many chances to prove himself, the others beleived he ws the good father and i was the bad mother, becacse of lies, and poor judgements, it was down hill form there.

i am in my sons life evry day and i help him read and take him palces, and i am the mother that no one believed, the father not in the pictrue nver around, lucky if my son got a bday card my x was a craxk addict who lied alot,a nd he lied so well, and others, looked and jusdge me bad. who abandon it who,

so through the court system it went, and the others caused me sciker then i needed to be, there careless judgemnnts,a nd not helping elads me where i am today, and yes some desions i had to make being that i had to have my child palced wtih my parents, only becaseu of what others did to me and jusged me ,for.

so how does one fix this and medcailly judged and pyscailly judged, and mother being judged, how does one fix such damageing crap, i nvere knew i was judged fo rbeing a crminal of child abuse negelct when i never did nothing wrong, only wanted to protect my son. and having head injury there was alot i did not understand, that is not fair, no charge was put aginst me, but it was on my paper, and i was cooprative, and did evrything i was told,  the others the wolfs and the pack destroye dme, .

edit , i would like totell the truth in a affadavit, and speak to the governer, and get a pardon on my court papers,, and get my parents right renstated, with out the wolfs and the wolf pack destroyeding me with judgements, futher more caseing me damage, i am already damaged and traumatized byt he vents in my life,i want to be a mother and given a chance to be one. thats my goal, i find it hard to write  and get thoughts together, but its  aplan, in my brain,

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1:19:04 PM EDT
Feeling Crushed
thought to post since i had d minute to do so, i have a few minutes before next appontment and then off to pyscial therpy. oi went to the chripracter yesterday and well haev  to go back on friday, joy, i just want to feel better, when docters pile up they sure do, and medcail opioins to are many, i feel frustarted at times, opioins and i am in my own body and have to function being  limited more then ever, and the pain and i can not tolerate it nor can o tolerate not having balance in my life, the wrist the leg the foot the back, the woman things, and normal noraml people take asprin things i can not. i been thousands of medcations, and i hate to see me on a thosand more and fizzled brain compass more then it is already have problems working, darn crap i get mad and i am allowed to be this way, i am sad, sad sad, i can barely type, anymore and i haev not made it to the hand surgeon yet, my docter was taking about a job, magic wand somewhere so i can fucntion and be mnormal have not found one, everything sucks right now, and how in the owrld do i keep it together i have no clue, the pain today is 10, all over and i hate it , so limited more then ever. and i haev to suufer till nj pass the bill that i soo  deprestly need, , brain does not do well anymore, it was better before,a nd so was my energey levels, and of course the smile i had was priceless, and it helped so mich, now i suffer and what are soultions, i hate to be on medcations, and not know what day it is, i can not fix all my complex medcail isssues nor or my legal issues either and saty sane in the process, there is somuch walls. my wrist and elbow hurt something firece, today i hate to complaine but i am so trying to type and can not focus cause of the pain, distractions,  if its not on thing its another, that s horrible, and well organize the box, for me, and fix the brain that can not orgainze, i hope it gets better abd starts to work, i pray, what is money to me, nothing, my life to get better is priceless,a nd i hate to have the cards i been dealt, how do i survive i have no clue, i hate to suffer and others see me suffer , i want so much and i know that i fight myself in circles, and catch 22, and saddness,  ,,,,, trials and trails of a journey that one day i hopwe is resoloved, i can nott live life like this, and be damed all the way, sad sad sad, who am i what can i bbe and what diffrenence can i make, and how the hell i am living with limitaions, no clue, no answer do i have, brain does not do what it used to do, and i am discouraged on a daily  day,

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12:37:40 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

goodness time as been overwhemed with go here do this that this appoointment and this , my time is so all over the place. , i have been trying to feel better abd i do nt . and some things make me so tried. the simple things, and the leg and the wrist and the rest , makes me limited. i never give up trying to feel better, i had to drop a paper off to a old employer  spare me, swallow my pride , just need the paper filled out, so whatever, did not say much to that,; the paper i missed before, , cause of head injury and memory. there is alot going on, and i am frustted with how fussy i am and sad at times, becaseu of my issues, and how hard i try,, i do try to do things, and mange, btu in reality i am not doing well. the pain and the rest how do i mange. my life is so spllit, in between , i need my brain fixed so i can organize better , is there surgery for fixing the part of the brain that does not organize well ,,, who knows, i think i asked this before. well nothing is the same and my space is not organized, and everything is all over the place, i have to be better ,,,, the time i do things i have such head pain ic all it brain strian,  i push myself to getting nothing done.  gosh,

hubby has been trying to do everything him self, i feel bad for him. i wish i can do more, i did go to the store, only to find a few shirts, for our vaction, and well i was extreamly tired from all that, feeling waswhed out.  i feel guilt to spend money so unhealthy,  i am trying not let it get to me, but it does, well things have to get better some way.

hubby and i are planning for futrue things and i am happy with this, 

on motherhood, my setbacks are many, paper traumas are just what that is.

i want to function better on all areas of my life. but the answers arer allover the place, and my brain needs to find and research and rest and culitvate and put things together, wow, its a problem, how will i ever fix the problems i want with out the back lash, and the slapps in the face on my chacter. who knows,

i am kinked in my back as iw rite, eww i feel awlful , i am dealing with all over pain. and fusy is just me. for ever how long will this be, i am glad i haev found time to post of my woes,  slot ids on my mind.

i seem nevr to get time on computer andcheck emails, and i try to wrtie a list but darn pain, well i di get a new brace for my wrist and i hope this helps it,.. whoknwos, i hate to be so negative today, but i am, i have much to do and i haev no clue how to get it all done, my focus is out of wack, and whoknows,

its  so hard to live veryday and be normal i hate the word normal for i do not feel this, i feel i let myself down in more ways then i wanted. i keep trying to be a lion and roar. its so darn diffcult, and i fight with a whole lot of feelings, and most of all my dreams of what work i wanted to do in my life is just so shatterd. and the way i wanted to be a mother is shattred to, how can one fix trauma and sad feelings as much has mine.

thanks for support nad emails and prayers, means the wrold to me,

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