Life and Lessons

yesterday was hard for me three appontments, first chripracter then Dr G brain doc, then pyshcail therpy. well counted them one by one one till the last one, neck cracked back cracked but hurt, and still do not walk very well, pain pervents me and weakness to, things be so unbearble, but i keep trying, well anyway, the secound docter well helps me much and does look out for me, helps me relaize mcuh, and when in deep thought, my sitauioon is not just complicated with the limitaions and the motherhood, evrything is a catch 22 and sad sure it is and sad and in pain sure i am, legal complications of such later on what i say and do and what others say, will throw me under the bus. take all in considertaion, and no answer do i seem to have or not a clear one, labled for life it seems and correction are useless, and when i tried so very hard to prove myself it will only devast me,  i hol dmuch trauma from my past and the darkness of the cloud creptted up on me, not only did the judgeemnts. destroy me whne at one time i only suffered from some depression, chroinc depression from trauma others caused me, the lable will destroy me and no i will nevr have my son back becaseu of this, trauma is traum and in my heart and soul i am traumatized, by others judgements, my docter does help me and well truth to others may help me through a truth of affadavit to be written and given to a few chosen ones and that will help but the damage is done, and my futrue life will always be uncertain, and motherhood, that i so deprestaly want and had a small chance in my son llife for two years now he is nine, i was not only not given a chance i cann ot do what i was usspose to do and i tried so very hard, in the past few years, now i relaize others tramatized me for the rest of my life and not only that, a mother whom nver will be, only a fraction becaseu the trauma damaged  me this much, i am lost for words.  and my heallth will be thrown all over he place, and judged soo very wrong, correction, will lead me to corruption of my soul,a nd well sadder my son still does not have a healthy mother . depression chronic and 5 hed injurys, and pyschial limitaions and the rest, how unfair it is, i have the heart so very heavy, i cried all day yesterday and between head pain and not focusing i continue to cry, a thosand tears, of damamge and heart ahce, i let my self down in so many ways, catch 22 all acrross the board, if not one thing its another, and the only thing that i have is my faith and i want other reliaze the damage that has been caused by other peoples actions and injustic,  if my affdavit will help me or damage me more, i haev no clue, but healing what is that. i have no clue, scarred for life, no one will ever give me a chance or will they, if one granted me a pardon on my case , and someone said to me, be better and you can have your son back, i am sure my depression will be so less and i can recover, if someone asked why i am so sad, its not only being away from my son, its the judgements placed upon me. is perventing me and other request i can not fill, so everything i say everything i do or have done will be used aginst em in court of law,

my pain is bad and heart is verty sad, and tears of thousands i haev creid, and i am lost for owrds, and i have not no smile on my face, at all, i lost the fight of wellness and sickness will destroy me if i can not heal from past trauma that over power a soul of a mother, id o show courage in all my efforts abd i still haev a roar, courage is my best friend but truth  is os improatnt for my hreat,

not much today will get done hope one day i catch up on  the journals, tom mcuh for me, today being limited as much has i am.

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• #2 Comment from pprrrr39 
  8/9/08 5:08 AM | Permalink

  Cathy
  I doubt that your son will worry about it.... at the end of the day he just wants a mum.....in one form or another. You can only do what you can do
  Hugs Jayne
• #1 Comment from pharmolo 
  8/1/08 6:06 PM | Permalink

  Cathy,
  I am sure your son will not reproach you for the things you are unable to do as a mother - a situation that arose through no fault of your own. I sincerely hope that you will be given a sympathetic hearing, should the time for that ever come.