Life and Lessons

ramble today,

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:35:09 GMT

today anothewr day, and i had been busy that is why i have not posted, and tuesday well was busy a dcoter appointment and then lawyers and the rest, i ws tired, from trying to do things. wednesday i had 3 appointments, and dr g, for the head and mental and well he ws tough and did suggest maybe i should try a pill that may help my sitaution, and then chriprater for the back they idid laser therpy, and then later then pyhscail therpy docter for the foot, i barely ate much yesterday and wsa not able to do much either, i did go to the strore with hubby, i had to buy a few things for my freind. who lost evyerthing in a fire last may , i ws able to eercise my brain, and the store made me tired, then later i went to another discount store to buy a few things, i idd do that buy mylsef, my brain ws strained ad tired nad hurting, on both sides,

the rist was acting up and the leg and the back the head, but i was pushing myself. and time everything was done, iw as exshausted,,

there was a few things i was asked to do, was to get copys of my records, no one will relaease them till, someone else send them a release, form,, the guy we will call mr D, i had spoke tohim ojn nthe phone and i was not sure o fthe converstaion and what i ws suspose to do, maybe my brainw as not picking it up, so i sit confised, on the matter, hubby will have to call them, and well i tried, i am not letting stress get to me, cause if it does i wll not eat.

today i am suspose todo things, i do not know how much i could do, the paper pile is my brain not working, and wrist hurting, how much could i wirte, with th epain. i feel frustated.

i did read my journals the other day tuesady, i cried, wheni had to face the entires i wrote in a book for 2002 and 2003 and 2004,,i am faceing the trauma, , i do not know if i could ever let it go, maybe someone would learn from it, or something later can be changed, how they handle things, its ashame, what the wolfs did,a nd the trauma they added to my life, could it been handled another way i am sure it could've been thats my point. i think laws should be changed, or made better, , others think that it will not happen others think, let it go others think no ne would listen, that they did what they didm and they are not going to care about, its ahasme,. is it worth a try i think it is, i am only oone mother who expereicned it i am sure there are others, and not only that, its just deeper,

well ia m happy to haev journal support and your comments and encougraenemts, do help, me thanks a bunch, ,today will be busy and hard, say a prayer for me, and tahnks once agin, still depressed but trying to take it one day at a tiem,.

another day filled with tears and pain

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 22:54:13 GMT

there is not a day that goes by that i do not cry. my thoughts are what they are the trauma i faced in my life is what it is, but to a little boy whom has some anger becaseu of what others done and he may not understand why his mommy crys,/ or why i feel frustrated,. i never thought my life would end this way. and when i made every effort, i still live with the darkness that others caseud me, its cost me to be the mother i tried so hard to be. all these years, i been struggling and coniute to do so, people that tell the truth should not be hushed or, put to the side, or made worse, when a judgement was a judgement, it ended my life, and certain cirumsatnces, goodness, its the impossible, the damage i could never correct, damage me not my son, punsh the one who lied not punsh me whom is the mother who is trying to live life, and be well, the well the normal will never be the trauma i face i have to talk about it, the injustic how it was handled, the chance i did not have, one minute i was protecting myself fromt he man who casued me my injury then judged by others for unableness, and neglect and abuse. how in the world do i conitue to live my lfe, with such unfairness, why me, . the wolfs destroyed me my charcter, i take the risk to keep writing, and for my computer to be taken, each day, i have nver hide nothing and i feel i should not have to hide my journal, i will give themn a copy. and well let those decide if i harmed someone or contempt someone else, or whatever. i just know why iw rite why i fumble in my life for corrections, and why i struggle, ,,,,, why i take the time to expressm and try to stay sane with the impossible over my head, for a little boy to have his mother back like other little boys, have there mothers, if its not one thing aginst something else i did would be gainst me and if its not that its my head injury that no one can fix, and if its not that becaseus i am depressed and add the word chronic to that word, and why gosh no job. and well i am disabled, and nope can not have my son, the list is endless, no room for him, no medcail coverage i can provide, and well the list is forever long. oh involved int he domestic violence issue where others lied about me hitting them and nevre did, well. goodness can one see why i am chronic and depressed if they were me they would be to, and they would traumatized for the rest of there life and sit in counsaling once a week, i will die becaseu of the damage , my heart is alreadydead, and to cry the tears every day, i am angery, oh that to will be aginst me to she gets mad, and if i take a pain pill i will hera drug additct agin, well gosh, live my life,

really am sorry for expressing, but thta is all i have left,

pain is unbearable and smoked enough ciggetts to kill a camel.

please look up pot law for new jersey and do the actions, online, and help support it, i wish they would pass the darn thing, i suffered long enough,

i am doomed i feel my heart is dead, and llife

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:13:34 GMT

I had a few days of many tears and the hwole life of tears that i cry each day. i tried so hard to be the mother one should be and tried so hard to be wife that one caould be, i tried so hard to correct teh damage others has caseud me, and i feel i failed, and broken in my life and heart, i feel there will be a time where i will be crufied and judged once agin, all my efforts, are nothing to others, i cry cry cry, my heart aches, my time lost from my son since he was two no one could imagine that, he is nine years olds the words he says to me, my heart just crashes repeatlly, every weekend when i see him, his little voice that echos, and tells me, on one ocassion to face my fears, and anoother the other night, don;t give up nomatter what he still loves me, i have much aginst me, each day i fight through the day with pain in my body and heart,, i push myself to do the basic things, only to be esausted, there are mothers out there whom have disablitties and still take care of the children, i want to be one, but al my efforts will never be good rnough, how do i survive, ic ould not even tell you how,, my heart is broken, and i am very sad, help i get help help from a dcoter to deal with my trauma once a week for the rest of my life, what i say to him will be used aginst me in court of law. i can not focus, form my pain,and my smile is not on my face anymore, and tears i shed are daliy, i am choked up, i made mistakes but i did my best to correct them nerv will be good enough, am slow doing things, but i nevr give up, able not able would love to be, time lost is more heart ahce on me. i will nevr live up to being the mother i always wanted to be, with no parental rights, how could i change anything, my life is taken a toll me, and i try to stand strong even though my journal will crufiy me, , i will lose the computer that really is not mine, i havenothing to hide, i write about my trauma and hope to recover one day, i think my life will kill me, and put me 6 feet under ground, has for the computer, i will print my journal out evryone can have a copy,, if i am forced to not to write, my life will be not record anymore, i wil complie with when i am asked.a bout the text,, they pull it from me about how i speak of my past and the things the other people did, wolfs iw ill call them, humor has not been apart of me,, i am trying to focus, on the good of things. what ismoney when your life is destroyed by others, i do not have anymoeny to call me own and if i had a thousand dollars what is it to me nothing, the heart ache, overides any money amount.. my truth my open another can of worms, they will sqrim out, and probly eat me alive. the chance i have to take, pinch myself maybe my life is a bad dream. it is not, when i would like to work and not worry and to be amother and not worrry i would like towrite and not worry i would like to make diffrence in the law of nj i would like not to worry, i would like my life be btter, the time has gone far to long now, and if someone would to say me, why now, i spent much tryign to correct and guess was the damage is more then i wanted.. if i moved to another state i would be well but have no son and no husband, in new jersey i suffer evreyday waitng for a law topass, for medcail patients and the pot law which i will be coverd,

proud suppoter of the pot law for

new jersey, ,,, i suffer to write this,,,,,

darkness of my soul each day, and the futrue, hopes.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:05:35 GMT

what the futrue holds thoughts who knows, i can live now if i can correct the past, thats all i know, and when i correct the past, words written about me, then i can focus ont he futrue. days gone by years gone by affected deeply more then anyone could know, its horror to me and my life and charcert, in therpy once a week for the rest of my life, and what i say can be used against me, and what iw rite to can used aginst me, when i thought it was easy to fix it was not and when i thought i had it properly the way it should be it was not, what is right is wrong to others, i sit silence life has came and gone to me, when i tried so hard i failed, and this affdavit may just be what i need to go ahead and move on, i can barley look at the papers and i have to face them, and correct them, i laugh how one wrote i was delsiuonal, when people who knw me just know how spriutal person i am, just cause i made refrence to somethings and told the truth deluisonal wsa placed on paper 2002, , the reasons i have not have custody of my child the list is full, all the requiremetns, contradic, and nothing was soloved for me only made worse and taken away from me, forced to make desions, and the trauma is forever, but what wwas not written s still remmberd abd that is why i have to make the affdavit, , well anyway, how long will it take, no clue if it takes me months to complie the information then it does,

i have to pull from documented journals, on time and things, its a project for sure, and i am postive i can complie it together even if its a long process,

today was a bad day migrane headache, that made me lay down, a few ups and downs of things, and i push myself sick everyday, tomarrow two appointments, well i do haev plans for the furtrue, and when my papers are done with truth all over it i may be able to focus on the futruie life,

therpy is life long, if i can can not rehab for work at least i can rehab my person that ws damaged. my goal is to express and get rid of my darkness that is the cloud on my head,

i am a mother with good heart and intentions for corrections,

myheart my life my shame my health my son,

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:32:03 GMT

I apperciate the comments and enoucauragements, and the friendships, i know i have notbeen myself. and since last head injury and the past traumas, and well self medcaed and the rest i still beleive what helped me and i can not have it, i suffer just to speak about and when in return one day it will be thrown aginst me, i suffer worse then ever, and i pull to my faith and the bible, like many times before, i had had too, my life has not been easy and it seems like it will not get any esier, and the smile will never be on my face, my recovery well how long will that take, and how long will trauma last, i do plan to make a differnece someday, and i wills truggle to do this, there are many avenues one can take and have not figured sny of them out , money is nothing to me, my chrnoci depression and chrmonic anisty is because of others, and there actions, and my actions well to live life pain free, well now i feel worse,

everyday is docter appointments, and there are many and i feel overwhemed, i still have much nmore to do and to make more appointmetns, its a job in its own, if i get better maybe one day i could function better and work and be a mother, but now, nope, its sad, i can not go on with my life till i fix the past,and that will take much time,

pain everyday is not how i want to libe my life, and tired and fatigue niether, i red a book a few pages ended up sleepong after that,

i do not want to depend on pain medcations, i n return someone will call me drug addict, and the rst its funny how people judge one and mark there life the rest distaer for them, i may never win anything of my battle,, and all my life since three lies of another destroyed me, i blame myself for not doing much to pervent an dprotect myself, i was raped of my life becasue of others, and judgements, and when i tried so hard to prove myself, it was not good enough to no one,

my docter wants to help me, and what he writes it the truth i know the truth is hard to accept, and my life is stuck in the moment of trauma, and chronic deprssion and chronic anisty, i will not hate him for that title, he writes the truth its ashame i have to hear it, but it is what it is, if any mother like me went htrough what i wnt through and being away from my son, becaseu of others, misconceptions, trauma for me, and alos for my son, one day i hope he is forgiven,

i will cry everyday of my life, and continue to do so,, the avffdavit is andwill be done, and i may feel better but damage has been done, and if someone admitted they were wrong whateverm no one can give my son back at two he is now 9, i let myself down and how can i live my life and i let him down,

i did not pick my journals up from my lawyer and i will when i am ready, i really will find this hard to write the avdavut and not cry, but it must be done , how long it will take disablity will be in my way, and of course when its written all those who judged me will revce a copy , and one specail oen to the governer of nj,,,

i will nevr be able to smile agaiin, and life that ws taken is just taken, it hurts my son. why give a child uneed trauma. it thurts the mother but the child is the one to scard for life,deep trauma for him, me can not have no more children,

raped of my motherhood damaged for life, damaged from with in, i will never recover fromt his damage.

my heart will always ache and in retrun be crufied

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 01:27:02 GMT

its been quiet in here in my journal and that is alright, i am not the way i used to be, and do tresarue the friendships i haev abnd apperciate those who do leave comments of encourgaements, and such, today i post twice. maybe becasue i had took a nap, the pain must be documented, and weell since not taking no pain medcations, i am feeling it all, back wrist and the head and foot, and its endless, i am back struggling agiin, i suffer everyday and conitue so, mentally and pyschailly i can not fix my problems, and when i write one day it may be aginst me, and thats bad, if someone asked me why i wriote and kept my story going. is it because, of any fame or fortune neither, its my life i hope others can learn from and i hope when i write i help somone else, and truth and crufiyed because of it, well if it happens, i iwill fall, but i hope i made a differnece insomeones else is life, by then reading my journal entires, i hope i help others to coniute on with life even with the blows and bad cards one gets delt, and of course fight like a lion with courgae, i do not know how much time i have before i may have to go private or i may have my computer taken away for what i write, i take a gamble and in my gamble i hope i win with truth and understanding not to be crufied, for wanting to heal and express wrong, i do not feel i am safe from anything, and ,mentally the things that may happen to my life in the futrue is darkend and blind, to me, and my journey is dark, for my correction will never be good enough and trauma is life long, and i will be with out my son longer then i would like to have been , my life is and will be sad and if a bright spot of understanding shead through it gives me hope, i been through enough and its only the begining of the blows that will be aginst me,i have no answer that is well and its sad for me in the life i am trying to fix, , i want tobe whole agin and it may never be that way, i want to be a mother that never had a chance to be, that may never happen, i cry all the time and when i see my boy i try to help in understand, but i can only tell him some things other things i am pervented to tell,, i will lose my life in my struggle, and die of a broken herat, thats sad, life is to live the fullest mine will be darkened more only when i thought i had made improvemnst that is not good enough, my efforts will always be slpped back in my face, how can ihelp others if i can not help myself my journal is one way, but i feel that its useless, at times, when the judgeemtns will be harsh, i just want my life back and in return i will have a smile, bad health pervents me, from my motherhood, and truama that the others wolf pack, caused my ill helth, and it pervent me of being well mother,

i will be doing a avadavid, soon and it will be hard nad time consumeing and limited with brain and hand i have no clue how long it will take me, and since i have to relive the pain in the writing, i will be depressed, doing it,

i gain 7 pounds, still nothelathy, but at least the vaction helped me, to bad the weight wwill not stay,

my life is a journey being a lion with courage has not been easy i hate to question myself but i do and no answer do iahev that works in my favor,

not feeling well and been in pain, afraid of pain pill

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:28:01 GMT

I am finally home from vaction , saturday was hard and diffcult and a bit scary for me, i almost passed out, low blood pressur, who knows , i thiink it was from my pain mdication. sideeffedts. who knows. vaction was good but pain was not, and the drive hoome and the train goodness, i could barley stya sitting only about a hour. same today as i write the pain is very bad, called the docter . and made a papoint, for tomarrow, and well have to get back on track with a whoel lot to do, very tired today. and well, pain its going ot be hard, to mange. afraid to take pain pill leaves me suffering today, not many pills left, and with what i expereince saturday, ia m afraid, who knows, anymore, i live in pain when i relauity some things help me and in my ststre can not have it. my wrist hurts, and will have to brace it, i haev to find the hand surgeon number ,,,misplace everything, i am sad today a bit overhwelmed, back to life in jersey and off from vaction, pain pills had me going through vacyion but no pain pills, goodness, i can barley type todaym so off i go off the computer, my mind today is wraaped much with things, fine and well sick of being sick, faith i stil have,

my ramble of my mind on vaction

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 23:28:09 GMT

still in fl and i am looking forward to returning home soon,the weather here has been raining abd of course when it rains my body does feel pain, i am unbearble to sit for any period of time, i can not wait till get back home and go to the back docter, i felt abit better when i went, i do have many doctr appointments to call for and my do list will be a bit overwhemimng when i need to go to all the docter appointments, homesick forsure miss nj and well its a vaction for me feeling apin makes anything diffcult, my mind is raceing all over the place becaseu its much and many things to do when i go home, i do have to do my avvadavid of truth to witch will take me forever to do, i have not took the herbel pill in two days but i will take it tomarrow, i been taking the pain pill, i hate when you leave somewhrere you have to pack up well i overpacked a bit this trip, maybe next trip i will try not , i do ahve much on my mind and i suspose a bit overwhemed, with my thinking, i will be leaving for the train on 24th well hwo knws when i will post agin maybe when i get home, .....i guess herbel pills do help with my thinking, i had much head strain and pain and my speech has been messing up becaseu of it, i also was one the computer to and tired myself out yesterday, i had went a few places on vaction, and it was split between places and famliys,,,,,,,,,

i hate to worry about anything and my lawyer tells me not to worry, well thats hard for me epecaislly the complex of my legal issues and medcail isssues and the my journal, soon it will be out in the open and i conitue to fear of the actiions of myself and of others, can life be simple just once instead of darn diffcult legall stuff,

my whole life has been some horrible rollar coaster and being so wild of the ride i am on i am worried on my rollar coaster of life,

i suspose today i ramble my thoughts choppy and all over the place but i feel better, just to be abl e to post,

stuck in floridia

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:03:31 GMT

stuck in floridia intill august 24 because of the strom, family here is alright where we are at, the train was cancelled so we take train on the 24, using the lap top, barely ever use the darn thing, i am making the best of the vaction been very busy and i am looking forward to coming home but not all the dcoter appointments i have to make, been in pain on this trip and taking the pain pills to get me through it, our vaction was split between doing things and spending time with hubby family, miss my journal and posting, was not able to get connection but able to today thought to post, can not sit no more the pain is bad, did speak to my laywer, well thats another story, no winning, post soon who knows miss nj, homesick,

goign on vaction and time is limited, way behind,

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 12:18:19 GMT

Just so busy and overwhelmed with life and docter appointments. there has been one each day this week, i woke up ealry to post since it will be last post intill i get back from vaction. a liitle behind and not packed yet either, well i had a balance test on tuesday witch was not normal and another werid ttest vng who knows about those results. still did pyscail therpy and to the chripracter and a few other things, i speak to my lawyer on tuesady a phone conference, cause i got me some issues, never a dull oment in my life. its crazy and i am challenged with all my problems, and since verything is a catch 22 goodness me, and my troubles, well i will be leaving saturday and coming back on 23 ? well a bit vaction hubby says its work, caseu it will be busy, i finally am going to floridia with my son, and since he was two i wanted to take him but could not, now he is nine, and i am looking forward to it, tell me not to cry becaseu of my happiness, i will try not to. regardless of pain and limitiaons i will haev to make the best of it, i am doing well without the brace but wrist still hurts, back still hurts too and foot well i guess it has chemcail pain, i will be taking muscle relaxers,, wish me luck. well one day i will get to journals, ,,, in pain limited my computer time and funtion, spasms pervent me so much ,,, alerts will stay on and well if its a clogged up email sitauion, i will laugh it off, maybe i can chacek ,y mails in Fl,

stay well j alnd be back soon, look forward to playing catch up when i retrun,,