My Starting Over Journal

Some days I feel like I just can't win. It's been like this all week long. I keep hearing how I'm not good enough at this and not good enough at that. I wonder if people think this is a great way to get someone to do what you want... treat them terribly. It's a appalling. I wish I had the power to make it stop and to show these people who awful they are.

I don't know what to say anymore. All I know is I worry about stroking out. I had this dream the other night that my father got in the car, knowing I was behind it, and started backing up. He nearly ran me over except for my mother screaming at him. My father, you see, is dead. Was it a premonition that he's coming to take me with him? That was the feeling I had when I awoke from the dream. I felt that it was a premonition of my death.

Next month it will be a year since Mom's stroke. With my blood pressure going up to 180/100 last Saturday, I didn't need the extra stress I had this week. Not that those who upset me really care. And if it's not a stroke that gets me, it will be heart attack. I've always known this, but I didn't think I'd be facing this at age 42.

I hate feeling like this. I really do. But it's how I feel and I have a right to my feelings even though others don't seem to agree.

cheryllmt at 4:58:49 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Well, where do I begin? Yesterday I had to go to the doctor's because I needed my prescription refilled but my doctor wouldn't do it unless I came in. Why do I have to come in? Last year I came in and you ran your mouth off about how you couldn't do a good exam on me because of my size. Last year you couldn't manage to read the chart to know what you prescribed for me. Why would I want to see you? Ok, so my own doctor wasn't in and that left me with a new doctor. I'm not happy to begin with. Yes, I now have medical insurance and it sure feels good to hear, "Your co-pay is $15." However, I'm expecting the worst and have been since the nice nurse practitioner I used to see left to move to Arizona.

I walked in all wound up. I normally dislike doctors because they usually are nasty to me. No one who is obese needs to hear the annual lecture on how many ways they could be dying. One of these days, I swear I'm going to tell some poor unsuspecting doctor that HE/SHE is dying! The minute we are born, we begin to age and aging ends in one thing... DEATH! Get over it! I think the quality of one's life is far more important than the length of it. Sure, we all want to live to a reasonable age, but is there anyone who would like to live to 70 or 80 if it meant they had to suffer for all those years? I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather die at 50 but enjoy my life, what's left of it, than live to 100 and be miserable. However, when my life ends is in God's hands.

Anyway, the nurse calls me back and while one is taking my blood pressure another is badgering me about when this happened and where I had that test and so on. I finally said, "Could you please wait until she finishes taking my blood pressure!" Want to know what my bp was? 180/100. Yeah, I'd say that's stroke territory. Thanks for helping to shorten my life a bit. Only a few weeks ago when I went for my vaccination for school, my bp was 140/90 which is normal for me. The first number (systolic) is very variable based on things including stress. The second number (diastolic) generally doesn't go up very much. I think she got the bottom number wrong, but I guess the top could have been correct. I have training in taking bp, so I know how subjective it is. The wrong size cuff or not having the stethescope properly placed to hear the pulse and you get a wrong reading.

So then I get moved into a treatment roomand given the requisit paper gown that doesn't fit. Yippee, I get to sit in an air-conditioned room with a paper gown that doesn't cover me fully and wait for the doctor to arrive. He walks in and seems nice enough, asks me how I am and I tell him that I'm not so good. Bet he doesn't hear that too much judging by his look. He asks me what's wrong so I tell him about the bp, I tell him about how I was treated last year, I tell him how morbidly obese people like me never get treated right when they go to a doctor and sometimes you just need to treat a patient with a little more care. The nurse, who was the one taking the bp, said that what they did is their standard two-person procedure. So I said, "Not everyone can deal with having their bp taken and being asked a bunch of questions at the same time. It's stressful." The doctor agreed that it isn't necessary. Nothing's going to change though. It's how they rush to keep on time so they can get out early.

He examines me and in the end, he writes me my script and talks to me like a human being. I thanked him for his table-side manner. I don't get much of that. But did it really have to come to me bawling my eyes out in front of him and the nurse to get treated like I had red blood running through my veins just like they do?

Stress is a horrible thing. It will kill you. The medical journals talk about how stress relates to cancer, heart attack, stroke, you name it. Then why don't we take better care of each other? Why must we add to each other's stress? Stress on the job. Stress in the stores. Stress at the doctor's. Stress all over the place. Stress will kill me one day. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that my mother had a stroke at 66. My father died at 62. My maternal grandmother died of a stroke (she had prior heart attacks) at 73. My maternal grandfather died at 84 of a massive heart attack. My paternal grandfather died of a heart attack. My paternal grandmother died of angina. Hmmm wonder what my chances are.

Sorry to be so morbid today, but part of writing a journal is to help me help myself and I'm helping myself when I get the stress out.

cheryllmt at 6:54:23 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I can't believe it's been almost two solid months since my last post.

Sidney is still at the shelter and he's the light of my day. I wish he was here. I'd love to cuddle up with him the way he does when I sit with him at the shelter. And there are so many wonderful cats. I've talked about how I feel cats give unconditional love, love that's so rare in humans.

My stress level is so high, it's not funny. I try not to think about it, but when I do, I just cry. I try to reduce my stress by using what I learned in "Change Your Life in 30 Days."

I was thinking about some of the things that stress me at my two jobs. One of them is the feeling that I'm not good enough, that I'm never good enough. Is it true or am I making it up? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it's true. It's my old insecurities cropping up again. One mistake can erase 100 good things I've done. It's why in the "One Minute Manager" they use the One Minute Reprimand. The One Minute Reprimand technique is you tell the person what they did wrong then end by telling them why they are still a good person. You correct the behavior without shaming the person. I wish more people would learn this. Recently I was taken to task because I didn't react fast enough. By the end of the conversation, I was in tears. I couldn't help myself. It was all about how I was wrong about this and wrong about that and wrong about another thing and so on. Nothing about me being a good person or being a valued person. It hurt. It's not how things should be. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's really okay for people to treat others like dirt. Maybe it's okay to flip-flop and praise one second and condemn the next. Maybe it's okay to make it personal rather than making it about the behavior. Or maybe it's all me... what's wrong with me.

If there's anyone left reading this since it's been so long, I'm sorry if this isn't the upbeat post that I try to have. I'm just not feeling very upbeat lately. I'm overwhelmed by my life. I'm scared of my future (or lack of one). While I no longer have this horrible sense of winding up on the streets because I didn't have the rent money, I do have the sense that I will wind up alone and in pain.

Speaking of pain, how did I get this weight? Why did I let my doctor take away my synthroid? Why wasn't I blessed with good health and a normal weight? I've never had either. Do you ever wish you could ask God a few questions? I do. I wish I could ask why I've had to handle the things I've had when others who are not very nice seem to have life come easy to them. I wish I could ask why people hurt others, either through war or hatred or meanness or whatever. I wish I could ask why there are no more miracles. How come God doesn't speak to anyone anymore like in the Bible? Has the whole world become Sodom and Gommorah? Has God turned away from us and perhaps is busy creating some better world somewhere else? Will the Messiah ever really come?

Deep thoughts on a deep day.

cheryllmt at 4:29:05 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Today I had the most wonderful experience of contentment. I was sitting on a bench at the cat shelter with Sidney, a wonderful white cat with black markings, in my arms. Sidney had his head on my chest, as if he was listening happily to my heartbeat. I was gently petting him and my cheek was resting on top of his head. It was as if all was right with the world. No problems running through my mind. No sense of sadness over anything. No feeling of stress. Just the peace that comes to me when a friendly feline cuddles up in my arms and gives me his unconditional love.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could walk through life feeling that way? Imagine how it would be to always feel loved, wanted, needed, happy, contented and generally at peace.

The thing is, how does one maintain that feeling when they have to work? For most people, work comes with stress, sometimes too much stress. Been there, done that, destroyed the tee shirt.

In my life, I've gone from stressing over not having enough work ($$$) to cover the bills to stressing over juggling two jobs and trying to please everyone. For instance, at my temp job I see so many things that could be improved, but who am I to say anything? I'm just a temp, right? It annoys me that I'm not in a position to make decisions. I've paid my dues and I have so much knowledge in me, but in neither job do I have any authority. Instead, I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I had a job 2 years ago where I had a taste of authority. I've been a manager and had people reporting to me. I was good at it but then the economy turned bad and I found myself out of work and unable to get a position of any substance.

Don't get me wrong, I like what I do at my permanent job. But I just miss the ability to contribute in the way I used to because I hold zero sway. I hear that everyone's thoughts are welcome. So far, I've felt like more of what I've heard is about everything I don't know. I'm sure it's a lot about my own insecurities and my own issues, but it still hurts. I try to use what I learned in 'Change Your Life in 30 Days' and 'Fearless Living.' Easy to say; hard to do.

I often think I just have a very different view on how things should be. I think people should treat each other with respect regardless of rank. I think people should look to the positive because the negative holds no future. I think people should strive to do their best, be their best and do the right thing. Then again I live in a world where CEOs of big companies are becoming criminals. I've had to shake my head over the companies who have had accounting irregularities especially Symbol Technologies. I spent a year at Symbol. I shook Tomo Razmilovic's hand once. Frank Borghese was my upline. I dealt often with Len Goldner's secretary. I knew who Ken Jaeggi was because those above me had dealings with him. I knew who Brian Burke was. And now Tomo is currently a fugitive from the law (do we have an extradition treaty with Croatia?) and these other men will be having their days in court. Such is the life of millionaire businessmen. <sigh>

Enough thought from me. I'm going to call a friend for my weekly discussion of my cat time and then I'm crawling into bed. I need all the rest I can get. (One day I will work a single job and it will provide enough money to live on. One day.)

cheryllmt at 6:55:19 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Today I am grateful for:
1.  My job I work from home
2.  My mother
3.  My friends who show how much they care
4.  My apartment. It may not be what I really want but it's my home for now.
5.  My car because it takes me places and hopefully I can see my way clear to go somewhere this summer even if only for a few days.
6.  The food in my refrigerator, in my cabinets and on the counter. I've known what it's like for there to be nothing to eat and I am grateful that time is over.
7.  The telephone because it connects me with people who are far away.
8.  The cats at the shelter. I missed them terribly this week but next week it will be cat day again.
9.  The sense that perhaps soon I my life will get even better. The sense that perhaps there is something good to come for me. The sense that I am not doomed to begging off my mother and watching every single penny least it be my last.
10. The hard times because they make me more aware of the better times and give me hope for the future.
11. The medications because I'm slowly getting better and the bronchitis will go away before I take my business trip in 2 weeks.

cheryllmt at 6:14:38 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

As you might have noticed, I've been rather introspective while I've been sick. I guess when you don't feel well, you realize how vulnerable you are. The other day I coughed so hard I got a terrible pain in my chest, down both arms and down my torso into my thighs. In retrospect, I think it was all muscular as my diaphragm did its thing to help me cough up the vile stuff and other muscles (since everything is connected) just got caught up in the spasm. My mother always said I get a "croupy" cough. Don't know what the croup is like but if this is how one coughs when they get the croup, it's really horrible. On the other hand, did you know that if you think you're having a heart attack it can save you to start coughing?

Ooops, got a little off the subject. Anyway, I started thinking about something I've thought a lot about over the years... if I died today what will I leave behind. I always thought that when I died I would leave behind my children, someone to remember that I lived even though I staunchly do NOT want a funeral nor a grave (I'm an organ donor and have been for a very long time - my body goes to science or anyone that can be helped by it). I just hate to think that if I died today my life would have been meaningless.

I always thought that one day I'd do something that would impact others' lives. No, not the person to cure cancer or bring world peace. I never thought I could anything that big. More along the lines of helping people find happiness in their lives. I thought I would find a niche in my career where I could help businesses succeed while doing the right thing ethically. Every so often I get introspective and think about these things. I keep looking for ways to do something good. I want to leave some small legacy.

When I was little I had big dreams. My mother would say to me, "Can't you just want to be average?" No, I want to be more than average. My mother now understands and from things she's said, she's sorry she said what she did. She thought she was preventing me from being spoiled and conceited. Instead, it just hurt. We both wonder what might have been if she had encouraged me to find my dreams from a young age. Today I look for opportunities to encourage others, especially those younger than me, to seek their dreams. I hope if anyone reads this and has a secret aspiration of any kind that they go for it. Don't pass up another moment.

It's not easy. I know this. Life gets in the way. Just look at mine right now. I finally get enough income to keep going in college but now I have so little time. When I had more time, I didn't have the money. I often wonder how others do it. How do people hold down 2 jobs and go to school at the same time? When do you get to relax? When do you go food shopping? Clean the house? Visit with family and friends? Read a good book? Work in the garden? But if I don't continue now, then it will never happen. If I continue and it takes me longer than it should, at least I will eventually reach my goal.

It's the same with my career aspirations. Do I really want to work 2 full time jobs? Heck no!! I want to work one full time job that I love, something I feel stimulates me, challenges me, gives me a sense of accomplishment. I want to feel like I matter at my job and that I'm doing something of value. And I want my job to pay me a living wage so I can enjoy my life. Sometimes I feel bad that I long for what others have. Jealousy isn't really me. I don't want to take anything away from anyone but I want my piece of the pie too. I want to enjoy my life, go on vacations, go to the movies, go to the theater and to museums. I want to be able to do quiet things. One of my friends tells me about her adventures sitting by a window with a cat in her lap and watching the wildlife outside. I'm so happy she has that in her life. I want that too. I think we all need quiet time and simple pleasures.

That "doing window" is such a great thing, IMHO. I guess everyone knows by now how much I love cats and how I wish I had one or more of my own. Being sick these past days, I would have felt so much better if I had a cat to sit in my lap and just rest with me. I really missed my visit with the cats today because it's my one time in the week when I can do that. I can have the feeling that my friend must have with her cats. There's something so soothing about having a cat in your lap, petting them, hearing them purr and maybe cuddle you and just being still with that. They say that having pets helps people live longer. I believe it. I guess dog people feel the same way about their dogs. There's something about the unconditional love of an animal. They don't demand.  They don't argue. They don't say nasty things or hurt your feelings. They have a sense of when you feel alone or sad or when you are hurting and they do what they can to ease the pain.

Anyway, I just had to write about what I was thinking. Maybe it will mean something to someone and maybe it will be helpful. Maybe not. It's just something I felt compelled to write about in case just one person finds something good in hearing my words. (Did I ever mention that I've had aspirations of writing? Maybe one day. Lord knows I'm living Strunk & White's Elements of Style... except in my journal <eg>)

cheryllmt at 7:37:01 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I was just talking to a friend I haven't caught up with in some time. Both of us have gotten very busy with our offline lives and we miss each other online. It stinks. You make friends online, people who mean a lot to you and you to them and sometimes the connection just gets lost.

Anyway, her daughter is graduating high school next weekend and today was her last day in high school (she was thrilled). I commented how we're always rushing to get out...out of high school, out of college, out of our job, out of a marriage, out of a friendship, out of whatever. Are we ever really content with being right where we are? I don't remember ever being content. Some of that is good as there is a longing to learn more and do more. That's not so bad. But right now I want out of my 2nd job (I hate billing..hate hate hate), I want out of college (it's just taking so darn long to get my BS and it seems like I may never get my MBA...oh if only I knew all this when I was a teen...but wishing you can change the past is futile. More on that in a few.) I want out of my apartment. I want out of this state because it's become too difficult to make a living and to have a life here. The only reasons to stay are my mom and I want to finish college at the school I'm at.

I had to come back and add this paragraph in because I forgot something I wanted to say about college. I have a friend who I met when he was in junior high school. I remember him wanting to quit. There were reasons and I always understood but I also always told him he needed to go on no matter what. When he decided to go to college, I couldn't have been happier. I didn't want to see this bright young man make the same mistakes I made. He and I got our Associate degrees the same year. Each of us is taking time away from our Bachelors but for different reasons. I'm so happy he's planning to return to college and get his Bachelors. He may get it before I get mine, but wouldn't it be great if we get ours the same time? Yes, he and I are many years apart in age, but he is such a wonderful young man. I wonder if certain people in his life realize it. It's something I've known from the start. I'm so proud to call him "friend."

I wonder if I had my dream life if I'd be any happier or more content. Would having a husband, a home, a couple of cats, a great job (one...not two....one), my BS or MBA and the opportunity to traveland do other things I long to do mean I wouldn't feel this feeling that I'm never truly fulfilled or my cup is never full. Would it lower my stress? Would I stop getting sick (I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because I have either a really bad cold or the flu or something worse)? Deep thoughts, huh? See what happens when I get really sick and actually wind up having to take off from my day job for two days? Oh, by the way, I didn't miss it at all but I'm sure when next week's paycheck comes in I will have a different story to tell.

Mom expressed more than once in the past day or so that she would like to come out to check on me. I told her not to even try because I didn't want her to get whatever I have. She's been sick enough in the past year. I'm also worried that she's not driving much. She still can't really feel the peddles like she should and it's good that she's thinking about having adaptive devices put on her car. I know how much driving means to her and she still has many more years to live (or so I pray). She used to say if she couldn't drive she'd rather be dead. I'm glad she's not getting that depressed. I'm so glad she's a fighter. I've really come to like her so much in the last year. Sure, sometimes she still says things that hurt me, but realizing that she could die and realizing how much she means to me has changed things. We get along so much better and we don't say so many hurtful things to each other anymore. I think next weekend when I'm better and over there to do laundry I'll take her out here to see what I've done with the apartment and to see the things my new neighbor has done. Last week we went shopping not because I really needed to go but because she made a small comment that she wanted to get out of the house.

Tomorrow is my brother's 34th birthday. God, I wish he'd grow up. When Mom had her stroke, we spoke a tiny bit at the hospital. Otherwise, we haven't spoken since and prior to that it had been years since he would even look at me or say "hello." People ask me why and I have no answer. I don't know what I did that made him hate me so much but I feel so bad about it. Neither of us were perfect. He was mean to me as a kid and I was mean to him. But we're adults now. Isn't it time to put all that crap behind us? Neither of us has anyone. It would be so nice if we could at least have each other. I've tried but he hasn't responded and I just don't get it. There is a womanon 'Starting Over' who has a twin brother she hasn't spoken to in years. She doesn't know why he hates her either. I'm hoping to learn something from her story that will help me.

Although I don't journal daily anymore, I do think daily about the things I'm grateful for and I think of reasons to acknowledge myself. The only one who I can count on to acknowledge me is me. If others acknowledge me, that's just gravy and I am very appreciative. I am grateful for what I have and grateful for the improvements in my life. I still want more and want different but I hope I never forget to be grateful because my life could be much worse and I am lucky to have what I do have.

cheryllmt at 9:03:56 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Thank you so much to the three people who left comments on my last post (I always wonder if it's correct form to address by name or not since the names are visible. ::::thinking::::) Ok, Donna, Trish & Kari :D

Today I decided to stop posting on a non-AOL board about Starting Over. I felt the moderating was very uneven and that some people were allowed to direct nasty comments at other members while others who did not direct comments at others were told that their comments were offensive by the moderator. It's their playground and if this type of moderating is going to go on, I don't think I want to play there. It's just a personal issue with me due to years on message boards. If you make a rule, then you keep the rule for all. Anyway, this was a very hard decision but it had to happen. I'm just one of the many who have stopped posting on this site because of the tone that is allowed to prevail. Guess I'll have more time for things like sleep now :D

Speaking of sleep, it felt so good to get a full 7 hours last night. Most nights I only get 5 hours. I long for the day I can give up my second job (the temp one preferably) or at least have it go to part time. It's true that working 2 jobs is very difficult especially when you're doing everything alone. What is truly sad is that the pay of the jobs that seem to be available around me are so low that it takes 2 jobs to add up to what I used to make 2 years ago. I don't know how anyone around here survives on one job unless it's really high paying. Rents are so high, gas is now over $2/gallon (and it seems it's rising daily), food prices just keep going up (over $2 for a dozen eggs), and so on. Makes me wonder what life will be like in 10 years. Will I look back and think of these as the good old days when prices were low? (I'm old. When I started driving, gas was well under a $1 a gallon...something in the area of 70 cents, I think).

I went to pet the cats and I wish I had taken my camera with me. There were several new cats and in a few weeks all the kittens that have been fostered out will be in for adoption. I can't wait to play with the kittens! There was a sweet multi-colored patchwork kitty, 1 year old, named Mitzi. She was just so sweet and so loving. Then there was Lexus, who is a tiger with white paws and was new last week. I walked into his room and he nearly fell off the shelf he was on trying to get me to notice him.  Sidney is a black and white cat who was shedding like mad :::showing all the white hair on my black pants::: What a sweetheart, even if he did sit on my lap and kept shoving his head right by my nose so I was inhaling fur...LOL. Snickers is a totally patchwork and big. She's a tiny bit shy but when she did come out for a bit, she was gentle. Ida is a tiny girl tiger who spent quite a bit of time lying in my lap and encouraging me to pet her all over (nothing so cute as a cat who when you slow down the petting rubs it's head against you, looks into your eyes, licks you ... ouch that tongue is like sandpaper! ... and nudges your arm with her head). Then there's my buddy Patrick, the orange cat with the stubby tail.  Patrick is a declawed lap cat. Sit down and he'll walk into my lap and take residence. It was so funny that he leaped off my lap, got himself some water, looked over at me to make sure I hadn't replaced him, then came back to me and curled back up in my lap and arms. I don't know when I'll find an apartment that will allow cats, but I'm sure there will be a cat or two who will adopt me when the time comes. I hope that time comes soon.

Speaking of apartments, I'm praying my landlady's son leaves for the Marines Monday. I thought he was leaving this past Monday. The other night he was outside talking loudly with his friends. He sounded drunk or stoned or both. Yuck. I think my landlady went to Florida again. I just wonder how much longer before she sells. Will she really wait 5 years till she retires or will she go sooner?

Today I acknowledge myself for:
1.  Knowing when to throw in the towel on a message board that no longer supports my goals of growth
2.  Taking care of my needs
3.  Allowing myself to spend some money without beating up on myself
4.  Really feeling how much better I feel knowing I can spend money without so much worry
5.  Realizing I need to relax and let some things go.

Today I am grateful for:
1.  Donna, for letting me know she's here with me
2.  Trish, for letting me know she's here with me
3.  Kari, for letting me know she's here with me
4.  MC for his constant and unwavering support
5.  My mother for just being my mother
6. RS for being such a good friend
7.  DR for being a good friend
8.  All the support. Often the support comes at such an important time to me and comes from unexpected places.

cheryllmt at 7:02:35 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

It's been quite a week. It seems like so much has caved in on me. I've been crying my heart out daily.  Everything I've worked hard to achieve seems to be going wrong.  I've lost myself, my heart, my positive nature...I feel like I suddenly lost me.  It's not any one thing, but a compilation of things.  I feel like the world is collapsing on me.  And I've been feeling very alone and unsupported.  Last weekend I called one friend who told me to call her Sunday night.  When I called, there was no answer so I left a message.  My call hasn't been returned and there hasn't even been an e-mail.  I called another friend and she wasn't home either.  I didn't expect her to return my call because I know she's financially strapped, but not even an e-mail.  It looks like no one is even reading my journal anymore.  Did I bore everyone away?  It's my life, such as it is.

I want to go back to being positive and happy.  I had the realization last night while talking to another friend about part of the angst that I really hated how I felt and I felt helpless and hopeless.  It was awful.  I guess it was everything hitting me at once...going to full time in a different department at one job, taking on a full time temp job doing something that I'm not in the least passionate about, constantly feeling terrible about not being in school which puts me further and further behind in my effort to get my BS, and the creeping fear that I'm destined to go through the second half of my life alone, needy and without ever living my passion.

I don't know how I will pull myself out of this, but I must.  Rhonda  Britten talks about how important a support system is, but I feel that once again the people I've asked to support me have left me.  And I'm blaming myself.

Saturday is my favorite day of the week.  I don't have to work any job and I can plan my own day. I went to see Mom this morning, did my laundry, went food shopping with her and took her to brunch.  It felt good to finally be able to buy her a gift and brunch without having to worry if doing so will prevent me from paying my bills.

I went to pet the cats.  It's always a soothing thing for me.  Ren was adopted Thursday (no, not by the other volunteer).  I'm glad he has a home where he can be happy and loved.  Who knows when I'll be able to do that.  As I left it sounded like a family that was there was going to adopt Nolan (another of my loves).  I want them to have happy homes but I wish I had a cat.  I would love to have a cat to curl up with me.  Studies show that having a pet lowers stress and blood pressure.  I can use that.

I also went to Target and Stop & Shop.  I think I went a little crazy.

Today I acknowledge myself for:
1.  Letting my tears out
2.  Seeking comfort and consoling from friends
3.  Going to the cat shelter because it makes me happier
4.  Writing in my journal
5.  Taking time today to talk to others

Today I am grateful for:
1.  My mother
2.  MC
3.  DR
4.  RS
5.  the cats

cheryllmt at 6:57:25 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

As I mentioned before, I now work 2 full time jobs.  Today began the first day of that as my one job officially became full time.  It's not easy.  But life is not easy.  Lately I've watched people talk about how things should be this way or that way as if the world always goes only in the way they believe it should.  That's just not real.  I've listened to people get into a fuss because they feel that the reality show, "Starting Over," isn't so real due to the people they bring in to interact with the women.  What's real is these women wouldn't be able to gain so much in so little time if the producers didn't bring in experts, set up situations and encourage certain interactions.  This would take a whole lot longer.  I think it's wonderful that these women are getting the opportunity to cut the time down to about 10 weeks.

I've also been very surprised lately at the lack of compassion people show especially toward people on TV.  Just because someone is on TV doesn't make them less of a person.  I find the more I get in touch with my own compassionate self, the more I hurt to see others act without compassion.

I went to the cat shelter yesterday.  I didn't take my camera but I spent quality time with Ren and all the other cats.  Sadly, another volunteer said he was going to race me to get an apartment so he can adopt Ren.  That was painful to hear because he has 2 cats and he knows how much I love this one.  If he gets Ren, that's okay.  I know he's a good owner and I will find another cat to love, but I still think it would be sad.  It's not often you find a cat that knows to be gentle and keep his claws in.  Ren doesn't hiss, swipe, or bite (except the grooming brush, which he get's annoyed at).  Oh well.  First I need to get some money under my belt.

I hope Mom is well enough to see me next Saturday.  She's got a bad cold (it best not turn to bronchitis again).

Today I acknowledge myself for:
1.  Working out my schedule so I can manage 2 full time jobs plus volunteering at the shelter and having a bit of a life
2.  Focusing on compassion
3.  Seeking advice and acknowledgement from trusted friends
4.  Not letting myself get caught up in what I don't have nor worry about what I may not have
5.  Keeping calm when my finances have come to the breaking point and realizing that in a week or two things will be much better as I start to build money in the bank
6.  Not getting suckered into buying things I don't need or eating out all the time
7.  Not letting myself get too upset about the problems with my work computer
8.  Taking time to calm myself down during the stress of my transition from part time to full time

Today I am grateful for:
1.  My mother
2.  My trusted friends
3.  My time at the Grateful Paws shelter and especially my time with Ren
4.  The kind words of my co-workers in both departments and the helpfulness of my new co-workers in helping me transition from one area to another.
5.  Being able to pay the rent this month
6.  Being able to buy my mother a nice present for Mother's Day, something she probably wouldn't buy for herself

I want to refocus myself on my goals:
1.  Lose weight - whether I have the surgery or have to do it myself, I must lose the weight...all of it.  It's preventing me from doing so much and is a big problem in my life.  It seems like an insurmountable challenge but I have to meet that challenge.  I'm not getting younger.  I want to be healthy so one day I can retire and travel and enjoy whatever time I have left at that point.
2.  School - I look forward to going back.  I want to continue and finish my bachelors.  I'd love to do an MBA but if I can just get my BS, I know I'll feel I've achieved something.
3.  Travel - I can't do it with my weight.  It's too expensive to buy 2 seats all the time and it's just uncomfortable.  I want to travel so bad.  I long to see the world and always have.
4.  Settle into one job or one plus a part time, if need be.  I want to stop working 2 full time jobs.  I want time for myself, time to travel, time to exercise, time to go to museums, time to do so many things...and time to sleep.

cheryllmt at 6:17:40 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own