Lady In Pink Ribbons

So, it is the day after Christmas, and the year is coming to an end. So many say that the year has flown by so quickly. For me, it has been long and difficult, but another year that I am alive, and cancer free. I completed my reconstructive surgery, and although I did not achieve the results I thought I would, I am at peace with what I have. I have accepted the fact that I will never again have a left breast. It is somewhat deformed and causes me great pain and limited mobility, but I can live with it. I have learned, through the past 2 years, 11 months, that I will have great pain, both psychical and mental, in  my life. My goal is to balance my life with filling it with all the blessings and good I have. My husband, my kids, and especially, my friends, who are my family. I love them so very much. They are the candles that light my darkness.

I am hopeful for 2008. there will not be any more breast surgery for me, unless I start to reject the left implant. I will concentrate on building my strength back up. And, I have alot of organizing to! I am making a strong effort to do the things I need to do, but, I will also make time for the things I love... reading wonderful books, scrapbooking with Nancy and Janel, and creating more wonderful recipes to hand down to my children! Marissa has been in the kitchen, which has given me some hope! LoL!

I am also going to make sure I journal as much as I can. there are things that I need to say, important things, and I need to get them on paper. So they will be around, even when I am not.

2008 is going to be my year. My year of Peace. Peace in my soul, my heart, my mind and my life.

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Ten months. Time passes so quickly again. I am no longer counting moments in fear. I am breathing again. So much has happened to me. And yet, not all that much. I have 2 new breasts. I have curly hair now. It touches my shoulders. I am still here. I am still alive. I am still cancer free.

Moving away from THAT DAY, the day I was told, is getting a little easier. I still wake up, and feel my chest, to see if it's real. It is.  My scars are healing. My body is healing. My mind is healing. My spirit is in the process. I still have some of those days. I still cry. Not as much, but I do. But, I live with hope. Hope for a cure. Hope that I've gotten it. Hope that I will die of old age. Hope that I will be a grandmother. Hope that I will see my son, and my nieces graduate from high school. Hope that will have a 40th anniversary with my husband. hope that I have time. A lot of time. Because I have alot of life left inside me.

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It's been awhile since I've been here...learning alot.

   So, I watched the movie "Rent".  Fabulous.  And the song comes, and I've heard it, but this time I listen to it. And each word speaks to me, to my soul, to my core. 525,600 minutes is a year. A measurement of life. And we do that, we measure our lives. Not just in time, but in achivements, in what we attain, our social status, everything we are or have or do, we measure. And, the line, that line, that changed how I measure my life, is "Measure your life in love!" Doesn't seem like much, but when you've had a life threatening disease, all the nonsense kind of falls away and you have the best part of your life, and you realize the love you get and the love you give are the most outstanding,important life lines. And things that used to affect me, just don't. It is more important and fun for me to sit and play cards with my son, and let the dinner dishes sit in the sink.  They'll get clean. I'm not going to miss a moment of good fun to get frantic over dirty dishes, or vacuuming. I love my life, and the people in my life. I am happy to be with my loved ones, to share my 525,600 minutes with them.  I don't measure how much time I have, or will have, I measure the fufillment of that minute.

And, the little yellow pill.  The one I take every day. Well, night. For the next five years...well, 4 1/2 since I've been taking Femare for 6 months now.  Survived surgery, chemo, radiation.  A little yellow pill, that I take every day, gives me the worst side effects. Go figure. So now I walk like penguin with a broom up it's ass. And I get horrible leg cramps, muscle cramps so bad I cry. But i put that little yellow pill in my mouth every night, and thank God someone researched, and created it. It is saving my life. I am still here. Thanks to a little yellow pill...and my onc, and my family...amd my friends...I'm a grateful gal!

The best lesson that I've learned, is so basic. Yet, it is so wonderous, and infinite.  Love is the best medicine!!!!

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Sooooo, Monday, January 9 is my last chemo treatment.  Wow.  When I began my treatment in July, I thought ," How am I going to do this?  How can I get through all this chemo and be ok?  What if something happens to me? What if I can't tolerate it and I have to stop?" .  Well, I made it through, and even though I had some side effects, they were not debiliatating, or permenent.  I have come through, and i am still standing, and I am still grateful, and I am still smiling, and I am still ALIVE!!!!  I stiil see the beauty  in this world, I love everyone even more than before, and i am so looking foward to my life, my future.  I truly believe I will be around to see my grandkids ( none of my kids are even close to giving them to me), and having a long wonderful marriage with the most spectacular husband !!!!!I cannot wait to begin the next phase of my life.  I am excited, and ready.  I have something inside and I need to release it and share it.  So, that's my plan.  I am preparing and planning, and I am hoping when I am finished, it will be helpful to others.

My year ended quietly, and joyfully.  I had what I needed....just the basic important stuff...my family sitting at my table, laughing, eating and just being together.  I have a wonderful friends, Janel & John, who came over the day after a chemo, to decorate my house for me.  How can I not feel such gratitude, when there is so much love surrounding me, making my healing easier, giving hope and peace to my spirit?  I got to sit at my dining room table,  and have my wonderful niece Isabella sroke my bald head, and love every minute of it! I listened to my son and niece Gabby play all day long, and have such a blast!  That is the truest joy of life... to sit and see it and feel it and know it and put it in the memories that you share later on in the fun stories you tell...How wonderful life is, when you learn to just see it, not measure it, or dress it up with fancy ribbons or paper...just the simple sound of laughing, kids playing, your 3 year old niece smiling up at your face while she touches your bald head and you know she loves you and likes touching your head, your kids are so happy that you are sitting there and smiling and that their world will not change...Mom is still going to be here...your husband looks atyou the very same way he did on the day you got married...he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world...bald and one boobed...that's the moment you know...you are fine...you are living...and that's what I am always grateful for...Happy New Year to Me!!!!  2006 is the year for happiness, good health and good living!

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Joyous Noel!  I love Christmas.  It is the best time of the year!  The rebirth of Jesus, celebrated every year, it is such a joy to celebrate!  This year, I feel as though, like Jesus, I am celebrating my rebirth.  On January 3rd, I will be receiving my last chemo treatment for my cancer.  I am overjoyed at the thought that this is coming to an end. It has been a long journey, and it hasn't been easy.  At times, it's been dark.  But, there was always a light to guide me to a safe place...my husband, my sister in law, my kids, my friends.  I can honestly say that I thought the end of chemo would never come, but it is in sight!  Amen!  Thank you, my Heavenly Father for carrying me through this.  I am so humbly grateful for the lessons you've taught me throughout this time.  I know now that I can get through anything.  And I can help those who will go through it.

When I was in the hospital, I was thinking about my grandparents alot.  I usually do at Christmas.  My Grandma loved Christmas.  My grandfather loved any holiday, if it meant food, and the grandkids.  I can remember when I was young, getting dressed Christmas morning, and going to Grandma's.  The smell of the cooking that was going on when that door buzzed open....aahhhhh.  Heavenly.  Pork, rice and beans, sancocho...all the great smells....then Grandma would open her apartment door, and smother us.  We'd run in to see Grandpa, rip our coats off, and look at the gifts under the tree, reading the cards to see which ones were for us. We'd rip them open, scram with absolute delight, and then, we'd go into the kitchen to bug her for some "pre dinner goodies"...a taste of this, or that...and she's pretend to yell at us, then feed us some samples.  Yummy.  There isn't anyone who can come close to cooking like her.  Not even me!  But, I do try.  My husband like my rice and beans.  They are good! i try to do things like Grandma did.  She isn't here anymore, and that breaks my heart.  She died on the 16th of December, 1997.  I like to think God took her home because they needed some good rice and beans in heaven!  I miss her accent, her funny laugh, her love, the way she's look at my kids.  I love you Grandma.  I'll never stop missing you, and Grandpa,too.  He'd have been a wonderful great grandpa, but he never got the chance.

So, now I will be celebrating Christmas in an new light.  I will feel happier, because I have a new life.  A better life, filled with the things that were always there...but I didn't see.  I see them now. And I am grateful for the chance. Because of chemo. I have my life.  And I am so grateful.  For everyone who reads this, let me say may your life be blessed with much love, joy and peace.  Thank you for taking the time to be a part of this. I am so different, and I want to always be grateful, not taking anything for granted.  Life is a joyous journey.  Let us celebrate!  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and happy New Year!

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Damn it!  I got a rock in my shoe.  My onc dr called me last night.  It seems my blood sugar is on the rise...210 and climbing.  He doesn't atrribute it to the steroids.  So, I must go see yet another doctor, get prodded and poked, to see if I now have diabetes. A rock in my shoe...that's what this is.  I was travelling along on my journey, getting a feel for this new road( taxol/herceptin) that I am on.  And, I get a rock in my shoe.  I gotta say, this hurts a little...as I wasn't expecting it.  My worries were on my heart, which the herceptin can adversely affect.  So, I will accept with grace, the fact that I may have diabetes, if it means my heart is safe.  Because I can shake a rock out of my shoe.  And I need  my heart for loving, living and healing.  I'll take the rocks.  They will lead me to the place I need to be...my well place...where I am healed.  Cancer free.  Rocks are ok.  Bring it on...I will do it. I'll shake them out and keep on going.

Because I WILL BE HEALED.  I WILL BE WELL. I WILL BE CANCER FREE.

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So, today is my birthday!  When I was first diagnosed, I thought I might not see this birthday.  I was so afraid I was going to hear the worst.  But, here I am, as strong as ever, and getting closer to my total healing.   So, this birthday, is like being born again.  My life after cancer.   Better.  Because of all that I have learned, and all that I've gotten through, and all that I will learn and get through.  Because my life is different, my dreams are different.  things used to be vague, I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do.  Now, I know.

Dreams used to mean something that I would never put up front...I was afraid to go after them..I didn't want to fail.  But dreams are not just things to want, or to have.  Dreams are goals, places to be, changes to make, to be a happier better human.  My dream is to be the best Breast Cancer advocate I can be.  To help others fight and live and find the joy there is in the comfort of family and friends.  To help find the cure.  To show the women who are diagnosed, and their families and friends that it is possible to triumph over this disease, and to be CANCER FREE.  I dream of my body, after a chemo treatment, and the cells are following the chemo out of my body, and my healthy cells are dancing and rejoicing in my healing.  i dream of the party going on inside me, as the cancer is gone, and my renewed l cells are kicking around and laughing and singing.  My chemo is my salvation, and I am always grateful after each treatment. 

This is my season, as I love to see the colors as I look out the window of the chemo lounge.  Autumn is the wealthiest season, the colors are of jewels, and the Earth is a showcase.  I love the reds, the oranges, the golds....all of the richness endulges my eyes and the smell of cinnimon, nutmeg and ginger just lift me to such a lofty happy place. To me, Autumn is God's greatest pallette.  Everything is so intensely hued. I can almost taste them.  And I love the way it tastes.  Because it's my birthday, and I am alive and I have my dreams and my life is so good.

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2 Words About Cancer And Me

life altering

still me

but changed

love more

love stronger

love family

love friends

laugh always

scared inside

still beautiful

one breasted

no hair

big smiles

red lipstick

good cook

loyal friend

love hugs

no quitter

WILL WIN

These are the words that are me.  I've learned to find all the pieces of me and fit them together to become a better person.  Stronger but more sensitive.  Able to accept love and help from all those who care.  Basking in the thoughts and prayers of people who care.  Being lifted closer to my Heavenly Father, feeling His love and compassion heal my body,mind and spirit.  Knowing what it truly means when you say your vows...to love, honor and cherish...in sickness and in health...to look into the eyes of the man I love and see my future, my dreams my hope, his love.  To be with all the people in my life and enjoy them completely...to quote a line from Wally lamb's wonderful book "She's Come Undone"  I "drink their milkshakes, take their love".  To want to make a difference.  To help others who will follow me down this path. 

I have cancer.

I have faith.

I have hope.

I have courage.

I have love.

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