My life

1:52:04 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet

I have delt with depression my whole life.  As a child I always felt that I would be better off not being here at all...  Everyday, it was a battle for me to just get out of bed and on many occasions, I didn't.  I did get a lot of head aches as a child, so this was always a good reason for me to stay home in bed instead of going to school.  I don't know if my mom every really paid attention to what I was saying or what I was doing, but if I told her I had a headache, she would let me stay in bed all day and wouldn't even question it.  Who knows, maybe she was just so over whelmed with life herself that she couldn't pay attention to others around her...  I really don't know what was going on in her head...  I just knew for me, I wanted to disappear in my room and never be seen again...

I don't know who gave it to me, or how old I was when I got it, but I always had a little piece of paper that had a 1800 number on it.  I used to call the number all the time.  Mom worked 4pm till like 3am, so we were always left alone.  Late at night when Hopie was asleep, I would be scared and had no one to talk to, so I would call that number...  It was only a voice on the other end of the phone, but I can not tell you how many times that voice got me through the night...

I have always had suicidal thoughts...  I have never made any attempts, but the thought was always right there... it was like a demon that I was constantly fighting off...  When the fight got too hard for me, I would call and talk to that voice....  The voice was the only on in the world besides myself, that new I wanted to die.... I was not the type that was seeking attention, I never told anyone how I felt...  When I think back on it now, that scares me...  I truly believe that if it weren't for the voice, I wouldn't have made it through my childhood...

I have always had a deep belief in God.  As a child, my mom used church as a baby sitter.  When ever the doors were open and the bus was running, we were on it.  I know that she wasn't concerned with us learning about God, she just wanted to get us out of the house...  I have to thank God for that...  I learned of Gods love...  The Lord has always been with me in a way that I didn't understand till I was much older..

At the ripe old age of 18,  Everything came to a head...  I had my first heart break..  I was in love with Ricky.  he was 1 1/2 year younger then I was.  We were each others first love.  I had no idea how to make a relationship work...  I was taught at a very young age, that men were dirt..  I was repeatedly told that I didn't need a man except to have babies...  She actually used to tell me to fuck um and leave them...  She actually told me to fuck them in their bed so that I got up and left them...  Now who tells their child this?????

Well  Rick and I were way too young..  we had no idea what we were doing...  we were children playing house and neither of us had had good teachers....  We lived together for a while... We knew that it wasn't going to work, and we were giving up.  It was our last night in our apartment.  I was moving back to my mom's, and I am not sure were he was going....  We were in the apartment that last night... everything was packed up and most of it already moved.  The only piece of furniture was a reclining chair that neither of us could take with us...

I remember we had a pallet made on the floor and that is where we were going to sleep.  There was such a big part of me that didn't want to move.  I was the one that started the whole thing, all I wanted was for him to say he needed me and didn't want to split...  I think he was at a loss and also had no idea how to make it work, so it was just easier...  I was devastated....  My heart was so broken, that I had trouble breathing..

I don't know what started the fight that night, but it got all heated, so Rick said he was going for a walk...  He said that he loved me, but he just didn't know what to do, so he walked out the door....  I thought I was going todo... I had never felt a pain so bad in my life.  It actually felt like someone was sticking knife in my heart...  I couldn't breath..  all I could do was scream.. I needed someone to help me...  my heart was literally breaking and I really didn't think that I was going to make it through...  Like, I actually thought that I was going to die....

I sat in that empty room feeling so alone and in so much pain that I didn't know what to do... I couldn't stop crying and I was having trouble breathing....  so... I hit my knees.  Right in front of that recliner, I got on my knees and just started to pray.. I didn't know what to pray, so I just kept repeating....  God, please help me stop crying,  Please help me stop crying....  Then, like a loud crack of thunder, I heard a voice.  It wasn't inside my head, it was behind me...  Like there was actually someone in the room with me, and when he spoke, if felt as though the whole apartment shook....  The voice said,  "The unborn child"  That was all it said.  I had no idea what it meant, but all of the sudden, my tears stopped.  I could breath again.. it was like a breath of fresh air, and the pain in my heart was gone. 

I got off my knees and sat Indian style in the middle of the living room.  Now I know that this sounds odd, but I felt these arms wrap around me from behind.....  I mean I could actually feel the arms...  they held me so tight that I couldn't move.  I wasn't scared...  there was this feeling of peace in the air that I had never felt before...  I felt LOVE.  A love I had never known surrounded me in that room....  and that voice took my pain away...

When Ricky came back that night, I was still sitting in the middle of the floor.  I could still feel the arms, and they were rocking me...  Rick sat in front of me and said "do you know that I love you?"  All I could say to him was, in a whisper, "he is here, can you feel him?"  Rick asked who was there I said "Jesus, can't you feel him?"  I know at that moment he probably thought that I was literally going crazy. lol

Well we still both moved out the next day.  I was still so depressed that all I did was cry.  My mom had a ACLF, adult congregate living facility, and took care of elderly, so I worked for her while I was living there...  When I wasn't taking care of the residence, I was cleaning or doing laundry....  If I wasn't doing hands on care, I was crying....  I would cry while I washed dishes or any other job that I had to do...  I didn't like the residents to see me cry....  I tried to hide it the best I could, but it was so hard...  My heart was completely broken...  Now I knew that I didn't want to live,

Now, I told you that Mom took care of elderly, so you know she had all kinds of medications available.  I had decided that I just didn't want to go on any more...  I had never tried to take my own life, even though I had thought of all kinds of ways that I could do it through out my life...  Well now I knew....  Mom had one cabinet that she kept locked that had all the narcotics in it...  I knew where she kept the key...

At that time, it wasn't unusual for me to go to my room early.  I knew that mom had trouble dealing with my crying all the time.  I know that she was a horrible horrible mother, but I am sure that she loved me.  I think it broke her heart to see me so sad...  so there fore, I would spend most of my time off in my room...  I knew that I could go to bed early and mom wouldn't know anything till after 9am.

That night, I was in the shower...  I was set.. I knew that I couldn't go on.  I had at least 5 bottles of sleeping pills I could get not to mention all the pain pills she had.. I knew that I had to take a lot.  I had no trouble swallowing pills, so the plan was now set...  Now I told you that I have always thought about it, but I had never made a plan...  I was not fooling around...  I was standing in the shower crying uncontrollably thinking about what I was going to write in the note.  I was going to leave a very detailed note.  I wanted to make sure that the ones that I knew loved me could try to understand what was going on in my head...

While I was in the shower, crying, and trying to figure exactly what I wanted to say in my letter, the Voice came back to me.  It was loud like thunder... and the Voice was behind me, not in my head...  This time the voice said "You can not kill the unborn child."  I was shocked, I turned around and said "What"...  The Voice repeated, "You can not kill the unborn child"  Then that feeling of peace came upon me again... It was everywhere...  My crying stopped and I got out of the shower and called Ricky...  I told him that I need him to take me to get a pregnancy test..

Thatwas a Sunday,  The next day Rick took me, and that is when we found out that I was pregnant...

I have never heard the Voice again.  Once I had Stephen, I knew that suicide was no longer an option...  I could never do that to my baby.  I know that God gave me him so that I would have a reason to live...  I can remember when I would have those suicidal thought, I used to get mad because I couldn't do that now... I had a child that needed me more then I wanted to die....

I think this came to my mind because I haven't been feeling well lately.  I have had to ask myself if I am depressed again.  I know that I was actually sick, and I think it was the flue, but I just can't seem to get over it.  I had to go out of the house yesterday and as I was driving, it was everything I could do not to cry.  I couldn't figure out what I was crying about, but I just couldn't stop...  I am going to the DR tomorrow... I am thinking I may have to call the psychologist that I saw a few months ago...  Maybe that is the problem.  I really don't think I am depressed, I just don't feel well.....

I don't have a lot of graphics in this journal...  and I probably won't, this is a place that I will put my deepest feelings.... 

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4:32:00 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'

My best New Years Eve was 2000.  It was going to be a new century and I just new that I wanted to bring it in right.  I usually don't party on New Years because it is the most dangerous night of the year to be on the road, but I had to party for this one...

I had a neighbor, Vickie.  We decided to have a joint party at her house.  We made flyers and put them out to everyone that we knew.  I couldn't believe how many people showed up.  We only had one problem.  A man nave Pete.  I met Pete in front of my house on the way to the party.  He was just standing in front of the house on the street.  I was already drinking and in a very party mood so I started talking to him.  Turned out he had just moved into the neighborhood so I wanted to be neighborly so I invited him to come on by.  It was about 10pm when the little girls at the party said that he was trying to get them to take a walk in the woods with him.  I am talking about little girls... 8-10.  All the men there just stood around talking about how they were going to kick his ass if he touched one of the kids.  I finally got my son and Roger, Vickie's son to fallow me and we confronted the pervert.  We pretty much told him he had to leave or we were going to call the cops on him, and made it very clear that he wasn't wanted there.... he left willingly... All the men followed him home, then came back talking about how they had handled the situation... I hate it when men take credit for things that they had absolutely nothing to do with...

The rest of the party was a blast. We spent most of our time in the house and on the porch.  At one point, I decided to take a walk to see what was going on out side in the front yard..... When I walked out, I freak ed... The whole yard was full of people and the cars were lined up as far as you could see... I know there was almost 200 people there... that was definitely the best party I had ever had...

I figured that since it was New Years I would tell a New Years story.  Happily, I will say that I don't have any really bad New Years stories.  I was a baby sitter as a teen so I was working every new years from 12-17...'

I think that is all for now...

Happy New Years..

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5:29:12 AM EST
Feeling Quiet

Well this is my first attempt of telling the story of my life.  I have been told so many times that I should write about my life experiences.  I just have never been a writer, so I don't know how this is going to go, but here I go....

Ok, so how should I begin... lets see, maybe the beginning is the best place... My name I MaryAlice I was born on 12/30/1964 in Akron, Ohio.  I was the last of 7, and it has really never been a real secret that Mom definitely didn't want seven...  Mom started having children young. In order  David, Michael, Rosemary, DeeAnna, Vickie Lynn, Hope, and last but not least, MaryAlice.  I was told that she named Hope and was considering naming me Faith, but was afraid that Charity would come along.  lol.

My Mom was married to a horrible man for 14years, and they had the first 5.  when they divorced, I am not really sure why, but he got all 5 kids.  Then when mom was pregnant with Hope, I guess my oldest brother David tried to get the state to take Hope from her.  Well she got to keep Hope.. Her father never was involved in her life... She met my Dad In 1963 and I was born a year later..  A lot of what I know about the early years was told to me, or was read in paper work that i found after my father died...

When I was 6 months old, we lived above a bar.  My mother was always a bar maid and she worked there... I don't know what led to it, but she had a nervous break down.. I was told that Hope went down to the bar crying so some people come up to check on mom and she was found standing over my crib with a knife.  The report said that I was screaming...I am not really sure how much we remember at that age of life, but I am very sure that I was probably very scared and confused.  She was out of control and they had to pull her away from me and force the knife out of her hands... She ended up self admitting herself into a mental hospital and stayed for about a year.

I was in foster care for the first 3 years of my life.  I know that she did have visitation after she got out of t he hospital, but my foster mom tried to keep me.  I know that I was very young when I lived with them, but I do have memories of them.  Helen was a thin woman with dark hair.  She was good to me, and I do remember that she was very kind.. I loved her... Jack.. he was my foster Dad.. He was a very sweet and kind man.  He was very over weight and I remember that he had 3 fingers missing on his hand.  Not sure what hand, but I remember he told me that he lost them in an accident at work..  He was always so sweet to me.  I loved it when he would come home.  I remember always being on his lap.  He always smelt so hood and he never mad me feel bad or scared... I always seemed to be scared..

Helen and Jack had three sons.  they were quite a bit older then I was. David, Danny and Donny.  Donny was the youngest, and he was my favorite,  I remember he used to play with me a lot.  I was always scared of David and Danny and I never really understood why I would feel bad when ever I would think of them.. While I was in counseling I remembered a dream that I always had.  I always thought it was just a dream because I was so young.  How could I remember something so horrible at such a young age.  I only have one memory two memories of them...

Memory of Danny....  It was a beautiful day and we had been outside all day playing.  We had a big yard with a big boat in the back and I loved to run around the boat over and over again. I ran into the house and kicked the cats milk over.  I saw the milk go all over the floor and looked up and Danny was looking down at me.  I was instantly scared and I just seemed to know what was coming next.. I am not sure how old I was, but I know when I looked at him, I was looking at his knees and he looked like a giant to me.. He was only a teenager at the time. He yelled at me and told me to get up to my room. I ran up the stairs to my room and closed the door..

It was a small room with two sets of bunk beds on both sides of the room with a bed on the was between the two beds.   I sat on the middle bed scared to death.. I just know what was going to happen.. I don't know how I knew, but I just did.. It didn't take long before he was coming into the room.  He stood infront of me and asked If I wanted to get out of my room.. Of course being a young child I said yes.  He then said "You know what you have to do"  I stood up and took off my clothes.  He lifted me up on the top bunk with him.  I can remember him laying me on top of him, I could feel him against me.  I turned my head and looked out the window..... That's all I remember....that is the only memory of the abuse that I really have, but I just know that I had the same feelings about David..

Mom got back custody of me when I was three, and she would still let me go spend time with Jack and Helen.  I was there one Easter, years later, and I talked to Donny about it.. I finally had told someone and it was Donny.  Donny said something to one of them and the next thing I knew, they were pulling me in the bathroom with all three of them.  They beat Donny up and threw him in the bathtub.. they both looked at me and said if I told anyone else that they were going to beat me up too.. it was years before I told anyone again...

I don't believe it was easy for Mom to get me back, she had to go through a lot of legal battles and she even went as far as marrying my father to do it.  It was never a secret that she didn't want to marry him. He always told the story..  She was so upset about getting married that she cried through the whole service and was crying so hard that she couldn't say I do, so the preacher said I do for her.lol.. Daddy always said he wasn't married to Mom, he was married to the preacher...lol.  Boy, I miss my Daddy.

My Daddy... Now what a story there.. not sure if I want to go into all that yet, but just let me say.. I loved him very much and he was all mine.  I was the only child he ever had.  He was a drunk.  Actually the only difference between my Dad and a bum on the streets is that Mom owned a home in Akron and let him live in it till the day he died.  He drank hard liquor just about everyday.. He lived at the bar.  He stayed with Mom till I was eight then they separated and he went back to Ohio.. I guess I should have said that we moved to FL when I was 5.

I think that is enough for now.  I don't know how often I will update this but it is a start.

MAC

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