This is who I am

10:44:43 PM EDT
Feeling Annoyed I wish I could say that I know more today then I did last week, but I don't know squat.  They have done a few tests and still nothing.  My Dr seems to be thinking that this may be something normal for me.....  I have CT reports from 4 years ago and they say that there are no lesions or masses so how can a questionable mass be considered normal.  I really don't understand. 
The MRI they did said a questionable mass and the CT scan shows a mass....  and my Dr keeps saying that this may be normal for me....  I am having a PET scan done Thursday.  This test is supposed to show any malignant cells.  Well if it isn't malignant now, that doesn't mean that it won't become malignant in the future....  Everything that I have read says that a benign tumor, left untreated, will become malignant.  I am starting to loose faith in my Dr.  I think he really doesn't know what is going on with me and now he just wants to wait and watch....  I am very uncomfortable with this...  So they are setting me an appointment with Moffitt....  They are the best in this area...  I have to believe that they know what they are talking about and what they are doing....
I was really hoping that I would have had the surgery already...  I have been accepted in the RN program starting August 25th....  I really am hoping that this isn't going to interfere with school, but I will have to do what I have to do.....


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3:01:57 PM EDT
Feeling Nervous

Well it has been two more days and I still really don't know anything else.  I was feeling comfortable with my Dr.  till he called today.  He is now saying that he talked to a radiologist and since there are no signs and all the nest don't look bad it may be normal.  The MRCP did show some changes in the head of the pancreas, but that may be normal????  I don't think so.  We are doning one more test and if it normal they want to just wait 3 months and see if it gets worse.....  My Dr did tell me that he would get all the films for me and help me get another opinoin at Moffitt, so we will see.  I am going for a PET scan this week.  won't know when till Monday....  All this waiting is kiiling me.  I know there is something in there, I can feel it when I am sitting down.  It feels like something right at my diaphram....

I don't know, I know that I feel like I am sitting on pins and needles...  I am optomistic, but also scared.  I know something is there and it needs to get out of there.  I am starting to think my Dr wants to leave it alone since nothing else in wrong....  Everything I have read says that a benign tumor will be come malignant if left untreated....  so lets get it out...  I am starting to feel afraid that they will leave it in there....

I definately will get a second oppinion...

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11:19:21 AM EDT
Feeling Scared I am calling out for all of you to pray for me.  I was told yesterday that I have a mass on my pancreas. It is in the head of the pancreas and is putting pressure on the duadum, aorta, vena cave and multiple lymph nodes.  It is about twice the size of a golf ball. They can not tell right now if it is cancer or not.  I have a test on Friday.  I am not sure when I will have surgery, but the sooner that better for me.....  they have to get this thing out of me.
I have had tumors before and they have both been benign...  I think the fact that it is in the pancreas is what makes this so scary for me.  I can't help but think of Micheal Landon....  it only took him, what, 3 months and he was gone, but look at Patrick Swayze, he is still alive.  Medicine has come a long way.
I so believe in the power of prayer and I know that God is able to do anything.
On a lighter side, I got accepted into the RN program to start this August.  I am so excited....  I have worked hard for this, I should have done it years ago,  I just pray I'm not too late...  That is another reason I want this surgery asap..
I will try to keep you all informed. 
I know that I don't get out here much anymore and I don't get to read much of you all any more, but you all have touched my life...
::::::::Big Hugs::::::::::


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7:52:54 PM EDT
I cannot believe that I am Bamaw again.  That makes three now.  They say that they are done, but I know that my son wants a son.....  I do hope they wait till they try again, but I have learned that I have no control over that at all.  I keep telling him that he is going to have 5 girls if he isn't careful.....  I will say this, he makes some really pretty babies.....LOL




Stephen was very caring through the whole thing.  I felt very blessed to be able to be there for the birth of Adrianna.  I have been there for all three births....  how lucky am I.....






Samarah is such a good big sister, now she is the biggest sister...  I know that Brianna will be a very good big sister too....





Here she is Adrianna Nicole.  she was 6lbs 15oz...  she is just as beautiful as the other two...




Her is Mom with the new big sister.....  I can not believe how big she is getting, this is Breanna..






Not much going on right now, just wanted to share our new joy with you all....
I hope you all are safe and things are going good....



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2:44:46 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Well Hello J-Land

I know that it has been some time since I have gotten out here again.  I didn't think it had been since Christmas though.  I realized it had been a while when I got a call from an old friend....  she said she was worried because I hadn't written in here for so long.  She said that is how she had been keeping up with me and was worried so she called.  It was nice talking to her, but she made me realize how much I missed this journaling thing......LOL

Life has been ok to me.  I am still in school, I have one more class then I am ready to go into the nursing  program.  I have already applied to the program and they are still picking for the 2008 class so I am really hoping that I get in this year.  If not I will have to wait till 2009.  I hate the thought of having to wait, I don't want to get out of the grove of studying.
This semester I took my class on line.  It was so different then going to class. Most of the time I didn't even feel like I was in school.  I think I was too laxed about the whole thing.  I don't think I got my A, but I know I got at least a B.

Things with Mary have been really stressed, but I think they are working themselves out.  We aren't living together right now....  She got some crazy thoughts in her head and she ran away.  I mean she literally RAN.....  I was at work and I was coming home early because I had hurt my back.  I talked to her and let her know I was going home early.  She told me she loved me and to be careful and that she would see me in the morning......  When I got home I called her because I couldn't find her dog and she told me that she packed her stuff and moved out....  I looked and all her drawers were empty....  that is when I started to notice her pictures and other things were gone.   I freaked out....  It was horrible...  I was devastated...  I have never had anyone walk out on me like that before...  There were a couple of reason's that she gave and she know knows they were all stupid bull shit.... she just got scared......

She is so wanting me to move in with her now.  I know that I am going to, but I have to tell ya, I am not as sure of her as I used to be....  She was able to look me in the eyes and tell me she loved me knowing that she was going to leave me.....  She left Feb 17....  she was so sweet and got me flowers and gifts for Valentines day, knowing she was leaving....  Can I tell ya, I definitely have trust issues with her now....  that so sucks because I never had any doubts or distrust issues with her until now...  I won't bore you with the details, I could be here for an hours, lets just say that I am trying to learn to trust her again.  I do love her and I don't want to be without her.....  Now I have to deal with these abandonment issues and trust issues....

You know I have always misstrusted men.  My Mom taught me at a young age that they couldn't be trusted and everyman that I ever loved proved that she was right....  I really never expected this from Mary, I mean, come on, she isn't a man...  I trusted her without hesitation from the first time I met her.....  she has taught me that women can be just as bad, but I think it is a little worse, there is was a connection that I had with Mary that I never had with any man....  I just hope I can get past this and we can move forward....

The girls are doing great, they are getting so big, here are some pictures that I took yesterday.  They spent two days with me.  Number three will be here Monday, at least that is when they are going to induce labor.  Her name  is Adrianna Nicole.....  another girl.....  My son is already talking about trying for a boy...  I swear he is going to have 5 girls....  oh and did I mention, this is two years without a job!!!!!!!!!!  I am so proud........ I want to cut his winky off...... I don't know what the hell that boy is thinking, but I love him and I always will..







Samarah will be 5 in July...  I can not believe that my Newnabug is starting kindergarten this year she does look a lot like her mother....
.

Breanna turned one in November...  she is such a lover and Samarah is such a good big sister.  When I was young I wanted 5 kids, but I was only blessed with one...  I think he is going to get my 5 children....  I say better him then me, I love being Bamaw....LOL

Well, just wanted to pop in for a quick update....  I hope you all are safe and healthy...  One of these days I am going to take one day just to catch up on you all...

Hove a wonderful Day......


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2:00:35 AM EST
Feeling Happy

Well Ladies, it is almost Christmas time again.  I was sitting to start my Christmas cards and realized I lost my list of adress when my comp crashed....  I had some j-land adresses and some of the old chubclub girls ...  If any one would like to be on my list please email me your adress too   cottoncandi12306@aol.com....  I love sending cards and I love getting them....

Thanks

MaryAlice

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3:24:54 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

WOW!!!!  Thank you all for you support and words of encouragement...  That was a real bad day for me....  I kind of had an emotional breakdown, but like someone said in their comment.....  It could only go up ....  I hate when I get so low that all I can do is cry..  I have gone through times like that my whole life...  I have learned that it can only get better and it always does...  I also know that God is still in control even when I am not.....  It just sucks to go through it....

I felt better the next day when I got up..  And my son called...  I know that he doesn't intentionally mean to hurt me...  We talked about it...  I truly understand why he felt that he had to move...  I was not really hurt by that.. It was messed up about the electric bill, but that is just money...  I refuse to let that get between us..... Just the fact that he didn't say anything to be about the move, I felt like he was running from me, and I didn't understand what I had done to make him feel that he had to run...  We have always talked about things...  I just didn't understand that. and it felt like my heart had been ripped out...  He apologized and really seemed to understand the way I felt.....

He is talking to me again...  I do want him to always know that I will be there for him.. he has to do what he has to do..but when or if he needs me, I will always be here...  I think he knows that, I just hope that he doesn't let pride stop him from asking for help...  He has called me like 5 times since we talked..  He seems really excited about the move.  Sounds like he is in a pretty nice house and in a good area..  He is very close to all my family down in St. Pete Largo area, so I know that he is not alone...  not to mention that Mom will get to see her grandchildren more.. I know that she will like that..

I have talked to Samarah, she doesn't sound like herself to me...  She keeps telling me that her stomach hurts.  Stephen says she is eating and hasn't been acting sick, but that she was made at him because he wouldn't give her her way....LOL..  She is 4...  the fun is beginning...LOL

Yes Stacy, Mary is still her and she is still great..  It is just that when I get that way, I seem to push everyone away and lash out at all the wrong people...  Lucky for her, she got a call from her step daughter, she was in town with the new baby and wanted to see Mary.....  Can I tell you, she ran out of her faster then I could say boo.....LOL

I didn't blame her... I really was out of control of myself and my emotions.  I had yelled at her once....She doesn't deserve to be yelled at .....  I was really kind of glad that she was gone for a few hours...  I was a bit better when she got home, but I still was crying on and off and really didn't talk to any one much...  She just stayed by me and read her Harry Potter....LOL....That was just what I needed her to do...

WOW!!!!!  My journal is so plan now...  I am sorry, I just don't have the time with school...  One day I will get back in the groove..Right now school is a priority..

I am taking Microbiology now and it is kicking my a**.  Next semester I only have to take Live Span and Sociology, those won't be nearly as hard at Micro, then I can apply for the nursing program...  Once I get in the program, it is only 10 more months....  I just may graduate before I turn 45.....LOL  I will be the first one in my family to graduate college....  My goal is to graduate with honors ........

Well I have been studying for about 5 hours, I am going to read a little Harry Potter and go to bed...  I am on the 5th book... I love Harry Potter, he is so cool...  I have never been much of a reader, but these books are awesome....

Thank you all again for your encouragement...  I really does mean alot...

God Bless

MaryAlice

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4:31:48 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

Why is it that when things seem to be going so well life throughs you a curve and it feels that this thing they call life just isn't worth it any more.  I try and I try....  I really thought things were all good. 

School is going so good for me right now.  I am still on the presidents list and I have been invited to join Phi Theta Kappa.  This might not seem like anything to some, but I was completely shocked.  I never was a good student in high school and LPN school was a real challenge for me, I scrapped by with Cs...  Now to be doing so well....  I was really proud of myself.....

In the last month, I have had to get new teeth and now I had to get glasses.  I have never had to wear glasses in my life...  all of the sudden everything is falling apart....

Now last but not least....  My son, My baby....  the one who gave me a reason to live when I couldn't think of any other reason to stay on this earth....  has packed up my grandbabies and moved away without even telling me....  He says that he can't talk to me because I am always bringing him down....  I didn't even know that he was upset with me...

you know, it isn't even the fact that he has moved, it is the fact that he didn't even talk to me about it.....  I didn't even get to say goodby to my grandbabies...  I didn't even get to see them...  they have not move far, only an hour away....  he seems to think that it is no big deal....  To me it isn't the fact that he has moved, but not even talk to me....  not even say goodbye...  He was living in my house, i guess he couldn't pay the electric bill and he was affraid to tell me about it... so what did he do...  Fuck MOM!!!!!!!  and just move away...

I know that I will be able to see the babies again...  at this point right now that isn't even the point...  I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of me...  My son says that he can't talk to me, that he has anxiety when he thinks about calling me....  I swear I have no idea what I ever did to make him feel this way...  i have always thought that we were so close..  All I can think about right now is "what is life worth now"   I tried to be a good mom...  I was raised by a very bad Mom, so I tried doubly hard to make sure that I wasn't like her....  I thought I had, but now I am not so sure...  My son says that he doesn't hate me and he isn't trying to hurt me, but he just can't talk to me..... 

All my life I have had these thoughts of not wanting to live...  I had to fight my whole life to find a reason to live, then God have me Stephen..  he was my reason...  when these thoughts would come, I would remember him and that was what kept me holding on......  Right now I feel that I don't have that any more....  I keep seeing the pills and the bottle.....  I have never tried to kill myself and I am not saying that I am going to do it now.....  I have never talked to anyone when I was having these feelings except a help line I used to call when I was a child......  So many nights I talked to that voice on the phone.....  they helped me so many nights....  just seening me through so that I didn't do something stupid.....  How I wish I had that number right now...

So many people have hurt me in my life...  I never thought that my son would be one of them...

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6:12:03 AM EDT
Feeling Anxious

Warning!!!!!!!

May contain explicit sexual content and fowl language, if you are easily offended, you may want to stop now.....

 

I have no idea why I am up so early....  I just woke up and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.  Mary and I are still living with our friend Amy, and all of our stuff is stuffed into one room.  It wasn't bad at all when it was just me, now it is Mary and I living out of one room.  it is so cramped that I can't even move.  And did I mention that we have three dogs, two rabbits, and two rats in this room with us...... We were going to move but none of us want to do that.  Amy has cleaned out a closet for us so maybe we can make it roomier in there..... Amy would have a very hard time paying her bills without us here right now, and I know that she doesn't want to live her alone.  I don't want to move because I really like it here, it is very close to work and school, and it is just really nice here...

I woke up knowing that something was wrong.  one of our dogs had just jumped back on the bed, and I couldn't help but wonder why she had gotten down... sure enough, when I got up, the first thing I did was step in piss, then in shit...  I was so pissed.  I am so sick of these dogs shitting on the floor, I don't know what has gotten into them all of the sudden shitting and pissing everywhere....  the thing that really pisses me off is that we have doggie doors.  they have complete access to outside without even asking to be let out.....  so what the f__k.....

I can't stand my life right now...  I know it is me, I am getting totally out of control....  My eating is out of control again, I know my sugars are up, but my accu check machine isn't working so I can't even check it.  I am having lab work done this weekend.  I know it isn't going to be good and my Dr is going to want to up my diabetes meds.  I guess I have no choice at this point, I am going to have to let her do it. 

I really wanted to get the lap band, but I can't afford to take on another payment like that, I mean it is like buying a new car....  we are already paying for two new cars, I really can't take on another...  I need to get my ass back to WW...  or else I am going to end up eating myself to death....  Mary is so sweet, but she is not a help when it comes to watching what I eat...  She always tells me that I am beautiful and she can't see where I have gained, but come on.....  who the hell is she fooling, not me...  all my close are tight and my legs are swollen again.  I have pitting edema in my legs.  I am always complaining of my back and feet hurting me again....  Of course she doesn't mind rubbing them for me.......of course, she has gained weight since we have been together also,  doesn't bother me, but fact is fact....

School is great, I made the president's honors list....  I have never made straight A's my whole life.  I am pretty proud of that....

Mary is great...  we are doing good.  I do only have one real issue that is starting to worry me.....  I am not a lesbian...  Mary is....  she isn't into sex, so I don't have to deal with that, but I have really started to think about the fact that I can never have sex again...  that really bothers me....  Mary says that isn't the truth, that we can have sex, but we don't!!!!! Now this may seem nieve, or just plain stupid, but I have not had sex with a woman, I really don't know what I am doing, and I am not comfortable with being the aggressor,  Well Mary isn't the aggressor either, like she won't start anything....  I don't' know, we have talked about it over and over, but nothing has changed....  I have always enjoyed sex with a man, and just because I am with a woman, doesn't mean that I don't want to be with a man, sexually, again.....  I know it isn't fair to Mary, but I have even told her that she is the lesbian in this relationship, why doesn't she know how to do something about our sex life....  cause let me tell you, we don't have one!!!!!!!!!!

Now it had been a long time since I had been with a man, and it really didn't bother me much going without sex, but I knew that I could if I wanted to....  now...  I am not allowed to be with a man...  I understand that it would hurt her and it isn't fair to even think I can be with someone else...  But the thought of never having sex with a man again really stresses me out..  And Mary doesn't even want me playing with my toys unless she is here, so I don't even get to do that anymore without feeling guilty about it.....  I love the companionship, and I really love our relationship...  I don't trust men, and never really have, but trusting them and f--cking them are two different things.....  I have been stressing about this on and off, sometimes I think that I am sexually frustrated....  I know it sounds bad, but come on ladies, even we need that tension release once in a while.....  I don't know... I don't really want to do anything about it because I know that I will loose Mary and I by no means want to hurt her...  I am so afraid that I will...  and is sex really worth it?  I don't think so...

Ok I am going to get off this soap box.  I know that it has been so long since I have been on here that I may not even have anyone even read my journal any more...  can't blame anyone but me.  I am going to try to read a few this morning, I really do miss all of you in J-Land.....

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4:37:01 PM EDT

Well hello again... It has been a long time.  I am trying to catch up on you all, but it has been hard.

I have been sick lately.  I had some kind of stomack flue a couple weeks ago...  I thought I was going to die.  that lasted about three days, then last friday I started getting real stuffy and coughing a lot.  I finally went to the Dr Friday because it had been a week, and I was still running  low grade fever....

The Dr said that I have sinusitis..  she was more worried about the low grade temp because of my diabetes.  I guess my sugar isn't really in good control.. it isn't out of control, but not as good as she wants it to be.  She was going to raise my blood sugar meds, but I begged her to give me two more months to try to get it undercontrol myself.   I really haven't been very good with my eating...  I have started eating candy again... Not alot, but as a diabetic, only a little can be too much.

I have taken a likin to those Take 5...  I don't know if you have tried them, but they are the bomb... they are pretzles covered with chocolate.  Mary is so sweet.. she loves to try to surprise me, but she is so bad at surprises...  she likes to buy Take 5 for me because she knows it makes me smile..  The Dr told her that she has to stop that.... 

I worked sick last weekend, and it really sucked.  I had to wear a mask all night..  All I kept thinking was how would I like to be in the hospital with a sick nurse taking care of me...  The Dr put me out of work this weekend, and I know that it is for the best...  I am a little concerned about my job...  they don't like ti when you miss work...  I know that I have a DR note, but that doesn't always matter to them... they give you 6 sick days a year, but if you use 4 of them, you get written up... it think this is like 6 or maybe 7...  I may get in trouble for this one..

The kids are doing pretty good.  The baby is getting big so quickly and Samarah isn't a baby any more... she is quite the big girl now..  Stephen is in jail for VOP...  he goes to court the 24th of this month... he should get time served and be done with it, but we will find out..

I have been really impressed with how Jen is dealing with it...  she is taking good care of the kids and she is even keeping the house clean....  and paying the bills.  I know that it hasn't been easy for her, but she is handling it like a champ.... I can see that she is growing up... finally...LOL

I have a lot of studying to do...  this is the last part of my anotomy class and this time the teacher is doing it different.  We are studying the nervous system.. and he isn't even lecturing about it... I have to learn it on my own.. I am no good at self study, so it has been pretty difficult for me...

I hope you all are doing well.. I am going to try to read a few journals today...

Have a great day..

MaryAlice

 

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