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4:31:00 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
"What is life worth now"
Why is it that when things seem to be going so well life throughs you a curve and it feels that this thing they call life just isn't worth it any more. I try and I try.... I really thought things were all good.
School is going so good for me right now. I am still on the presidents list and I have been invited to join Phi Theta Kappa. This might not seem like anything to some, but I was completely shocked. I never was a good student in high school and LPN school was a real challenge for me, I scrapped by with Cs... Now to be doing so well.... I was really proud of myself.....
In the last month, I have had to get new teeth and now I had to get glasses. I have never had to wear glasses in my life... all of the sudden everything is falling apart....
Now last but not least.... My son, My baby.... the one who gave me a reason to live when I couldn't think of any other reason to stay on this earth.... has packed up my grandbabies and moved away without even telling me.... He says that he can't talk to me because I am always bringing him down.... I didn't even know that he was upset with me...
you know, it isn't even the fact that he has moved, it is the fact that he didn't even talk to me about it..... I didn't even get to say goodby to my grandbabies... I didn't even get to see them... they have not move far, only an hour away.... he seems to think that it is no big deal.... To me it isn't the fact that he has moved, but not even talk to me.... not even say goodbye... He was living in my house, i guess he couldn't pay the electric bill and he was affraid to tell me about it... so what did he do... Fuck MOM!!!!!!! and just move away...
I know that I will be able to see the babies again... at this point right now that isn't even the point... I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of me... My son says that he can't talk to me, that he has anxiety when he thinks about calling me.... I swear I have no idea what I ever did to make him feel this way... i have always thought that we were so close.. All I can think about right now is "what is life worth now" I tried to be a good mom... I was raised by a very bad Mom, so I tried doubly hard to make sure that I wasn't like her.... I thought I had, but now I am not so sure... My son says that he doesn't hate me and he isn't trying to hurt me, but he just can't talk to me.....
All my life I have had these thoughts of not wanting to live... I had to fight my whole life to find a reason to live, then God have me Stephen.. he was my reason... when these thoughts would come, I would remember him and that was what kept me holding on...... Right now I feel that I don't have that any more.... I keep seeing the pills and the bottle..... I have never tried to kill myself and I am not saying that I am going to do it now..... I have never talked to anyone when I was having these feelings except a help line I used to call when I was a child...... So many nights I talked to that voice on the phone..... they helped me so many nights.... just seening me through so that I didn't do something stupid..... How I wish I had that number right now...
So many people have hurt me in my life... I never thought that my son would be one of them...
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Guido mentioned in his journal that you needed some support, so I came right over to listen to you.
I can see that you are proud of what you are involved with in school and that you are on the presidents list and been invited to join Phi Theta Kappa. You have new teeth and glasses are coming soon. Five good things so far....to be proud of and happy about.
If I've got it right then your son and grandbabies were living with you? That would fill up your days and time in between school.
However, its not normal for a son and hisyoung family to live with the grandparent/'s. They will naturally want to spread their wings and stand on their own two feet. And make their own home rules and way in life from the guidance you gave him over the years. Because you brought your son up so well, you should be proud of him for the fact that he isn't prepeared to 'bum' off you all his life. That's a man's decision he has made and you helped him to be his own man. That's what good parenting is all about. I'm sorry if their seems to be tensions between you both but perhaps its because he knew how badly you would take this decision to move away for his family sake.
I hope you rejoice in his decision and welcome him home any time he wants to. and I hope too that this extra time and freedom you have been given will now be spent on the things you want to do with your life. You have made such a good start already. My son lives two and a half hours drive away from me, and my daughter lives one and a half hours away. When I see them again its like Christmas and birthday's all rolled into one. Its quality time. I wish that for you when things settle down. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Show them how well you can get on with putting some quality back into your life. You have been brilliant at that so far...carry on the good work! You deserve it too! Time -
Correction:
I should have said, He would NOT have stiffed you with the utility bill.
Thank you.
Vinelines -
Please be encouraged today. Everything that concerns you and your son is important. Both of you are important. Both of you do love each other. However, because men and women are different, they handle their problems differently. Women express themselves more verbally than men. Men may use one or two words to expess themselves. Expressing your love for family is great, but sometimes we do have to give each other space. Love doesn't stop because we give space to one another, but it allows us to heal and regroup. We can move, but love never goes away so easily. Mother will always be mother. It is true that when a person experience depression, without trying are realizing it, affects everyone around them. Whereas the person who is depressed may progress, the other person starts sinking and loses joy for life. If your son was thinking properly, he would have stiffed you with the utility bill. That's just an indication that something was wrong. A mother's unconditional love kicks in. He will learn to love by watching you. Mother be encourage and I will pray all works out for you.
Vinelines -
I'm wondering WHY you think YOU'RE the problem, maybe your son is going through some things right now, you don't want to give him anything more to worry about. Listen, hon, your son moving one hour away doesn't mean he's pushing you out of his life, I bet you'll be very surprised at how much closer your relationship with your son will become BECAUSE he's moving away, hard to understand, but believe me, that happens ALOT!!! Please don't assume that YOU are his problem, he will still need you throughout his life, they always do!! Maybe one day he'll be able to talk to you about things he's dealing with now, I hope you'll be around to give him time to do that.
http://journals.aol.com/preciousone25/JoannsWeightLossJourn ey/
Joann
9/18/07 1:44 PM
Love,
Kat