CrazyBabyGirls Weightloss journal

I'm holding at 205.6, but I haven't exactly gone out of my way to put anything into it... I'm going to say right now it needs to change... because i have tons of clothes that I once wore, and need to fit back into. I don't want to buy clothes in bigger sizes... School is stressing me out. My mothers health issues are beginning to concern me... because I need her around.... and also, if I dont start taking care of myself now... its only going to get worse and I may end up having the problems that my mom has... plus some!

My chest has been hurting me lately... I may go to general medical and see a doctor because i've thought it was heart burn, but ive taken tums and pepcid ac yet the same sharp chest pain comes and goes... and somtimes feels funny when i breathe. Maybe I'm just paranoid... or stressed out too much... who really knows so either tomorrow or friday i plan to go see a doctor.

Hope you all are doing well

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

So... here i go again! Tom has come to visit, and when I last checked my weight I was up to 210.0.  I'm gonna pull one of those "I'll start my diet on Monday", but only I am really going to do so. I want TOM to be gone before I make an "official" weigh in. I also think I will be going to join weight watchers, just because I need an actual weigh in date... and people to see and help me through it. I need some sort of actual guidelines... This time I have to be serious... no more excuses. I need to take all my problems and stress and anxiety and put it into focusing on school, and progressing in weight loss!

Biggest Loser is also a new season, which started tonight and I am always inspired by them. And I've been thinking a lot about all the health  and weight info that Josh had given me... just days before he passed. Life is crazy... I need to use his abilities as inspirations to better myself... one day at a time... a pound at a time... Monday marks the day... and I will go from there.

I'm going to see the doctor on friday to see what they will say about my weight, sleep problems, anxiety, possible depression,stress, and did i mention i have a cold? It will be a visit for lots of things! jeeze! Anyway hope you all are doing well!

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

I hate days like today.... its raining, and gloomy... exactly the way I feel. I went to class today... but I missed my first class at 10:00.... i knew I HAD to be there, but I couldn't make myself get up and get out of bed... I layed there and listened to it rain... I don't understand why some days are harder than others... and some professors just have no understanding for any situation. School is priority, Attendance is required, and if you miss more than 2-3 classes (depending on the class) you are automatically dropped... no excuses. I did go to be second class at 12 though... then wished I would've just sat in bed. Last thursday, I sat in my philosphy class... and out of no where started crying.... literally. I had to get it together really quick. Sometimes it hits me at the most awkward of moments.. I was thanking God, my professor let us out early that day. And Now I'm home... sitting here alone, and usually this is around the time Josh and I would talk through IM's.... he worked at a coffe shop in the morning from like 6am to 2pm... so when I came home from my morning classes, we would chat online. It's lonely... and I cry... just like last night I could not get myself together. i cried myself to sleep at some point i did go to sleep, but I know I went through half a box of tissues in the process.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real... I'm sitting here crying, and I sometimes feel like I'll never get passed this... Everyone talks about how he's in heaven and hes in a better place, and when the time is right that I will see him again.... but theres a part of me that wonders will I ever really see him again? Or is the last memory I will ever have of him is laying in that casket... and knowing that the last time I'll ever get to know hes there in front of me when i stood at the casket balling my eyes out and holding his hand.... it wasn't real.... at all! It feels like a bad dream... and I can't breathe from it.

And then, I know this is terrible, but he donated some organs and what not that was available... and theres a part of me that absolutely hates the person that has his skin graph, or the parts to his heart.. or anything else that they took from him... because their alive and he's not. I wanna bring him back... It's just so difficult... he was like my older brother... we grew up together... and theres apart of me that feels guilty because I left NY and moved to NC, and I lost 7 years of his life. Maybe this all could have been prevented, maybe things would have been different.

I try to think more positively... and think of all the things the pastor said in his sermon. He said that josh was a gift from God... and that if God came to us and said "I have a gift for you, but you can only keep that gift for 23 years... without knowing what the gift is... would you take it?" Everybody answered yes.... I answered yes.. but still it's not fair... why him? Why take him, when theres so many other people out there who are throwing their lives away, and have nothing to live for... their killing theirselves... with drugs and etc... I don't know why I'm having such a hard time today.... i think I'm going to have to put everything away... pictures, and stuff like that, and I guess I need to block out the memories for a while.... because I can't handle it right now... I'm grieving, and I don't know how to cope...

I still wait for him to IM me.... and everytime I get a text message, I still open it, expecting it to be from him... I miss him. He was truly unique... there is no one who could ever take his place or fill his shoes in this life. This all sucks!!!

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe... like I have something sitting heavily on my chest.... like I need to take deep breathes and relax. It feels like anxiety, and I've never been this way before. I have to appetite... i don't want anything to eat... I've been forcing myself to eat a cheese sandwich. 2 slices of bread and a slice of american cheese. and turkey lunchable packs. Anything else I feel like I could throw up. I don't even want to drink anything... i have to force myself to drink too. I don't know whats wrong with me. I've been very emotional lately, I thought because of TOM but he is gone and has been for a few days now. It seems like ever since Josh passed away I am so messed up... I don't know what to do. I'm trying with each passng day, but im hurting and it's hard.

I weighed in at 201.6.... I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm back down but still I know I'm not losing for the work and effort that I've put in... it's simply not wanting to eat, and feeling depressed. I'm going to make a dr's appointment... maybe they can give me something to help me sleep and feel better.

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

I started classes yesterday. Seems like I just graduated yesterday. I have no idea where the summer went. It amazes me how much time flies! This will be my last semester at the Community College, and I will again graduate with my Associate's in Arts in December. That will give me 2 Associate Degrees. I'm excited, because after that I'm off to a University. I think I've finally got my life in order... at least with school. I sat down and searched out information, and made a 2 year plan, so that by May 2010... I will be a University Graduate with a B.S. in Psychology and minor in Criminal Justice. I finally feel like my heart and mind are in the right place. :)

As a result of the craziness in my life... I am back up to 208 when I weighed in yesterday, but I also have TOM visiting, so it's safe to say I'm about 3 pounds heavier than I would normally be. Plus, I am still grieving the unknown and unexpected death of my cousin. They still say its going to take 3-5 months for the autopsy results to come back. I still picture every moment of life with him here, and it still hurts me heart. Time will heal it, but its still hard... I'm trying, and he'd want me to go on with life... just wish he was here to go on with life WITH me. But, now that school is in session, and I have a "real" schedule to go by... I need to get a good diet and exercise schedule going too. That way everything is in sync and I can make everything easier on myself. Back to the gym Monday, and I am looking for an additional job closer to home during the week. Plus, I need to set up arrangements to start working or volunteering in a Dental office to rack up my hours of experience... that will help on my application to dental school. I have things that need to be done for the remainder of this week. But I'm looking at starting back to the gym on Monday... and by then.. TOM will be history... and I think I'm going to make things as easy on myself as possible, and head back to weight watchers and see what I can do with eating... I swear its all in my head because ww is fool proof and if i stick to the basics and don't get all that fancy creative jargen going, then i should be good to go. It's made simple especially when I can buy meals with the point value already on the box! So, everyone MONDAY it IS!

I have lots of ideas, lots of goals, LOTS to get accomplished and I'm going for it. I hope all you ladies have been doing good, and I'm looking forward to catching up and hearing from you all! Hope you all enjoyed your summer! :)

Health, Wealth, and Happiness!

Arriel

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

I've been trying to do better. Life is crazy... and short might I add... It's been rough these past two weeks.  I can't eat, can't sleep, I don't feel good. I'm just going through some things... I think the hardest part is facing that he's gone. I should be thankful that God gave my family and I an extra year with him, and I am... I just hate that he had to go when he had so much to live for. Then, at times... I think... What did he have to live for? He was forced to live life on a leash like a small child. He was suffering brain damage, the whole one side of his brain was dead. He was then diagnosed as bipolar... and also having problems with his blood pressure. Who would want to live that way... everyday was a fight... a struggle... a challenge. He couldn't play hockey, he couldn't play lacross, he couldn't do his martial arts... and that was his passion. It just sucks... to have to say goodbye... but in my heart when I see how much he struggled, and how angry he was that he couldn't remember and couldn't do the things he loved... I know it was his time... and I know that he is where he should be... and has no restrictions at all. I'm just upset because I'm selfish... I wanted him here for me... he was amazing to me before and after the accident... In total at the 3 wakes... there was at least 500 (+) people who attended... That was just the kind of person he was... at 23 years old... he's accomplished so much and came across people from all walks of life. The pastor who did the sermon at the funeral was amazed himself.... he said "it didn't matter what kind of sermon i did... there was so many people of all cultures, religions, and choices... and not to be funny or disrespectful, but there was even gay couples, and kids wearing t-shirts with the 'anti-christ' symbol on them... I am amazed at the people he encountered in life, and how they all showed up to support him in his final hours on earth".... Someone even passed out in the middle of the service... of course I balled my eyes out, and stopped to laugh because Josh has always had that effect on people, and that sense of humor.... rather than let people be upset and cry... he'd make something happen or say something to make u laugh or smile... so I knew he was there... and better than ever... my favorite thing about him was he NEVER judged... he accepted everyone as they were... well except after the accident... he had an issue with dirtiness... he was a germiphobe... he didn't like to be around some people because they looked dirty... LOL Dr's said that was normal for patients suffering severe memory loss and brain damage... I just laugh because he was anal about hand sanitizer...  I remember one time I told him I would be right back because I was going to use the bathroom, and when I came out he asked.. "did u sanitize"... and i was like "uhhh yeah" I really miss him. I don't know when or if I'll ever get over it and face the facts... I still cry everyday since I found out.  I can only learn from him, and carry on his memory in my heart. Life is too short, and I take it for granted... so with that said... it's time to start living for me... I need to be healthy for me. I'm down to 201.2... but that is only because I've been so depressed.... and i have no appetite... or energy to do anything... One day at a time though... and sometimes it's even worse.... sometimes I can only take it one breath at a time.... but in due time... I will be ok, and get where I need to be.

Thank you to all who commented on my last entry. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers...

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

Remember last year I wrote about my cousin Joshua being in a severe car accident, and was suffering kidney failure and had brain damage. He made an immaculate recovery and was improving each and every day... Well, he passed away sometime in his sleep. I'm absolutely devestated... I'm going home to be there for my family and to the funeral and I dont know what to do... I'm a mess! I literally Just saw him on July 5th.... and now he is gone.

Joashua (left) and my brother Michael (right)
July 5th, 2008

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

 I changed my hair color again... its a dark brown... almost black... love it! Above is my new myspace pic! :) Well, the scale junkie (me) is at it again... I'm down 203.0... I haven't been doing too much. I've just been keeping myself busy and trying to keep from sitting around... so even though I'm just cleaning... I'm still burning some calories by keeping in motion! I've also been working with my arm weights... I wish there was a faster way to get rid of flab, but it is what it is, and as long as I continue I got to see results some time or another... just can't give up!

TOM has FINALLY arrived (today)... I knew he was coming, but I don't know why he was procrastinating... I'm going to assume stress. It's amazing what stress can do to a person! I'm sleepy! I worked this morning... and made a whole $23.00 in 4 hours... wasn't exactly worth my time... I either need to look for another job, or pick up extra hours. I've just been getting so much done around the house that I hate to pick up more hours and not finish my started projects... I have to find time for both... I need to make money to pay bills, and finish all i started! I work tomorrow morning too, so hopefully I'll make something more than 23 bucks! Plus I will be leaving in a few short weeks to go back to NY.

Anyway... Hope you all are doing well! :)

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this