Jib Ho!!

OK Let's talk sailboats for just a second. I know, I know, you have no interest in sailing and you don't give a flip about the whole concept of a technology that is as outdated as the horse and buggy. I understand that, and in fact, in many ways I agree that old freaks still trying to learn how to harness the wind on water are no different than the families that make "trail rides" on horses or train teams of mules to work in tandem. I know this, I really do, but I don't freakin care because the whole concept of how man has turned the puzzle of capturing wind on water into a fine science is freaking amazing.... and something I will NEVER fully grasp.

First let me say, from what I have seen about 80% of sailing is all natural and instinct. You can feel the force of the wind on the boat and the rudder and if you ever rode a bicycle then you can make a sail boat sail. Unfortunately there is that other 20% of the time that you need to know a few things or you will find yourself in the drink and your boat upside down and possibly sinking.

I will not address these things you should know in bad situation because frankly I don't have a clue what they are. DO NOT go sailing with a guy who has no clue, because the odds of you needing the guy who knows that other 20% on your day on the water will increase ex potentially. Instead, let's talk parts of the boat.

A sailboat is a regular boat with a huge ass pole sticking up in the middle. This pole can not stand on its own and needs to be secured by several steel cables. These cables are attached to various parts of the boat. The large main cable in the front and the large main cable in the back are called stays. The front one is a fore stay and the rear one is a back stay. The cables on the sides are called shrouds. All I want you to remember at this point is the fore stay.

The fore stay runs from the top of the mast (big ass pole) to the tip of the nose of the boat. This keeps the mast (big ass pole) from falling backwards. But the Fore stay serves another very important purpose. This cable actually holds up the front, or head sail on the boat. These head sails can run from any size ranging to tiny kite size for sailing in storm winds, to huge freakin sails that could cover the entire boat. You attach the sails by little clips that have to be individually snapped onto the fore stay and hook them to a line running down from the top of the mast (Big ass pole) called a halyard. At the end of this triangle shaped sail is a metal grommet that has two ropes (called sheets) that go on opposite sides of the boat. Thus when you pull on the Halyard the head sail will rise to the top of the mast (Big ass pole) and you stretch it out to catch the wind by pulling on either the right or the left sheet. This creates the recognized big full triangle shaped sail.

But here is the deal. I live in Oklahoma where even our most famous citizen, Will Rogers, said something like, "If you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait five minutes and it'll change."

So picture this: You are out on a perfect day for sailing. Bright sunshine glistening off your two inches of sun screen as the wind blows at a semi steady 7 miles per hour. Life is good as you gently sway across the watery surface of the lake when a cloud descends upon you like Highway Patrol Trooper in a speed trap. Suddenly the wind shifts directions two or three times, the water grows choppy with waves and your little boat is bounced back and forth violently. I know now (called hindsight) that there are ways to deal with this situation. You lower the main sail to make it smaller and lash it down with what is called "reefing lines" or bits of thin rope. Then you replace your giant head sail with a smaller storm jib.

This all sounds pretty simple right? And while it is exciting and adventurous to reef the main, think about this boat getting slammed up and down violently in the water. Waves crashing over your bow as some old fucker hands you tiny bit of material and points to the front of the narrow, wet, bucking deck in the storm and says, "Hey, why don't you go up there and replace the head sail with this storm jib?"

Standing on wet, slick fiberglass as the boat is tossed about defenseless by the storm, nothing to hold onto except the forestay IF you can make it all the way out there, and then you have to use both hands to manipulate all those clips to remove the head sail and then attach the storm jib. It's a damn good way to get killed is what it is!

So with Father's day just around the corner from this weekend's Mother's Day, this is my hint that what Dad might really like this year is a $1200.00 roller furler system that allows you to stay in the safety of he back of the boat and pull a tiny little rope to make the head sail larger or smaller as you need. Now really, aren't you glad I tried to share my interest in sailing with you?