My day and thoughts

What a miserable weekend. I tell you, I have the letter L in big red letters tattooed on my forehead!
 Friday things fell apart. For some reason everything I said or did was wrong. That night while burning garbage I fell off the steps and hit my head and bruised my shoulder and head. I think I may have been knocked out for a minute or 2 because the next thing I know is I hear Pat's truck pulling up. He helped me into the house. He said at first he thought I was just pulling something stupid but then saw the broken step.
Saturday started out peaceful enough. It did not take long for an uncomfortable silence to be followed by an uncomfortable roar. What an expensive day. $600 worth of cell phones destroyed. That night to bed with a truce called.
The next day started out fairly well with some remorse. Things were actually looking better, at least sounding better with no phones ringing. Looking out the window I see the horses in the field. Precious is laying down. I looked and felt funny about it in my stomach. I quickly pulled some clothes on and went outside and called the horses. All came except Precious. She was sitting up but making no effort to come to me. I walked out to her and knew(actually I already knew) that she was in trouble. I then knew I was in trouble. The heat index was 104 degrees with actual temperature at 98 degrees. I had just looked at the weather map to check for rain. Anyway, it was bad. She was drenched in sweat. It took a few minutes of urging but she did get up. She walked over and started to lay down again but I knew that she could not do that. I hearded her to the barn and over by the water trough. I then ran out and turned the water on. I ran back in and she was down again. She got up for me with no trouble out of her. I had teh halter o and a rope by then. I hosed her down in hopes that it was simple heat exhaustion. I then led her out of the pasture and up to the hitching post. I ran in the house hollaring at Pat that Precious was down. I needed to put different shoes on because sandels were no good for what I was about to do, walk and walk alot. pat got dressed to come out to help me but I knew he would not be a lot of help. The extreme heat was not good for his asthma. He left to go get help but something happened up there that was not good. After an hour of making Precious walk I finally got some help but not before stepping inbetween a fight. I wanted to knock them both in the head. brook walked with me and it was a good thing. The heat got to me and I went down. Heat exhaustion was getting me and Precious still had not passed gas or poop. Me going down got everybody's attention and I got help. We kept hosing Precious down and finally she took some water. She started passing some gas. 4 hours after the first walking started Precious was trying to eat and was swatting at flies. Crisis averted.
With all that walking and sweating you would think I would have lost weight. NOT. I am at 179 and holding.
Pat and I are working things out. No guareentee of everything working out that we stay together but I am hopeful. Never will it be said I did not give it my best shot. I am hoping he will do the same. I have to trust that he is. Trust is so hard to give once broken but I am trying.


csandhollow at 7:03:23 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I have been feeling very blue lately. Life just has not been going the way I thought it would. At age 49 I thought that I would be settled and where I was going to be for the rest of my life. Now I am not sure. Funny how nothing turns out the way you expect. I am working on getting things worked out. I am where I want to be and who I want to be with... but is he? Someone said something to me about velvet chains. I looked up the lyrics to the song as it has been a long time since I have heard it. I know I have been so wrong in so many areas in my life. I know that , I pray that we stay together and finish growing old together.

csandhollow at 11:35:38 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Most people hold onto the past, look forward to the future, and do not embrace the present. Only those who can appreciate what they have now live fully.
--Tsai Chih

I am trying to live now and look to the future. I want the future and I want peace in the present.


csandhollow at 4:39:16 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I will be taking a break from reading journals and writing in mine. I have some issues I must work through. They will either make or break me. Right now the breaking me is winning. I love you all. I will still be reading mail so if anybody wants to they can write.


csandhollow at 11:13:30 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 10 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

Joan Lunden, in Healthy Living Magazine

Learning to let go of my anger is hard.  Anger sucks. It makes me so sick. I am not talking about simple anger but a deep rage, the kind that can lead you to doing things and saying things that should never be said or done. Most times I rage when I am by myself then the tears come and I can bring myself under control. Last night was one of those times.

Brook is on her way to Panama City Florida. I know she is having a grand time.The people she is with spoil her and pet on her. LOL It has been years since I have been there. Someday I hope to go there again.

I was talking on the phone earlier today and the person I was talking asked me what that sound was they were hearing. I told her that it was my birds singing. She asked me if I found it annoying because they were so loud. My honest answer was never. Being hearing impaired you really learn to appreciate everything you do hear. It is amazing to me to hear them at all. Actually there is only one I can hear and I cannot hear his whole song. I watch him sing and find such joy in hearing what I do. The day may come where I will not hear that so I treasure the days I have.

We are getting some much needed rain right now. The thunder is rolling and the lightening strikes are hitting all around. The temps have dropped to a pleasant 72 down from the 93 it was an hour ago. I need to get off now. The lights dimmed. Out here in the country the power can go off at anytime.

Take care and I will be back


csandhollow at 7:02:08 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 10 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

William James (1842 - 1910)

Today is blah. Been alone all day it seems. Brook is in Florida and I am here all alone. The rest of the week will be like this.

My Buddy thinks he is suppose to lay on the mouse pad in front of the computer when I am online. He is suppose to get all of my attention! LOL

The weekend went mostly good. Friday we rode the bike for a couple hours and headed out to fireworks. We did not stay and just went home. We got to see many firework displays from the house without the smoke.

Saturday evening things started falling apart. Sunday was for the birds. Monday was not much better. Today is better. I know there will be ups and downs. I am counting on more ups than downs.

 On a positive note I have lost down from 198 on June 1 to 185 today. I will take whatever small things that I can find in a day.

I have 8 baby chicks running around the yard right now. My little red hen is setting a nest now. I am not sure how many she has under her.

Ok I am out of here right now. I need to get busy. I have a goal to reach with my cleaning and I cannot do it sitting here. Love you all.




csandhollow at 8:51:48 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)

Things are looking mostly up. I am keeping a happy attitude no matter what happens. I have to pick the right battles to do and right now I do not see any reason whatso ever to open my mouth and ruin the peace we are having right now. I know that I have a long way to go. I also know that if anything is to change I must first change things within myself. And don't give me that you don't need to change anything. Believe me, you do not live with me, I need to change some things. Heck if I don't like me how can anyone else?
 This has been a good week for the horses. Every evening they have been rode by Nickie and Brook. It has been great for the horses especially Precious. She is so fat. It takes her away from the field for 3 hours and gives her plenty of exercise. It is good for Brook too. She is riding with someone close to her age(14) and she is getting more adventurous about getting the horse to go faster without fear of falling off. She is even riding bareback! It is something to see her riding and racking the horse. LOL Yesterday she started slipping off but it turned out fine.  She reached up and grabbed Precious around the neck and Precious stopped like she hit a brick wall! Brook kept going over but her feet hit the ground from a stopped horse instead of one that was moving on.
Tomorrow is the 4th on Brook has a demo to do. She will be at the Freedom Festival here along with the rest of the kids, fireworks following at 9:30. Come and join us.


csandhollow at 9:01:02 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 10 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

Ben Stein

Life is better today. Mainly because I decided to fight. I have always kind of laid down the banner so to speak in the past and just gave up. Not so this time. I may not win the war but I have won this battle. I have extreme problems with self confidence and so I always see myself as the loser. Some people will think I am stupid to fight this was but I don't. I know some people are very confused as to what it is I am fighting. If you want to know I will tell you in private.

We may have the problem fixed with the tractor. with one small problem still on going. Cliff might be able to help with this one. What is the best way to fix a small pinhole leak in the gas tank? It is a Farmall Super C.

Gas prices seem to have stabilized around here lately. It has been holding steady at around $3.87 a gallon.  I told Pat the other day that I do not believe it will matter who gets in as  president the gas prices will not be going down.  He goes on that they need to do what they did back in the 70's with the oil embargo. Sure why not, gas prices did not go down then nor will they now. Our dependence on gas has to break. As long as cars get low mileage we are screwed. The American automakers fight raising mandatory higher gas mileage on vehicles.  They fight tighter emissions standards, they fight everything. 40 miles per gallon is not unrealistic for them. Lower speed limits work too(and helps in other areas too -accident rates etc.) I also told pat that I believe gas will easily be $7 a gallon by 2010 and 2 days later I read a report where the experts say the same thing. Does that make me an expert or what?
Ok I have to get a load of clothes out of the washer and put it in the dryer. Then start another load.
Life will be good if I have to kill to make it so.


csandhollow at 4:46:39 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 12 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I have not been blogging lately. It seems that it is hard to write sometimes when it feels as if life is falling apart. I am just tired. It is not a physical tiredness although it is sapping me of my physical energy. It is a mental tiredness. Sometimes I am tired of just being here. I am tired of being last in everybody's life. I even put me last. I feel so stupid.


csandhollow at 8:55:49 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 11 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I went for my walk this morning with Pup gleefully walking with me. I honestly believe that our morning walks were a thing of pure joy for him. 30 minutes later he was gone. I don't know what happened. He ran into the woods and 2 dogs chased him out, I saw him cut into a field and the dogs turned around and came back. When I got to where he went into the field he was laying there dead. No car hit him, no marks that I could see. He is now by the creek with the rest of our loved ones.



csandhollow at 9:36:46 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 28 comments: Show Recent | Add your own