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Friday, July 25, 2008
just talking
- A
great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is
when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
- Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"
Slow day, accomplished nothing. Of course it is not over yet. The dryer just stopped so that is something. I have about 5-6 more hours of being alone so I will get something done.
School starts next Friday here. Brook is all ready to go. I am a bit concerned though. They are not allowed to carry bookbags or backpacks. They will be switching classes and they do not have lockers. that means they will have top carry in their arms everything from class to class. I find that unreasonable. I believe I will just have to buy her a rather large pocketbook so she will have some way of carrying some of her things.
I have not seen much of Brook in the last 2 weeks. Johnny's family has been here from Texas and she has been staying up there. I feel like I have been shut out. They live half a mile away and I do not see them anymore. I spend every evening alone and in silence. Sometimes the only sound I hear is when someone signs in or out on AIM.
We are still in a drought here. It has been raining but the years of not enough rain has taken it toll. We are still in a Level 4 extreme drought in my part of Georgia. I am seeing some new growth on trees, something I have not seen in a few years. I noticed today that the local lake is rapidly going dry again . I hate to say iit but had hoped that the hurricane that hit Texas would have turned in the last bit and headed my way. It will take a tropical event to get some moisture back in our groundwater level.
Sorry friends, I am reading some but not commenting. Look at me as a lurker right now. I am laughing with you and crying with some.
csandhollow at 11:13:47 PM EDT
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Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday
Quiet
- There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
- Alfred Korzybski (1879 - 1950)
Life sure has its own way of thumping you in the head or kicking you in the ass, whichever way you look at it. The twists and turns are almost like riding a bucking horse. One second you think you will last to the bell and the next second you are flying thru the air.
Things seem to be on an even keel here right now. I am pulling myself by the bootstraps and trying to keep the faith. Tomorrow is our 15th anniversary. I don't expect any remembrance of it. Actually, I do expect it but I doubt that it will happen.
I still have a cell phone. I just reactivated my old one. Nothing wrong with it and I can hear it ring, unlike my new one that broke. At least I can hear it when and if someone calls me.
I am proud of myself. I have not had any dirty clothes for 2 weeks now. Every morning and night I put the dirty clothes in the washer. When it is full I start it. I have also been keeping the sink cleared out. Amazing at what you do when you have no one to talk to.What it is is if I leave here, dead or alive, I have decided that no one will be able to say that the house is not clean. I have been working on getting it in order. I need order in my life right now.
Precious is doing good.
Brook is doing good.
csandhollow at 10:02:01 PM EDT
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Tuesday, July 22, 2008
ugh
What a miserable weekend. I tell you, I have the letter L in big red letters tattooed on my forehead!
Friday things fell apart. For some reason everything I said or did was wrong. That night while burning garbage I fell off the steps and hit my head and bruised my shoulder and head. I think I may have been knocked out for a minute or 2 because the next thing I know is I hear Pat's truck pulling up. He helped me into the house. He said at first he thought I was just pulling something stupid but then saw the broken step.
Saturday started out peaceful enough. It did not take long for an uncomfortable silence to be followed by an uncomfortable roar. What an expensive day. $600 worth of cell phones destroyed. That night to bed with a truce called.
The next day started out fairly well with some remorse. Things were actually looking better, at least sounding better with no phones ringing. Looking out the window I see the horses in the field. Precious is laying down. I looked and felt funny about it in my stomach. I quickly pulled some clothes on and went outside and called the horses. All came except Precious. She was sitting up but making no effort to come to me. I walked out to her and knew(actually I already knew) that she was in trouble. I then knew I was in trouble. The heat index was 104 degrees with actual temperature at 98 degrees. I had just looked at the weather map to check for rain. Anyway, it was bad. She was drenched in sweat. It took a few minutes of urging but she did get up. She walked over and started to lay down again but I knew that she could not do that. I hearded her to the barn and over by the water trough. I then ran out and turned the water on. I ran back in and she was down again. She got up for me with no trouble out of her. I had teh halter o and a rope by then. I hosed her down in hopes that it was simple heat exhaustion. I then led her out of the pasture and up to the hitching post. I ran in the house hollaring at Pat that Precious was down. I needed to put different shoes on because sandels were no good for what I was about to do, walk and walk alot. pat got dressed to come out to help me but I knew he would not be a lot of help. The extreme heat was not good for his asthma. He left to go get help but something happened up there that was not good. After an hour of making Precious walk I finally got some help but not before stepping inbetween a fight. I wanted to knock them both in the head. brook walked with me and it was a good thing. The heat got to me and I went down. Heat exhaustion was getting me and Precious still had not passed gas or poop. Me going down got everybody's attention and I got help. We kept hosing Precious down and finally she took some water. She started passing some gas. 4 hours after the first walking started Precious was trying to eat and was swatting at flies. Crisis averted.
With all that walking and sweating you would think I would have lost weight. NOT. I am at 179 and holding.
Pat and I are working things out. No guareentee of everything working out that we stay together but I am hopeful. Never will it be said I did not give it my best shot. I am hoping he will do the same. I have to trust that he is. Trust is so hard to give once broken but I am trying.
csandhollow at 7:03:23 PM EDT
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Friday, July 18, 2008
I have been feeling very blue lately. Life just has not been going the way I thought it would. At age 49 I thought that I would be settled and where I was going to be for the rest of my life. Now I am not sure. Funny how nothing turns out the way you expect. I am working on getting things worked out. I am where I want to be and who I want to be with... but is he? Someone said something to me about velvet chains. I looked up the lyrics to the song as it has been a long time since I have heard it. I know I have been so wrong in so many areas in my life. I know that , I pray that we stay together and finish growing old together. Velvet Chains
Your velvet chains softly hold me
Keep me from strayin' to another one's arms
Locked in your love I will remain
I don't want to be free
From your velvet chains You keep the door wide open
You don't lock me in
I come and go
Your never ask mewhere I've been
You know I'm faithful
Yes, I'm bound to be
Your lovin' arms
Put these velvet chains on me
csandhollow at 11:35:38 PM EDT
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Determined
Most people hold onto the past, look forward to the future, and do not embrace the present. Only those who can appreciate what they have now live fully.
--Tsai Chih
I am trying to live now and look to the future. I want the future and I want peace in the present.
csandhollow at 4:39:16 PM EDT
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Monday, July 14, 2008
break
I will be taking a break from reading journals and writing in mine. I have some issues I must work through. They will either make or break me. Right now the breaking me is winning. I love you all. I will still be reading mail so if anybody wants to they can write.
csandhollow at 11:13:30 PM EDT
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Wednesday, July 9, 2008
anger and other stuff
Quiet
- Holding
on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a
headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives
you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
- Joan Lunden, in Healthy Living Magazine
Learning to let go of my anger is hard. Anger sucks. It makes me so sick. I am not talking about simple anger but a deep rage, the kind that can lead you to doing things and saying things that should never be said or done. Most times I rage when I am by myself then the tears come and I can bring myself under control. Last night was one of those times.
Brook is on her way to Panama City Florida. I know she is having a grand time.The people she is with spoil her and pet on her. LOL It has been years since I have been there. Someday I hope to go there again.
I was talking on the phone earlier today and the person I was talking asked me what that sound was they were hearing. I told her that it was my birds singing. She asked me if I found it annoying because they were so loud. My honest answer was never. Being hearing impaired you really learn to appreciate everything you do hear. It is amazing to me to hear them at all. Actually there is only one I
can hear and I cannot hear his whole song. I watch him sing and find
such joy in hearing what I do. The day may come where I will not hear
that so I treasure the days I have.
We are getting some much needed rain right now. The thunder is rolling and the lightening strikes are hitting all around. The temps have dropped to a pleasant 72 down from the 93 it was an hour ago. I need to get off now. The lights dimmed. Out here in the country the power can go off at anytime.
Take care and I will be back
csandhollow at 7:02:08 PM EDT
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Tuesday, July 8, 2008
blah
Determined
- Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
- William James (1842 - 1910)
Today is blah. Been alone all day it seems. Brook is in Florida and I am here all alone. The rest of the week will be like this.
My Buddy thinks he is suppose to lay on the mouse pad in front of the computer when I am online. He is suppose to get all of my attention! LOL
The weekend went mostly good. Friday we rode the bike for a couple hours and headed out to fireworks. We did not stay and just went home. We got to see many firework displays from the house without the smoke.
Saturday evening things started falling apart. Sunday was for the birds. Monday was not much better. Today is better. I know there will be ups and downs. I am counting on more ups than downs.
On a positive note I have lost down from 198 on June 1 to 185 today. I will take whatever small things that I can find in a day.
I have 8 baby chicks running around the yard right now. My little red hen is setting a nest now. I am not sure how many she has under her.
Ok I am out of here right now. I need to get busy. I have a goal to reach with my cleaning and I cannot do it sitting here. Love you all.
csandhollow at 8:51:48 PM EDT
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Thursday, July 3, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Life is better
Hopeful
- The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
- Ben Stein
Life is better today. Mainly because I decided to fight. I have always kind of laid down the banner so to speak in the past and just gave up. Not so this time. I may not win the war but I have won this battle. I have extreme problems with self confidence and so I always see myself as the loser. Some people will think I am stupid to fight this was but I don't. I know some people are very confused as to what it is I am fighting. If you want to know I will tell you in private.
We may have the problem fixed with the tractor. with one small problem still on going. Cliff might be able to help with this one. What is the best way to fix a small pinhole leak in the gas tank? It is a Farmall Super C.
Gas prices seem to have stabilized around here lately. It has been holding steady at around $3.87 a gallon. I told Pat the other day that I do not believe it will matter who gets in as president the gas prices will not be going down. He goes on that they need to do what they did back in the 70's with the oil embargo. Sure why not, gas prices did not go down then nor will they now. Our dependence on gas has to break. As long as cars get low mileage we are screwed. The American automakers fight raising mandatory higher gas mileage on vehicles. They fight tighter emissions standards, they fight everything. 40 miles per gallon is not unrealistic for them. Lower speed limits work too(and helps in other areas too -accident rates etc.) I also told pat that I believe gas will easily be $7 a gallon by 2010 and 2 days later I read a report where the experts say the same thing. Does that make me an expert or what?
Ok I have to get a load of clothes out of the washer and put it in the dryer. Then start another load.
Life will be good if I have to kill to make it so.
csandhollow at 4:46:39 PM EDT
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