My Journey

2:42:45 PM EDT I first want to thank all of those that were worried/concerned about me when I went MIA. Sometimes life becomes so important that the internet is the last thing on your mind. I have created another journal and its private...because it discusses what is going on in my life right now....If you would like to be added please email me know....

I may use this one to update my weight loss since that is what it was started for anyway right!?!?

Blessings!!!!!


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9:34:56 PM EST

So I said earlier that I wanted to get a medicine ball from the store and Sweet Emmi sent me a message and let me know that she got hers from Wal-Mart. Even though I had just washed my hair tonight and its like 30 something degrees outside I was determined to get yet another piece of equipment for my home exercise things. So off I went.

Now Wal-Mart for me is like, the one store that I cannot go to and get JUST WHAT I CAME FOR. So then when I get there, I figure let’s go take a look at the clothes. I really would love for some nice jeans to go with my new heels.  I found a pair of size 20 stretch jeans for 14 dollars. I put them in the cart. Found a $9 sweater and put that in the cart. Now I know that I cannot fit the jeans yet, have to be honest that a part of me was hoping that I could simply because they were stretch, but I purchased them anyway. Then I remembered that I wanted to get some more sports bras while I was there and brought about 5 of those. Picked up a cute little gift for Aleah, the trick will be mailing it, that part is hard for me LOL. Got an Itunes card, new headphones for the Ipod and FINALLY got the medicine ball. Get to the register and pick up a pack of gum.

Well $110 later, I am walking out of Wal-Mart, thinking “I just came here for a medicine ball”.  Then I get home and I am missing things, so I head right back out the door and this time, leave my purse at home!!!

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4:44:14 PM EST

Back from church and all worked out. So now its time to write so everyone can know what is going on with me right?!?

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Of course I texted my baby as soon as I got out of church because he had to work today so I just wanted to let him know that I loved him and see how his day was going. On the 15 minutes it took me to get the family home, I missed 2 of his calls.  When he calls me from work I have to text him back and tell him to call me, although I have the number I don�t like calling the Depot and I don�t have his extension which I would need to call, so our system works better. So text him back and he replied that he was bored and got off at 5pm. I responded, while since you get off soon hit me up when you get off, that way I could start my exercise and be in wind down mode by the time he calls. Nope he wants to call me right when I am stretching it out with Bob and getting my warm-up on. I felt so bad that I had to end that conversation because I haven�t talked to him in about 16 hours and I miss his voice, but I needed to get my workout done. Told him to call me back at 3pm and I should be done by then, I wasn�t but I just let the phone ring and as soon as I was finished I called him back.

 

I didn�t cuss Kim out much today but I was on the verge of doing it. I have to get a medicine ball and I am not sure about my stability ball. They seem to have bigger ones and I have a small one because it is based on my height. I am 5� and the one that I have I got from target and is for people that are 5� to 5�4� I believe. I�m pretty sure that the people on the video are taller than that so that is why theirs is bigger but I don�t want to be missing out on the benefits.  However, even without the medicine ball I felt the workout in my arms..still getting one though!  Today I worked out for 45 minutes again I did the warm-up, functional flexibility, power sculpt for women, boot camp, and some stretching. I wanted to do cool down because I haven�t done it yet. Keon called me today and I wanted to speak to him and I had already let about 6 minutes pass on his 15 minute break and Friday I was about to pass out so I ended that early. I love the way that I feel after getting these workouts in, but I know me and I have to leave them to weekend workouts because I will get tired of them quickly. I am still trying to figure out how to get strength training in at the gym but I believe that I have found some great answers. I can use machines but I can also use the stability balls and get it in that way. Or I can do the DVD in the morning and then do cardio at gym.  I might try that in the morning and see how that goes. I can get up 20 minutes earlier and do a warm up (5 minutes), and choose from power sculpt for women(10 minutes) or boot camp (15 minutes) or functional flexibility( 10 minutes), and then do the cool down (5 minutes). That sounds like a great plan!  I can switch up which ones that I do and since there are 3 options, only 3 days a week do I have to get up earlier and do them. And the weekends it�s a full fledged workout! Works for me!

I have been reading a lot about outside support and what is right and wrong and who would I be without commenting on it. I believe that the support of our loved ones is extremely important but what happens when you don�t get the support you need, do you stop or find another means of support?  I believe that a lot of us have used the later. Almost every reader of my journal has great �significant other� support, online support and family/friends support. But each of us are different in the support that we need. Personally, I need my support to come in the form of hard loving. My online support know that I respond better to �Tia get your ass moving, you can do this and have done this so what the hell is your problem� vs. cuddling me. I will use that cuddling as a reason to have a series of weak moments. Sure we all fall short but don�t pacify me when I have one. However, with others it doesn�t work that way. If you get drill sergeant on them they will break down mentally and not respond the way I would. I can give both forms of love. But when it comes to that significant other support, I notice we all vary in what we need. 

Keon is the type that will not pacify me or cuddle me. He is not one to NOT eat something because I can�t have it and I love that about him. If we go to a restaurant and I say, �I�m eating healthy� he says �Ok�. He is not going to be like �areyou suppose to eat that�� or �don�t eat that� that is not his personality. He thinks more along the lines of that its MY decision and I need to take control of my actions. He is not going to be a food police for me. However, if he knows that some place has NO healthy alternatives then he won�t eat there. I love the responsibility that he puts on me for my decisions in life. He understands that I struggle daily with this and he praises me daily for my success. Weekly he texts me about my WW results, if he doesn�t get that text from me by a certain time. I love him for that. He is always there to listen to me and add advice, but never puts me down.

After reading journals on this and how different people get support it helped me understand that we are all different in how we perceive support from others. I am sensitive about my weight loss process overall and I need a partner that understands that but doesn�t feel the need to be a food police for me. If I want something Keon gets it for me and never questions me, I respect that because this journey was my choice to make. I can either make bad choices or a good ones.

I can not wait to see him on Tuesday night. I am taking my B.L 2 DVD with me up there so that I can get some working out in on Wednesday.  We go and check out the mansion on Wednesday and prayerfully we will able to go ahead and reserve our date. I know that everyone is anxious to see the dress and when it comes, after I order it,  I will model it for you, I promise. I will keep all updated on that process.

Speaking of process, this morning when I got upstairs to leave for church my sister commented on my taking my shoes off because they were heels. Now yes I am 267.4lbs but I do wear 3+� heels. I have A LOT of them.  My pair from Aldo are about 4.5� and yes they are not the most comfortable shoes but they aren�t that bad either. You get used to them. I found a cute pair of brown crocodile skin heels for $7 at Target on Friday, they are so cute, probably 3.5� heels. I started wearing them over a year ago and they are getting easier to walk in. I love them because I am so short that it saves my pants from scraping the ground and they are cute on my legs. I have muscular calves and in skirts my legs are nice, thick, and very well sculpted. I believe that every lady should own at least 2 pair of them�It was definitely a process for me learning how to walk in them and the pair I had on today, I almost broke my neck in them last year when I first put them on, but now I can run in them�reminds me of my weight loss, definitely a process..

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9:02:41 AM EST

I probably should be getting ready for church right now and I will in a few but I wanted to take some time out and journal my thoughts and all before I go. Today will probably be a 2 entry day because I am surely going to want to tell you guys about my exercise as I pop in BL2 when I get home from church. I am still sore from all the squats and inner thigh moves but I am blessed to be feeling the pain and I know that I am reshaping muscles.

More and more lately I have been distant from my family and I can not put my hands on why. If I speak to them about it they will all jump and say that I believe that I am better than them but I believe that I am hitting a different phase in life. I find myself observing more and taking mental notes.  I don’t want to get into the specifics but I believe that people’s actions should match their intentions.  If you have to have someone else buy formula, even if they just offer but you know that money is tight for them, then give them money back. But that would be too much like right, huh?? I am tired of a lot of things that are going on in this house but I love each and everyone of them, but to protect my own sanity I can see that I am going to be spending a lot of time at the gym or in my room. Keon works crazy days so I won’t be able to be there much.

Speaking of my baby his request for the Valentines day weekend was denied, they gave him Thursday and Friday off, but he works Saturday and Sunday. I don’t believe that is my flex day so once again the Depot fucked up. Sorry, they screwed up LOL So we are revising what we are planning on doing. I believe that I am going to suggest Estela’s V-day ritual. That way we can just enjoy some quality time together, because as Heather stated in her journal that is far more important than any gift that he could everbuy me. I have however picked up his card and I love it. I do want a card though because the one he got me for Christmas was simply amazing and I know that he had to read it and picked it just for me.

Well more to come later…



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9:06:48 PM EST

Incredible God deserves Incredible Praise

That is my “name” on myspace.  I am listening to the song right now and the words are so moving, here is my favorite verse:
“What kind of man would do this for me
Victory, grace and mercy
He is so special/Simply Incredible
So incredible
An incredible God deserves Incredible Praise”

So as you can see I am getting my praise on today.  I have come to realize in strengthening my faith with the Lord that nothing has to be wrong for me to praise him.  I praise him simply because he has done so much for me. There is a verse in the Bible that says there is no greater love than laying down your life for a friend. God did that for me and for that I am eternally grateful.  Because God has granted 3 things that are helping me get through my weight loss with the success that I am.

He granted me victory.  Before I started out on this journey he ensured that I would be victorious when it was sad and done.  When I started doing what I was suppose to do and when I started listening to him.  I had to humble myself back in September and call on him because I realized that I did not have the strength alone to do this.  I call on Jesus when I am working out because there are so many times that I want to quit, but I push for that extra 5 minutes. He designed me to be a competitor, so therefore he is pushing me to do another 5, then challenging myself to do another 5 after that.  I thank him every time I complete something hard for me, I thank him when the scale goes down.  I have learned that through my praise I will become victorious because what God has for me, is for me and he has already destined that I win this.

He granted me grace.  His grace surpassing all understanding. There have been times during this journey, even since September that I have fallen but he understands.  Can you imagine?!? I barely understand and forgive myself but God is one of 2nd chances and he grants them to me daily. Through his grace and knowing that I am going to be victorious I have a renewed belief that the dreams I have for my life and my weight loss are not too big, they are obtainable and very achievable. 

He granted me is everlasting mercy.  Where would I be without this?  If he was not a God of 2nd chances I would have been done a long time ago.  Because of his love and mercy I know that when I continually ask for help and strength, he grants it to me.  He never brings up my past mistakes and shortcomings, simply hands it to me and wraps me in His arms and lets me know its going to be alright. This is what the song means to me and I am so glad that I am listening to it right now.  When things in life get too much for me to bear, I simply put on my gospel and remember that no matter what I am going through, God is simply incredible.

Today I went to my WW weigh in and I am ecstatic about it!  I am officially back in the 260’s.  I weigh myself at home daily and then have a home official weigh in on Monday morning. With these 2 weigh in’s it keeps the weekend eatings under control, it works for me.  I am proud to report that I am down to 269.8lbs!!!  I have not seen a WW 260 since last May!  I am still above my April weight but only by .6 lbs. So since September I have lost 13.4 lbs!  I have a ways to go before I get to my first 10 % goal through WW, but I am so glad that the scale is continuing to move in the downward direction.  I am seriously not caring how long it takes me to get to where I want to be, because the changes that I made are all for the better and they continue to make me the healthier woman that I strive to be. I would love to hit my 10% WW mark before my wedding though. Maybe that is a good goal for me.  That is losing 26.6 lbs before May 20th. Very achievable and I believe that with how I am working out and eating that its going to come before that.

I do have to admit that I prefer to use my home scale because its lower LOL. Although this morning it was playing mean tricks on me. I got on it and it said that I was 267.4, well I hadn’t peed yet. My parents brought me Gabby and I didn’t get my full 8 hours of sleep so I was a little “off” this morning. So I peed and got back on, it said I was 265.8lbs, I couldn’t have peed 1.6lbs. So I checked it again, 268lbs and again because that sure in hell wasn’t right, 268, again 267.8…what the heck ever.  I just gave up and wrote 267.4lbs in my journal because I usually just get on once and go from there. But seeing 265 was so lovely…Prayerfully tomorrow I will have a more accurate number to journal, I am not feeling 100% about today’s weigh in at home.  But I won’t post weight again until Monday, I wish I could stay off the scale that long.

Tomorrow morning I am going to test my resting heart rate again. That is one thing about the HRM, you have to keep it updated or else it is going to give you the wrong calorie reading and I don’t want that especially since I use that as my AP converter. When getting my AP’s for WW, I just convert every 100 calories burned into 1 AP. I have asked several people and my leader and she said that is a good way to getaccurate AP’s so I need to make sure that all my information is updated. I also have to change the weight in there. Right now my resting HR is 90 something, I pray that it went down. The average RHR is around 70 something I believe. That is what I am aiming for.  I don’t want my heart doing a lot of extra work when it doesn’t have to.

I believe that if I ever saw Kim, from the Biggest Loser, I might have to choke her and then give her a big hug.  I am so sore from yesterday’s workout and I haven’t felt like this since I first started jogging on the treadmill, makes me question my other workouts. However, I know that any movement is good, so I am going to continue to do what I am doing but implement this DVD at least one day a week or make it my weekend exercise. I am contemplating doing some variation of it today, however my knee muscles are sore. I believe though that its important to work through the pain. No just waste days waiting for pain to cease. However, if I don’t believe in over exhorting yourself in the name of “no pain equals no gain” crap either. If it was serious then I wouldn’t even think of doing something but its that good soreness, the kind you get when you workout a new part of your body that has been laying dormant for a while. I notice Kim does a lot of squats and I believe that is what is killing me so bad.

I got my pedicure today. I know that I didn’t work out the 10 days but I worked out 8 of them and that is darn good. Rewarding myself for my achievements is very monumental for me and its good to reward myself with something other than food. 

There was no exercise for me today besides what doing house chores entails.  My legs are killing me from the squats that I have to do and I even practiced the side kicks and controlling my core. Geesh, I am picking up things already from the video. That is definitely going to be my weekend workout…I like feeling the soreness although it was a shock….

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9:46:21 PM EST

~ I finally brought YOU on a Diet, I am ready to get to learn new things that this book has to offer.  I am going to surely enjoy reading this one as I am enjoying getting motivation from Chicken Soup for a Dieter’s Soul.  I will read this book page by page because I believe that there is more to weight loss then just exercising and dieting, if it was that easy more people would be more successful at it, so I believe that this book is going to answer some questions that I have.  I am not searching for that book that tells me why I eat or what I can eat, but I am searching for the book that opens up my understanding of what foods do to my body.  I am seeking knowledge and I know that these books can do that.  I believe that one is more of a motivational tool than the other but I need that too

~ I got accepted to school!!  I am so excited about this and actually shocked that I got accepted before I sent my admissions fee but hey I will take what I can get.  I am going to be taking one class a semester until I am able to afford more.  I believe that I am going to begin my first class in March because they have classes starting Jan. 29th and since I can’t register for them until I have taken the placement tests, and I can’t take those until I can get down there, classes are just going to have to wait. I gave them a call today and of course they didn’t call back but I will call them again next week and see if I am alright if I don’t start school until the summer semester because coming up with the money for books and all could be a problem. Besides I want to use the payment plan.  So I am now one step closer to doing all that I need to do become a teacher

~ The job hunt is still going however, there was a blessing in the mix while I was applying yesterday.  When I was one careerbuilder, I found 2 jobs that immediately took my attention. There was one for the job that I worked through my temp agency last year when I first moved to MD.  I was really glad to see that they were hiring directly.  So I applied, I have a good feeling about these events because how likely is it that I see that on a day when hope and desperation had set in??  Also, my Aunt works for the gas company in Baltimore and I applied to a job opening that they had there as well, when I was looking last year there was no opening in sight.  I called and let her know that I had submitted my resume and I pray that something comes up.  There were quite a few jobs posted yesterday so I spent a lot of my working day looking for another job. I was blessed!!  This time around I am doing things right and want them to be come together in decency and order so I am vowing to do them in decency and order.  I believe that if I do right good things are going to come to me, and prayerfully they are just around the riverbend…

~ I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment for a sleep apnea consultation.  Keon says that when I am sleep it I snore, then stop and then it sounds like I am gasping for air. I ignored him.  I can sleep all night long and then for some reason, no matter how many hours I get that night, I am tired during the day.  I have started setting a bedtime and aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night to ensure that its not exhaustion. But lately I have had to keep water by the side of my bed because my throat is sore in the morning because it is extra dry. So at work I searched on webmd and found that I have several signs of sleep apnea and although most of it is cured by weight loss there are times when surgery is required.  I am not one to go to the doctor for everything but when I say that I am dead tired in the middle of the day, Wednesday night I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at 5am, by 3pm I was falling asleep at my desk. Prayers are always welcome, I don’t need yet another medical problem because of my weight….

~ Wednesday night I had a dream that the ladies at OPL had met for a convention or something and Heather, Jeanne and myself were on the treadmill, Heather was in the middle.  She was done with her workout and had left her Ipod on the machine and I picked it up and she was listening to the broadway production music from Chicago….that was strange and there was more to the dream than that but I can’t remember it for the life of me. But that part had me smiling when I woke up despite having a sore throat from hell

Yesterday my exercise consisted of:
30 minutes on the treadmill, 1 minute jogging at 4mph and 5 minutes walking at 3-3.1mph various inclines, got that interval training in
15 minutes on the elliptical
25 crunches
Burned: 723 calories

Today:
45 minutes of the Biggest Loser DVD
Burned: 591 calories

Mags~ I didn’t want to kill Bob but I wanted to choke the hell out of Kim!!!

 Ladies ladies ladies, if you want a great workout that adds variety and pushes you, believe me this is it!  I love how they are set up. You pick your workouts, at least on this one you do.  You can choose if your exercise is going to be all about cardio or if you want strength training or both!  And believe me it works.  The segments range from 10 to 15 minutes and while you are doing them you push yourself because its almost over, or “its only 10 minutes” and that I can do it attitude sets in.  I have to admit that I almost died after my 45 minutes and I worked muscles that probably weren’t touched during my other workouts so I can guarantee that at least once a week I am going to be popping this DVD in.  I was sweating like nothing before and I loved it. Sure there were times when I called Kim everything but a child of God but I am sure she knew that fatties like us at home would be cussing her out.  However, I kept pushing my way through to the time that I committed to and in the end that is what felt great.  It felt great that I worked it out for 45 minutes, to know that when I set my mind to something and commit to pushing my way through, that I can actually come out on top.  It felt great to finish something!  It also felt great to listen to my body. I am not sure if it was because I worked too hard, or was over heated but I did feel faint and nauseous when I was done, but I believe that was because my body temperature was high.  When I put a cold compress on I was fine…so no worries

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9:39:02 PM EST

There are so many people in J-land that have motivated me, took me under their wings and showed me that I am not alone and I want to make an entry dedicated especially to them....

Aleah~  Where would I be without the one that motivates me and checks up on me constantly!  You have been a great friend and I am blessed to have you in my life.  You are the best and I can not wait for the day when we can chill together and hit the town!!! Darlin Diva collision in May 2007!!!

Jeanne~ You get that 30 minute walk in today, Nut Nazi?  I have been blessed to know you and continue getting to know you. Your kind words and support of me is immeasurable and I am thankful that God saw fit to have us meet...your dedication is contagious and I am glad that I caught it. You are the best SAHM and never doubt that for a second, you do more in one day then I do in a week and yet you never complain. How amazing is that to know that no one can take care of your family like you do and why would they want someone else to when you are doing an amazing job.

Sherry~ My girl, my girl....because of you I have learned to set weekly goals for myself that I can achieve and daily you are showing me why I should continue to move forward. Once you were trying to catch up with me and now I am running to catch up with you. I appreciate your support and love that you have shown me and I am still waiting to get that call to pick you up on the side of I-95 so you can come and see about your babies, but if you are wearing spandex girl just let me know and I will bring a change of clothes LOL

Estela~ Your advice is always uplifting and on time. You have helped me with everything from marriage issues, to weight issues, to dress issues and for that I am blessed to know you. Now you have me wanting to get that WATP Slim down that you have that you are sticking to.  I know you are going to have a wonderful year and when you do, I am going to be there celebrating with you.  Thank you so much for all your positive insight and the time you have taken to be there for me.

Eva~ My fellow 2007 bride friend. Wow girl you are amazing and never forget that. Losing more than 140+ lbs in less than a year is a victory in itself and you should be so proud of yourself.  You have inspired me to do so many things.  Without you I would still be in denial about what I want to do with the rest of my life, I always knew that I wanted to be a teacher but because I didn't go after it earlier I thought that I was too old to be spending another 4 years in school when I already have 2 years under my belt, but through much prayer God sent me an example of someone that is doing it and not looking back. he blessed me to know a Queen that has lost the amount of weight that I want to lose and not turning back...2007 has been challenging as maintainence is harder than the weight loss period itself, my God and I am having trouble now, but you are going to make it through just fine. Thank you for helping me through my bridal woes and being the support that I needed when I am down, truly that will never be forgotten

Emmi~ I don't know where you have been lately girl, but I need those workout updates from you. I pray that all is going well in your world because I know that sometimes life can be busy and we don't have the time or the energy to post....but your workouts and dedication to losing weight is so uplifting!  I have to read it here at work because I know that when Emmi works out she WORKS OUT. You have no idea how inspiring your journal is to someone that needs that extra push to work out....thank you!!!

Janis~ A blessing to me for another reason.  You have shown me that through prayer and faith I can have all things. Believing that God would bless you with the desires of your heart gave you your precious joy, Rebekah Joy, and I know that if he can do it for you then he can do it for me. We are going to have an awesome year Janis and the weight is going to melt off of us, prayerfully sometime in my future I will be a glowing mother such as yourself.

Tracy~ Thank you for being a faithful reader and commenter in my journal.  Your kind and thoughful words are greatly appreciated.  I am going to have to see about that wrap that you had because it truly does sound divine and I believe that the day before my wedding I am going to have a pamper session, that might be included. I can not wait for your recipes either!!

Miz Mags~  In the short period of time that I have known you, you have been wonderful to me. You have graced me with compliments and have been a constant support and motivation. Your persistence with your weight loss and constant results are fantastic and very motivational.  Continue on with Wk. 3 and I am sure that when Wk.4 comes it will be that much easier. Together we are going to get through these 52 weeks of our lifestyle change, but we just have to take it one week at a time. You have made a monumential achievement this week and I am sure that Bob is so proud of you, and who cares if he isn't those of us at OPL are!!!!!

Christi~ The creator of the message board that takes so many hours away from my day LOL.  No, Thank you Christi for creating such a great tool for the members of OPL. We are bonding there and able to all gang up on Jen at once for waiting so long to join the gym.  You are also a teacher and since that is what I want to be, yeah I love you already!  LOL But your constant support and gracious ways have been a great assistance to me.....here's to having a wonderful year with a ton of success to us all!

Stacy~ **bet you didn't think your name would be here** But I do have to thank you publicly for all that you have done for me. Yesterday, we talked and agreed that things had gotten way out of control, everything from what is was being perceived that I was saying to what you said. Hurts were cast and then retracted once the air was clear. I am thankful that you gave me the chance and the understanding ways of your heart to hear me out. I thank you for creating another group of fabulous women that have allowed me to set habits in place, due to various challenges, that are still aiding me right now. I thank you for the gifts and the kind words that have expressed to me over the years. I thank you for showing me that despite what life throws my way and there is always that moment when I have to decide my self worth. I thank you for always accepting me, faults and all. ONEderland has our names on it THIS year, you have been there before and I can not remember the last time that I was there....save a spot for me if you get there first, even if its on the back row, but Im short so let me sit in the front....LOL

Linda~ What to say, what to say....to a woman that has inspired a community and has touched my soul numerous times over and over again. You have extended your hand in friendship to me and that is one hand that I am never letting go of. When I first continued my journey back in September 2006, your journal was the first one that I looked up. You were doing wonderful and I was in awe that we were on the same program LOL . I went back and read all your entries from March 2006 to September 2006, in 2 days!  Then I just had to know the whole story from before I started commenting in your journal the previous year....I cried with you, celebrated your victories and cheered you on when you hit a low spot, but there entry after entry you were letting the readers into your world, your heart, your very being...You are one of the reasons that I know that I can do this. I have great reality support, as do you, but with you in tow I have great Jland support. Its wonderful to feel love from both places. This year you did something very courageous and received a larger chunk of my respect...you showed us that after we fall, we pick up the pieces and move on. 6 months from now, I don't know how much I will weigh or how much I will have lost, but I do know that I will be right there with you in the "I am Healthier and Happier then I was 6 months ago" line. I accept your 6 month challenge and come July 22nd, we will all be celebrating. I don't know if the "thank you" is there or not but Thank you so much Mama Linda for being simply the best You, for being the You that God intended you to be....its the best that anyone could have asked for....

Heather~ As much I steal graphics from you, you should have known you would be here.  To be honest, as you know I am going to be, I didn't think that we would know each other on this level. Through emails and comments back and forth, I know the Heather that you always claimed that you were. I know for myself....God says that all things come into existence in due time and before was not our time, now it is. I continue to learn daily from your words of wisdom and inspiration. I thank you for that. I learn that you are woman enough to admit when you are wrong and hurtful and I thank you for that.  I have learned that you have a forgiving heart and spirit and I thank you for that. You are a fighter and a strong woman, you are a great woman and even greater mother. Through all your tears and disappointments God continues to bless you....thank you for writing what God placed on your heart yesterday because it was the answer that I was so long seeking for...Wonderful things are going to happen to you this year and I know that I will be right there with you celebrating and laughing...

Jen~ Your forgiving heart is just as welcomed as your honesty.  Your open mind-ness is just as welcomed as your inspiration and kind words to me.  I thank you for reaching out to me and confirming that you see what I try to tell myself daily that I am, and that is a good person.  Sure I might make mistakes and fall short as we all have but you have confirmed that I should never doubt that inner beauty that I posses. I hearing about what a wonderful person and friend you were and now I can share that with others. You have taught me so much about weight loss, strength training and its important, etc. But most importantly you taught me that peoples opinions of me might change, but one thing that holds constant is the faith and belief that I should always have for myself.

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6:51:47 PM EST

Thanks to Heather's entry this morning I got the answer that I have been praying about and finally at peace with the decision to have the wedding at the mansion with limited guest. I realized that I was the one that stirring up my own discontent.  How often do we do that in our lives...make a mountain out of a mole hill??  Here I am stressing out the LOML because of my wedding dress insecurities, which he didn't understand. But I am blessed beyond measure because in my time of despare here come my wonderful Jland friends, full of understanding and love.  Eva was there to sit through quite a few emails of the blob bride, and Jeanne, it seems like I soon as I posted her she was with "call me if you need me, text me" do whatever!  LOL I might have to take you up on that trip to Philly though, I love that mall in King of Prussia, but I don't know if I can come without Keon wanting to tag along.

Heather, damn I mentioning her a lot here, had once mentioned that NY was a place you go and live.  To me that holds true for CA (I am planning my one year anniversary in the bay area so look out for me) I want to live there so bad but Keon believes that is too far from Princess Bri and I totally understand his thought and logic on that one.  Philly is another place that I can go and never dream of coming home.  I soaked up so much from the city when I was there and did I mention that they have banana ice cream there??  I love the historical aspects, the architechture there, purely astonded by that city. And since its close to Jeanne I am sure that I could truly fall in love with it.

The dress dilemma has vanished and I have the dress that I am going to order picked out.  Thanks for the words and kind thoughts that were sent my way.  You guys were right, today is a new day and I woke up this morning feeling at peace with my decision to have the mansion wedding and inviting who I could, have a slightly less traditional dress but one that is still elegant, and knowing that I am working hard to change the body that I have, sure it may not happen over night but its coming and on my wedding day, I will be the Diva Queen that I am!  So here is the update for all you lovely ladies. Back when I ws first speaking of getting married, I remember posting about all the stress that I was going through because my mother wasn't as "involved" as I thought she should be and it seemed like she wasn't happy for me, well that has changed. Praise God!  She is very active now, she was even going to go with me to David's Bridal on Saturday to help me look at dresses, however, last night she made a great observation.

"Well Tia if you are having a small, intimate ceremony why do you need the traditional dress, try something a little less formal"

Well at first that was a  HELL NO, I want what I want when I want it.  Imagine a 2 year old stomping around and that is what I was doing in my head. However, mentioned it again to Keon and he said the same thing. Why not get a less formal dress. I have to sleep on things in order for them to setin, and so it finally did.  I came to work and re-checked out Lane Bryant's wedding dresses, there are a few that are nice but nothing that was up to my standards.  The one that my mother liked, I was emailing her my pics of my selections, there was not one available in my size or even a size that I could reach by May (size 16 was the biggest, I am currently a loose 22 nice fit 20).  The one that was in my size, my mother thought showed way too much boobs and since I am top heavy she didn't think that would be appealing. So I ventured back over to www.PlussizeBridal.com.  What can I say about this site?!?! If you are plus size and getting married or going to be in a wedding its wonderful!  But this time I went to brides maid dresses instead of a bridal gown and picked out 12 very elegant gowns that we absolutely gorgeous and a hecka lot cheaper.  There were only 3 that my mother liked and the one that we both genuienly fell in love with is the one that they use different material for because it has been used previously, as have others, for wedding dresses!  Isn't that a blessing.  I pick a wedding dress, thinking I am getting a brides maid dress, but they actually have used it for a wedding dress before!  I had to call the shop in NC because I didn't understand why the prices were different for the same description and that is when she told me.  She was so sweet and listened to my story and yeah I love this place. Customer Service sells something for me and if you are nasty then I don't want whatever product your company is selling.  So I am having my dress rushed here and it will be here 3 weeks after I purchase it.  The standard delivery is 2 to 12 weeks, you can rush it and have it guaranteed to be to you within 6 weeks or super rush it and have it within 3 weeks.  I was never a woman that liked to be kept waiting. LOL So in 3 weeks, from Friday, I will have my dress and then I will post pictures.  Now I just have to shop for the tiara, the shoes, and some jewerly...my mom did mention that diamond earrings would be nice, doesn't a bride need something new???

 Today I am on a snacking frenzy.  I haven't gone over my points, at least I don't think but I know that I am going to use some flex ones tonight when I eat dinner.  I just ate a snack but still feeling like I could consume more.  However, I will just pop somd gum in my mouth and call it a day.

I am going to take  this moment to say that today I had a setback of sorts.  I didn't go to the gym and allowed myself to talk myself right out of it. I know that I need it and I am doing so well with going but I believe that for me, its okay to not go sometimes. I need to do something though because I am getting that bad feeling again. Its bad enough that  I have been snacking like crazy but to not workout either. However, I vowed to meet way too many people in ONEderland to not do something. So tomorrow I am hitting the gym before work and then again after work. I am sure that I won't overdo it but I want to make sure that I am burning constantly....like a make up session....

After getting to work this morning I read all the wonderful comments that were left for me and I have to thank each and everyone of you. It really meant a lot to me to know that even during my down time I have people pushing me forward, its a great feeling..you guys are wonderful!

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10:22:17 PM EST Nothing fancy tonight. Sometimes we just need that post where we pour out our heart to our friends here on Jland because that is what some of us use this journal for.  I have real life friends, believe me they are jealous, but like some have said previously I feel the need to vent my heart here and so that is what I am here doing tonight.

Today started off somewhat okay...I have these mood swings that can seriously borderline depression at times and I could feel that one of those moments was coming on today.  It started when I had to write an email to a friend today.  I wanted to let her know that even though we have different groups of friends, I will respect her friends and do not talk bad about her friends no matter how badly I want to out of respect for her. That is just how I am. But I had some things to say to her and wanted her to know that I will always be here for her and cheering her on. She is doing wonderful in her weight loss and is such an inspiration and I really wish that our friends could be friends but until then I am cheering her on from the sidelines behind the crowd, as to not cause drama....

Then there was this moment where I didn't want to have a wedding because I am going to look like Matilda the Hun in the dress.  I have these last few insecurities that I am working on and for some reason they always hit the hardest when I am doing so well with everything else. Here I am excited about finding a reasonable priced apartment for Keon and I and in the same instance I am hit with the fact that I am going to be the blob bride. I want that one day in my life to be perfect, I am not aiming for perfection any other day of the year but that one. And looking like you are wearing a white sheet instead of a dress is not my idea of perfection....I know its probably not as bad as I am making it out to be and that I am probably going to love the dresses when I am there trying them on, but right now in this moment, I want to get married in the courthouse. Well I wanted to...I am horrified of trying these dresses on.  They look so nice and beautiful on the models in the pictures but how are they going to look on me....insecurities set in big time and no matter how hard that I tried I could not get the negative talk out of my head and so I reverted for a second....

I came home and didn't workout like I normally have been, and I missed it, after the gym closed of course. So here I am now....wondering

about the dress, about the wedding location, about my future.....God please help me!!


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7:44:24 PM EST
After the recent dramas that have been going on lately I have had to ponder the real meaning to me of the word "friend".  I mean there are so many versions out there that it can become confusing.  I know that each person has individual meanings of the word friend and I guess that is how a simple minded person like me gets confused.  You see the kind of friend that I want and that I strive to be is one that is at all times, honest, fair, loyal and respectful.  I may not agree with everything that my friends have to say or believe but I give them that respect to hear what they are saying, a chance to validate their thoughts and feelings and then we agree that this is something that we simply do not agree with.  One thing that I have never done is fight another friend's battle for them. I will support you to no end, but how will you become stronger if I am constantly fighting your battles?  I force my friends to own up to their stupid actions and move on. Now this can be hard because we are all individuals and sometimes people have a hard time letting go or simply they want to wallow in the hatred that they are feeling toward life, another person, or a situation.  I have two choices to be there with them to help them through it or to back off and let them handle the situation and come to me when they are ready. Usually by personalities I can tell which one is the better option.

I hear the term "friend" being used quite frequently these days and honestly, you have to be a friend to get a friend. Being a friend is telling that friend, you are PMS'ing and simply overreacting its not that serious. Or saying, "you are better than that so lets just move on".  A friend will tell you, "that's your drama sweetie and honestly you have x, y, z going on in your life, do you really have time for that childishness". A lot of what is going on right now could have been avoided if people would have been true friends from the beginning and not edged on the war.  I mean seriously, if someone is ready to pounce just because you had a bad conversation is that a friend or an instigator? Now which would you prefer to have in your life?

Nothing much special happened for me at work today.  I didn't have to be in until 10am so I didn't go to bed until after 12 and then slept until 8 am.  Could have used more rest but I hey it is what it is.  This morning my father made the typical Taylor breakfast, pancakes, eggs, bacon, turkey sausage...so I took Carol's idea and made me a home made McGriddle, less the syrup and I do have to say that it was good.  I had to clean off my car so I got outside to do that by 8:30 and was back in around 9am.  I turned on my coffee and came downstairs to get ready. Checked some journals, made lunch and snacks and me and my pink gym bag, and pink Starbucks cup were out the door. I have to admit the coffee making needs some more work but it was drinkable and very good during these cold mornings.

While at work I started looking for another job in the Baltimore area and as much as I hate to say it, it looks like I might be commuting until I find something. We simply can not afford for me to NOT work so I will have to commute, which cuts down my time with Keon and my gym time.  I have come to love that time that I get to sweat it up at the gym, so I am praying that God delivers me a break through on this one.  I am beginning to think that I should be looking at jobs paying a little less but in all honestly, I simply can not afford to make less money.  Until we are able to refinance my car, taking less money is out of the question for me. But maybe just until something comes up. Heather, how did you do it??  I used to commute for 1 1/2 hours each way and I have to tell you, it was horrible. Now not only will I be commuting for 1 1/2 hours, at least, I am going from VA to MD da