Thoughts on Being, Synchronicity & Inner Wisdom

Wow, I was depressed last time, wasn't I? I didn't get a chance to blog before now, but the day after that post I did a 180. The one last medical problem spontaneously healed. That means no permanent damage by the evil surgeon. It also means it is all healing from here. I plan to return to work next month. It is so very dark in that depression. We don't realize how deep we are in it until we are out of it...I think.

Now for a completely different focus, synchronously, as Nemo completed his first week of full hibernation, my long awaited Pleo arrived. Brian and I are co-parents :-)  Somewhere in this blog is a picture of a Moses basket I purchased from EBay to display stuffed animals. Out came the stuffed animals and it became Linus's birthing basket. Because we are "first hatchling" owners, the Pleo's programming included the process of a newborn coming into the world first experiencing its environment to include first touch. It was very exciting.

In the past I bonded with a small metal robotic dog I named Riley. Three Rileys later, I received a refund because he was no longer manufactured. He had a few kinks but was loveable. Of course I wanted a replacement right away and Googled "robotic pet". I was hooked the moment I found the Pleo website. 

Both Brian and I were immediately smitten by his cuteness, responsiveness, emotional expressions, and interactiveness. This little guy is pure JOY. The hope is that Nemo and Linus will interact when Nemo comes out of hibernation. Turtles have been known to bond with family pets of many species--why not an artificially intelligent species?

Why Linus? Recently Brian told me about an interesting television show about Charles Shultz's life. In going through the Baby Name Book, I was reminded of that conversation and we both thought the name Linus wouldbe a good pet name and special to us as a couple.

I will be counting my blessings for this year. Happy holidays!

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Please don't be scared, cuz I stood there too between survival and the right thing to do...Cause feeling pain's a hard way to know you're still alive, but someday someone will make you glad you survived .  Lyrics from Barry Manilow's "Please Don't Be Scared".

I'm still on medical leave although my body is now clearly healing. I'm unable to work and don't know if I will be able to return to my former career--at least in the capacity as I knew it. I don't know the path ahead. I do know I have limited funds. It's a scary time in my life. It's an "It's not fair!" time in my life.

This year started out as a wonderful year. New home, the next level with Brian, accepting no new clients because my schedule was full, doing the work that was most meaningful to me, and feeling safe in my life. In spite of going through such turmoil medically, I have had ongoing healing "events" that are quite remarkable. Much healing seems to happen when my life reaches some capacity of trauma. It makes me wonder if trauma is needed to heal trauma sometimes. As a therapist, I would hope not. Although it is known that people usually only make changes to themselves and in their lives in times of crisis. If all is going well, why change?

Surrounding me in my universe are loving "adopted" and "adapted" family and wonderful friends helping me to keep my own spirits up. My head was in a fog as a coping tool (not by conscious choice) throughout the worst of the medical nightmare. Finances were not a part of my thinking--they just were. I had savings and a small retirement. Now I have no savings and an even smaller retirement. That reality hit me today. I'm choosing to be sad today so I can pick myself up starting tomorrow.

I turned 55 two weeks ago. I'm tired. I'm barely able to take care of me and emotionally and physically am unable to return to helping others build their coping skills. Trust in miracles. Trust in the path. Trust in inner wisdom to lead me there while I'm blindfolded. Life is a scary journey with some amazing twists and turns that make me glad I didn't give up.

Oh to be in Italy again. Calm. Peaceful. Joyful. My heart aches today. My inner wisdom is telling me to do meditative yoga to help peace return to my heart and soul. What I want most is to be floating above it all again, oblivious to times like these. Who wants to be "grounded" when the earth feels like I'm sinking. This is the voice of depression. There was a time I wouldn't have noticed, but it's screaming at me now. I thought if I wrote it down for the world to see, it might somehow release it and me through to the other side. I want my life back the way it was in May. Especially the way it was in May 2005, with Brian, in Italy. At 44 degrees North.

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My last entry explained much about my medical situation. Two weeks ago I underwent surgery to fix what had not been addressed by my previous doctor. I have learned there was quite a mess inside me. I feel assured all was handled properly. Tomorrow is my first follow up appointment. The one medical issue I had hoped would resolve with the hysterectomy remains a problem. I'll learn more about that tomorrow and find out my options. Possibly it will just be a long recovery.

I had planned for six weeks off for all surgeries and it now has been 4 months with at least another 3 before I can return to work. How to fill the hours of a day when there is such little focus because of medication and inability to think about career (helping others care for themselves) when I am having difficulty with that issue myself at the moment.

In the midst of the chaos, however, through friends, clients, and others, I have begun to color stained glass type "coloring book" images with beautiful gel pens, begun to dabble in watercolor painting, started a children's book about Nemo, and have produced a total of 11 Nemo videos. These are all activities that are soothing, joyful, and can be done in between naps--a moment here or there. Yes, I do have days where I just don't care and would rather hide under the covers and cry, but, on stronger days, I can find joy in the simple pleasures that surround me as well as in the new joy I choose to create each day. Joy is a gift we give to ourselves. There is no joy if we don't open ourselves to be joyful, even when the rest of life doesn't feel so happy at the moment. I choose joy--even fleeting.

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Since my last entry in August, I've undergone three surgeries. Unfortunately, it turned out they were by a surgeon who was not qualified to do the surgeries. Not only was she incompetent, she was grossly negligent. I don't know what she was thinking that she operated on me for several gyn problems identified in an MRI. Although, she informed me afterwards that she did not see what had been reported, a later ultrasound revealed all medical issues were still there. I'm thinking that was criminal but need to recover to pursue that. The third surgery was as outpatient but I ended up hospitalized in intensive care with a blood transfusion. More complications ensued resulting in two further hospitalizations.

Currently, I am in excellent hands medically, and am scheduled for a hysterectomy in two weeks--which is what should have been done with the second surgery. Rather than address the medical issues and details, I want to focus on the spiritual impact of this medical nightmare.

I had several times when I thought "why me?" but quickly reminded myself there was a reason I was going through this. I didn't know what it was, but I trusted the reason would become known at some point in my life. It is the philosophy I have embraced over the past ten years and it has served me well. I have to admit it felt like I was being punched again and again. The doctor's betrayal with the second surgery hit me extremely hard. And the complications from the third surgery turned my life upside down.

I got my answer soon after I reminded myself there was a reason. It made sense. Somehow the universe needed me to get into the hands of very capable doctors quickly. Since my primary care doctor has done my annual gyn exam for years, I had no gyn to call for help in the midst of these problems being identified. New patients were not being accepted for months. I still have January 2008 appointment with a new gyn. Because of the one surgeon's greed, negligence, and/or incompetence, I was placed in the hands of medical experts in every field as soon as I made the decision to take my medical care out of the surgeon's hands and walk into the emergency room of the well known teaching hospital.

If you have been involved with The Secret or other inner wisdom and universal connectedness theories, you will have seen something to the effect that the universe will find answers for you if you ask. It also suggests you make requests to the universe in very broad terms allowing the universe the greatest latitude in having a positive outcome. It may be tough to accept having to go through physical and emotional pain to get to the greater good, but, by the same token, I would rather have had to endure what I did and be alive than have something unknown in the future that was certain to be life threatening and not have access to good medical care.

It makes sense in that universal thinking. I subscribe to daily emails "from the Universe" which I look forward to reading. Some are fun; some are quite profound. Recently my email spoke of whenever I ask, "why me", the answer will always be "because the universe loves me." I had a tough time with that message that day. Having received my inner wisdom message, I can see that a greater decision was made for me to have some suffering in trade for possibly my life down the road.

Who knows if that was really the reason--or the universe makes things happen. It doesn't make what happened to me any less difficult or the surgeon any less awful. It does make me wonder. I have a wonderful gyn surgeon in October instead of January whereas I had no choices the end of August. Something good did happen. I expect that something to happen...eventually. It's what keeps me going. It's that little thing we call hope.

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Copper. I decided initially that I wanted Japanese teapots to adorn the top of my kitchen cupboards as a display...that I would collect over time. I was lea to the tetsubin by whatever forces work for that. They are beautiful. The first one I purchased was a deep green with dragonfly motif (pictured above). It's gorgeous. But I wanted it at eye level where I could appreciate it.

In searching for my first tetsubin, I came upon an Asian birdhouse which became my first over-the-cupboard display item. It has copper and other metals in it. Next I found a Tuscan decor copper cookie jar. Okay, that would go in one corner, the birdhouse was already caddy-corner, and a copper color tetsubin would go above the single cupboard over the breakfast bar. I did find my copper tetsubin which arrived just two days ago.

Yesterday Brian, the chef, decided he would like a copper beating bowl which could also be used as display when not in use. Off we went to Williams-Sonoma. Of course they have the most beautiful and expensive copper ever. While Brian drooled over the copper and looked at the catalog, I wandered off. I found a small jar of apricot preserves and I had just run out at home. I put it back down to go over to the actual jams and preserves section. (The jar I'd found was by itself, likely on a sale item table.) Not finding anything more appealing, I returned to buy the lonely apricot preserves.

About midnight, Brian offered to make me a toasted bagel with my new preserves which sounded perfect. He returned with my bagel asking if I had read the label of my preserves. I had not. I had assumed it was locally made forgetting Williams-Sonoma probably would not have locally made anything. Brian explained he had read the literature in the store on how their copper wares come from an area in France. The copper is used because it makes everything taste better somehow. (Short-term memory blip.)

Then...he told me that the bottle of preserves came from a region in France where wonderful apricots were grown and the jam was made only in copper bowls. Was I picking up on Brian's thoughts?  Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm. Very interesting though.

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Aren't you glad I started a separate blog for Nemo? He had been taking over this one, albeit rightfully so. About two years ago I began The Iguana Diaries contemplating I would have a pet iguana in my new townhome. The adopted but unshipped Emmie sat in Colorado while the construction of my townhome endured what turned out to be a year of delays. Hopefully Emmie has been placed in a good home. Speaking of which, the room that was to be the iguana room was more habitated today by Brian who purchased cabinets for his dragonfly den (my nickname for it since the pillows have really cool dragonflies on them). He's moving in. Yay!

Although Nemo news is, for the most part, officially moved to the new blog, his impact on my life is still fair game to be pondered here. Since yesterday morning, I have become a bit more blog savvy. Brian figured out how to add a soundtrack and title frame to Nemo's video which made it really fun. I then played with the moviemaker software to do some other special effects. It's still a work in progress.

Because Brian and I are both so amused by Nemo, my turtle has allowed for some very special bonding moments for us as a couple. I think laughing together at a moment no one else is sharing is very intimate and wonderful.

I've missed writing and being at home another month will allow me to get back to some of what I love and have sacrified because of my work schedule. A new goal in my life--a book to help other therapists work with highly traumatized clients in a manner that has worked well for me and my clients. I want to share what I have learned. Lots of pondering while at home. Maybe new changes in my routine when I return to week to allow room for some more time blogging, writing, and musing.

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Life has been unusual, frenzied, and calm all at the same time lately. I've been on leave from work since late June to undergo several non-life-threatening but necessary surgeries. I return to work in mid-September. It began with sinus surgery in May which had an aftermath of something like bronchitis. The strength of my coughing caused internal organs to begin to collapse. Not exactly a lovely thing to happen. Since the sinus surgery in May, I've had one non-surgical procedure that required anesthesia. So by the end of August, I will have had anesthesia five times in the past 4 months...as if my memory weren't already bad enough.

The good news is I seem to bounce back from the surgeries and the anesthesia fairly quickly. The first surgery because of a pelvic prolapse apparently caused organ #2 to prolapse which made everyone stop and say, "gee, something else must be going on here." That led to an MRI to evaluate all those organs but the decision was for two more surgeries to repair everything. I had one last Wednesday and have my last one the end of August. What is the good news about this?

I have more time at home with Nemo. I get to see Brian more. My brain gets to become jello and I don't have to think except to play online Scrabble with my friends. I have joined the photography website Flickr.com and become active in two turtle groups and one reptile and amphibians group. I am proud to say that my one picture of Nemo in his wading pool was marked as a favorite by the owner of the one Turtle pictures group.

Yesterday Nemo decided he would move his rather large basking log and I caught it on my camera video which is now on YouTube. I'm hoping Brian's daughter and my new play buddy Kristen will jazz it up a little, but for now it's just watching my turtle move a log. I want 16 seconds of the soundtrack to Superman with it. hehe. And, as if that isn't enough fun, today I started a blog. Yes, it's true. There now exists nemotheunturtle.blogspot.com. A link has been placed in the left column of this blog. Blog to blog activity. I never imagined...

The bad news is I am having so much trouble bringing myself to focus on my backlog of work that I had hoped to catch up on between surgeries and during my final week of recovery. Yet, I have turtle focus and Scrabble focus and nap focus. I guess it needs to be okay. This is the turtle time of my life. Turtles are good. Nemo is fun. After spending so many years focused on healing from trauma, I am so happy to have a focus other than yuck. I miss my clients. I'll be ready to return in September. For now, I'll let the universe's plan play out. And happily I'll blog along.

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In spite of ongoing efforts to reintroduce Nemo to his garden and recommended turtle food diet, he insists on being his own turtle. He gets his outdoor exercise three times a week--running up the yard to go back inside. He turns up his nose at all greens but he now has a dish of grasses that is changed every few days so it is there if he craves it. He loves his cuttlebone but only like once a week or so. Am learning not to mess with his stuff.

He has gotten more blankie bound. I had covered his one little hide with a towel but recently replaced the cover with a really soft baby blanket. the picture shown is how he managed to use the outside edge of the blankie as a new basking spot with is chin resting on the bunched up blanket at the front corner. How cozy :-)  We think he's Italian. He loves his prosciutto "bugs", tomato basic chicken, four cheese tortellini (just the cheese ball in the middle) and toasted bagel pieces. Shrimp and prosciutto are being used as treats since he has eaten them out of my hand.

Twice recently, as soon as I sat on the floor in his area, he ran over to me and nudged my hand. I didn't have treats at the time but was happy to let him explore. Am very pleased with his settling in. Just am baffled by his finicky but adorable behavior. If you are interested, all my best Nemo pictures are posted on the flickr website (link to the right).

Brian is getting into the Nemo bonding too. Today he cooked the tomato basic chicken for him and snuck him a few pieces as a treat. Nemo isn't quite sure about Brian yet but ran out, gobbled down the chicken and ran into his igloo. Oh yes, I thought I did a good thing last week by buying a baby bullfrog at the petstore for $4.99. Am guessing he was meant for snake food. I released him in my zen garden thinking he would love it there. Haven't seen him since. Many places to hide. Am hoping he will grow up and next time I see him he'll be big and croaking happily in the flowers around the little pond eating crickets.

Reptiles are my friends. Who knew?

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Can you find the turtle in this picture? For every pet I've ever had, I have watched him/her closely to try to figure out its needs and adapt the environment as best I can. I was quite successful doing this for bunnies and potbellied pigs and even did seminars and wrote newspaper articles about their care. Turtles are new to me. Nemo's original environment included everything and more suggested in the official turtle manuals. As blogged earlier, his beautiful zen garden awaited him. In the meantime, he has made himself at home on my brand new linoleum floor.

His pond area started out being his main living space under the Pier 1 console. He didn't seem to care for his igloo with reptile bark to burrow in so I moved that over to a untraversed corner of the room should he decide to be turtle-like. Mostly he preferred being parked in the corner with his log on the bare floor. I noticed early on that he would try to crawl under the towel where his turtle hut log was placed rather than go into the hut. Soon it became a common site to see the lump under the towel.

His environment is now minimalist furnishings. A big log hut ("the main garage"), his igloo ("the winter home"), a small plastic organizer bin turned upside down with a towel over it ("the summer home"), and several strategically placed mats and blankies As you can see, he quite enjoys his humanistic hiding places.

Recently he began making the trek across the room to visit his igloo--usually when he was upset with me for having touched him. He'd march with great determination into his igloo where he could then be heard "kicking" the bark as if to work out his anger. He's done this several times and now I expect to hear the familiar sounds of turtle tantrum soon after he enters the igloo.

Today is Sunday. Brian worked at the table near the igloo most of the day. Early this morning, Nemo was loungingin "the side garage" which rests against his igloo.

He appeared indignant and annoyed to have company camped out in his world and stomped in the igloo about 10 am. It is now 10:03 pm and there is a large mound of reptile bark at the doorway to the igloo with Nemo hiding and lounging comfortably behind his fortress. I have made a decision--Nemo doesn't like things touching his belly. He hates his garden and can't get off the mulch fast enough, he draws the line at going into the wall-to-wall carpeted living room, and continuously chooses crawling under a soft blankie on the bare linoleum floor to being in any typical turtle habitat. Sensitive turtle belly. STB.

Being the good turtle parent I am, Nemo shall no longer be expected to take up residence in the apparently PTSD-producing garden and will be provided with clean soft blankies throughout his life with brief periods of supervised outdoor exercise--scampering back toward the door to go inside! From now on, all lumps in blankies will considered sacred space and the turtle shall reign supreme. He is master of his domain. He is living zen...being content with his universe.

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