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5:14:00 PM EST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet
Through the Rain
Please don't be scared, cuz I stood there too between survival and the right thing to do...Cause feeling pain's a hard way to know you're still alive, but someday someone will make you glad you survived . Lyrics from Barry Manilow's "Please Don't Be Scared".
I'm still on medical leave although my body is now clearly healing. I'm unable to work and don't know if I will be able to return to my former career--at least in the capacity as I knew it. I don't know the path ahead. I do know I have limited funds. It's a scary time in my life. It's an "It's not fair!" time in my life.
This year started out as a wonderful year. New home, the next level with Brian, accepting no new clients because my schedule was full, doing the work that was most meaningful to me, and feeling safe in my life. In spite of going through such turmoil medically, I have had ongoing healing "events" that are quite remarkable. Much healing seems to happen when my life reaches some capacity of trauma. It makes me wonder if trauma is needed to heal trauma sometimes. As a therapist, I would hope not. Although it is known that people usually only make changes to themselves and in their lives in times of crisis. If all is going well, why change?
Surrounding me in my universe are loving "adopted" and "adapted" family and wonderful friends helping me to keep my own spirits up. My head was in a fog as a coping tool (not by conscious choice) throughout the worst of the medical nightmare. Finances were not a part of my thinking--they just were. I had savings and a small retirement. Now I have no savings and an even smaller retirement. That reality hit me today. I'm choosing to be sad today so I can pick myself up starting tomorrow.
I turned 55 two weeks ago. I'm tired. I'm barely able to take care of me and emotionally and physically am unable to return to helping others build their coping skills. Trust in miracles. Trust in the path. Trust in inner wisdom to lead me there while I'm blindfolded. Life is a scary journey with some amazing twists and turns that make me glad I didn't give up.
Oh to be in Italy again. Calm. Peaceful. Joyful. My heart aches today. My inner wisdom is telling me to do meditative yoga to help peace return to my heart and soul. What I want most is to be floating above it all again, oblivious to times like these. Who wants to be "grounded" when the earth feels like I'm sinking. This is the voice of depression. There was a time I wouldn't have noticed, but it's screaming at me now. I thought if I wrote it down for the world to see, it might somehow release it and me through to the other side. I want my life back the way it was in May. Especially the way it was in May 2005, with Brian, in Italy. At 44 degrees North.
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Hello Grace,
I am not someone you know.... I receive messages
when your site is updated, and to be honest, I have
missed the other updates from the past few months.
Imagine someone who might be going through what
you are without the 'inner wisdom' of which you speak.
I've been through a whole LOT in my life. More
emotional and some medical issues, but what I have
found so very important is to ~center my mind~ on
what the blessings in my life are. Even if you have
to write these blessings down and post them up around
your house for the reminder.... do it.
One day, I can see you having the phenomenal ability to guide
someone else down a path that has difficulties because
your spirit will reach out to those people, even without
you spilling out your story to them.
If you need one more 'friend' to just shoot messages out to,
please feel the comfort in doing that. I'm going to make
certain I pay attention when another update comes out....
I'll be looking for them.
XO XO
Deb
AFMomDeb@aol.com
12/2/07 7:25 PM
I commented on your journal this evening. Then I was looking
for the address of a friend. In looking through a stack of index
cards, I came to this quote I had written down....
"There is a way out of every dark mist over a rainbow trail" ~ Navajo Song
I recalled that you had an 'Indian quote-message on your site, so I
thought.....
Humans are but a single thread in the web of the universe. (Native American wisdom)
It was meant for me to share this rainbow trail quote to you. :))))
AND..... here is a photograph I took in my (Ohio) back
yard... August 25, 2007 - 8:16 PM
You can faintly see....... it's a Double Rainbow.
http://img146.imageshack.us/i
xo xo
Deb