MY VIEW FROM THE TOP

I had my sixth Chemo treatment last week.  The big thing for me was I got to see my doctor for the first time in a month.  He'd been away and I had to see others.  Gosh, it felt good to see him.  He always allays my fears and makes me feel better.  I had a few questions for him that were of concern for me and he pooh-pooh'd them.  I felt safe again. 

My hemoglobin is up to 14 now; that's very good!  He told me he has no other patient on Chemo with a count as high as that.  He also said it may come down a bit but not to be worried.  It can't go much higher.  I asked him about that cancer marker number.  He said it's just a number they use to check the results, but my number is coming down and that's good.  "Don't be too hooked on numbers" was his advice to me.  This past Friday I had a CAT scan.  This is customary after six treatments.  I sure hope he has good news for me next week.  He said he may tweak the meds depending on the results.  That's fine with me as long as nothing he gives me makes me lose my hair.  I've been fortunate that I haven't lost any hair.  It may have thinned a bit, but it's still all there.  I know, I know, a small price to pay to get well, and honestly, I do feel that way.  Just let me get better.  He said if the tumors shrink enough I may be a candidate for surgery to remove them.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, but he said if the time comes it will be more advantageous for me to have the deadly demons removed.  I guess I'll have to go along with that.

I continue to count my blessings daily.  I still feel I am an incredibly lucky woman.  I feel good, I look good.  No one would guess I have deadly demons inside me.  A lady at work said she is the president of my fan club and I am the bravest woman she knows.  I don't feel that way.  I'm just playing the hand God dealt me.  What else can I do?     

 

dakotarose2852 at 1:51:27 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Last week I had my fifth Chemo treatment.  Nothing eventful happened except that the nurse who plugged in the Chemo to my port catheter forgot to put a bandage over the plug.  I noticed it and I meant to ask her about it but I forgot.  I figured I still had time because she would still need to hook me up to the bottle of special Chemo called 5FU which I wear home for 46 hours.  Still I forgot.  I didn't notice until we were out of the parking garage and on the street.  I didn't want to go back because it was such a pain to go back into the garage and get another pass so we didn't have to pay.  Needless to say, when I went back to the hospital on Sunday to have the bottle removed, the nurse who unhooked me was shocked that I'd had no bandage.  Jim had fixed me up with a bandage we had at home, but it wasn't really the right kind.  You can be sure I won't forget to check again. 

The one thing I have noticed as the Chemo goes on and becomes cumulative it is making my skin very sensitive.  I can't use any make-up at that time and certainly no perfume.  I get an icky rash and I itch.  The nurse said it's part of the Chemo reaction.  The rash does go away in a couple of days once the 5FU is removed. 

The last two times I've gone for treatment I haven't been able to see my regular doctor.  He's been away.  The first doctor I saw was amazed by my blood count which is very good.  My white blood cells and my plateletts are very good.  Also my hemoglobin has come up to a normal range since I had the iron infusion.  However, she was concerned about my weight loss.  I can't help that.  If I can't eat, I can't eat.  The next time I went a different doctor was glad about my number, but concerned about something called a "cancer marker."  It's a blood test which gives them a number so they can tell wether the treatment is working.  My number had been going up, which was a concern to them.  However, he was happy to report that in two weeks the number had gone from a 450 to a 200.  I honestly don't know what all this means.  I told him I've been feeling really good and he told me that I should not become hung up on a number and just to go with how I feel.  However, next Friday when I go for my sixth treatment, I will see my regular doctor and I'll ask him about it.  Sometimes he doesn't tell me what he thinks I don't need to know.  Now, that's fine with me.  If I don't need to know about it yet, please don't tell me.  It will only make me worry more.  I do know this information affected Jim, though.  He's been extra attentive with me (if that's possible) and when I told him I could do something, he got a little teary and said he's just glad I'm still here for him to do things for.  Boy did that make me feel sad.  I hate to think that my Sweetie is so worried about me.  I'm going to win!

Today my sister-in-law, Jim and I went to the mall.  It's about 40 minutes away, not too far to be a big deal and not to close to get us into trouble.  It felt so good for us to be out seeing what's going on in our world.  For so many weeks we've been tied up with me.  I hate that.  I walked the entire mall, back and forth and I did very well.  I got a little tired once and sat on a bench for a few minutes, but overall Jim was very proud of me.  I was proud of myself too.  We bought a few things at Macy's, I got my Clinique make-up which I'm pretty sure won't aggravate my skin, and my sister-in-law got her eye cream. God it felt good!   Then Jim got some clothes since he's lost so much weight since his heart attack 3 years ago.  Everything was swimming on him and a couple of times his pants actually fell down.  Hee Hee Hee!  Poor guy.

My tummy's a little upset today, but otherwise I'm ok.  I'm not eating much today, taking it easy. 

Take care my devoted journal friends.  You all mean so much to me!

dakotarose2852 at 5:51:19 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I have been gone a long time.  I've had nothing to say and no thoughts to share, but I thought I should make a post here in case anybody still looks.

My life has changed dramatically since last summer.  On April 24, 2008 I was diagnosed with colon cancer that has spread to my liver.  When I first was told, it really didn't register.  When I saw my daughter and husband crying, it was like I was hit on the head with a rubber hammer.  Boom!  I realized what the doctor had said to me.  I've done my fair share of crying, too, but I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not leaving this earth yet! 

I have a wonderful, highly successful oncologist at Hacensack University Medical Center who tells me I might win.  So, every other Friday my husband, daughter and I make the sixty mile journey so I can spend 3 hours hooked up to my special Chemo mix.  Then we make the sixty mile journey back home.  I'm a little tired after all this, but in a few days it passes and then I feel so good.  I don't think of myself as a sick person, just someone who goes for treatment every other week. 

There have been some drastic changes, though.  My appetite is very poor now.  I went from a person who lived to eat to a person who eats to live.  Most of my favorite foods taste just awful to me now.  I'm told this is due to the Chemo.  I've lost so much weight that I've had two new wardrobes since all this began.  Since May 23rd I've lost 20 pounds, without even trying.  Sometimes people make jokes about how they wish they could do that.  I tell them no they don't.  No one wants to lose weight this way.  Trust me on this folks. 

But, folks, I'm not complaining either.  I have had, and continue to have a wonderful life, with the best husband, the best daughter and the best sister-in-law any woman has a right to hope for. 

So, I continue my Chemo, and fight, fight, fight!  I will never stop fighting!

dakotarose2852 at 2:24:01 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

This week was the State Fair/Sussex County Farm and Horse Show.  Originally, for years and years, it was The Sussex County Farm and Horse Show, but then the great state of NJ decided to tack on the "State Fair" and run the show.  Well, sort of, because here in NJ, the only thing the state can run is amuck.

Ok, politics aside, this is a major event here in rural NJ.  Our local radio station sponsors a diaper derby, our local news paper devotes pages and pages to the events running each day and the winners of the events from the previous day.  Everywhere you go you hear people saying, "what day are you going?"  I'm telling you this is BIG!  Why, we even planned our vacation time around the fair this year! 

We carefully studied the events listed for each day, trying to find the perfect day for all of us to see our favorite events.  We finally settled on Friday as they were showing the Alpacas, a smaller looking llama, although much cuter, which our daughter really wanted to see.  Also scheduled for Friday was a show called "Sheltieville" which we all wanted to see since Shelties are our dogs of choice.  Also, this was going to be even more momentous for me because our daughter was coming with us as her husband is not really interested in this type of event.  Yes, I was as excited as a kid looking forward to Disney World.

Friday dawned rainy, windy and very chilly.  I mean like only 57* chilly.  My heart sank, my spirits flagged, but, alas, we all agreed we should go anyway and hope for the best.  So, we donned our rain gear and away we went.   By the time we arrived at the fair grounds, (only 15 minutes from my house), the rain had become a drizzle, it was not busy yet and we got a great parking space!  We meandered through the carnival area, we checked out the food vendors for later on, we shopped a little at some of the stalls and we strolled through the Poultry House.  There was a rooster there, huge black fella with feathers all down his legs and on his feet, a real beauty.  I think he must have won the crowing contest because he was so proud of himself and would not stop crowing. 

Finally it was time for the Sheltie show to start.  We got to the arena early so we could get a good seat.  There were three Shelties in the show and I have to say, really, as dog acts go it wasn't that spectacular, but I wasn't surprised.  Shelties are far too dignified and refined to do mere dog tricks.  Give them a good agility course to run and they are thrilled, but jumping through hoops?  Wearing a silly costume? Nah, not much fun for a Sheltie.  Still, they were Shelties, and so my heart sang with joy to be sitting there just looking at these beautiful creatures.  I clapped and clapped at every move these precious dogs made.  They were wonderful, talented babies to me.  After the show we were invited up to pet the dogs.  You know I was first in line for that!  I must say, though, I really just wanted my own precious baby and when we got home I told her all about it and how none were as beautiful or smart as she.

There was a lot going on that day.  My daughter got to see her Alpacas.  She got to check out the pigs, which she has always wanted since she was three years old and saw "Charlotte's Web."  In fact, there was a pig there named Charlotte and in the corner of her pen was a web with the word "humble" spun into it.  Me, I got to see the cows, all the pretty, pretty girls.  What a thrill for me because I have always loved cows, especially black and white cows.  There were so many cows, all of them very beautiful in their own way.  I saw them being judged, I heard the judge speaking of udders being just the perfect size and the cows legs being just right.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  I just picked a cow whose face looked especially cute.  Or, one who responded when I ooo'd and ahh'd over it.  One of them really liked me.  She was laying down, but when I went up to her stall she got up and came over by me.  Her name was Serendipity, Dippy for short.  A woman told me her son had raised her for his 4-H project and this cow was very affectionate and fun loving.  I just knew it!  Cows do have personalities!  I had suspected that when I saw cows on a farm down the road running and frolicking in the pasture.  And just to make this an especially memorable event for me, I got licked twice, by two cows.  Oh, did I mention that cows are very stinky?

Finally it was time for us to go home, exhausted but very satisfied.

 

dakotarose2852 at 9:00:03 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

This beautiful bird lives in the field surrounding our club house.  I've named her Killdee, although I have no way of knowing whether it actually is a she or a he.  I've given her the female gender because she has such a sassy, fresh attitude she couldn't possibly be anything but a girl. 

When Lucy and I are out for our walk, Killdee sees us and gives her shrill call to let us know she is there.  She runs back and forth on the lawn on her long legs, her beautiful neck bands looking like an exotic necklace.  Always, Lucy and I stop and watch her.  Sometimes I even call out to her, "Hi pretty Killdee, you're so beautiful and you sing such a pretty song."  She stops, she cocks her head to the left and right.  As we walk on she runs down the field.

One time I guess she didn't want us to leave so soon.  She flew down to the sidewalk, right near us and made her pretty sound.  We stopped and talked to her again.  Lucy was very interested and wanted to go check her out.  I wouldn't let her get too close, though, as I didn't want Killdee to get scared.  Finally we continued on our walk and Killdee hopped along beside us, keeping just far enough away that Lucy couldn't get too close to her. 

I wonder what Killdee was really trying to do.  Did something about us attract her?  Was it my voice talking to her that attracted her?  Or, did she have a nest near by that she didn't want us to find?  I guess I'll never know, but every evening when we take our stroll, Killdee is there in the field, calling to us.

dakotarose2852 at 2:50:02 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

This huge creature, called a Luna Moth, has taken up residence on my daughters front door.  It simply will not leave and none of us want to actually chase it away.  Actually, it would be beautiful were I not seeing it so up close and personal.

dakotarose2852 at 3:04:49 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I've been away so long.  At last I'm coming back.

Somewhere along the line my journal strayed from what I had originally planned for it to be, an account of my thoughts and observations.

I'm going to try to get back to that.  So, let me begin with this...

On the way to work recently, while driving over the Hamburg Mountain road, we came upon a grassy stretch, no rocks, just a small open patch.  There, on the lovely green grass was a young fawn, tall, gangly, still with his spots.  He was a beautiful light tan, huge dreamy eyes, a clump of grass sticking out of his mouth.  He was so beautiful, with such a look of trust in his eyes... and he was thinking of crossing the road.  There were several cars behind us and several cars going in the opposite direction.  I opened the car window, clapped my hands and yelled "go back baby, go back!"  The car behind us beeped his horn!  The car on the other side of the road beeped his horn!  The baby fawn flattened his ears, a look of terror filled his eyes and he high tailed it back into the woods.  Whew, that was close!  Still, I didn't trust that he had not, at some point, tried to cross the road.

On the way home that night I scanned the road sides to be sure I didn't see a dead baby on the road.  I didn't.

Over these many months I have learned this:

The longer I live, the less I like humans and the more I like animals.

 

dakotarose2852 at 9:20:02 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I'm just stopping by to say hello and let everyone know I'm fine and everything is fine with my loved ones.  I'm going to continue on my break away from my journal.  I'll be back someday.  When possible, I will leave comments in your journals.  Please feel free to email me at any time.

Take care.  I'm thinking of all of  you.

dakotarose2852 at 3:00:00 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Not much has been happening, that's what.

The new year started off on kind of a down note for me.  There's been so many bad things going on at work that it's been carrying over into my home life. 

Basically, the owner of the company does not want to give medical benefits to the spouses of his employees anymore.  My husband is on my medical insurance.  He doesn't work, and he's too young for medicare.  I guess, legally, they can't just say they will no longer insure spouses, but they sure can charge me the highest rate you can imagine.  The cost of my coverage is going up $60 per payroll deduction.  Since we get paid biweekly, that's like $30 more per week.  I'm sick about this.  I'll hardly be bringing home any money, now.  I can't be without medical coverage, especially with Jim's medical condition.  The bills for his heart attack in July 2005 came to almost $150,000.00, and that wasn't even a bad one.  He was in the hospital the minimum time.  I can't imagine what they would have been if he'd been really bad.  All I had to pay out of that bill was $100.

I guess now you can understand why I've been so disgusted with my job.  I'm feeling very bad thoughts about these people and I don't like that either.  It's not good.

I'm looking into finding another job, but it's not easy, especially as we get older.  First, it's scary to have to prove yourself all over again, probably to someone younger.  Second, it's not easy to get a job as we get older.  Not too many companies want to hire someone in her 50's.  I know age discrimination is against the law, but it's out there all the same.  

I'm just really down about this whole mess.

Lately my right hand has been paining me a lot.  I have arthritis in my hand and my knuckles have gotten swollen, especially on my ring finger.  I can hardly wear any of my rings anymore.  I'm pretty upset because I sure love my jewelry.  Now the pain is going up into my wrist and into my arm.  Inaddition to all the typing and mousing I have to do at work, I also have to do a lot of stapling, and this really kills my hand and wrist.  I'm a mess!

It sucks to get old.  Whoever said life begins at 40 was crazy.

Through all of this bad stuff, I still have so much to be thankful for.  

I have my Jim with me and he's good.  I have my sister-in-law who tells me I can when I say I can't.  I have my Lucy who gives me pleasure beyond belief, and love without conditions.  I have my wonderful daughter and her husband, who think I have the wisdom of the world at my disposal.  I have my books to read and eyes that still let me see.  I know the special moment in the morning, while most of the world still sleeps, but I walk with my Jim and my Lucy by my side.  And last but not least, I have the sunrises.  I get to see the birth of each new day and...oh, it is beautiful!  

I don't usually whimper and whine in my journal.  Most of the time I just keep it hidden inside because I'm not real good at sharing.  But, I just felt the need to put it all out there for you guys to read. 

dakotarose2852 at 5:26:12 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 4 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Last night we drove around the area to see the Christmas lights displays.  I love the lights.  There is something so magical about those lights.  Every place looks so cozy and warm.  We drove far and wide and we saw some absolutely beautiful displays.  Still the prettiest lights were those right here in our own development.

Christmas day we will be with our daughter and her huband.  I can't wait.

I want to wish all my J-Land friends a very Merry Christmas.  May your hearts be filled with love.  If you don't celebrate Christmas, may you still have a special day, filled with joy and love.

 

 

dakotarose2852 at 4:34:57 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own