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Hearing Panda Bear -- 'Bros'
Before Gilbert Arenas, There Was Agent Zero
While researching the top 10 sports blog stories of all time, an "agent zero" Google search revealed a Marvel Universe mutant possessing the following abilities:
"Agent Zero is a deadly hand-to-hand combatant, a precision marksman, and an expert in covert operations and demolitions. He also has vast experience with computers and communications equipment."
That's Gilbert to a tee! How dare the world of comics thieve the identity of our beloved Zero Hero! Or did they? Who came first: the Black President or this masked gunman?
To answer this inquiry, I sent the link to a bunch of sports bloggers, and the ensuing conversation was a revelation. Turns out that mutant Zero took the moniker in 2002, four years before Wizznutzz bestowed Gil with the nickname last April. Coincidentally, it also turns out that a high percentage of sports bloggers are comic geeks. Shocking! Here is but a sampling of the never-before-seen correspondence that took place ...
First up, J.E. Skeets from The Basketball Jones:
"Ah, great game. Who came first ...
Dwyane Wade or Flash?
Shaquille O'Neal or Superman?
Charlie Villanueva or Martian Manhunter?"
Wow. Villanueva really does look like the Manhunter, which is funny but not as funny as Matt Watson's long-ago discovery that Black Mamba (a.k.a. Kobe Bryant) is actually a female Marvel villian. Atthis point, the light turned green for nerds to start kicking down the closet door. First up, John C. Ness and his explanation of the newfound Agent Zero:
"He's a minor nobody. One of a dozen X-characters that showed up and started shooting people in the early 90's. All of a sudden, all the new heroes had to carry guns."
So this Zero is a hero! Looks more like a baddie to me. Anyway, Ness' nerdery has nothing on the Cavalier from Yay Sports, who offered up this confessional:
"I don't buy [comics] anymore, but moderately keep up with the happenings. Once upon a time, I freaked out my high school girlfriend when after a year of dating, I made this big deal about needing to tell her something I'd been keeping from her, and I took her to the comic book store to reveal my dirty secret. She really didn't know what to do, and was all like, "Oh my god, does this mean you're a dork or something?"
"No," I said. "I'm a cool dude with a secret dork side that I keep a secret. Now kiss me. Kiss me like you're She-Hulk and I'm Captain Britain."
I thought Seth Cohen was a fictional character, but you just can't fake knowledge like that. Countless other emails came and went (including one about shoplifting and another about pogs!), but the thread culminated in the dispatch we'd all been waiting for. Finally, Wizznutzz, the self-described seed of Agent Zero legend, burst forth with their explanation:
"Wizznutzz dont see these emails since we r off in australia trying to teach aboriginies eddie jordans princeton offense aka THE WALKBOUT!we takeall the nicknames we use for ballerz from books, like how we call Andrew Bogut "Fatal SHore"!!!"
SBLschrages4EVA: Hey
SBLschrages4EVA: Can you do me a real geeky favor?
DCSportsGuy: of course!
SBLschrages4EVA: Could you go here: http://www.midtowncomics.com
Enter this into the search field in the upper left: captain america vol 5 #25
Order 1 of each cover.
They are limiting everyone to 1 of each and I wanted to get a couple of extra. I promise to pay you back and give you a few extra bucks. It should come to about $12 with shipping.
You really don't have to, I know it's a weird request. Please don't worry if you don't want to.
DCSportsGuy: i will do this just so that i'm allowed to make fun of you for it down the line. deal?
SBLschrages4EVA: Like you wouldn't have anyway?
SBLschrages4EVA: Captain America is dead man!!
SBLschrages4EVA: A nation mourns
SBLschrages4EVA: Have you no soul??
DCSportsGuy: i used to really like cap america. when i was 11.
SBLschrages4EVA: Well now he's dead. And it's because you stopped caring
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Did you <i>see</i> the box office for <i>300</i> this weekend? Comic book fans own this country.
And you may want to advise Shrager not to buy all those multiple covers. Those investments haven't paid off since the days when Rob Liefeld was doing Levis commericals. -
Take comfort in the fact that he sent me the exact same IM and I replied in almost the exact same way.. sans the I used to like comics crap. When I get these comic books and give them to him, I might do so with a bitch slap full of grow the hell up!
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More Schrager-based content!!
2 of my 3 nicknames are from comics.
Instead of ordering a comic book for Shrages, order him some Gay Porn, and see that it is shipped to him in the obligatory plain brown wrapper. With any luck, he'll open it at work, where you can see and film him.
3/12/07 2:42 PM