DIARY OF A CO-DEPENDENT

"......and when she said she wants somebody else, I hope you know that's she doesn't mean you, and when she breaks down and makes a sound , you'll never hear her the way that I do, and when she says she wants someone to love, I hope you know that she doesn't mean you, and when she breaks down and lets you down, I hope you know that she doesn't mean to...."                                                                      

                                                                         Howie Day

From Word

Late p.m.

8 November '07

It's a dark dark place I go sometimes...deep within myself, when I remember....when I remember how I used to feel, and compare it to how I feel now. I guess it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That's been said before. I've said it before. It is sweet agony having lost, but having the sweet memories to live over and over again in my mind.

I remember how the relationship started, and the first time I love you's were said. It was a magical moment in each relationship. But it would never last for me. No matter how strongly I felt it, or how devoted I was, or how faithful, somehow I wasn't meant to have an everlasting love.

I've been a good woman. I have been faithful, and done all the things a nice girlfriend or a good wife would do. Always a romantic and always very affectionate, I never hid the way I felt about him whoever he was at the time. I loved so many. I never wanted it to be that way. Everytime I lost, I tried to find another. Somehow I fell short of being the kind they wanted to share a life with. Sometimes I was clingy, but as time went by, I learned not to be. I learned to relax and feel confident. Yet it seemed that when I relaxed, the guy I was with thought I didn't care, and if I was clingy, I drove another away. No matter what I did, I just couldn't make it last. Either I tried too hard or didn't try hard enough. So now I've quit trying at all.

I've gotten tired of the empty promises. Promises mean nothing to me, unless I make them. I am true to them. I remained faithful to my vows for many years, even when I knew he was not. Eventually I just got sick of being hurt over and over again, by promises broken by lies. I've wanted so much to believe in something, or someone, and I've learned one important lesson. The only one I can really believe in is me. Yes I eventually broke my vows too, but in reaching out to be loved when the one I loved ran to another...once, just one time.

I do still hurt so much in my heart. I do get very lonely somtimes, and most times I can chase it away by getting into a hobby or a good movie, but sometimes, it's more powerful than I. I get lost in it and I have to give way and just FEEL the pain. I am immersed in it. I wallow in it. And I never let anyone see it. I keep it to myself, because it's something I'm ashamed of. I think I shouldn't feel this way. I should be stronger. I should learn to accept the fact that this is the way my life has turned out. I made a lot of bad choices, and so I'm responsible for where I now sit. There was never a guarantee in life.

The first great loss was when my father died. He killed himself when he was only 19. That loss has left a void in my life that will never be filled. Sometimes I place myself where he must have been. Sometimes I don't blame him for what he did. But I know this, he was very kind and generous and a very talented and gifted person.He had so much to live for. It wasn't his fault that he was abused to the point that he felt worthless. My grandfather tormented  him literally to death.

It is autumn and I can't help but think of J. It is so hard to fight temptation right now. I believe if I reached out to him again, he would not deny me. But I know in doing so I would be opening a Pandora's box. I would be starting the tragedy all over again by loving someone I could never have. I long so much to feel again the way he made me feel. I will never forget the way he touched me, or the way he would look at me. He would reach up and caress my cheek with his hand. He took my hand and pulled me into the middle of a dark deserted street and waltzed with me. "This is us on our wedding day," he said. We both cried. It was awful. He cried to me that night,"Why couldn't I have met you first?" It wasn't meant to be.

He shares my love of movies, even "chick flicks". He recommended a movie favorite, which is now one of my very favorites. He loves museums and art and classical music, and poetry and books. He loved holding hands and writing letters, poems and stories for me. I miss him so very much. These things we shared, I can share with no one else. My husband isn't ineterested in such things. He's tried but it's just not in him.

As I drive down the road in the afternoon, and the sun is setting, I think of him. It was on such a day I was going to get ready to meet him. I remember the anticipation. Fixing my hair and make-up, putting on nice jeans and a top. He was such a geek and I'm such free spirit. He loved me in my jeans and I loved him in his khakis and buttoned down shirt. I loved him in his glasses. Didn't mind that he smoked. It was a love affair that makes me feel warm everytime I remember.

I'll never forget the Sunday we were able to sneak off to Old Town. He took me to an Irish pub to watch his favorite team play football that day. We sat in a booth, and I leaned back on his chest as we watched together. Soon he was dragging me out the door and leading me down the street to sit by the river, and we and snuggled together and "snogged". He was always so playful. He loved to laugh. We did things like that. We lived a lifetime in a month. It was November. No wonder I ache for him. I supposeI will feel this way every autumn for the rest of my life. He drifted into and out of my life like an autumn wind.

I know I could keep the love alive. I know all the things to do. I've just needed to find someone who was just as interested in a lifelong partnership. I didn't do enough research to find the right guy. It takes work, but it's worth it. I just know it is. Some just aren't willing to try. I have done everything I know how. It takes two. I can't make a relationship work by myself. Why did I end up like this? Is there a chance I'll ever be happy?

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