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4:54:00 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
Words
Words can be used in so many ways. In reading a past post of Indigo's Raven's Lament, she spoke of "crippling words". This spoke volumes to me and this is why.
When I was six I had surgery which allowed me to stand and walk. After getting out of the casts and having therapy, I got my first pair of crutches. Naturally, I was slow and wobbly at first (even as an adult, my fastest speed was maybe snail's pace 2nd gear). One of the early foray's Mom & I took out was a trip downtown. She couldn't find a parking space on the west side of the street, so she parked on the east side and we went to the crosswalk and started crossing over. Now, Congress Avenue is 6 lanes across so you can guess what happened. I got half way across when the light changed, so we kept walking as fast as we (I) could as people patiently waited. When we finally got to the other side there was this elderly lady standing there watching us. She then patted me on the head (like a puppy) and said to mother "Oh, the poor thing. What's wrong with her?" That was my introduction to condescending pity. (I have no memory of my mother's reply.) After that there were many times when we would get home from somewhere and Mom would say "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you." or "I wish I'd never had you."
In 1953-54 we lived on base at Randolph AFB. This was during the polio epidemic and most people were totally ignorant of it with the same reactions we had during the early years of AIDS. Some neighbors would not allow their kids to play with me. The school administrators were the worst. This was a brand new school and I wore long legged (locked knee) braces. There were no railings and all entrances had stairs with Spanish tile finish on them (slippery when wet), which meant I fell up or down them regularly. The kids and my teachers were great to me, but the administrators told me and my mother that I was not wanted there - period! They wanted me sent to a handicapped school off base. Mother wouldn't have it. I think it would have been too much of an embarrassment to her.
I might add that when we first got to Randolph I was sent to Brooks Army Medical Center for treatment (now one of the best burn centers in the country). This is when I first got my braces. It was during this early time with them that I made some remark about being "crippled". A nurse took me aside and told me it was a bad word and I should never use it in reference to myself. From that day on "crippled" became my "N" word. (I just wish she'd had the same talk with my father as he referred to me as his "crippled daughter" to his dying day.)
Later my mother pulled a complete 360 and sent me to a brand new camp called (at that time) The Texas Lions Camp for Crippled Children. I didn't do too well that first year as I'd never been around many other disabled kids. However, my attitude changed by the second year and I loved it. Mother, on the other had had some problems with the aftermath of each trip. We walked everywhere during each 2 week stay and when I'd get home, my knees wouldn't hold me up. I'd fall at the drop of a hat and Mom would beat the tar out of me for falling! (Dad was in Korea, so I felt she was under a lot of stress from that.)
That same period was when I went to a school with my first male teacher. He would call me "picky" about my eating (I still am), ridicule me in front of the class and segregated me from the other kids because I'd fallen on the playground once. (It was 20 years later when I discovered why he did this to me. His first wife had Bulbar Polio and was in a iron lung at that time. She later died.)
As I got older my weight was a source of painful words. I was plain, fat, homely and shy. No wonder I didn't do well in the dating game. LOL. Oh, well I did live through it all and I'm still here. I guess the old phrase "Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt me" didn't really do that much damage ---- or did it?
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People can be so cruel but I think it will come back to haunt them. I've never understood how people can think something bad can never happen to them. You seem like you are a strong person in spite of all you've been through and I wish you well. Some of the places you mention here are quite familiar to me having lived in San Antonio for many years. Take care, paula
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I'll never understand how a mother can use such harsh words towards their own flesh and blood. My mother used to say things like "I hate kids"..."Go play on the highway"...stuff like that. It really bothered me too. I know it doesn't compare but your entry made me think of that. Now my mother is trying soooo hard to love us. To make up for all the mean years. love ya Annie. Happy hump day!! Shelly
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I'm sure the words did their damage...
but you are still one of the strongest people I know... and I'm always glad we have been friends for so long!
3/25/08 8:56 AM