Mind of A Single Woman

Relationships aren't much different from the stock market.  You invest and invest some more while it's hot and sometimes, your stock crashes taking all you had with good faith that it would flourish.  Sometimes, it's major, like an EN RON situation where you're the last to know being left with pretty much -- nothing.  Your good faith and willingness to take a chance has been caught in the winds of sudden change.  Of course, in retrospect, it wasn't so much *sudden*... may I recommend an excellent book The Gift of Fear .  I digress as usual. 

But back to the subject at hand, you're so ever willing to just go with the flow and get comfortable with a relationship functioning and veering your attention from the infrastructure of how it works and that, friends, can behold a devastating blow at the end of the day.  When your stock, all you put in and get nothing back crashes, the burn comes from your subconscious -- within knowing deep down all the while there's nothing but a cork in the hole in your boat that kept it afloat for as long as it did.  Ohhhh does that burn when you replay in your mind all the little kinks that you assumed weren't a problem.  After a while many of us take for granted that it just works and never take into consideration the components that make it work.  Some of us never take into consideration the angles and ambitions one has from another and without distinguishing these, your stock can plum it in almost what you might think is instantaneous.

All you can do is cut your losses learn newer tricks to the trade and keep playing with your dollar and a dream because "hey, you never know!"  The motto not only for the lottery, but the dating scene as well.

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It’s extremely unhealthy to hold things in and harbor how you truly feel inside.  Studies show that people who do that live shorter lives than people who get things off their chest and address that infamous pink elephant people seem to go to great lengths to avoid.  Me for instance, I try (for the most part), to let things roll off my back, but I’m more of a dormant volcano. Once I’ve come to the conclusion that the proverbial pink elephant frequents the room a little too much, and then I slice right through the crap and get at the problem at hand.  Focusing on issues can digress into other little sub confrontations, and before you know it, it’s runaway train never getting to it’s destination, RESOLVING THE PROBLEM, thus causing recurring instances and issues of all sorts - A vicious cycle, friends, a vicious cycle in deed –

I blew my top yesterday.  I wasn’t a raving lunatic-termagant flailing my arms around and shrieking, although the other party would probably have preferred me to be that way.  I’ve come a long hard road from explosive rage; rather, I process situation at hand and then verbalize the facts and how I feel.  Trying extremely hard not to attack or pass judgment, and avoid being goaded into a petty mudslinging match.  I come across as callous as I address the elephant, not because I’m cold and indifferent but because I’m concentrating on sticking to the facts of the matter at hand and expressing myself clearly so that there is no confusion about how I feel and where I stand. 

Anyway moving on, I reached the end of the line with someone and I laid out exactly how I felt and what caused me to feel that way.  The response I got was why are you doing this?  To which I replied sometimes you just have to be told about yourself and how your actions can make others feel.  Perhaps you’re not aware but if I really truly care about you, it’s the right thing to do is to make you aware.  No one likes to be told about themselves when it puts them in a negative light.  Some more so that they take it as a personal attack if you bring up how they’ve wronged you.  It’s not a spiteful attack.  It’s for closure, if you will, so you can get past it.  I believe in resolution and it gives me agita to have a big fat effin pink elephant in the room.   There is no need for it.  It’s unhealthy and can and will kill you if you don’t every now again lay your cards out, play 52 pick up and call a spade a spade.  That’s the key to breaking old habits and vicious cycles in relationships.  Otherwise, that pink elephant has a tendency to gain mass and weight fueling negative feelings that grow like mold on bread festering in the dark corner of your mind.  Every now and again you’ll flair up and your actions, however low down and dirty, can be justified by your pink elephant.  Like scorpions stinging each other. 

Resentment begins with that elephant people ignore.  If you have a situation, however painful or overwhelming it is, you have to acknowledge it and put it to rest.

Digressing again, my apologies, I let it all out.  It hurt to even have to bring it up, but I did it and I just felt within myself the festering mold of bad feeling just melting away.  The elephant was no longer present.  Although, the other party cannot handle anything unpleasant let along the conversation, I knew that laying it out there would at least open the doors to self-reflection.  Everyone has their moment of truth.  I just think it smarts for the other party because no one ever actually brought it to the table the way I did.   That’s all I have to say about that.

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I always wondered about the makeup of the type of woman who seeks or is not fazed by a man being unavailable. Is it the thrill of being able to lead him astray?  Is it the deep seated self-hatred and lack of self worth, that subconsciously they feel they are not worthy of having a relationship with a man that isn’t already involved?  Is it some kind of gene not yet discovered by DNA specialists where they feel like roosters…. because you can’t have two roosters in one hen house.  I just don’t get it!  Is it a variation of schadenfreude?  Could it be self-sabotage/ self-defeat?  Next to never does the other woman end up snatching the man from the hands of the main squeeze.  That tactic is as lame, trite, and unrealistic as trapping the XY species by cloning yourselves (getting pregnant).  It baffles me how these tactics no matter how many times tried and failed, people will attempt them over an over like their special or something, like they’ll be the exception to the rule.  HA!

I’m cracking myself up as I write this.  The fine print with the other woman, too, is if you’re so down to sneak around who’s to say that’s not your nature and you won’t do it again -- A vicious cycle already, ladies and gentleman.  Sharing men is like sharing worn/ unwashed underwear, or a toothbrush.  Eeeewwww… !!!!

I don’t care whoyou are you can’t possibly be happy being a side dish for someone.  You’re not going to gain any territorial ground, no matter what you’re being told.  You’re not any better than the main squeeze no matter what you’re told.  It’s all a set up.  As time goes on, you need to fuel to keep up your dead wrong behavior, after a while it’s plain as day you’re being taken for a ride <<pun intended>>.

I guess some women like the drama because it makes them feel alive – it’s a miserable life, I assume, I can’t believe anyone could truly be happy being “that girl” unless, of course you’re sociopath.

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The dating circuit has always been tricky since arranged marriages and virginity have gone out of style.  Like shopping, you have got to know what you’re looking for, check out the quality and then decide whether or not you’re going to go to the register and make that final sale.  Single’s availability is much like items you see on a sale rack, you don’t necessarily want to buy something for the sake of it being on sale.  There are a lot of things to consider.  A good shopper inspects their item to find out why it’s on sale.  Use extreme caution on the clearance rack because those items may only give you one wear and then tear.  Consider has the item been worn before?  Returned?  What’s with the value of the item?  Is it available because it’s potential is just over looked by prospects or is the material cheap or of poor quality?

 Circumstance doesn’t necessarily constitute a good a buy.  If you need a new pair of shoes and see some on sale, decide not to try them on and just buy them because you’re a size 8 and that’s what they are… they are just the price you’re figuring they are reasonably priced – never mind the quality etc.    You’re psyched about the bargain, and come to find out, you can’t walk more than four paces in those death contraptions and the back of your Achilles tendon is all skinned and you’re at risk for corns.

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I thought I had the hang of this life thing, and love and relationships, it hits me... I don't know much of anything...  except how wonderful it is to talk about the good stuff and the beauty of your other half when, it actuality the beauty of relationships and love is being able to keep trucking through the rough patches and still feeling the same as you did in the beginning.  I guess that's a miracle within itself, because after you're done being polite, and your representatives are safely tucked away and the uncomfortable silences transition to cherished moments where you can think for yourself for a quick second,... and 'ooohhhs' and 'ahhhs' turn into 'ughs' and 'ewwws' and passing gas and burping become a form of entertainment as opposed to a reason to die of mortification... And you're still hanging in there, that's what it's about.... perhaps this is why there are so many serial daters in the world... in search of the perpetual honeymoon phase.  The right person, however, will not necessarily provide an incessant honeymoon phase.  As a matter of fact, that's pretty damn impossible.  <~~~ I could be wrong, but if I am, please share your testimony)))  You're going to teeter-totter, a little in the course of a relationship.  Don’t’ care who ya are!  Maybe if more people went into relationships knowing such, then, there would be more of them nowadays...  Just a thought,... only a thought.

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Relational aggression is psychological (social/emotional) aggression between people in relationships. Relational aggression is a form of aggression where the group is used as a weapon to assault others and others' relationships. It uses lies, secrets, betrayals and other dishonest tactics to destroy or damage the relationships and social standing of others in the group. Also known as covert bullying[1], social aggression [2], "female bullying"[3], family bullying or serial bullying[4], it is a covert form of aggression, used by both men and women in relationships. It is less well-known than physical forms of aggression and therefore much more difficult to detect. Often, the victim may not know the abuser is lying or gossiping about the victim, and the abuser may even pretend to befriend the victim.

Although modern understanding of relational aggression arose from the study of cliques of girls in school, and despite the fact that the term "female bullying" is often used synonymously with "relational aggression", relational aggression is seen at times in women and men of all ages in spousal, familial, sexual, social, community, political, and religious settings. [5] 

A little snippet from wikipedia so that we're on the same page....

This is the stuff that Mean Girls are made of.  Unlike the movie, those who engage in such never hash things out and grow out of it.  I've seen my share of this and have experienced it myself this past year.  Women throwing parties on the same day as their so-called friend or even their weddings, for that matter.  Harnessing minuscule petty grudges, exaggerating the truth, manipulating it, or down right lying to recruit allies in what all remains underhanded.  People dismiss Relational Aggression like it's a 'girls will be girls' thing... but it's not.  Men do it to each other as well... not like they really care when it's all out the open, but this Passive/Relational... (two faced/yellow belled) Aggression behavior is often dismissed by the victims, they know what is going on and simply shrug it off by saying "well, that's just how so and so is."  NO!  How about it's unacceptable!  Seems like there's an enormous gap between black and white these days... we live in a whole realm of gray.  It's atrocious.  A vicious cycle of pain being inflicted upon one another... and ahem, excuse me... no one ever wants to admit there's a gargantuan pink elephant in the room!  For crying out loud, say how you feel to one another.  Hypocracy is such a plague.... it needs to be stopped.

Off my soap box for now!

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Actions that may seem to be prejuedged as cowardice may actually be acts of strength.  Fighting for this, and standing up for that, and blah blah blah....  if an issue or an act is infact in stalemate, giving it a rest isn't the same thing as giving up.  Funny how you don't seem to find that out until you're a bit older... that's a good bit of truth that could be applied to many a situation in adolescence but I suppose being young and restless, you feel compelled to chase your own tail in certain circumstances, if not all...  Hah, youth is wasted on the young... if I knew then... what I know now... LOL... and soon I'll be talking about the price of gas in my day when I was a teenager... ( $0.99 cents at Exxon and on Tiger Tuesdays you got $0.05 cents off, of course you'd have to mention it or they wouldn't give you the discount.. LOL...)

I find too, the higher road, being the bigger person, and selflessness... has a bit a sting at first, and then later... it bares its fruit... as opposed to giving into strife and using your *strength to get your point across.  You feel right in the midst of it all, but later when the smoke and mirrors clear, the sting sets in and like a wine stain on a white carpet, you never seem to be able to get out completely....

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I came across this article called 'Is It Cheating?'  I often wonder as I have heard it at one point or another... someone saying that emotional cheating is worse than some one night sexual fling.  "I'd rather he had just had sex with her and was done with it."  I suppose this scenario could validate the old cliche "she means nothing to me!"  ::: Bitter Chuckles:::

Although sex maybe a big part of a relationship the emotional bond is also just as, if not, more important.  That certain je ne sais quoi that makes one willing to put up with another's hot heap of crap until death do you part.  That's all outside of pleasure of the carnal sort.  There will come a time when the flames of passion become smoldering coles and conversation will be the filler... ::::pun intent optional, wink!:::  However, that filler maybe threatened when one has such a situation occur like so:

'The woman began revealing her feelings of distress about her marriage. The man listened, empathized and offered up the pain-filled details of his divorce. Each time they saw each other, entre-nous intimations were exchanged, deepening an emotional connection that fairly sizzled with an underlying sexual tension.

There is heavy petting, and there is heavy emoting. Both constitute infidelity to a marriage or primary relationship. Psychologists call an affair without any physical touching extramarital emotional involvement, emotional infidelity or an emotional affair. In emotional affairs, deep, personal intimacies are traded, instead of fantasies of the flesh.' -- Kathleen Kelleher

Nowadays, these types of situations can be fueled and facilitated by the internet.  We know just which sites put all relationships at risk.  How does one compete with such a situation?  Those who can't, sue!  You can scream Alienation of Affection, depending on which state you're in, of course.  Can you imagine that still being in play in the good old Empire State?  The courts would be backed up for decades!  LOL! 

Communication is a major component in all relationships of all kinds.  Once you don't even talk anymore there's a serious issue.  It's cruel to share your intimate thoughts and relationship problems with an outside party simply because if there is an underlying sexual tension, who's to say that you won't fall subject to using your relationship downfalls as a means of justification to continue this morally questionable relations; moreover, who's to say you won't fall subject to to using your relationship downfalls as a means to forge a tryst?  This whole concept, emo-cheating just stinks up to high heaven... motive for a law suit in some states... and just pure motive in all other states that don't allow the option!  Sheesh!!!  Will we ever as a species learn to be comfortable enough and decent enough to be honest with ourselves, and our relationship partners?  Then, I suppose we'd also have to learn how to be unselfish... Picture that! ::rolling eyes:::

Whatever the case, when it's over sever ties, and move on... easier said than done, I'm sure but I suppose this >>click here<< may happen to just about anyone who's had it!  Realize, I do not condone, but one thing you do have control over is who you share your space with...  Thanks!  ::blink, blink::

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