A day in the life of Alcohol and drug Recovery

It's day 186...I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left comments in my last entry...sometimes I forget that while Im babbling and baring my soul that people are reading, I guess thats good in a way though as I get to get it all out and whoever is reading gets the truth, nothing hidden..... me.

Ok the tears came back. It was comforting and disheartening at the same time...Comforting becasue I now know that the other day, I wasnt stuffing my feeling, I evidently had used up my supply of tears for the day, and disheartening because I am sad.

Ive noticed as well as have others that over the past two days, thoughI try to portray the smiling me, that I just cant get there right now, I had to walk out of a meeting yesterday as I had a meltdown due to something someone was saying and Im still not comfortable getting to tears in public...I guess thats self centeredness, but it is what it is.

I have this huge cage around me right now, even with people I dont want to have it with. My friends, and thats fear....fear of getting attached, fear of feeling and then the thought that things may not work out my way and I just dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

Im doing very well though as I dont have any urges and for tht I am truly grateful, becasue I dont know if I could fight the urge to not pick up right now if I had to and maybe thats part of the lesson to, that God is with me...

It's just sorting all this out in my head, and not letting my heart take over and yet at the same time trying to stay out of my head becasue I know thats a dangerous place for me to be, especially right now....

I started spending time with my friend Tim from my Sunday night meeting, we've spent hours and hours over the last week just talking about life and everything that has happened. I dont think I have ever had such honest conversations with a guy in my life and that is good, because I can share how I am feeling and also listen to what he has going on in his life (which is a lot) it helps take my mind off of what I am going thri right now, at least for a little while...and I am grateful for his friendship as well. He always calls or shows up at just the right time. Hes also one of the people who saw my bubble of protection hard at work on Wednesday night and was surprised to see me that way because he saysthatit was so evident that I didnt want anyone near me, to look at me, talk to me or anything...

I dont know, Im a mess and Im so afraid to let the world see it. This is my safety net, writing here everyday, because even though I know people read it, I know that you are peole going through a lot of the same things, and that you dont judge me....and even if you did, I would never know...so I guess thats safety as well.

Im just so sad, so sad. I hear the promises and the tears fall almost instantly, I hear people speak and tears come to my eyes, and I just cant find the switch anymore....The serenity prayer has become my best friend lately ....10 million times a day those words fall from my lips, hoping that if I just keep saying them that this pain will some how disipate at least a little bit.

My next dr appt is tuesday and I know I wont have all the answers that day, but Im at least hoping for some. You guys, I cant even tell you how much it meant to come here and know that I was heard, and that my frineds from afar were praying and understanding. JJ- I wasnt going to write today, but I wanted you to know I was ok....I guess if nothing else, thats what you and I do for each other....and that we all give each other support when needed....Im truly grateful.

6 months sober and I get handed the greatest challenge of my life thus far....at least in sobriety, but I am hanging on, Ive earned my seat in sobreity and I know that for me to leave would me to never return as cleaning up the wreckage and feelings are the hardest things this alcoholic has ever had to do prior to now....I know that no matter what as long as I dont pick up, I have a chance at life...but if I did pick up that chance is out the door forever as I will be off and running, hiding from pain and shame...I deserve more than that and so do my children.

Thank you GOD for another day of sobriety....

 

doughgirl03833 at 2:25:28 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 15 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 184

Well my friends the time has come, the truest test of letting go and letting God is happening in my life right now. I am so sad and I have regressed into my bubble today and I know Im not in good space right now. Yes before anyone asks, I did call my sponsor and now Im am writing to throw up a little bit of my feelings.

I think it will be good to write them down so that if I make it through this, I will be able to look back upon and say eh...that wasnt so bad, or even if it was be proud I made it through this as well.

So about 1 1/2 months ago, I got the flu and I started having problems swallowing. I figured that  it was all simply becasue I had swollen glads and blah blah blah, so I put it off figuring it would go away and it hadnt so I decided I would take care of myself for once and go to the dr.

Well as it turns out, Ive got some pretty large polyps in my throat and on my vocal cords as well as possibly in my digestive tract and theyre pretty sure that the ones in my espohagus are cancer...yep cancer.

You know, I never thought for a million years that I would be facing the big C word again, but here I am sitting with it. So Im having a few more tests and if all goes well off to surgery and then whatever happens happens.

What I do know is that right now, Im pretty accepting of it as I know I cant change it and Im praying for the best outcome. What I also know is that I just found out at 3 pm and Ive stopped crying....What I dont know is if I managed to find the shut off switch to my emotions again or Im really just accepting it and that is scaring me big time. I know from the past that whenever I was near tears, I could manage to shut down and not feel whatever it was I was going through and Im worried that thats where I am right now.

So I pray, I am begging you God to please help me and please help keep me away from a drink or a drug just for today. Help keep me in good space. Help me to ask for help and to allow others to help me and love me becasue God you know Im just really not that good at allowing myself to be loved and helped.

Maybe thats my lesson here I dont know. I know that God doesnt give us more than he can handle and I trust that. But I know I need to ask for help to....So god please help me because I have 4 children who need me and love me, 4 children who need to be loved back, who have gone to the ends of the earth and back with me and I want to be able to do it for them. Please god, please dont let anything go wrong because I dont want them to grow up hurting, needing and wanting. I dont want them to go thru anymore pain....just let me love them god and let me love them like only I can....dont take me away from them God, not yet. I have so much work to do in my life, so much to do and give to my children that Ive not yet been able to do or give. And my father god....this will kill him for sure so please god take that into condsideration for me please...

Good night

 

doughgirl03833 at 2:37:29 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 180

While this program is starting to make sense to me, it's still hard in early sobriety to get a grip and do things the right way. Ok now dont panic I didnt do anything wrong, it's just so hard to not get angry sometimes and accept things the way they are.

I know Im being confusing so heres the deal. Last night father number 2 (of the triplets) decided that he didnt have enough money this week to pay support and so hell catch up with me at some point. Then father number 1 (Shy's dad) finally called after 3 weeks of not calling or seeing her and said he wanted to come pick her up (mind you this is only after I secretly left him a message on how hurt she was that he comes and goes in her life) and that he doesnt have support either...Surprise surprise as the only times in 10 yrs he has paid is the years he decides to file taxes or when they pick him up on contempt for non-payment. Anyway, I tell him shes ready and he can come get her.

Now for some reason with dad #2 I dont even get mad for the most part at him for not paying as he never has consistently paid...ahhhh therefore I dont expect it duh.

With father #1 he has always paid for the most part and I worry more with him as his kids are my triplets and I dont think that 200 per week is a lot of money for three 5 yr olds considering the amount of money he makes, but I have never asked for more as he pays and Id much rather him pay than not.

Ok so what this all comes down to is this...FEAR! Yep FEAR.....I am a single mother of 4 living on disability and father #2's support. Without both of those things coming in, I cannot pay rent becasue neither one covers the whole thing itself, my truck payment which is pretty cheap, my bills or provide for my children. I live off of that $200 per week most weeks, and by the time Im done paying what needs to be paid for that particualr week theres no maney left and I simply wait til next week. ok Im not complainning as most weeks it works out ok, but when father 2 says I cant pay you this week you can certainly see where panic sets in.

So after that my head is whirling, Im crying, trying to figure out what the heck I am going to do. I cant get a job as I havent been released yet and am due for surgery again in a couple weeks and will be on crutches for 10 weeks, I cant get housing....well I can but Im on the list for 4 yrs, I dont qualify for help from the state as I make to much money wqith disability that doesnt even pay my rent and basically what I am saying is that for me, TRYING TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THINIG is bascially dependant on people in my life doing the next right thing.

Now dont get yourself worked into a tizzy Im gonna explain. I cannot pay  my rent, my bills, take care of my kids, pay for my truck etc (which is taking care of my responsibilities, ex: the next right thing) unless father #1 and father #2 start paying and continue to pay child support...and that leaves me with EXPECTATIONS!!!!!!

See what I mean...ugh. Ok so Im not mad this morning, Im just sharing what I was going through last night. I want to go back to school, but I cant do that either, so alas Gods got me what where he wants me....humbled, left askin for help and depnding on him to pull me through...He says...Ill get you to understand if its the last thing I do.. HA HA!!! He say, "now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it your way". Which will it be....and I get on my knees as say ok God your way always works so lets do it your way...I SURRENDER! AGAIN!

doughgirl03833 at 10:08:20 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 4 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 179

 

 

Ahhh the joys of parenting..The kids are up, Shy-anne had a 2 hour delay becasue of the snow so instead of having 3 kids home, I had 4 kids. She finally got on the bus and now its just the other 3 fighting and screaming, whinning and yelling...grrrr...Ok God take over.

I read something last night in my little red book which you may or may not have read. It's put out by Hazelden and is often used in A.W.O.L's. It really breaks down the big Book in detail and if you use it with the big book and the 12 step book, you can get a pretty good idea of how it all makes sense. So anyway I had started over at the beginning and I came across this...

In regards to step 1....admit you can't take it (alcohol). Consider your inability to take it or leave it alone, remember your inability to leave alcohol alone in the face of impending disaster. If you drink, it defiantely marks you an alcoholic....Hmmm

Step one is one that I do not question anymore, havent for a the past 5 months. I know that I am powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. hence my journey back to recovery. but boy oh boy had I read that page oh say 1 yr ago, I would have 1 yr on Monday....well maybe. lol

I like that page a lot, because its so true. When my life was unmanagable I drank...but i drank to escape it and in turn only made it more unmanagable by the things I did...Insanity

So Im looking forward to this afternoons meeting...a round robin on whats good about today...and what is good about today? Well for me its that I am in recovery and this program is all starting to make perfect sense to me. I know that no matter what if I just keep pluggin along and trying to do the next right thing, it will only get better, cus it certainly cant get worse when your trying to do the right thing...well unless you take your will back. RIght? Im happy, healthy and free..I have 4 kids who have the ability to fight (their healthy) and drive me nuts, but Im grateful as Im learning patience.

Have a great day everyone :)

 

doughgirl03833 at 11:14:29 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 178

Today started off well enoguh and then panic set in as I realized I didnt have any gas which meant that I wasnt going to make it to my noontime meeting...Well i would make it there but not back...Panic turned into anger, then dispair...lolwhoda thunk I would get so upset. Then it hit me....duh ask for help. So I picked up the Nextel and called my father at work, which is halfway to my meeting and borrowed a couple bucks for gas....ahhhhh relief...Instantly I was happy again..what is up with that.

So my sponsor got home from Vegas a week and a half ago, well maybe 2 weeks, and I said, Im ready to do my 5th step when you are....She replied with, I think you should take some more time on the 4th....so I agreed and along I went...well wouldnt ya know tonight she calls and says hey, is that 4th step done yet...UGH! I was like ok, I guess it's time after all. First she lets me off the hook and then when Im not looking she hooks me...lol Soooo Sunday morning before the kids get home I am going to do my 5th step, like it or not.

Ok so I was thinking today about life and how we are powerless over everything right, and per usual the meeting had to do with being humble and so on. And as I sat there thinking, it was quite amazing, because really it all comes back to ACCEPTANCE. Yup Yup. When my life is whirling about and feeling uneasy, agitated etc, its all because I dont like something and when I dont like something, I want to control it and the more I try to control it, the more wrong it gets until I finally surrender and accept it...Im learning this, like it is just that simple....Accept it, life on lifes terms...dont fight it, becasue thats my will, not Gods will and who the heck am I to think that I am more powerful than he is....when I just surrender, somehow, someway I am at peace with myself and the things around me, no matter how big they are...like duh....why cant I always remember that. WHY? Because its progress not perfection and the steps say that I only must try....try to practice these things everyday...it doesnt say that by some miracle I will do them everyday, but just to try.

Light dawns on marble head...KEEP IT SIMPLE!!!! Acceptance, Tme, but for the grace of god.....Good god, listen girl listen....lol

 

 

4th Step Prayer

Dear God,

It is I who has made my life a mess.

I have doneit, but I cannot undo it.

My mistakes are mine & I will begin a searching and fearless moral inventory.

I will write down my wrongs, But I will also incluse that which is good.

I pray for the strength to complete the task.

 

doughgirl03833 at 7:42:35 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

HA HA Im back

The funniest thing just happened to me....I was reading todays Daily reflections and the topic was convincing Mr. Hyde. The link is on the left if youre interested... Also while I was at my meeting to day the topic....FEELINGS...

Seems us AA's are going through a rough time mentally...Our feelings are geting to us and we dont like it one bit...TOUGH....lol and thats that.

Today my friend james spoke up and said he has good days and bad days, ups and downs and he's feeling things that he just doesnt get....do we feel that way too...YES JAMES..I DO I DO...and when he was done the hands went up...and kept going up and our meeting turned into one big ball of emotions tha tI think we all needed to get off our chests and I dont know about the rest of them but I sure did feel better.

The hardest thing we alcoholics do is deal with feelings...WHY? Because we never had to feel them or we were told we shouldnt feel this way or that way, or why do we feel that way so what did we do...STUFF them, grab a drink and we were happy again or so we thought....for me that brings me 20 years later at the age of 33 trying to figure out what the heck I am feeling at any given moment and why. I am getting much better with accepting how I feel and knowing that Im feeling that way for a reason, its just finding out what is connecting me to that feeling and what I can do about it.

I think it's easier for me to accept feelings today because I understand that life is connected to feelings and that you cannot possibly not feel for 20 yrs and then all of a sudden wake up one day and life will be merry. Somewhere along the line you have to learn what feelings are...RIGHT! ahhhhh it all makes sense...

So yep we are all a big ball of feelings and we must learn that theyre ok and that theyre essential to our daily living....the sooner we accept that, the better off we will be :)

Thank you to my newest reader for your comments...you made me think and you unknowingly kept me on the subject of the day...Congrats on your 4 months and keep going girl :)

 

doughgirl03833 at 5:26:51 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 176

From SAD to MAD

Ok Ok Im brewing up a resentment today and Im trying to catch hold of it. I can see my part in it as well....Heres the thing.

Today its other peoples expectations of me...what they want me to do feel and say and Im not having any part of it. I can only feel what I feel, do what I do and deal with it the only way I know how to deal with it and not pick up at the same time.

So why do I feel like I have to do something different? Because I am co-dependent and feel like I need to plese hte world and defend myself....I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE as I HAVE DONE IT ALL MY LIFE DAMN IT!

I am not going to let other people control my emotions, feelings etc. I am going to stand firm in what I believe and thats that. Like it or leave it I am the one who has to live with myself everyday. I am the one who has to deal with my feelings and TRY to sleep with them at night, so why the hell do I feel like I need to make everyone else in the world happy for christ sake give me a friggin break.

I have a hard enough time dealing with my own expectations of people places and things, I dont need to deal with everyone elses and so I WONT.

This must be kick em when theyre down day cus you know I just started to feel better and now Im friggin pissed beyond belief...back in my bubble where no one exists but me.

Going to call my sponsor and get the kids on the bus and go to a meeting....more later

doughgirl03833 at 10:55:57 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Day 175

Someone who reads my journal asked me the other day if I was still counting..lol. Yep I am, it keeps me in the day somehow.

Anyway, I managed to survive the weekend without cracking or having a meltdown of somesorts. I think Im coming out of the sadness, though I can still feel it lingering a bit. Today helped as it was sunny and I got out of the house for awhile, and I felt better. Thank God.

I went to the noontime meeting today and Lenny spoke. I hadn't heard hm before or seen him before, but he had a good honest message and for that I was grateful as well. You see Lenny lives in a sober house. He's been sober for 8 yrs and he said today that he's afraid to move because he doesnt know that he could stay sober. I always wondered f people who lived in sober houses had a hard time when they left there. As you are surrounded by sober people who for the most part are trying to do the right thing, so what happens when you are totally out on your own and dont have that great support system around you.

Somedays I wish I lived in a sober house, it almost reminds me of Hampstead hospital...SAFE.. Those are the only words I have to describe how I felt there. I say so often that my fondest memories come from that hospital and the funny part is I wasnt there for alcoholism. I was there for depression and suicide. and treated for such as well. I still go to the meetings there sometimes, as its a great reminder of how my life used to be. I am still connected to those people in some way and I always feel better when I leave. I think I will go this weekend.

So today was pretty good. I was tired from stressing myself out all weekend. I went to the meeting, came home, cleaned and took a 1/2 hour nap. The kids came home, fought, ate, played and went to bed. A small misunderstanding with my neighbor which I confronted and all is well now.

I still have a lot on my mind, but somehow it all seems so small in comparison to where Ive been and come from. Im grateful again.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference...thy will not mine be done :)

doughgirl03833 at 10:14:20 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Paulie sent me this link the other day....Great song

 

"Holy Water"

Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I use to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine wherever she would go
But looking at her now you'd never tell

Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
I can only imagine what she's feeling
When she's praying
Kneeling at the edge of her bed

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healing hands
Of someone who understands

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

 

doughgirl03833 at 10:04:13 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Well it's day 174

Somehow I am surviving the weekend. Im still pretty down today and Im not sure why...Could it be the insanity of everything around me? I just don't know right now.

I was so excited forthis weekend to come so I could sit and watch the Superbowl but I dunno right now im really not interested but Im hoping that changes come game time!

Ok here's the craziness....2 weeks til court ugh, My sponsors daughter has run away for the second time in 2 weeks and shes active as hell :(  My AA brother Brian went back out last week and Im so sad for him, my mother...well we wont go there, my kids are out of control the past couple days and Im feeling it deep in my soul, losing my patience, my self esteem, etc etc etc.

OK now I know with the bad I must present the good and I do have some of that as well.

My step brother chad came over Friday and he was still sober..thank you God. So here's the funny little story that goes alonog with it. Thursday night after we talked I had told him that when he got up friday morning (the morning he was supposed to get high) to get on his knees and ask God for help to keep him sober another day. I had planned to talk to my step mother aobut it Thurs night after he left but I decided to let go and let God. I had done my part. So Fri morning my step mother comes to pick me up and I say to her how was things at the house this morning. Guess what she said....She said Chad was running late for the bus and she decided to drive him to the stop and wait for the bus with him....LOL THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

So later that afternoon I say to Chad when he gets home, did you ask God for help this morning? And he said yeah but I asked him in the shower...lol and I laughed and he said what are you laughing at, and I said I heard you got a ride to school today...and he laughed...somehow I think he got it...He asked God for help and it worked.

These are the miracles I need to hang on to when Im having days like I have been. These are the things I need to remain grateful for that happen in my life daily.

The truth is, so many people I know have walked out the door lately and all I know is that by the grace of God I have not, and for that I know that whatever it is today that I am going through it will all be ok as long as I dont pick up.

On that note...GOOOOOOOOO PHILLY!!!! :)

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