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Day 184
Day 184
Well my friends the time has come, the truest test of letting go and letting God is happening in my life right now. I am so sad and I have regressed into my bubble today and I know Im not in good space right now. Yes before anyone asks, I did call my sponsor and now Im am writing to throw up a little bit of my feelings.
I think it will be good to write them down so that if I make it through this, I will be able to look back upon and say eh...that wasnt so bad, or even if it was be proud I made it through this as well.
So about 1 1/2 months ago, I got the flu and I started having problems swallowing. I figured that it was all simply becasue I had swollen glads and blah blah blah, so I put it off figuring it would go away and it hadnt so I decided I would take care of myself for once and go to the dr.
Well as it turns out, Ive got some pretty large polyps in my throat and on my vocal cords as well as possibly in my digestive tract and theyre pretty sure that the ones in my espohagus are cancer...yep cancer.
You know, I never thought for a million years that I would be facing the big C word again, but here I am sitting with it. So Im having a few more tests and if all goes well off to surgery and then whatever happens happens.
What I do know is that right now, Im pretty accepting of it as I know I cant change it and Im praying for the best outcome. What I also know is that I just found out at 3 pm and Ive stopped crying....What I dont know is if I managed to find the shut off switch to my emotions again or Im really just accepting it and that is scaring me big time. I know from the past that whenever I was near tears, I could manage to shut down and not feel whatever it was I was going through and Im worried that thats where I am right now.
So I pray, I am begging you God to please help me and please help keep me away from a drink or a drug just for today. Help keep me in good space. Help me to ask for help and to allow others to help me and love me becasue God you know Im just really not that good at allowing myself to be loved and helped.
Maybe thats my lesson here I dont know. I know that God doesnt give us more than he can handle and I trust that. But I know I need to ask for help to....So god please help me because I have 4 children who need me and love me, 4 children who need to be loved back, who have gone to the ends of the earth and back with me and I want to be able to do it for them. Please god, please dont let anything go wrong because I dont want them to grow up hurting, needing and wanting. I dont want them to go thru anymore pain....just let me love them god and let me love them like only I can....dont take me away from them God, not yet. I have so much work to do in my life, so much to do and give to my children that Ive not yet been able to do or give. And my father god....this will kill him for sure so please god take that into condsideration for me please...
Good night
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April I'm worried. Where are you? Peace - JJ
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I have just caught up on your story and am shocked at the blow you've been dealt. I dont think I can say anything that would help but I will be thinking and praying for you and I dont normally do prayers.
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Doughgirl, I've been following your blog, but hadn't commented before because of having to register with AOL. This post moved me to register.
I want to reach out and let you know that I will keep you in my prayers and ask for strength and healing for you.
Be strong. Be well. -
Oh, April. I'm praying for you too. Be strong, try to trust...I can't imagine how difficult it must be. Take care!
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